I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

Hey @Dove222 good to hear from you. I am on a very quick break between meetings right now so will get back to you later with a more interesting post 😆

@Dove222
You haven’t let anyone down. You’ve made great strides, yes a couple of steps backwards but that’s ok. Pick yourself up and tackle your weekends! Cx

@Nugg
Are you ok? Xx

Indeed @Staggeredatthisadmission. We are not judging, we hope that you will enjoy successes but whatever it is about your drinking that makes you not like yourself, feel ashamed or whatever doesn’t actually impact us. I certainly don’t feel let down.

There are many people who binge at the weekend and don’t have a drop Monday to Friday. Some people drink a little every day. I think you need to ask yourself if you are in control. If you are drinking when you don’t want to be or can’t stop when you start then you have a problem.

I think you have faced up to the truth that for now alcohol holds the balance of control. I wonder when it was when you went from being a drinker to being alcohol dependent?

So now it’s about understanding what your triggers are and getting some strategies to help you swerve round them. I will be very interested to hear what you think of the support groups this time around. I wonder if there will be any shifts in your perceptions

Thank you both, I am so fed up with it. I know I need to find some real life support.

@Nugg hope you're ok?

You haven't let anyone down. You're doing your best and had a setback, that's all. Keep going, one day at a time!

Is it the weekends you find particularly hard? Is there anything you can put in place when temptation comes calling or you feel low? Is there a friend you can call for support or something you can think of that will help distract you? Have a strong hot coffee or a brisk walk or a bit of yoga and a long hot shower with body brushing?

This is a marathon and not a sprint - some days will be harder than others so it's good to have some strategies for the toughest times. Don't beat yourself up, you just need to keep going, every day not drinking is a win. Try the meetings again, the support can be invaluable.

@Dove222
You mentioned your DH, DD and her boyfriend. You said you got home snd DD was drinking with friends. Does she know how you are feeling? If possible don’t have drink in the house. Tell DH how you feel. Ask for help x

Hey all. I'm not even gonna start to tag because I will moss someone but thank you guys for checking in. It really does mean a lot.

So I had a really bad alcohol day on Sunday, but the rest of the weekend was fine

The reason I drank too much on Sunday was an argument with my daughter who I had spent the day with on Saturday

I'm doing okay though every time I drink too much it puts me in the position where I think I hate myself which I know is not very positive or productive but does stop me doing it again

I worked for the NHS and it's a daily occurrence that something seems to come into my work life that reminds me. I need to stop doing this for various reasons.

I love it and hate it in equal measures ! But I do know that it's what's gonna keep me drinking less than I did that's all I can say I'm not gonna stop. I know I'm not gonna stop because I've been to AA on numerous occasions but if I can control my drinking and keep it on a more "normal" level that would be good for me

@Dove222 sweetheart don't beat yourself up you've got a lot of support here. It's really really hard. Alcohol is so socially acceptable and available. Xxx

Rather than coming in at the end of the day and looking backwards I thought it might be a nice change to drop in first thing and look forward.

I hope everyone watching this thread has a good day. I hope we will all take a moment to look for and appreciate our small wins. There’s no need to look too far ahead, lets just have a good Tuesday.

There is a song thrush singing in my garden tree right now, for the last week he has been on top of my neighbour’s tree. So I’m taking that as my first small win - he’s my thrush now 😆

OP, I’ve been reading your thread. I wondered if you’d considered a walking group? It’s a great way to meet people. Gets you fitter (there are walks for all levels of fitness) and really good for your mental health. Maybe have a look on Facebook and see if there are any near you or try your local leisure centre. It’s life changing for so many. Keep trying with the drinking. One day at a time. Have you tried reading/podcasts around alcohol? It changed my mindset from seeing it as a treat to what it really is-poison dressed up and marketed as a treat.

Thank you everyone.

Im feeling pretty low today but I guess that's the aftermath of drinking at the weekend?

@Staggeredatthisadmission my DD knows I'm trying to cut down. She very rarely drinks or has friends over and we don't have alcohol in the house. I wouldn't say it triggered me, it's just that I felt sad that I couldn't just have a few drinks like normal people.

I drink to escape, I know what I should be doing to help myself but this time it feels such a struggle. I have done it before and felt much better but when I stopped for 3 weeks I didn't feel as good as I've done before.

But, I'm going to take the advice of one day at a time. I need to force myself, today I'm going to clean the house and shower and wash my hair.

Thank you all for not giving up on me, you are all helping me so much, I couldn't do this without your support xx

Just to say, the way you are doing this... Amazing. There is no shame. The fact you're coming back to this thread, admitting you drank but continually pulling yourself back up. I'm in awe and it's that that makes me know you will beat this. Every span or not drinking will get longer and longer, you will realise how much brighter life is after the physical dependency fades. I don't know a single person who regrets cutting out alcohol.

Recommend the unexpected joy of being sober. It shows its a process and you can do this. If AA isnt your thing there are other groups and socialising in general will help. Book club? Am dram society? Gardening group?

