The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

[REP22]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

I will add - my main reason for staying sober is my dog. I gave up because she deserved better than drunk me and the utterly execrable life she was enduring with me with the utmost patience and affection. In a cruel twist of fate's knife, she died from an aggressive cancer just two months after I was discharged from the NHS addiction support service.

I now have a new canine sidekick who brings joy (and occasional misadventure). In our previous thread (Previous MN Thread) he has received the honour of being nominated thread mascot, Sober-Sisters-Sid (not his real name). So now I stay sober for him (as well as all the associated benefits, health and otherwise). He has been present for two "wobbles". He endured them with patience, grace and incredibly remarkable fortitude of bladder and bowel. But the look in his big soulful eyes when I unscrewed and poured a glass of spirits, as he understood from the sound, sight and scent of the drink what I was about to do to myself (again) pierced my soul. Never again will I force him to put up with that again. So I keep going for the dog. I can't look into these eyes and betray his trust.

Keep going. Just for a little bit longer. It might not be easy - but I (and Sid) can absolutely promise you that it WILL be worth it. Honest. xx

Ahoy. Stepping on board.

Thank you @REP22 very honoured to board the new vessel.

🫡 Captain @REP22 and First Mate Sid.

Hi @REP22 - thank you for the new thread

Reporting for duty, Cap'n 😎

Thanks for stepping up, @REP22 and Sid, and welcome to shipmates old and new.

checking in to the shiny new thread. onwards! with thanks so cap'n @REP22

Unsure this is the right place for me sorry, redirection appreciated if not.

Due to the diagnosis and medicating of a condition exasperated by alcohol, my partner has been deemed a high functioning alcoholic by medical professionals.

I love him dearly. I don't want his drinking to cut short his life. I need help on how best to support him. After the initial diagnosis we discussed AA etc and he had a short period of drinking alcohol free but he never got professional support, he doesn't believe he qualifies as an alcoholic. However he still drinks and his condition is deteriorating.

Any advice welcomed.

Hello, could I join please? I have dipped my toe into a few threads on this topic in the past but have sheepishly withdrawn. Today I am 11 days without a drink, having been a bottle of wine most days before that - the longest streak in around 3 years, though I’ve been attempting to give up for around 10 years (!) I am feeling very determined but know I need some community.

@frankiefirstyear - I am really sorry to hear of your situation. It’s really tricky as I know for me if anyone told me to stop drinking or suggested I had a problem I would go into full on denial mode. Not something I have experience of but I’ve heard good things about Al anon family groups.

Welcome @Marchpane123. 11 days is a big achievement - well done! Are you feeling the benefits yet? The danger zone tends to be a bit before that, when you think ‘oh, it can’t have been too bad, as I feel fine. I’ll just have a couple. . .’ Now you’re through that, it’s onwards and upwards.

@frankiefirstyear I can’t really help either I’m afraid, but maybe don’t push for your husband to identify as an alcoholic? Not everyone does, and most doctors have stopped using the word, as it is pretty meaningless, really. I don’t doubt that he’s drinking too much, and if medics have said that his drinking is harmful it will be; but I’m rather surprised that they expressed it that way. Could that be what he’s resisting? To many people an alcoholic is someone beyond help and hope, and he might not see himself like that.

@Marchpane123 is right that he needs to want to stop and when he’s in denial he probably won’t. Does he accept that his condition is made worse by drinking? That might be a way in - it’s what stopped me. We can know we’re self-harming, but when self-esteem is low it can be hard to care enough to stop. Being confronted with what amounts to ‘drink or die’ can concentrate the mind though.

Thank you so much for the welcome @ShyMaryEllen ! I’d usually only manage a couple of days so now I’ve managed such a long streak (for me) I feel determined to keep going so I don’t waste it. Over the last few years I have felt that I ‘needed’ a drink to cope with stress and that I wouldn’t be able to cope without it. But I’ve had a stressful time over the last couple of weeks (moving house, ongoing behaviour issues with teenage son, caring for elderly mother etc etc) and I haven’t had a drink and I’ve survived (albeit being a bit grumpy). This might not be the most empathetic reason to give up but I think to myself ‘they will NOT turn me into an alcoholic’ when things get tough.

I’m sure someone has an app on which you can record the number of days without a drink. When I stopped I had a spreadsheet and coloured in a cell every day in green. I told myself I would use red if I had a drink, but I didn’t want to spoil the green and didn’t 😀. It sounds like that might work for you if you are thinking on those lines? The app is probably more accessible.

If you work out what else motivates you, you can concentrate on that, too. Health, money, relationships - all are important but we prioritise differently. Keeping track of how much you are saving, what your blood pressure or LFT results show or whatever can be very encouraging. It’s all about getting to know how your own mind works (often long buried after years of squashing it down).

Good morning all!

Welcome @Marchpane123 and massive congratulations on Day 11! 🎉

It takes about 10 days for all of the alcohol and metabolites to leave your system and you are past that! Amazing work.

Quitting drinking is tough as it requires real honestly with ourselves, a whole new way of looking at yourself and the world and facing some big emotions that we have been numbing with booze.

As @ShyMaryEllen mentioned, there are a some really great apps out there to help you track your sober days. I am Sober has a brilliant free version and Reframe is excellent especially in the first couple of months in taking you through what is happening as your body starts to heal itself from the poison. It is also great at looking at what alcohol actually does to your body.

