I'm Frightened it's too late

[Dove222]

Posting here for advice and accountability.

My drinking has increased a lot lately due to various reasons. I've been drinking around 2 bottles of wine most nights.

Attempted dry Jan and managed for 2 weeks then went back to it.

This weekend I had it in my head to start again today. I drank a lot, justifying that I was going to stop so may as well go for it 🥺

Last night I woke up with this awful burning sensation in my chest. I was violently sick and felt awful. It started to terrify me that I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I have put on 3 stone and have no longer been looking after myself. My grown children hate me drinking and don't want to be around me when I've been drinking.

Im terrified I will lose them. I'm terrified I've damaged myself. Im terrified I will look like this fat old hag forever.

Im 55, have I left this too late? Can I turn this around?

Day 1 today but I need to carry this on

Hi @MurdoMunro, thanks for thinking of me. Have only had a couple of non drinking days since I last posted. I've choir in the morning so I won't drink tonight, don't want to be breathing wine fumes over everyone! 😖So back on it again. Hope your day went well and ❤to all on this lovely thread

Hi everyone.

Haven't had a drink, feeling much better mentally but still can't seem to do much physical activity. But I am feeling a lot more optimistic about my future.

Still taking it a day at a time, I had a little win on Friday. Really fancied some wine but I played it forward again and it put me off.

Im still determined to go to a meeting at some point but haven't had the headspace. Been really careful about my eating though and because of no drinking I've managed to lose 1stone. That has cheered me up enormously and another incentive not to pick up!

I also had some therapy this week which I found so helpful.

Well done @MurdoMunro, can we see some pictures of your work? Sugar cravings are awful, my friend takes meds for ADHD and he sometimes binges.
@Sparklingspiderwebs baby steps x

Morning everyone, the sun is shining where I am.
To be honest it doesn't make me feel better as my garden is an absolute tip and it just makes it look worse! :)

Anyway, posting again for accountability but I caved last night and had a bottle of wine.

I have been spending my nights in my room, reading and watching tv.
Things have been happening at home that have brought up feelings I had before my breakdown a few years ago.

I had the house to myself, had been busy all day trying to spring clean and decided to watch Adolescence on the sofa. Went and got some wine, I have been doing well right? I deserve this?

To be honest I enjoyed the first couple of glasses, it was nice to be out of my room. But regretting it today. It seems to be the 3 week mark that I think "fuck it".

I suppose because I haven't been feeling significantly better I just thought that it couldn't do any harm?

I know I need to get out, I know I need to try and go to a meeting. But I am overwhelmed with this sadness and loneliness.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, back to Day 1 today, let's give it another try.

Hey @Dove222 i’m having a terrible week as well so what I’m gonna do in the morning is join slimming world I was in the office today and so many of my colleagues have lost substantial amounts of weight doing this but it spurred me on and it will cut down my drinking as I need accountability!
glad you’re back on day one I hope it goes well. How are you feeling? Xx

Bloody hell @Dove222 that wasn’t a ramble, I’d wins hands down in a rambling competition with you!

Thats all very disappointing isnt it? Not surprised you’re kicking yourself. But on the other hand I think that’s something most of us can relate to, maybe trying to lose weight but ‘treating’ ourselves at the weekend and absolutely gorging, or giving up smoking and feeling like you deserve ‘just the one’ on Friday early doors.

But in terms of small wins you’ve learned something new about your triggers, loneliness is a factor, so is boredom and now the 3 week mark leading you to drop your guard. So write that on the list!

What are the barriers to joining a group (AA or one of the others), is it time? Leaving the house, travel costs, small talk?

You could find yourself a group that meets online, most of them do that.

It’s coming at it from a different angle @Nugg eh? Maybe the change of focus will be helpful. Sounds like a plan

Thank you all.

The thing is I know what to do. I know I need to get out of this house, stop scrolling on social media etc.

