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Alcohol support

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The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

992 replies

REP22 · 28/08/2024 11:42

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

OP posts:
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ponzusoup · 19/11/2024 10:17

welcome @GreyhoundLurcher just one hour then one day at a time. making the decision to try and stop is the first step. be kind to yourself , have compassion for how difficult it feels and be curious about what / how you are feeling. it will pass however bad it seems. do see a gp if you feel you can't cope with withdrawals tho. food, a shower or bath, reading some sober sites - on the day i felt like you - over 6 months ago now - i looked on the AA website , read back on this thread and watched the AA videos. it all helped. stay with us. as others have said, this thread is very special and kind and will lift you up.

@REP22 aw Sid! am sure he will forgive you in the end. please tell him there's no excuse for profanity !

ponzusoup · 19/11/2024 10:20

@TiA303091 how are you doing this morning? glad you are still with us. i got hammered after 3 weeks sober before this current 7 month stretch. went to a wedding with the usual drinking crew and decided i could have a few. was plastered and didn't enjoy the last few hours of what should have been a lovely occasion. but i think i needed that last reminder that i can't moderate. i want either none of the booze or all of the booze. there is no in between for me.

REP22 · 19/11/2024 10:29

@ponzusoup - hehe, I have told him "we are not at home to Mr. Toilet-Talk". No potty-mouths here (apart from mine) 😉

Shipmates, we are sailing to a point where a new thread will soon be required. Happy to create when necessary, unless anyone else would like to take the helm for the next one? No recourse to mutiny, piracy or plank-walking will be necessary - happy to do with whatever anyone thinks best. xx

OP posts:
WendyWagon · 19/11/2024 10:32

@ponzusoup seconding the all or nothing profile.

I had thirty nine pairs of black trousers until last week! 😄

EastCoastDamsel · 19/11/2024 11:50

Just dropping in. Life very busy ATM.

Welcome @GreyhoundLurcher.

I second (and third and fourth) others, it is very much a one minute/one hour/one day at a time.

In the very early weeks I found it really helped me to plan my evening ls and have something else to do. I was a daily drinker, usually a bottle of white wine a night, for the last 18 months (and not much less than that before).

I got through the first weeks by

  1. listening to A LOT of quit lit/sober podcasts (while cooking/on walks/in the bath/when driving anywhere on my own)
  2. taking a lunchtime nap almost every day (I WFH so it it was possible). I was so very tired.
  3. planning something to do straight after work finished (which was when I would usually crack ope a bottle) - I chose to take the dogs for a walk (which was far easier in the summer months than it is now, but I also did a few sessions at the local pool, early evening films in the local cinema, theatre, etc)
  4. sugar. I had Haribo/jelly beans/licorice at hand and ate some every afternoon when my energy crashed
  5. early to bed every night. I would go up straight after dinner, have a bath and elaborate skincare regime (something I could never be bothered woth after an evenings drinking)
  6. lots of herbal teas and AF options in the house
  7. a treat every week with the wine money I saved.

I would also highly, highly recommend a tracking app (I use Reframe (paid after a free trial) and I am Sober (free but with Paid

Coming up to 6 months and though I still make a conscious decision every day that I will not drink today, it feels like a normal decision now. Part of my daily habits.

CarrotSeeds · 19/11/2024 13:46

@EastCoastDamsel Ooh yes, I forgot about the elaborate skin care routines 🤣. I have so many bottles and potions now and really look forward to my morning and evening skincare sessions! I also took an awful lot of lavender baths the first week of sobriety 🛀

ShyMaryEllen · 19/11/2024 16:49

Good afternoon, shipmates and Sid. He does look very cross upthread 😂.

Despite my good intentions, nothing much is happening here. It snowed overnight, which put paid to my ideas of going out, so I've spent the day in idleness. I'm knitting a jumper for my DIL, and will probably do another for my daughter, in case of jealousy. I have unearthed a massive bag of lovely wool, so have enough to do one for each of them, and I can always keep one for myself should the need arise. The pattern has short sleeves, as it's meant to be more of a pullover to wear over a T Shirt, but short sleeved jumpers always seem a bit pointless to me. If it's cool enough for a jumper, don't we need long sleeves? I can easily add sleeves, but am not sure - any thoughts, chums?

