Hello all. Hearty greetings to you. I am sorry I was absent yesterday - shockingly bad form from me. A situation has surfaced and almost all of yesterday was taken up with managing it, and much of today too. An attempt by someone to do something naughty has blown up spectacularly in their face, with massive ramifications for others on the periphery. The person responsible doesn't know that I know yet. Merde will impact heavily against ventilateur on Monday and the spray generated will be epic and potent. Sid has oiled the hinges on the nuclear bunker doors, dusted off our tinfoil helmets and prepared for incoming.
Apologies for not tagging the regulars in the new thread - I'm very glad you have found your way here.
Welcome @frankiefirstyear - I am so sorry to hear of your partner's diagnosis and how it's affecting you both. It must be devastating. The world has suddenly and violently shifted beneath your feet and it's not fair. It doesn't take much to be "medically deemed" an alcoholic - I certainly qualified as a high-functioning one myself - and it's often applicable to those you'd least suspect or even consider. As @EastCoastDamsel suggests, one associates the term with the poor s~ds lying face-down in the park flower beds at 10am clutching a bottle in a bag, not respectable, ordinary people. It's a badge no-one wants to wear. I agree with the others who have said that it's probably not helpful to frame it along the lines of "you are an alcoholic and it needs to stop". Lots of helpful resources have been mentioned. Al-Anon can be found here: Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics. Most people don't respond well to 'preaching', pleading or repetition of "the problem" - I didn't. Kindness, tolerance, patience and understanding are things that work well, coupled with a firm refusal to indulge the procurement and consumption of more alcohol. Though I appreciate that that makes it sound far simpler than the reality actually is. I'm sorry.
Might it be helpful to look at it in terms of an allergy? I am terribly allergic to nuts (somewhat ironic, as a lot of people probably consider me to be a nut of sorts myself). I would love to have pecan pie, a walnut whip or some peanut butter - but it would seriously harm, probably kill, me. It's something that he would like, but sadly cannot have. Maybe approaching it from this angle may be better for him to get his head around? But alcohol is terribly addictive, which nuts or other allergens generally are not, and it is hard to prise ourselves free from its insidious grip. I found the two books mentioned in my OP to be terribly helpful. Catherine Gray, as well as the excellent words quoted by @Onewildandpreciouslife, offers guidance in how to handle the reactions of others, and my fellow shipmates here have much in the way of experience and advice. I didn't find AA terribly helpful, though I was referred to an NHS service called Inclusion (Homepage - Inclusion), where I did SMART recovery (Self-Help Addiction Recovery | UK Smart Recovery), which suited me and was helpful.
From a practical viewpoint, a good start is to not have ANY alcohol in the house. If it's not there, you can't be tempted. I know that I cannot moderate - if it's there I can't just "have a couple". So try, if you can, to not have any in the house at all, even for cooking or guests. Distraction is also key. In the witching hours when the voice of temptation is strong, find something else to occupy and distract. A film, music, walk, game, anything. It will get easier in time, I absolutely promise. But it must seem like an almost impossible mountain to climb at the moment. Also - give yourself time and space to grieve your relationship with drinking. It is a loss, a death of sorts, to leave aside something that you associate with comfort and enjoyment. I've said it before in an earlier thread - it's a bit like the death of a beloved old aunt; she always seemed lively, fun and great to be around. Actually, when you step back and think about it after the funeral, she was only fun for about the first 20 minutes. Then her giggling and jokes became mocking and cruel, she hugged you a bit too tightly and it started to hurt, her food actually didn't taste very nice at all and it made you feel sick. Several hours in her company left you feeling exhausted, drained and headachy. In fact, looking back, she was really actually a bit of a sh~t. But you still miss her anyway. Give yourself time to mourn her loss - even look up websites on how to process grief if that might help. I did that, as mad as it sounds, and some of it did help me.
Please keep posting here if you want to @frankiefirstyear, if you want to. I am sorry if what I have written sounds unhelpful, facile or just cr*p, I realise that nothing probably helps much at the moment. We understand the despair and fear you must be feeling. Your partner is very lucky to have an understanding, supportive partner in you. Do take the time to look after yourself and your feelings, as well as the care and compassion you are devoting to him. ❤️ Keep going. It will be alright.
Hearty welcomes to @Marchpane123 and @Phoebewillow - I am so glad you've found us too. Congratulations on reaching your sober days thus far. That took real courage to break through the grim first days, don't underestimate the bravery it has taken to bring you here. I won't lie, there will probably be grim moments still to come but the benefits are so worth it if you can power through. The clear, sober mornings free of "The Fear", better skin, hair, weight, energy - all these and more are there for you if you can make it. Not having to comb through social media first thing in the morning to see what random, incoherent, occasionally insulting, embarrassing sh~te I'd posted whilst drunk the night before is a recurring key plus for me.
You are very welcome here; I hope you'll stay awhile.
Hello @CockerMum very glad to see you too. 4 years is goddess-level amazing.🏋️♀️ I certainly replaced the alcohol with sugar. Chocolate milkshake was my go-to of choice. I'm an absolute devil for Sainsburys TTD White Chocolate and Raspberry ripple milkshake. The lesser of two evils though, I think. Clare Pooley writes about it in her book. There is a lot of sugar in most alcoholic drinks; even more in the mixers, it's not surprising our bodies miss it when we give up. I hear you on the cigarettes too - I have up over 10 years ago, but the occasional lure is strong, even if never indulged. x
Congratulations @EastCoastDamsel on the 90 days! That is absolutely epic. A real achievement, and a hard-won triumph every single day. Brilliant.
Here's Sid, once again in his new party hat, to celebrate with you all and wish you courage and strength for the hours that lie ahead. If resolve, courage and dignity were Olympic sports, you'd all be top of the Paris podium. Look at his happy, laughing face. I like the idea of him as First Mate. I am going to see if I can get him a little sailors hat to wear here. He will enjoy that. 😉
I know it's not going to be easy. But to quote one of the better soundbites from the I Am Sober App:
You haven't come so far, just to only get this far.
Strength and love. Keep going - just for a little while longer. It will be alright. xx