Tulips, Snowdrops and Brownies! Thread 4 for those wanting a coffee not a cocktail🌷🧁☕️

[AFmammaG]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5147598-day-1-or-100-tulips-and-snowdrops-say-browniesnotbeer

Boldly starting Thread 4, link above to Thread 3. Hoping some of the oldies will join and always open to newbies. This thread is for anyone looking to chat and support those trying to lead an alcohol free life ❤️

I’m joining you folks.

I come from a long line of alcohol-dependent people and I absolutely don’t want this to be my kids’ inheritance.

@AFmammaG life is much more challenging when you have kids who are a bit different …

Parenting kids with SEN can be relentless and all consuming.

The SEN board here is really good, I can recommend it.

How old is your little boy?

Oh and welcome 😆 I didn’t see your first post! I just read the second one and responded. I’m really glad a few new people are joining. I wasn’t sure about starting a 4th thread because it does get a bit quiet. Will be nice to have some more people to chat to.

That sounds really tough @AFmammaG
I hope he is ok after the dog bite - you’ll both have got a fright. I don’t have any experience of SEN so I have absolutely no advice - just know that you’re doing the absolute best you can for your boy. Tomorrow is a new day 💙

I’ve spent the evening doing laundry and then I pumiced the hell out of my feet - they’re feeling a bit raw right now 😂
Tomorrow I am doing workout with DD at 8am then I’m taking my DS to football, I never normally watch his games. I’m ashamed to say I was usually hungover on Sundays and I always accepted offers of lifts (latterly I was studying so did have a legitimate excuse). But tomorrow I will go and cheer him on hangover free.

DP has just tried to start an argument, he’s 1.5 bottles of wine down, I’ve come to bed to escape.

I can completely see how 2 weeks of holidays is not a fun prospect.

It’s very hard when they don’t do what is expected of them for their age.

There is a whole lot of judgement.

The dog incident sounds trying and it’s hard to be vigilant all the time. As long as he is generally safe I think that’s enough.

im sorry your school isn’t supportive; it shouldn’t take any kind of diagnosis for them to adapt what they do….

I’m sorry, that sounds so tough. I agree this is the only way for him to learn, and sometimes it will work and sometimes it might not. It’s alright for someone sitting there on the couch a bottle down to be judgmental…

I am definitely tracking. It was the little blips of grey in the generally more pristine sea of teacups on the try dry app that refocused me a bit! I know how easy it is to delude myself so I am being strictly honest with it and therefore myself.

Weekends do massively stretch out don’t they! I am off for a long walk tomorrow and I can’t wait. This long dry period has made spring hiking so much more enjoyable but I have never seen it this dry this early. Hopefully it isn’t indicative of a drought incoming.

Thank you both, I feel a bit more balanced this morning. Last night I was having one of those moments where everything just feels so bleak. It would have been easy to join DH in the wine but obviously this morning I am very glad I didn’t. It helped to let it out here instead.

I know I need to do some more research on his condition. I didn’t realise adhd had so many different types. From what I have read I think he has combined as he is both impulsive and inattentive. He is also being assessed for ASD and whilst he does fit a lot of the typical characteristics, there is definitely some overlap, so maybe he will come out with an AuDHD diagnosis. I’m not sure. All I know is every day is hard and I want to try and make sure he is ok longer term.

@TimesaChangeling enjoy the walk! I’m quite jealous! We have the in laws coming over, which I could do without all things considered.

My focus for the next couple of weeks has got to be my diet! I’ve fallen back into bad habits and need to stop before those 4lbs are back. I daren’t weigh myself this weekend, need to have a good week and then see what the damage is next weekend!

@Cantdoitalll you will be hitting 50 days today! Congratulations 🌷it must feel wonderful. A long stretch really does bring so many benefits to both physical and mental health. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Welcome @Gattopardo!!

@AFmammaG that sounds so tough. And I understand your worry, well done for staying strong off the booze in a tough time

I have successfully navigated through my danger zone. Looking forward to a week ahead unencumbered by alcohol!

@TimesaChangeling ive used the try dry app too, I’ve journaled in it particularly in the early days when I would excuse myself and go to my bedroom when the urge to drink was strong. I’ve not had to journal too much recently but there is something immensely motivating and satisfying about ticking off each day.

