The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

[REP22]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

Just catching up on everything- hello to all the newbies.
I've now been AF for 3 weeks!! I honestly can't believe how changed I feel - calmer, content and genuinely happy and grateful. Work has been easier and I've been happier to be there and I'm walking, exercising and eating far far better. I've also lost 6lbs!
Hope everyone has a good week x

I loved the dreams. Make the most of them, as they don't last forever.

Sid looks splendid in his jumper.

I hope your daughter is continuing to improve, @ponzusoup , and your husband too, @WendyWagon . My sleeping is all over the place. I am away just now, and that usually means that I can relax into my insomnia, but it's not working this time.

That reminds me - I was cold the other night, and put the electric blanket on in bed. I told myself not to fall asleep before turning it off, as I know that waking up hot and sweaty negates the point of falling asleep comfortably warm. The next thing I knew, a man offered me some magic sticks that would keep the bed warm, so I took them, and found they worked, like, well . . . magic, which was excellent. Grateful, I fell asleep. A while later, I realised I was hot and bothered, and that I hadn't asked him how to disable the magic in the sticks, which continued to heat up the bed. Cursing my foolishness, I threw off the duvet, which left me freezing on my top half and hot underneath, and woke up in a bad mood with myself and the world. It took a minute to realise that I'd been dreaming and had fallen asleep with the blanket switched on full power. It took a good half hour for it to cool down, by which time I was wide awake.

shymaryellen what a lovely story!
May I also say that I loved your post about the lovely night ritual of baths and scents. I think that’s a marvelous idea, I usually scramble into bed in my clothes, I haven’t treated myself to any creams or cleansers for years ( what, a treat? For me? It’s expensive! Oh, wine? No that’s groceries, its groceries for the family so the price doesn’t count in the same way)

This thread is such a lovely read! Funny, kind, and some brilliant tips.
ive even got into bed (sober!) with a nice cuppa, and considering your wise words, I’m pondering actually buying myself a nice bath oil, face cream etc. wouldn’t that be something!
well done you inspiring bunch x

@Wantofeelgood - you made it! That first night sober is a huge win. In my early days that was always my goal for the end of the day - to be tucked up in bed sober, with a cup of tea and a book. It’s a wonderful feeling, and the next morning is even better.

Well done on your 3 weeks @AuntyPants - so glad you’re feeling the benefits already.

I managed to finish a big non- work project last night that had been taking up headspace for weeks. Such a relief

Morning all.
Up to take the DD to the bus (no point driving with these cheap buses until January).
It looks like she might have a serious health issue of a female nature. Tis worrying. More tests.

I've got a dilemma re houses but I think I am too early to be moving to support the DS. He's getting arsey now having not secured a house. Mother is getting lectured alot. I think a few years of him living in the next county might be on the cards! We'll stay local I think. I saw a nice farmhouse last year before I fell ill and it didn't sell. I might re visit without all the pressure of open days etc.

Great work @AuntyPants .

Morning. Sunny autumn day here today. I love days like this.

Feeling a little rundown at the moment so taking a few days break from running. (I wonder if it is PAWS 🤔 as I haven't really been working or exercising particularly hard or having an otherwise stressful time.)

@Wantofeelgood it's a great feeling isn't it? I love getting to bed early now.

In the first month I treated myself to something special at the end of every 7day period. I allowed myself to spend up to the equivalent of my wine "budget" for the week ( although like you wine was just groceries)

As I drank a bottle a day (and never anything less than £10/bottle) this was a fairly significant sum.

Some of the things I bought were.

Posh bath oils (Neom - lush)
Big bunches of flowers for all over the house
Face creams
Nice hand cream and cuticle oils to treat my much neglected hands
New pajamas

This really helped me celebrate my achievements.

After the initial few weeks I set my sights.on a bigger goal and promised myself that I would finally take the plunge and buy a much yearned for treadmill for winter running (something I stopped doing entirely for the last 18months of my drinking career) for 100days.

I now have a very visible (looming one could say) reminder of how far I have come and also one of my reasons (health) right in my sitting room.

Anyway, my point is, do it! Treat yourself. You are doing a hard thing and you deserve to celebrate the wins 🙂

Do the cheap bus fares end in January? That would be a shame if so. I think the £2 thing has kept some routes open round here, as fares to the city are expensive, and public transport is so much better for the environment.

Re treats - yes, there is a lot of cognitive dissonance around spending on wine and on ‘luxuries’, but I think that whatever our personal budgets there is room for something to spend on ourselves when we give up spending on booze. As some know, I gave up work when I stopped, so my income plummeted. I lived on savings and a tiny bit of consultancy work for the first couple of years. Adjustments had to be made, but it was worth it. Luckily my husband was/is supportive, and eventually I was able to claim an occupational pension early which is currently tiding me over until I get a state one. I know I was lucky to be able to do that, and am in no way boasting - my point is that even on tight budgets there is a wine-sized surplus when we stop drinking and we can use that for something to make us feel good.