I had also planned to add to the charity shop bags which go out tomorrow, but can't do that and knit at the same time, however well I multi-task as a rule. I've booked another collection for December, so will work towards that, instead.

Welcome, @GreyhoundLurcher. My standard advice is to know your triggers and be as kind as you can to yourself in the early days. I drank in the evenings, and was certain that I wouldn't sleep if I didn't. To get over this, I switched to AF wine and invested in bath oils and room scents to make the bedroom pleasant, and so that I associated the smell with falling asleep (I used Aromatherapy Associates, but other brands are available). I also used hypnosis to help me sleep, and to break the link with drinking. Craig Beck's Alcohol ones are very good, but again, there are lots out there and you need to find what works for you. I listened through sleep headphones (eye masks with speakers inside) that are easily available on Amazon and elsewhere. So I would have the ritual of pouring a drink (or several) in the evening, then going for a soak when I felt tired, and falling asleep listening to the hypnosis. I had a fallback of easy watching series on TV in case I couldn't sleep. These removed the fear of lying there awake, which I had built up into something terrible. Amongst other things, I watched all of Downton Abbey and every series of Stella😀. Both are engaging enough to make me want to follow them, but easy enough to keep up with if I fell asleep and missed something.

Some swear by quit lit, but I didn't want to see references to alcohol all the time, so avoided it. As with everything, however, you need to work out what suits you and your situation.

Oh, and whatever you do, take some high dose Thiamine (Vit B1) as it helps to prevent 'wet brain' that can happen if you stop drinking suddenly. You can use a multi-vitamin or B Complex, but it's B1 you need, and to get a high enough dose it's better to take it separately. You can't overdose on it. Your wee will be an alarming shade of luminous yellow/orange, but that's because you excrete what your body can't use.

CarrotSeeds · 19/11/2024 17:00

@ShyMaryEllen can you post a picture of the jumper so we can vote on sleeves or no sleeves? 😄

WendyWagon · 19/11/2024 18:55

@ShyMaryEllen are you taking over from Rep and Sid ready for the festive challenges?

ShyMaryEllen · 19/11/2024 23:03

CarrotSeeds · 19/11/2024 17:00

@ShyMaryEllen can you post a picture of the jumper so we can vote on sleeves or no sleeves? 😄

It's this one
https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/inovec

If you click on 177 projects in the box marked 'About this Pattern' on the RHS of the page, you will see lots of examples of it knitted up in various colours, and some of them have added sleeves.

Inovec pattern by Karin Fernandes

Gorgeous and practical short sleeves pullover with a high-low hemline.

https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/inovec

ShyMaryEllen · 19/11/2024 23:06

WendyWagon · 19/11/2024 18:55

@ShyMaryEllen are you taking over from Rep and Sid ready for the festive challenges?

If @REP22 is willing to continue, it might be better, to be honest. I'm not sure how Christmas is going to go, and may not be in the best frame of mind for hosting.

Also, I'd like to see Sid in his Christmas jumper 😀. And who knows - he might send me another of his rhymes, with a festive flavour.

WendyWagon · 20/11/2024 06:17

Morning all.
Blinking water works got me up.
I have dogs breath and the tinkles due to these WL meds. I've avoided them since the ditching of the booze.
A light dusting of snow here. We are high up. The DS is home for a few days to get some rooms sorted. He likes order.
However the DH picked up a stair master last night so I think it's in the dinning room. I dare not look.

I drank Sainsbury's fresh lemonade last night as I've been advised keep away from the fizzy. It was very nice.

TiA303091 · 20/11/2024 06:26

@ponzusoup thank you for checking in on me yesterday, it was a busy day as it was my daughters birthday so didnt get chance to write. I’m okay. I just don’t know if I’m physically and mentally ready yet? I wasn’t a massive drinker but I was a binge drinker. Once I start I can’t stop. I would love to be like the rest of my friends who can enjoy a couple and then leave looking and feeling the way they came and then wake up in the morning (maybe not completely like they are on a normal morning) but able to actually function. I’ve never actually TRIED CONSCIOUSLY to moderate. Can anyone actually teach themselves to do this? Xx

WendyWagon · 20/11/2024 06:45

@TiA303091
I can moderate but it is a full time job.