Today is day 50 🌷thank you for the support everyone and the well wishes.
If I can do this anyone can. I had no motivation and was feeling very down. I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine at the weekend (per night) with around a bottle on week days. Still getting up and going through the motions, never off sick, but often stopping the car to have a cry, or going to the toilet in work thinking I was having a panic attack. Being short tempered with the kids, reacting to noise and chaos. Constantly watching the clock till I was able to drink. What a mess. I really don’t want to go back to that, I know it’s still early days.
Welcome to the thread to the new people!
my advice is to really try and understand why you want to drink in the moment - ask yourself what would it achieve? How will having a drink make make you feel in 5 minute, in 2 hours and in 12 hours? It’s a short term high with a big crash the next day.

So it’s Monday and a lovely sunny day.
Unfortunately I had a nasty argument with DP late into the night and he is in a very bad mood, off to work till around 2pm so my plan is to escape into our nearest city with the kids to explore - and avoid him.
He thinks that I am neglecting him and our sex life.

I admit that I have been distancing myself from him, doing other things when he’s drinking. He plays an online game a lot, for hours at a time in the evenings and weekends. That left me feeling lonely which is why I drank (or part of the reason).
He thinks because he’s still in the family home he’s “present” but the reality is he’s completely detached from everything that goes on. He will think nothing of lying in bed until 11.30am at the weekends then loafing around for the day, sometimes not leaving the house from a Friday to a Monday am.
He has a stressful job and earns well so I think he feels this gives him a free pass to do whatever the hell he likes or wants.

Meanwhile life goes on with him stuck in the attic on a stupid game with headphones on, he’s oblivious to what his kids (my step kids) are up to.
The good points are he’s very invested in their education and he’s appreciative of the home life I create, but it’s hard work. I work FT and have a long commute, I am studying and I do 95% of household tasks, but he does help with the garden. I also do most of the dog walking which I love to do, so not a chore!
anyway things blew up last night. I told him that I’m taking time to rediscover myself and form more healthy ways of living. It’s not acceptable to wake me up and get annoyed that I’m sleeping at 12 when I’ve been up since 6am, that I’m tired and need to sleep. That I have needs too, sleep and some relaxation time!
It always revolves around how hard he works, how much he contributes financially, he deserves something too (he gets his own way 99% of the time!).
We are incredibly lucky with all our children, they are fun and bright and really polite, he’s missing out on so much because of his ways. Life is going on and he’s missing out on so much!
He will talk to me about all of the issues he’s having at work or with family, but when I ask for help or support with something he gets defensive and walks off.
For example I asked him to meal plan and make a list for the shop 3 weeks ago when I was doing exams - he’s STILL bringing it up, like it was so unreasonable to ask even when I’m juggling work/exams/unwell DM and everything else that I do.
Now I know why I drank, it took all these horrible emotions away, I suppressed all of them and now they’re coming tumbling out of me.
I will not drink though! I am going to get through this.
Sorry for the long rant.

My low point @AFmammaG was falling asleep on the sofa, I eventually woke up with a dead arm. Took me ages to get going, it was about 2am and I went upstairs to bed and heard my DD say “mummy” I went into her and she said that she’d had a bad dream. I said that she should have come and got me. She said that she had but I wouldn’t wake up. She thought I was dead but checked I was breathing. She was 8. I stopped after that for a while, but I started again.

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your DP @Cantdoitalll ☹️ it’s so hard isn’t it? I have to admit my ex DH used to game and I found it a huge turn off. Partly because he spent loads of money on it (“joint” money) and partly because I felt like second best to it. There’s certainly an element of escapism with gaming but it also seems to involve unsociable hours, which I never really understood either.

It sounds like you are doing the lion’s share with childcare too, which always feels a source of resentment in my household. I took the kids out this morning and I wish I hadn’t bothered 😭 they just argue over stupid shit and everything costs so much, it felt like a massive waste of money. I let my DS go to the toilet whilst I waited outside and I heard this loud bang and he had pulled a handle off the wall by swinging on it… honest to God. I managed to somehow screw it back in but I just wanted to cry. I even have to supervise this child in the toilet. And at times like this I think, maybe DH is right and I should just give up trying to do stuff with these kids.