Im still on anti depressants and they do make me lazy. Every night I think tomorrow I will get out and be productive but I just can't seem to make myself do it.

Im not that devastated about drinking yesterday. I'm upset because I couldn't be stronger and I knew it wouldn't make me feel better but I wanted to escape.
.
I'm justifying it by the fact I've had a couple of good weeks in between and have seriously cut down on my alcohol consumption. At the start of this thread I really couldn't see a way out and thought I had crossed that bridge of no return.

Im just kind of tired of trying all the time, my life isn't no where near what I thought it would be. However, I do know if I continue down the road of drinking then it will become a lot worse.

I really appreciate your kind and supportive messages. I'm not giving up x

I have put so much weight on over the last 12 months since I lost my mum and lost my life to wine but absolutely yes the angle is needed but also has benefits. I hope!

It’s so easy to see and realise what to do. It’s another step to do it We are all rooting For you, even those of us that cannot manage what you do….2 weeks sober!!

@Nugg please be gentle with yourself. Losing your mum is devastating, I'm so sorry.❤️

Sorry to hear your struggling. You're not alone and many people have been where you are.

I could say an awful lot about AA... But this isn't the place. In a nutshell, it isn't for everyone, and personally I found it harmful.

Here are my recommendations:

• buy 'quit lit' like you're stocking loo roll during COVID! 'Catherine grey ' 'bryony Gordon - rock bottom' 'clare pooley' 'sober is the new black' 'ice and a slice ' (that one is fictional, but you'll relate and it's comforting)

-podcasts podcasts podcasts!!!!! :

• 'sober awkward' 'sober stories' (there's more ) Spotify is the platform I got mine on.

These will help to make you feel less alone and realise you're a strong, capable woman who can do this !!!!!

Sober life is fab. It takes a long time to fully let go of alcohol, but the longer you do it, the easier if gets

I've got loads to say! I could write a book! But I'll leave it there for now.

AA is not the most modern approach, it's not very empowering for women in the 21st century. Some people like it and benefit from it. But don't be talked into it being a 'you' problem if that particular method isn't the one for you.

Good luck. You can put the drink down. Start with the books and podcasts

Thank you❤️ It’s been literally life changing. I’m not the same person anymore. I’ve lost the one constant, the rock in my life. I’m going to drive four hours today to her house and spend the next week emptying it of all her personal effects so it’s going to be a tough one but one I would love to do without alcohol… It will be a challenge, but I know I will feel amazing if I do it

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through.

When I had my breakdown it was triggered by nearly losing my dad. I hadn't been drinking for a while leading up to it. But it triggered so many emotions that I slowly lost control. At that point I physically couldn't drink, the anxiety was horrific.

I hope you have some support in real life?

@BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner
Ive been to 2 AA meetings and things didn't click which I guess is why I'm reluctant to go again. At one of them a lady literally cornered me and asked for my number and I felt very uncomfortable.
It also bought bake a lot of memories from my hospital stay. They had an addictions ward there too. Honestly, I could write a book about that place!

At least I managed to sleep ok last night, going to listen to some podcast today. I quite like This is Powerful. Day 2 x

It's really not a 'you' problem with AA. If I was forced to summarise it really succinctly, it'd be this: "it's Jehovah's witnesses for problem drinkers" (I don't use the term "alcoholic"- dirty bloody word!)

Anyway, well done for making a start with podcasts etc- really immerse yourself in these strong women's stories (they've all been where you are, and so have a lot of us!) and they - and we- have come out the other side. It really IS possible. And it's possible to do it your own sweet way - so long as you do have a method and a plan !

Keep on keeping on. Binge on the books and podcasts daily for now, it'll really help inspire you and boost the 'i can do this' mindset.