Sober podcasts/Quitlit also really help with explaining stuff from people who know what you are going through. (@REP22 's OP has fantastic links)

@frankiefirstyear sorry you are going through this, I cannot imagine what it must like to worry about a loved one who is self-harming in the way your DH is. All I can say, is same as @Marchpane123 and @ShyMaryEllen there really wasn't anything anyone else could tell me to make me stop. I knew that my drinking had gotten to unhealthy levels and that I was essentially acting in a self-harming way but it took a event where I realised that I was acting in ways that was hurtful to my family before I actually realised I wanted to stop.

I don't like the term "Alcoholic" as I believe it is an outdated term that is actually harmful by conjuring up a picture of someone beyond redemption, the bum on the street, or the guy in hospital with end-stage liver failure rather than the truth, which is that there are plenty of normal, functioning, successful adults that drink to harmful levels.

For example, one lie I told myself for a long time, is that it can't be a problem if I am drinking "good" wine. (Hence my ENORMOUS savings since quitting),.or if I never opened a bottle before 6pm. 🙄 Ridiculous.

I know there is a thread on here for those that are affected by a family member's drinking and as others have mentioned Al-anon has good support (which you can access online too)

Welcome @Marchpane123 and well done on getting to day 11. Your story sounds very similar to mine - after years of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol (driven mainly by anxiety and social awkwardness) I had a dreadful 3 year period (cancer, dealing with an elderly mother, health issues with my DS) and my relationship with alcohol became catastrophic- worsened by lockdown and anti- depressants. Then I reached the point that I had solved all the other issues, and was just left with an alcohol problem! I’m edging close to my 2.5 year milestone, so it is possible to turn it around.

Hopefully after 11 days you’re starting to feel the benefits- it takes 10 days for cortisol levels to get back to normal after drinking- and they will keep getting better if you can stay stopped.

Good morning,
I'm up after the bed lodger (small fluffy cockapoo) camped on my feet.

Welcome @frankiefirstyear abd @Marchpane123

I love a first Yorkshire tea nearly as much as I loved my wine. However I know what's good for me.

I've never used a drinking app but I did use nutricheck in 2022. It was helpful.

@frankiefirstyear I'm not a pod cast person but I did read sober Dave. Very bloke ish. A very good chapter on children of Alcoholics.
I didn't identify as an alcoholic either. I was very angry if anyone said it. I was a big drinker, a bit of a girl, life and soul. It wasn't until I stepped in to help my brother I admitted to the word. It took me about a year.
My brother died last year. He couldn't be saved due to his alcoholism. He was only 54 and left three young girls. It was truly heartbreaking.

morning and welcome @Marchpane123 @frankiefirstyear you've made a great and brave move coming here and talking openly about struggles and damage from alcohol. it's a sneaky chemical indeed. getting support and being honest about how you feel is a hugely strengthening and motivating action, so keep posting and we are all here for you. as you can see, the ladies here have hard won experience and are very kind - we can all do harder things than we can imagine. having compassion for ourselves and loved ones whilst we build our sober time is key. i found laura mackowen very useful to listen to ( books and podcast) as well as sober powered for the science based motivation.

should say - i'm four months sober for the first time since aged 15 or 16 - two pregnancies aside. it's the best thing i ever did no question. gets easier by the day as the benefits and self esteem accumulate exponentially.

i'm 55!

@WendyWagon woman after my own heart - also head to the kettle for a yorkshire!

well done all. It is fab hearing so many inspiring stories. I am on day26 and wondered about mood. I just feel so down in the dumps and melancholy. It is
not that I am really missing alcohol; more just a bit sad.. is that my brain chemistry readjusting?

Thanks so much for the support so far. We were shocked by the force of the 'alcoholic' labelling at the hospital, his IV had something to help with withdrawal/get the alcohol out of his system, unsure which as things weren't made clear. But what was clear was that if he didn't stop drinking, his condition would worsen and increase the likelihood of almost instant death, prolonged and life altering disease/complications, and of course (which has happened) deterioration of his existing condition.

A lot of the YouTubers etc describe things that don't apply which further bolsters the argument that he's not that bad, in terms of behaviour. His drinking is destroying him from the inside out and not the other way around as many seem to experience. His mental health isn't always great, though he hasn't said it out loud I think there's an element of 'you have to die somehow, why not let it be drink'. My apologies if this is not the place for that to be voiced, but I want to be honest so I can understand how to help this situation. Though it seems there's nothing I can do, he has to conclude to stop, until then I can only watch how he proceeds and give care along the way.

Welcome @Phoebewillow and congratulations on getting to 26 days! The sadness could be due to a lot of things- it might be your brain readjusting, but also alcohol masks a lot of things. If you’ve been using it to escape your feelings, and you remove that escape, then you have to face up to the issues, and that can be hard. Equally, being alcohol free can be a bit lonely at first if all your friends are still drinking. It will get better- hang in there!

@Onewildandpreciouslife thank you

I’m so sorry you’re in this position @frankiefirstyear . It sounds as though your DH had reached the stage of being physically dependent on alcohol so just stopping alone would have been dangerous. Alcohol works in a very stealthy, progressive way- one of the classics of quit lit (the Unexpected Joy of Being Sober) says your hands don’t shake - until they do. You don’t drink in the mornings- until you do.

If DH wants to get help, there are lots of options out there apart from AA - DH’s health team should be able to signpost.

You might get better support for yourself if you started your own thread. We can tell you what worked for us, but that’s not going to help you if DH doesn’t engage. There is another thread for those dealing with people with alcohol issues- will share a link

@frankiefirstyear this is the thread for those dealing with other people with alcohol issues - I hope you and DH get the support you need. It is such an easy trap to fall into

Thread for those affected by someone else’s drinking

Thanks so much, I looked through the topic but didn't find this. Thanks again.