I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

I wasn't sure if I should post this, I was just going to leave the thread but thought it may be good to look back on.

Some stuff happened yesterday and I thought my head was going to explode.

I got out of the house and had a lovely day with my mum.

Walked back into the house and everything hit me again.
DD had some friends round and they were having a few drinks (they don't drink a lot). Her (lovely) boyfriend was playing backgammon with my husband.

I just fancied a drink, I wasn't particularly angry or sad. Just thought Saturday night, why not?

Anyway I ended up drinking a bottle of white wine and a glass of red 🙈

Just sitting in my room watching tv. I thought that I would hate it but enjoyed the taste and relaxation .

Feeling awful and angry with myself today. My life is so so shit at the moment and I can't see a light. I know I'm not helping myself, but honestly I've got more crap to face and just wanted some "time out".
😢

@Dove222

Oh gosh I’m so sorry to read this. I don’t normally check this thread til evening so guess it was meant to be.

Please don’t hate yourself! You’ve done brilliantly and you’ll do brilliantly again. It’s not going to be plain sailing and you knew that. The fact that you have got this far just shows how strong you are. If it was as easy as simply stopping, then you wouldn’t have needed the support from this thread and your title wouldn’t be “I’m frightened it’s too late”

It’s not too late, it’s never too late. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

I’ve had a really crap weekend! Honestly so many things have gone wrong and I’m so angry about all sorts of stuff. I guess I’m lucky that I can quietly simmer. That will be you one day I promise.

Don’t give up on giving up. It’s a blip, not a disaster. Big hugs 🥰

I think @Dove222 we all knew we would be reading this post at some point, if not today then another. Once you get past the elation of the first couple of weeks the shit gets hard. It’s a really hard thing you are trying to do on your own and it’s why most people need the support of programmes. There were two or three recommended on here, by others who know what they’re talking about.

While you are beating yourself up though, let me add these two things.

EVERYONE stumbles on their path to sobriety. It’s not the falling down that matters, its the getting back up.

You said you started this thread for accountability and when you stumbled you came here and said it. You described it clearly, without making excuses, without saying it was someone else’s fault or anything like that. That’s a hell of a thing to have done, I’ve not come across many alcohol addicted people who spoke like you did here. Fucking well done. You are ready to do this.

@Dove222 I don't think I can add anything to improve upon @MurdoMunro 's amazing post. Your post took very real strength and courage. Give yourself very real credit for your achievement.

Thank you @Staggeredatthisadmission and @MurdoMunro

Had a lot to drink yesterday too. Same old thing where I just think fuck it 😢

It's the boredom more than actually craving alcohol. I need to find things to fill my time.

Feel so angry with myself today and hungover. I'm going to look into some meetings I need to get out of the house.

Thank you for your kind words. Back to day 1 today

I’ve heard that a lot - the boredom’s a killer. I think that’s why AA works for a lot of people, there’s structure to fill your time and a person to call every time you’re heading into the trigger zone.

Sending support. It sounds like you need to gradually build a life that doesn't bore you.

Have you ever joined groups (eg choir or other hobby) or tried volunteering? If not, what are your thoughts on trying something like that?

Humans all need to be part of a community.

Sorry to hear this @Dove222. You will get there I’m sure of it. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Would it be possible not to have alcohol in the house? Does your DD know and your DH that you are trying to stop?

Be kind to yourself! It’s not going to be easy but you can do it.

@Nugg

Thinking of you too Nugg. How are you coping? Keep going xx

@Dove222 it was the weekend for it. I had a lovely Saturday planned met some family and then waiting for the train on the way home alone I went in the pub and had a glass of wine. Then I bought a bottle at the station. Drank it when I got home.

I wasn’t drunk, but I really enjoyed the feeling. I haven’t stopped completely as you know, but I still feel a bit disappointed in myself.

Things I have done to stop the boredom which normally is during the week for me because I finish work and then I just flop… I have actually joined a pop choir. I really love this. It is so much fun. I have joined a gym and intend to do classes in an evening. I will walk now the evenings are starting to be lighter, with my dog.

Ironically, in the past what I’ve done to stop myself drinking in the evening is to do some bar work because you are not allowed to drink and it’s a social thing and I’m never tempted when I’m working so I’m even considering that again!