Alcoholics like me (binge style) can make many deals with the demon booze. I would keep a running tab, work out my units and expect everyone to high five me. I can keep half a bottle in the fridge as my evidence and go out for just the two. But and it's a big but, as soon as something stressful pops up all bets are off. The carefully counted wine box will be ploughed through and my behaviour will change.
I nearly lost my family, DH and adult DC. I'd let them down too often. I know I lost a job I loved over a particularly drunken corporate party.
Two friends and my baby brother died due to alcoholism. Two would have said they were moderating.
Alcohol dependancy is a chemical reaction. It changes the brain. If that has already happened to you then no you can't moderate. Talk to the person closest to you. Only they will know how it effects you. We're here to help and we're all different. X

Onewildandpreciouslife · 20/11/2024 06:46

Morning all.
@TiA303091 you’re asking the wrong people 🤣 If any of us could moderate our drinking we really wouldn’t be on this thread. I have occasionally read of people who do a long stretch sober (and I’m talking upwards of 2 years) and then claim to be able to take it or leave it, but I always think “come back in 6 months and tell me you’re still moderating”.

There is a great quote from Laura McOwen which is something like; “The question is not whether things are bad enough they need to change; the question is whether things are good enough to stay the same. And underneath it all, the question “are you free?””

You’re only a couple of days out from a binge- you’re bound to still feel a bit wobbly and uncertain. Be gentle with yourself, but give yourself a chance. You will never know how much alcohol was holding you back unless you give being sober a chance.

TiA303091 · 20/11/2024 06:50

Thank you for your advice ladies. Xx

WendyWagon · 20/11/2024 07:01

@Onewildandpreciouslife love the quote.
I'm going to pinch that for my job hunting friends if that's OK. They are all fed up.

I get the two year thing (as I'm coming up to three years). Lots of people gifting booze now to the DH. Luckily red which wasn't my poison. It'll go into the stew.
When I last fell off the wagon in May I had done two years, four months sober. I made such a tit of myself I didn't need a good talking to.
I know these WL drugs are controversial but I am hearing that they really do stop the booze noise. I hope they start a clinical trial. Expensive atm.

EastCoastDamsel · 20/11/2024 07:06

Morning
@TiA303091 my personal perspective:

I did try to moderate. And I sort of managed at times in the sense that I managed to keep myself to a glass of wine with dinner only or a couple of booze free days a week.

Bit it took up SO MUCH HEADSPACE. The one glass was never really satisfying, I wanted more, I just didn't allow myself more. The 2 days felt like real sacrifice. It was blooming exhausting.

And it wouldn't be long before I was back in my old habits.

I finally realised I wanted to be free, free from the constant booze noise in my head, free from calculating my units, free always having to plan my days/weekends around alcohol, free from hangovers, free from exhaustion.

And, now, I largely am. I still do my daily work and I read this thread everyday but for the most part I don't even think about wine anymore. I have the occasional, fleeting, whisper from the old wine witch, but she is easily shut up now and I carry on.

I have wondered whether I would ever be able to have the occasional glass of fizz at a wedding etc but every time I "play the tape forward" I realise, I don't actually want to. That is wouldn't really add to my enjoyment of an occasion, that I don't ever want to get drunk again, that I am still the same, silly, loud, energetic person without the booze, but one with self respect and who wakes up in the morning with a clear head and no fear of what I might have done the night before.

Hang in there
As @Onewildandpreciouslife suggests, give sobriety a proper chance. One day at a time and see what you think after 6months.

TiA303091 · 20/11/2024 07:15

Thank you @EastCoastDamsel really appreciate your advice. Xx

EastCoastDamsel · 20/11/2024 07:53

Another thing, a couple of weeks ago I was offered a glass of wine aslt a Sunday lunch and DD piped up "Mummy isn't allowed to drink wine"

To which DH responded, "Mummy is allowed to drink as much wine as she wants, she just chooses not to"

And it was like a 💡 moment for me.