It will take time you know, you're like Bambi trying to walk at the moment! You've slipped and stumbled. You're trying to extricate from an ingrained habit and it's bloody hard !! Time time time! You'll retrain your brain eventually. I have, I do rarely (if ever, come to think about it now) even think about alcohol - I just honestly don't! One day you'll be there too x

One thing DH said to me that helped was, that not drinking, in and of itself, for me, was work. Bloody hard work. So when I was booting myself up the jacksey for not having done anything all day, I actually had. I'd done a lot.

Even when you do have a drink, all that time you weren't having a drink, you were fighting the urge, the compulsion, the habit, the societal pressure, to have a drink.

So give yourself kudos for all that hard work, invisible and unseen that it is, that you're doing.

How’s it hanging thread-friends? Up, down, shaking it all about or in the pits?

Hey @MurdoMunro

I wasn't going to come on this thread for a while because I'm feeling so bad.
I drunk Fri, Sat &Sun 🥹

I've really let myself down, I'm just not coping with life at all at the moment.

Sunday night I woke with the most horrific heartburn and was really sick. So not great, this thread has been so supportive so I'm sorry.

Bad news @Dove222 for sure and I’m sorry to hear it. I’d love to tell you that I can rescue you but I’m not even going to pretend to try. You know I’m here because of my experience of growing up with, still enduring, an alcoholic parent. I’ve tried all the rescue things but none of it budged her and all it did was make me even more sad and angry.

I think you know that you drink because you think can’t resolve your life problems. I also think you know that a good number of your life problems are because you drink.

I hope you can hear my kind and neutral tone of voice here, I’m not having a go, I promise. But I think you could look at all of it as avoidance. There’s something that’s making you avoid your problems, your drinking, your problems, your drinking…

Is there something in your personality, background or learned behaviours that makes you avoid the hard stuff rather than go through it?

Is there something bigger than the drinking and the ‘life problems’ that you don’t want to become uncovered?

You need the help of people who know what they’re doing.

This may sound like an excuse but here goes.

Before my breakdown I wasn't drinking. The. As I was going through it and all during my treatment I couldn't drink and didn't want to.

As I was getting better being able to drink made me feel "normal" again.
Things at home aren't great, I'm dealing with a lot. I think that because I can still drink means that I am coping and I'm not headed for another breakdown.

The urge to drink has definitely got less since I started this thread. However, I'm tired of trying with my mental health and my circumstances. So sometimes I hit that "fuck it" button.

This weekend was particularly hard as it was the anniversary of something. Again I'm not making excuses, but I needed to feel numb.

Dove222, I really think you would benefit from giving AA another try. There will be someone who can act as a mentor to you, someone you can contact when you feel the urge to drink. When someone there asks for your phone number, it's because they want to offer support. Also, other drinkers understand the yearning to feel numb because they've been/or are going through it.

You might need to try a few different AA groups until you find the right one. You can kick the habit, but you need to reach out for the help that is there.

Your post is entitled "I'm frightened it's too late".... please don't let that come true.

I agree with Tortoise. You’re saying things that I’ve heard other drinkers (and ex drinkers) say. This thread is a phenomenal first step. Steady your legs, notice your balance, breathe a big breath and take the next step.

I’m so sorry to read this @Dove222 the thing is there is always a reason to drink - celebrate, blot stuff out. I agree with the others that maybe you need real life support. Good luck.

@Dove222 You had a blip. Forgive yourself, what you’re doing is hard. And now start again with your sobriety. This thread is still here for you, for the ups and downs.

You've come so far, you’re not back to square one. You know you can do this. Keep going.

Thank you for the kind replies. I am still seeing my therapist but not as regular as I should.

Im terrified of having another breakdown, last time I was covered by my private health but they have withdrawn all cover now so I would have to rely on the NHS which is awful.

Im really going to try.

Do you have a women’s centre near you? I have a friend with complex issues getting weekly therapy there from very experienced/qualified person on ‘what you can afford, suggestion £30 p/h’ arrangement. Bit of a waiting list to get on but not nearly as long as NHS