I wish I hadn't married a drunk

[IP654firtle]

Just that really. Birthday meal planned (booked by me) and he's passed out drunk on the sofa. We are supposed to leave in 25 mins and I'm not going to do damage control and wake him up. I know it sounds pathetic but I've had my hair done, bought an outfit and put my eyelashes on to look good. And he hasn't even bothered to wash. I feel like an absolute idiot and am tempted to book a hotel and leave him to it. He is the sweetest man but I just can't fix him. Sorry to rant but I feel very alone!

Book the hotel and don't go back.

Book a hotel, go by yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet away from him. How selfish to do this on your birthday.
Do you want to share more about the history, how long have you been together, how much and often does he drink, how long has this been going on etc?

Book yourself into a nice hotel and take some time out away from this person. Sadly I doubt it will give him the kick up the arse he needs.. time to start thinking about yourself!!

Im so sorry OP. He’s not “the sweetest man”. He’s an alcoholic who’s too pissed to be with you on your birthday. Book that hotel and take some time to consider what you want the next couple of years to look like.

Have you got children? You need to start making plans to leave and divorce him. He will never change. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Any friends locally who could quickly get ready and join you ?

I'm sorry but he won't change. I spent years with a drinker and myself and our kids came last including the bills. Glad I left and am now happy.

Sorry OP.

Leave a note next to him saying you tried to wake him and that you're going on your own and will be staying at a hotel as a treat to yourself.

Think hard about where this relationship is going.

For what is matters Happy Birthday OP!

Please go treat yourself 💐

Do you have anyone else to go out with? If you do I would just pack a bag, book a hotel and go out.

He has his life - which he is ruining. Don't give him any more chances to ruin yours too.

You can't live your life like this, to him alcohol will always come first, think of yourself for once and leave him for good.

Happy Birthday.

Please do go out and salvage your evening. x

So sorry - didn't mean to mislead - its his birthday and we are only married a couple of months. No children and mid 40's . I've booked little birthday treats this week as I want him to feel loved but I can't fight the booze. He has periods of sobriety and he is an amazing person regardless of the drink. I think I need to decide whether to fight for him or just save myself and I feel awful thinking that. Ultimatum time I think.

What do you mean fight for him? You can’t fight the alcohol. Only he can decide to do that.

Don't waste anymore of your precious life on him. Book yourself into a nice hotel, regroup and tomorrow make plans to exit the marriage

Go out yourself. The cinema is good for going out alone if you do t want to eat at a restaurant alone. Buy yourself some treats.
See if there's a friend free who wants to go out. Don't waste the night out you had planned.

I don't think I can divorce under one year. I do love him so much but he is breaking my heart at the moment. I've seen glimpses of the man he used to be and could be. It's agonising.

'Alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages' is a quotation I read which resonated, when I was breaking up with an alcoholic. You can feel sorry for his wasted potential and also leave, rather than wasting your life too, by imagining a different one.

Sadly he has very little chance of becoming that person if you stay with him, because he has no incentive to stop drinking. You probably made a mistake marrying him but please don't waste any more time wishing he was different - the man passed out is who he is.

If he won’t fight for himself, there’s no point you fighting. Indeed, the only chance an alcoholic has is if he / she fights for themselves, but sadly even that is often not sufficient. Up to 70% relapse and many of the ‘recovering’ ones have other demons emerge to take the liquor’s place. You need to start thinking seriously if you are prepared to have the next 20 to 40 years controlled by booze - either dealing with drunkenness or being dominated by the rollercoaster emotions of climbing on and subsequently falling off the wagon.

You are wasting your life. Booze will win every single day. Ten birthdays from now nothing will have changed. You have a choice today, walk out and reclaim your life or waste every single day of your precious with this alcoholic.

You can though.

Don't waste any more time. Booze will always come first

If you stay you’ll just waste more of your life whilst he continues his main relationship. That’s him and the booze.

You can't "fight" for him, or fix him as his main relationship is with alcohol, and sadly not with you. Only he can resolve the issues in his life and he won't find a solution for them at the bottom of a bottle.

Ring up a friend and go out for dinner with them. Or use the time to create a "to do" list to line up your ducks. I don't know the legal situation if you haven't been married long but a solicitor can best advise you. Contact Al anon. I wish you well.

Daughter of a drunk and a former brief partner of a drunk here.
Myself teetotal.
Book the hotel, enjoy yourself on your own and have a good think about your life.
You sound young to easily start again.
Oh, and don't wake him up, he would be completely useless to you and a potential danger to himself.
🍀

'Fight for him'?

Not possible.

Only he can fight for himself, he wants to drink, drink wins.

I'd look into an annulment if possible saying he mislead you about his drinking. REgardless, I'd look to end the marriage quickly so he doesn't become entitled to your assets.