I’ve done lots of DIY to my house, but I have quite recently moved so this has been necessary or desired anyway

I cannot sit and scroll on my phone or watch anything on TV without thinking about needing a drink so those aren’t proper options for me if I feel I’m getting to that stage I go to bed and doom scroll because I would never take a drink to bed!

@Staggeredatthisadmission thank you for thinking of me. I am okay I’m healing really really well apart from one deep wound by my eye which I am going to get checked out this week.

It probably sounds crazy to people that don’t understand the craving but I am so thrilled that actually despite the amount I drunk unexpectedly on Saturday I have cut down massively which is a big deal to me and I’m very pleased

Well done @Nugg and thank you everyone for your kind words.

Been feeling a bit sorry for myself today, but tomorrow is a new day.

I really hope my sleep isn't disturbed but will just have to deal with it.

Thank you for all your suggestions. I need to find stuff to do to stop the loneliness and boredom. I did reach out to a good friend today. It was someone I met in hospital and they really "get me". It's hard because going through something like that really changes you. I lost most of my so called friends (not that I had a big group of friends) so I'm very wary of making new friends now at my age.

But I do have alot of positives in my life and I'm going to concentrate on them.

Not going to beat myself up about this weekend. I nearly did 3 weeks which is a great improvement to drinking most evenings. My old self would say "oh fuck it" and I would have probably had a drink tonight. But I'm going to try and concentrate on my achievements and not my failures.

Thank you all again x

@Dove222 oh sweetheart, do not beat yourself up

It’s very naff but it really is a journey not a destination

You are doing amazingly well. As far as I can see you are drinking a lot less than that is what I hope to do.

And you are doing that

@Dove222 please don't beat yourself up. You have recognised your triggers which is actually hugely helpful if you start finding other things to do when you know the triggers may happen. I now do a lot more in the evening (admittedly half of it is running the kids to clubs but I have to drive so no chance of having alcohol) but other nights I try read a book, colour, tidy up things that need done etc.

@Dove222
@Nugg

and anyone else struggling!

I am thinking of you all and sending love and strength.

Me too

@Staggeredatthisadmission and @MurdoMunro

Thank you!! Been ok today, even managed a walk. Thanks for your support.

Hope you're ok @Nugg ❤️

I'm actually good. Tonight was choir and I love it! Came home and had a Fanta haha!

Well done for getting out for a walk! I need to knuckle down into the exercise because that definitely puts me off drinking. I'm just being quite lazy lately!!

A day of small wins all round. Great.

14 years sober here. Try and get to an AA meeting. You might need to try some different ones out to find one you like. Don't worry about understanding it all at the start.

Personally I wouldn't worry about your weight at this stage either. You can deal with that a bit further down the line (if you want to). If you fancy something sweet just have it. Buy some posh soft drinks. Some new pyjamas. Nice book. Just treat yourself well in these I initial few weeks.

Good job wanting to make a change. You're never too old.

Is everyone ok? Thinking of you all xx

Hey @Staggeredatthisadmission
Im ok thanks, no drinks for me this week! Feeling a lot better and more positive.

Have been out for some walks in the spring sunshine x

This weather is so uplifting isn’t it, I needed it too. Tomorrow is the first day of meteorological spring, I plan to celebrate with some fancy chocolate

Hello everybody, does the wonderful weather not just make everything feel so much better??
I've had a really busy work week, which also helps my alcohol consumption

I've got an exciting weekend of wedding dress shopping for my eldest who is very anti-alcohol which although sometimes it has pissed me off I'm grateful for it !!

Hope everyone is doing well and has some nice plans for this mild weather !

Is everyone ok? Been a little quiet? X

Uh-huh. It has gone quiet. If you don’t need us anymore @Dove222 and @Nugg then that is absolutely fine, you owe us nothing. But we are here for you - good news or bad, or just an accountability check-in.

@Staggeredatthisadmission @MurdoMunro

Thank you for checking in. I've had a pretty bad weekend and embarrassed to say I did drink Sat and Sun night.
Im not making excuses other than I wanted the noise in my head to stop.

I need to get out and do more things but I'm finding it very hard.
I'm going to see my therapist on Wednesday and definitely go to a meeting. I have been to 2 meetings in the past and didn't really click with them. But will keep trying.

My only positive at the moment is that I did 3 whole weeks and have stopped the mid-week drinking. I'm determined to keep trying.

Thank you for your support and I'm sorry I e let you down 😢