I can (and do) choose not to drink everyday. It is a choice and I a free to make it. (Whereas in the past, I wasn't l, I felt compelled to drink the wine, and couldn't imagine a life without it)

ShyMaryEllen · 20/11/2024 08:34

That’s how I look at it. I choose not to drink. I might have a toast at a wedding or even a glass of wine at a reception, but I very rarely do, as I would want more, and choosing not to have it in the first place means I don’t have to force myself to say no to another glass when my resistance is lowered, and that’s seven years in. In earlier days it was a flat ‘no’.

I don’t think I can be a ‘social drinker’ who is happy with a couple of drinks once a week or so. The switch is on or it’s off. Life is much much better when it’s off, so I don’t switch it on.

WendyWagon · 20/11/2024 08:35

@EastCoastDamsel good on your DH.

I remember last Christmas the chap who wouldn't take no for an answer. He was paying.
I challenged him to a drinking contest a la 'pressing on until dawn'. He soon scuttled off. It was funny. I think he'd heard Wendy would provide the entertainment if you got her p*ssed enough.
I suspect our old home town is very empty of gossip without us. I don't miss the nosy gits one bit. I truly shudder when I have to take the dog for a clip. I thought I had real friends there, I didn't, but my generosity did!

Onewildandpreciouslife · 20/11/2024 08:52

Oh that’s such a helpful thing of your DH to say @EastCoastDamsel ! It’s made me quite teary this morning!

REP22 · 20/11/2024 10:05

Good morning shipmates. Very bright but cold here today. Hope you're well and safe if there's snow where you are at the moment.

Thank you for your vote of confidence @ShyMaryEllen - I am happy to start a new thread when this one is full. I do hope that Sid inspires more verse; you are so talented.❤️ I have already thought about buying a suitably dignified Chrimble jumper for the cabin boy. Antlers may also be involved. Don't tell him. 😉 That's a gorgeous pattern you're knitting there. I think stick with no sleeves as in the picture; a thinner long-sleeve top could be worn beneath it. But I am no style icon. Sid has got a jumper, which my M knitted him last year. It's so cold here, I may have to dig it out.

@EastCoastDamsel - that's so lovely to hear. It makes all the difference to have a family that's supportive and "gets it".

@TiA303091 I've tried moderation many times, but I can't do it. The only way for me is to have none in the house. For me, the danger is not the 5th, 8th or 12th glass, it's the first. I wish I could moderate, but I can't. And I can't fathom how those who can moderate manage it, the notion seems impossible to me. But we are all different. Many people can moderate successfully, I'm just not one of them.

I had the water company out to my house (housing association owned) yesterday. There is a leak at the property (although no water issues to be seen or experienced, just massively higher bills). They are going to have to dig to find it. Now I am cr~pping myself because close to the pipe I have had for many years a small acer tree in a pot. It occurred to me that a root may have broken through the pot into the ground and caused the leak. And if that's the case I am probably liable. I'm very worried about what will happen if that's the case. But I shall have to wait to find out. I daresay all shall be well.

Strength and love to you. It will be alright, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. It shall pass. xx

The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024
OP posts:
CarrotSeeds · 20/11/2024 10:11

@EastCoastDamsel and others, that's how I'm looking at it, I can drink as much as I want but I choose not to drink. It is making a HUGE difference psychologically. I liken it to being on a diet where certain foods are forbidden. I find myself thinking about those foods all the time.

And honestly, even after only 6 weeks booze free I look and feel so much better. Even my kids have commented. I looked at my eyes this morning and they were quite sparkly after a good night's sleep, lots of water and no alcohol. 😂

@TiA303091 Obviously only you know how well you would be able to moderate your alcohol. I'm definitely not at that point and not sure I ever will be. I suppose I would advise you to tread carefully with that idea. We are all on this thread for a reason.

I'm just plugging away at abstaining despite a few Christmas events coming up with friends which would normally involve shed loads of booze 🙈🍸 I'm just thinking of the last hangover I had (also when socialising with the same friends) and how vile it was and how I enjoy my mornings so much more now. My late ex husband was alcoholic and looking back we definitely enabled each other. And one of my sons had alcohol and substance abuse issues for years but is now clean and sober and very happy with a gorgeous family. Loads of reasons for me NOT to drink and very few, if any, to pour that first glass of wine ........