I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

Well done @Dove222 you're doing so well.

Come and talk to us anytime, especially if you're struggling with dark or difficult thoughts.

There will be difficult times when the booze will tempt you.

I've been struggling lately mentally, I catastrophise a lot. I'm trying to notice when my mind heads that way and pull my thoughts away. It's not easy, but it's good to notice when I'm doing this and I'm being kind to myself and trying my best to pull back from this kind of thinking by acknowledging it's hurting me more.

Are there any strategies you can plan to use when dark thoughts come along?

You're doing so well. Keep going. In the hard times try and keep your eyes on the prize (health and a better relationship with your DC)

Thank you all again!
@UncertainWife Im sorry that you have been struggling too, I think your advice is the best and just to be kind to yourself.

I have a huge folder of stuff I can read through, I was in hospital for a while after my breakdown and had lots of help with different therapies and coping strategies.

It's been another sad and lonely day for me. I have a lot of mental stress at the moment. It was one of those days when I really needed a friend (I don't have many).

My mum is tremendously supportive but I was even snappy with her on the phone today 😢

I haven't eaten well today either and that didn't help as I have a ton of weight to lose.

I just feel Incredibly lonely today, I need to force myself out tomorrow.

Your messages and support is keeping me going ❤️

So proud of you. From one who’s been there, it really does get easier. Sending you big hug.

Glad you've got that folder of stuff with some coping strategies to draw on.

Sorry to hear you've had a sad and lonely day and have lots of mental stress. That is very hard on the mind.

Being snappy with your mum is forgiveable! We all show off the worst sides of ourselves to family members. It's hard not to let the strain show. Remember, be kind to yourself. You've had a tough day.

I haven't read the full thread so don't know all of your circumstances. How do you pass your time day to day? Do you work? If you don't work are there any groups or activities you could join locally where you could meet people and feel less lonely e.g. art class, volunteering, church activities, choir? Maybe joining something like that would feel too overwhelming at the moment I'm just trying to think of ways you could meet people and start building relationships to help with your feelings of loneliness and sadness.

My few good friends moved away, and I didn't have many friends locally. I've made a huge effort over the last few years to try and change this. It's not totally fixed, I tried out various groups and activities I didn't like and didn't go back to, but I feel I've made a little bit of progress in making local friends. Sorry if none o this is relevant or appropriate I'm just trying to think of ways you could gradually make some positive changes in your life to make you feel better as it sounds as if you've fallen into a bit of a hole lately and need a bit of help getting out of it.

Stay strong. You can do it. You really can.

I'm sorry that it's tough at the moment. The whole thing is a long road, but worth it in the long term.

Parkrun next week? If you can walk 5km, there's always parkwalkers to walk with. And it's free.

And don't worry too much about the food at the moment. You can't do everything at once. The drinking is the priority.

Well done @Dove222 you are doing fantastic so please be proud of yourself.

Do you have any hobbies or interests you could take up? Do you enjoy the gym? There are woman only gyms that are often really friendly and supportive.

@Dove222 A huge well done to your almost two weeks. What an achievement!
I mistakenly thought you had a DH or a DP. Have I imagined that? Just thinking if she, two weeks ago you didn’t think you could do two days, but you can and two months. Mental health problems are hard. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t think it was a thing until we lost everything. Keep being brave🥰

@Nugg

Dont be hard on yourself on the days you fail. Remember you only failed because you were trying. Every day is a new day to start again. Don’t give up on giving up. You know you can do this. 🥰

Thank you again everyone.

@Staggeredatthisadmission I do have a husband but he isn't very supportive (a whole other thread!)

Im not working at the moment, but I know I need to push myself to get out and socialise more.
I have a gym membership which I have t even used yet. But I'm going to force myself to go this week.

I watched a documentary last night called Rain In My Heart. It's on BBC iplayer . So utterly heartbreaking. It follows the lives of 4 alcoholics and I was in tears. I urge anyone who is struggling to try and watch.
It is a real eye opener and has give. Me some strength to carry on with this sober journey.

@Dove222 I watched that earlier on your recommendation - excuse the non pun but a sobering watch. You're doing incredibly! Well done again!

I had a non-correlated incident last night when walking my dog and ended up in A&E have smashed my face to pieces but no lasting damage just a bit of concussion and I look like I'm a victim of some awful attack

The good thing is, I feel so awful and it's so painful. I won't be drinking!

Ironically, because I did this despite being completely and utterly sober because I have been decorating all day it's put me off drinking because this is the sort of situation I have got myself into before in drink

However, if I do end up having a drink this week one day I'm not gonna beat myself up because ultimately I have cut down massively which is what I wanted to do initially leading to being sober for life

@Nugg how awful for you! I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better soon.

The documentary was so sad and hit home how easy it is to fall into full blown alcoholism.

Well done on how far you have come, great work! X

Oh shit @Nugg. Were you on your own when it happened? I hope you heal quickly but be careful about the concussion, even small ones should be taken seriously. Be gentle with yourself.

