I wish I hadn't married a drunk

[IP654firtle]

Just that really. Birthday meal planned (booked by me) and he's passed out drunk on the sofa. We are supposed to leave in 25 mins and I'm not going to do damage control and wake him up. I know it sounds pathetic but I've had my hair done, bought an outfit and put my eyelashes on to look good. And he hasn't even bothered to wash. I feel like an absolute idiot and am tempted to book a hotel and leave him to it. He is the sweetest man but I just can't fix him. Sorry to rant but I feel very alone!

This. LTB. Signed, ex-wife and daughter of an alcoholic.

You are able to apply for a legal separation if you have been married for under a year. Please don't waste any more of your life on this alcoholic man. Once a year has elapsed file for divorce. Don't have children and try to disentangle yourself re property and finances so the divorce will just be a matter of paperwork.

Been there and he'd say why marry me and want to change me and he's right !
I'd hoped I'd take priority over drink.
Leave and work on self worth and boundaries and break cycles on picking people who will never make you feel like a princess.
I'm 4 years free and finally loving life.

He loves alcohol more than he loves you. That is how it will always be, sadly.

As the child of an alcoholic, I am telling you, OP, there is nothing you can do. As long as he loves the booze more, you will never get a look in. Leave him and have a good life for yourself.

@IP654firtle 4.50pm and he is in a drunken stupor???? does he not work??? why did you ever marry him! leave the drunk and go to a hotel. enjoy your evening and come back tomorrow and pack up his stuff and toss him out!

Take a hug, OP. I know it's not as easy as LTB but I wish I'd know what it would be like after a year, not sure I'd still be here now. As it is, I'm many years in and quite honestly just waiting for the day when I come in the front door and find him dead rather than passed out. It escalates and becomes a horrible kind of normal. Take care of yourself.

You can end a marriage any time you like.

You can ‘fight’ for yourself and your future happiness .

PM me if you want details of how to get an at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

I'm glad DH stuck by me, but while I was aware I was losing him, I can't hand on heart say that was what drove me to get help. I was ill, and I wanted out of the cycle.

But we can and do recover.

I don’t know what to advise. No you can’t change him, that’s totally true. You can give him an ultimatum but if he’s not ready, he’s not ready.

I think if I were you I would head out and leave him to stew. Maybe it will shock him into action. You could also look up some support, like Al Anon who support relatives and families.

You can't fight alcoholic and expect to win - the desire he has for it outweighs you by multiples.

You can't love him to sobriety.

It doesn't work like that and if you try, you will end up worn out, exhausted and a wreck yourself.

You might not be able to divorce for a year but you can separate and make sure your finances aren't intertwined.

There's absolutely no point in an ultimatum. If you're in doubt, contact AlAnon for the relatives of alcoholics and ask them how effective ultimatums have been.

OP, think hard about what you want.

Only he can decide to sober up.

My father is an alcoholic. After my mother died, he somehow convinced a lovely woman to partner with him. She is way too good for him. I have no idea why she stays.

you can’t save him and you can’t fix him. I’m sure the idea of being alone is frightening, but I can assure you from life experience that living with an alcoholic is not preferable.

I've been there. I was the alcoholic who needed to quit, with a very frustrated partner who needed desperately for me to quit. It can happen - but only if the person really wants to change. If they aren't committed to quitting, it's pretty much hopeless.

I’m so sorry but he isn’t going to change. Alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can pull themselves back up. Sad but true. You will spend your life living around his drinking and that’s no life at all

Unfortunately that’s true

Better to end your marriage in less than a year than stay married to an alcoholic.

Why did you marry him?

:(

OP there is a thread on here called 'The reality of the end'.

Have you read it? I did recently and it's incredibly sad and eye-opening in how almost completely inevitable it is.

Go out with friends, book a hotel for a few nights and remember how good life can be without this massive drain on your emotions, time, and finances.

What does 'fight for him' mean though? You can't do any fighting that would solve this. You can't magically make him stop being an alcoholic. You can't fix this. Only he can. For that to happen, he needs to really, really want to and have a lot of persistence and willpower. What negative consequences are his alcoholism having for him at the moment?

There’s nothing you can do about his addiction sadly. You have to protect yourself. You either live with it and your life being ruled by him and his shit or leave

passed out drunk at 4.30 in the afternoon signals a serious issue

HE needs to fight for HIM - and if he won't then get out and don't look back. He's choosing drinking over you. I'm sorry to hear that you're newly married, what a waste he is.

I don't know what you should do tonight, none of it will make you happy I imagine. So sorry for you.

Btw, please don't have children with him. That won't make him better.

Sorry this is shit for you but please don’t stay with him. Divorce or annulment whatever is quickest do that. You will get dragged down and he won’t change. I know several adult children in therapy due to parents alcoholism. It’s horrendous. Just leave. You’re worth more than this. This is the honeymoon phase- it’s not going to get any better. Sorry.