Sigh. We are home now and I’m hiding in my bedroom for a few minutes before I plaster the smile back on and try again. I keep repeating in my head “this would be worse with a hangover” and I know it’s true but geez, I miss that off switch.

Hope everyone is doing ok.
Day 53 today. Yesterday I bought wine for DP at the supermarket around 5pm - my usual craving time. I felt nothing, not even a pang of wistfulness. treated myself to a fever tree ginger beer which was delicious.
I also managed to run 5km yesterday non stop! That made me feel really good - those endorphins after were just the pick me up that I needed!
In total I’ve lost almost a stone since becoming AF, I look better and younger (I think anyway😆).

@AFmammaG I hope that last couple of days have been a bit better. Kids are challenging at times, we do so much for them and it can seem like we get nothing back.

How old is your DS? My DD was a handful when she was younger, one of those kids who needed constant attention and stimulation, very wearing. She’s older now and as long as we have a plan for the day, she’s great but those earlier years were tough. Not the same as SEN I know which must be hard for you to constantly be on the look out - it’s helps to have some back up at home which it sounds like you perhaps don’t have. It’s a tricky balance between allowing a bit of independence with the risk that something happens that you have to sort out.

100 days today and I could just cry @Cantdoitalll. I was hoping I’d feel amazing by now. Ok, there have been more highs than lows but jeez, I still want to drink. Like all the time. DH is abroad with work and sitting on the sofa alone, it’s calling me. I wish I was indifferent. I wish I was sober smug. I am neither. I’m fire fighting pretty much every day.

My DS is in infant school so still little. I was invited out today somewhere I knew was not suitable for him. I went because I was desperate for some adult time and to feel like a normal family. Shit show 😆 Honestly. Shit show. Didn’t get to chat to anyone because I have to helicopter my child, who may hit other children. He’s does lots of vocal tics and people stare. I’ve become quite immune to the staring but today it was bad. Got him home and did dinner and bath. He soaked me on purpose. And found it funny. I managed not to cry but I desperately wanted to. Then he had his warm milk and gave me this little smile while cuddling his soft toy and I remember again why I can’t drink tonight.

I think that is semi the problem with milestones, you get there and think “well is this it?”. It’s just another day and can be quite difficult to get past I think without temptation. You have to keep reminding yourself it is off the table this year (easier said than done I’m sure). And really really focus on finding something else that gives you that off switch? I have tried all sorts (walking, running, reading, painting (I am shit at it) whilst listening to comedy, gardening (I am shit at this too), anything that gets your brain to move off the topic that is making you unhappy even temporarily does the same thing in the end. How is the treadmill walking going?

I will just mention this in case it helps - I think we are not dissimilar ages - but I have gone on HRT recently and it might be correlation rather than causation but oh my word I feel much better than I did.

well done on 5k @Cantdoitalll ! I have been aspiring to get back to that for ages. I keep kneecapping myself with side quests tho!

Gosh haven’t been on the treadmill in ages @TimesaChangeling. I do need a productive distraction. I’m just feeling quite overwhelmed right now. Not sure I can quite muster the energy, maybe something to think about for after Easter.

I have been thinking about HRT, so much of my moods are hormonal. And eating. I will add a doctors appointment to my list of things to do but I suspect I’m not quite there yet.

I was looking forward to my 100 days because I haven’t managed that in years and years. I also read loads of people saying 3 months was this magic number, like everything falls into place after that…. Same old here but still hopeful for something special.

Well hang on then, I forgot to say WELL DONE!!! I’m so sorry!! It truly is a bloody awesome achievement! But I do understand it is a double edged sword

Thank you @TimesaChangeling. This time last year I was still stuck in that stupid cycle of stop starting and feeling rotten so I am making progress. 100 days 💪 I guess I had thought alcohol was the biggest issue in my life. Seems it was just hiding everything else.

@AFmammaG well done on reaching 100 days! It’s reassuring reading everyone’s post, it seems like we all have our challenges. I feel like I have just gone from bringing up my Neurodiverse children and I’m now looking after my demanding 93-year-old mother on my own. I have done 41 days and I’m struggling in terms of lack of sleep. I’m awake most of the night torturing myself with negative internal dialogue. I’m using a meditation track during the night which seems to help but when does sleep get better without alcohol?