I will try and watch that programme this week, will see how I get on with it. Sometimes I struggle if things hit too close to home.

2 weeks today!! Not going to lie feels more like two months 😂

How are you feeling @Nugg ?

Congratulations!

My dad stopped at 66- last year . He drank since 14 yo. Heavy drinker and depression for all his adult life. He's a new person. No sign of depression now he's chucked the drink for good. Lost 30kg! Now 182cm, 90kg. He's exercising and all. Unrecognisable! He went cold turkey- none of us thought he could do it. Beyond proud!!

Two weeks. Flippin Nora. 🥈

That's absolutely amazing! Congratulations. The first two weeks are always going to be the worst. Now you just have to make sure you never have to do those first two weeks again!

Thank you! I am feeling slightly chuffed 😂

@kalokagathos how amazing is your dad! Makes me a feel a bit more positive that I haven't left it too late.
I need to up the exercise, I have been feeling a bit poorly today but I'm determined to hit that gym

This is a business thing, linked to the incremental gains theory used by GB cycling leading up to the 2012 Olympics -

‘Professor Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer wrote in detail about how progress can boost performance in their 2011 book, "The Progress Principle."
In their research, they asked 238 people (from 26 project teams in seven major organizations) to keep an anonymous diary, so that they could track their experiences on a daily basis. They received more than 12,000 separate diary entries, which they used to analyze people's "inner work lives" – their perceptions, emotions, and motivation levels – and to explore how this affected their performance.

They found that when people consistently take steps forward – even small steps - on meaningful projects, they are more creative, productive, and engaged, and they have better relationships.’

Keep noticing the small wins @Dove222, they all add up to something much bigger than just the sum of their parts.

@Dove222 congratulations!!! Well done you!! I'm on day 4.

@kalokagathos how amazing is that for your dad?! What an inspiration!

I feel so rough, my face is puffed up like a balloon and the bruising is spreading all over. I look like I've been mugged 🥺

It hasn't been too painful, just so however last night the headache started with a vengeance and I've got terrible nausea. I know it's all just concussion but it's exhausting.

At least it's taken my mind off wine !!! bit of an extreme way to do it though

@MurdoMunro thank you, that's very interesting and I'm going to take that on board.
@Nugg that sounds horrible, do you live alone? I don't know anything about concussion but did you get checked out?

Sorry I’ve been a bit rubbish on the support front. My DH came home for four days and the two of us and the DC’s have had some great family time.

@Dove222 Wow look at you go 😀 Please tell me you are filled with total pride. If not, why not?

@Nugg Oh gosh that sounded like a very nasty fall. I hope you are feeling better now. You are doing amazing too @Nugg such and enormous effort…amazing!!!

As I said, I have experience of gambling from DH and no one knows how hard addiction is, only the person living it.

Keep going x

Morning all!

I do live alone but have daily contact with friends and family and work friends who are checking in on me. I'm glad to be alone I hate any fuss especially when I'm feeling under the weather

My dog gives great snuggles 🤣😍

The bruising etc is clearing up amazingly well it's just the pain and concussion now. But it's improving. I feel very lucky as it could have been so much worse. I've a deep wound about 5mm from my eye 😳

Keep going @Dove222 !! You must feel so proud!

Day 7 for me, this has not happened for a while...!

@Staggeredatthisadmission glad you have had a nice time with your family.
I am feeling slightly proud but also guilty on how I let myself get so bad. It's a normal thing for me to go over and over the past unfortunately.

Wednesday was probably my best day, I was feeling very positive but I think I've got some kind of virus as although I'm not really sick I have no energy. Slept from 9.30 last night until 9.00 this morning.

@Nugg glad you have people checking in on you and lots of snuggles from your pooch.

Well done on 7 days!! Hopefully you will start to feel better soon.

I think the worst bit at the moment is the loneliness. Never used to bother me as I had my bottle to keep me company. I need to work on making some friends but my mood is t really open to socialising at the moment.

I've had such a bad few years that I'm not the bright, funny person I used to be.

Anyway, on a lighter note I've lost 10lbs!! Been really trying not to stuff my face and comfort eat. I have a lot more to lose but I am feeling healthier.

Glad to hear your bruising is subsiding @Nugg I wonder if some arnica oil might help with that and the scar? And I’m with you on the not wanting people fussing around, I’m the same. Leave me with the dog and the TV remote thankyouverymuch.

@Dove222 loneliness is a bugger of a thing, really tricky to resolve particularly when you have complicated shit going on with yourself and have mislaid your mojo (it’ll be in the house somewhere, you know how these things go, the thing you thought you had lost suddenly turns up when you’re furtling at the back of a drawer for something else).

I think it would be useful to put the topic of loneliness on your list of small wins. Chatting here on this thread could be the first win. Although we are strangers you are not entirely on your own so that’s something.

Social media used wisely might be just enough for now. Even without leaving mumsnet there are book and craft chats for example. You could have a think about committing to an activity that you can chat about online maybe?