Your mind will tell you, its just one, you need it to relax but its a depressive and anxiety inducing poison. Its the one causing the voices. Drown it out with the voices on this thread who believe in you.

Hello

Coming late to this…

I’m almost 52 and now 3.5 years’ sober.

In August 2021 I was in an absolute pit of despair and could not imagine things could ever change

I’d stopped for 3 weeks before, other than pregnancy that was the longest I’d ever done.

I had the “what if it’s too late” fears and the horrible burning, heart pounding in my chest every night

But at the end of the day I knew I had to at least try, because what if it wasn’t too late?

I didnt go to AA but I immersed myself in sober quit lit, podcasts, social media

I I couldn’t watch TV in the evening without a drink so I didn’t. I sat in the kitchen and did jigsaws.

For me once I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t “cut down” it became easier. The quit lit books explain that too.

Wishing you all the best , you can end up in a different place x

Hi @Dove222 , I've been reading your thread and I just wanted to say you are doing so well and not to beat yourself up for having a slip. Today is day 1 for me (daily 2+ bottles of wine drinker) and I think you are an inspiration. Keep going, you are smashing it!

Hi @Sparklingspiderwebs congrats on declaring Shrove Tuesday as your day 1. I hope you will join me later for the eating of the pancakes!

Thank you @MurdoMunro! I most definitely will be indulging in some pancakes later... Lemon and sugar all the way! Hope you enjoy them! 😋

Thank you and welcome!

The support on this thread as been invaluable to me so I hope it helps you too.

Showered, washed my hair @ cleaned the house. Feeling a lot better this evening x

@Dove222 sounds like a productive evening and I'm glad you're feeling better 💓 I'm having one of those Trip magnesium drinks and going to get into bed with a book and hopefully sleep! First day without drinking in weeks!

Have a lovely evening!

Hi,

I just wanted to say I think you are being incredibly strong, even if you don’t feel it you are.

I have been sober for ten years now but years ago had been daily drinking and had built up to opening a third bottle of wine regularly. I was thinking about my crutch of the evening drink pretty much from the moment I woke up. Stopping was very hard, and for a couple of years I still drank some at the weekends as I explained it away to myself as being far better than what I had been doing. But…it started creeping back up, the weekend starting on a Thursday, the amount becoming more etc…and I stopped completely, the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
I hope it helps you knowing that you really do have support here - I’d love you to have the health and mental peace that you deserve, we all would.

I agree with@Poisonwood the best way to turn off the alcohol noise is to stop completely. I just took a day at a time but I know I don’t have it in me to moderate. I didn’t commit forever, just kept going with it. It got easier and easier. Being free from the cycle of loathing is amazing.

Thanks for your words @Poisonwood and @bournevilleismyfavourite I appreciate hearing your perspectives. As I’ve said before, I am the daughter of an alcoholic and reading things like these helps me understand and sometimes even gives me some peace.

Mum had and accident a couple of years ago and went through a rapid detox, horrific all round. For a while after she said she could never go through that again and would be sober. But then the story changed, she would tell people she had a terrible reaction to the painkillers and they made her so sick. She was just having the one brandy before bedtime, just a wee wine after dinner and when I visited at the back end of last year she was back to fooling herself that I couldn’t see that it wasn’t tea in her mug at 10am and that her behaviour was completely normal.

My siblings are very upset but I’m in a place of indifference now, that’s my strategy for protecting myself against the pain her drinking causes. I so wish that she’d been able to what you guys have done/are doing when she was in her fifties. Things could’ve been so different.

I’m sorry if I’m quiet and seem unsupportive. Feeling awful mentally and life is pretty rubbish atm.

I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, go out or do anything tbh. Just existing really!

Still supporting everyone and wishing you well. Sorry x

@MurdoMunro it takes a huge toll on you, having an alcoholic parent, your indifference is fully understable. My father was one, and my earliest memory is trying to look after him and keep him safe before I was even at primary. He’d fought in WW2 and drank trying to forget.

@Staggeredatthisadmission you have nothing to be sorry for. Have you spoken to any professionals recently about feeling awful? Maybe you should. It’s a hard time of year, we’re all so run down and need some warmth.
I don’t do anything “fun” either, but it’s quite restful really and I try not to feel lonely…I drink lots of cups of good tea, read, and do yoga daily. I have no local friends, and no living relatives apart from my children and it’s hard sometimes.

Sorry to hear that @Staggeredatthisadmission. You mustn’t feel that you have to take on other people’s burdens. Plus - you can’t help anyone else if you’re not feeling well yourself.

Thanks for that @Poisonwood, I appreciate it your kindness. PS loved that book (I’m assuming your username is because you’re a Kingsolver fan)

@MurdoMunro yes, I’m a huge fan and think that book is brilliant! Wish she was more widely acclaimed this side of the Atlantic.

@Staggeredatthisadmission I’m new to this thread but your kindness and support for others stands out. I’m sad for you that you’re feeling so low. Can you see a doctor? Get some help? Is it anything you can talk about here?