I wish I hadn't married a drunk

[IP654firtle]

Just that really. Birthday meal planned (booked by me) and he's passed out drunk on the sofa. We are supposed to leave in 25 mins and I'm not going to do damage control and wake him up. I know it sounds pathetic but I've had my hair done, bought an outfit and put my eyelashes on to look good. And he hasn't even bothered to wash. I feel like an absolute idiot and am tempted to book a hotel and leave him to it. He is the sweetest man but I just can't fix him. Sorry to rant but I feel very alone!

Its not sweet to prioritize drinking over your partner. Hope you have fun in the hotel. You may love each other, but I could not live like this.

When he's sober calmly explain unless he wants to get help you can't stay with him. Give him the opportunity. My DH found AA & totally turned his (& our) lives around. It takes a lot of work & unpacking what hole is trying to be filled with the addiction, but it can be done. I understand the notion of knowing there's a good man in there. If there is, he'll show himself to you if he can. If he can't, or won't, then you LTB.

But OP can’t do that for him, can she. She can’t make him get better, only he can do that. She’s only a few months in, now is the time to leave.

A lot of other people have said it and you don’t sound like you are ready to leave, but the majority of alcoholics do not really change I’m so sorry to say in my experience and I’m going to be really blunt here now - you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. There is a reason nearly all the comments are unanimous on this. I hope that you listen even though I know it is hard xx

Also any children you have if that is what you choose will be dragged into this dysfunctional life and the consequences are life long for them - ask me how I know xx

Please don't have children with him. It's one thing to choose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, it's quite another to subject children to it.

How long has he been a drunk? He has to want to stop drinking and to do it for himself, no one else. He may stop but then again he may not. Is it a gamble you are willing to take?

Totally agree.

Love the username.

Everyone saying alcoholics don't change and leave him now just because he's a man! And yet other alcohol support threads say keep going you can do it because it's a woman!
An alcoholic has to want to change. Many can change and stop drinking and also others can't. Mumsnet is so sexist!

Nope. I'd say - and have said - exactly the same about female alcoholics and other addicts.

Interestingly, one of the things that was said to the ex at residential rehab (first time round) was that maybe one of them would remain clean/sober in five years and at least four of them would be dead by then. I suppose it was to convey how serious a situation they were in and perhaps make them want to be that one person.

If he was drunk at 16.41pm does he not work?

Man, this thread is hitting hard. Trying to get the guts up to leave my husband, who has a serious drink problem. It's sobering (no pun intended) to see it laid out so clearly by those who have been there. OP, I hope you find a peaceful life without this man in it x

Just divorce him now

Yes it's hitting me hard too but in a good way. I've just not felt I've had an option but to put up/try to fix. We've had a very frank discussion and he is looking for help now. If he doesn't follow through it is going to be over for us. I'll have my Plan B ready if this is the case.

Just coming back to give you an insight into a colleague's downfall to alcoholism. Got married to a lovely woman, seemed happy and they had a child. He then confessed to me about his drinking - at which point it was already out of control. Wife eventually left with the young child (5 years old at that point) he spiralled down even further and got caught 3 times over the limit driving.. lost his license! Continued to drink but tried and failed several times at rehab. Last time I spoke to him he was again trying to get help, then he was gone. The alcohol took him and he died a very slow death in a one bedroom flat alone. He had an amazing job, get family and a bright future ahead but the drink always came first.. my mother was also an alcoholic and what I witnessed growing up is something I'll never forget, we tried and failed to get her help over and over again. Please save yourself, I hope you are OK today? xx

Good for you, OP - I hope it works out for you!

Well it’s a start, but my advice would be to make your Plan B be your Plan A. Break free out of this. Seeking help is one thing, actually recovering is another thing. The most likely thing is that he’ll string you along for years under the guise of “seeking help” and you’ll have wasted even more of your own life. Sorry OP. I know you’re looking for hope but I feel it would be misplaced.

Is he a functioning alcoholic and can still work, there's a danger he'll lose his job. Do all you can to leave.

OP I really hope it works out for you, but I would gently suggest to you that one conversation where he says what he knows you want to hear doesn’t necessarily signify the change you’re hoping for.
Don’t get stuck. Don’t find yourself years down the line being overly happy just because he’s managed to stay sober for an event. Don’t let your expectations of a good relationship sink down. Good luck 💐

Thank you so much for your replies and advice - it really means a lot as I feel very alone and reaching out on an anonymous forum is the best I can do at the moment. I feel thoroughly ashamed to admit I am having my own battle with sobriety which is difficult because I am not in a safe environment at the moment and need to rectify this regardless of his battle. But fuck its very hard right now.

Me and my partner were in a similar situation last Christmas. We have both given up completely. If you are an all or nothing person you have to do the same.
It's hard at first, but I promise you life is a million times better. Do it for yourself and don't be dragged down.

What do you mean about not being safe? Is there somewhere else you can go?

Oh my god, don't bother with any sentimental ideas about fighting for him. You cannot change other people and you are far too young to settle for this half life he has chosen. Just leave.

Sorry didn't mean to confuse - safe as in a clean sober house. He is never ever aggressive physically or verbally towards me (or anyone else) no matter how under the influence he is.

This. He's chosen alcohol over you.

You can stay or leave OP, I hope he gets support. I wouldn't stay if he didn't. However I disagree with a lot of pp's saying "he will never change". I'm 15 years sober. I changed. I know many people with long lengths of sobriety, so troping out that we're all hopeless cases is offensive and incorrect. Alcoholism is a disease and there are many programs out there which can help. Good luck.

Huge Congratulations on your own sobriety.

You cannot do anything to risk that right now so stepping away right now might be necessary right now. You can make long term decisions in time but your continued sobriety needs to be prioritised right now.