I found that making the bedroom nice (after years of being somewhere I crashed when I’d dragged myself upstairs- the bed was rarely made, the curtains stayed shut etc) it was a huge ROI to give it a deep clean, get new bedding and curtains and make it smell good, so I enjoyed being in there. After the initial investment in pjs, bedding etc (oh and a tv so I didn’t mind if I couldn’t sleep straight away) it was just a case of topping up the bath oils and the ones for the warmer in the bedroom.

Since then (I’ve passed seven years sober) I have worked through the house a room at a time, and it is now somewhere I like to be, instead of somewhere to sit getting sozzled in the evenings. I have people round now and don’t feel embarrassed at how tatty everything looks (as it doesn’t). I don’t have a money tree, but it’s amazing how much cash is freed up when you stop going out every night, using ‘a bite to eat’ as an excuse to buy restaurant-price wine, and resisting the ‘bargains’ offered by wine clubs that deliver by the case.

I think that any sort of treat is worth it. Whether it’s making the house a home again, taking pride in our own appearance, pursuing a hobby or interest, travelling, cooking from scratch, sport or whatever - there is something we can do to make ourselves feel we matter, which is often forgotten when we are drinking. The guilt, shame and self-loathing can make us feel that we don’t deserve nice things, but we do, all of us.

Ahoy!

@ShyMaryEllen I don't really use the bus service. Unfortunately our local village to town service is so infrequent (3 times a day only) and doesn't tie in with the larger service from the town to the city / the train times (hourly) that it is almost completely useless.

The times are also strange. One really early in the morning, then 11am-ish and 3:30pm. It's ridiculous really.

The route is a fairly long one (we are the second closest village to town on there route) and I hardly ever see more than one or two passengers on it. It's a real shame actually as I would much prefer to get rid of my car and use public transport only.

Although having said that, I have been offered a promotion at work! It's only a small bump in salary to start with but I will go from a team of one to managing and developing a junior member of staff and it will allow the "team" to have more impact in the business. And there is a promise of additional increase in a year.

I am quite excited about it.

4 months ago I did not have the self confidence to believe I could take on more responsibility or felt that I what I did was worthwhile.

It does mean however, that I will have to go.into the office 2 days a week . I currently do 1 day a week and the commute is a l fairly long one.

Good morning.
Congratulations @EastCoastDamsel clarity of the mind brings rewards.

I'm off to see a friend this morning at home. It will include cakes, she has a sweet tooth.
I think I'm going to find a Friday night activity that I can look forward to. I still find it hard. We lived in the sticks when the DC were small and the Friday night wine was a full stop to the week. I could do with a FE class or something.

There are lots of classes on Zoom now @WendyWagon . If you look on eventbrite with a search for the subject you fancy you could well find something. I do lots of them for my pet subject, and you soon find that there is a community of sorts - the same faces appearing regularly. It started during lockdown and people realised that Zoom opens things up to those of us not near cities (or who have mobility or caring issues etc) and there is still a lot available. Obviously you lose the social aspect to some extent, but on a dark wet evening just having to go upstairs is much more appealing than having to go out.

Congratulations, @EastCoastDamsel ! That's great news. It's amazing how much more we can achieve when we are fully present. Will you be able to drive to the station and get the train? I used to enjoy my commute as it gave me time to read a book without a nagging feeling that I should be doing something else. My reading has really dropped off since I stopped.

@EastCoastDamsel that increase in confidence is SO good isn't it? I haven't had a promotion but feel so much more competent and confident in my role at work. Previously I would second guess myself, be easily intimidated and place myself in a submissive/subordinate position which diminished others opinion of me. Just recently I've found my voice, been (nicely) confident and am really feeling purposeful and relaxed. So many benefits!!

Thanks so much onewild. It’s so nice to be reminded that yes, an early night with a cuppa and a nice next day is well worth missing cravings for. You’re right by golly!
shymaryellen you wrote…
…’Since then (I’ve passed seven years sober) I have worked through the house a room at a time, and it is now somewhere I like to be, instead of somewhere to sit getting sozzled in the evenings. I have people round now and don’t feel embarrassed at how tatty everything looks (as it doesn’t). ’
this is EXACTLY how I feel about our house. ( and me) it’s AFUL. and I’m always too knackered to do any diy or call a plumber or justify buying something in case it’s a mistake and DH won’t agree, so I sit, paralyzed into indecisiveness and drinking. What happened to me?
Thanks shymaryellen and east coast for the lovely suggestions ( I haven’t bought any of those things for years. I’m down to half a lippy and an old jar of Vaseline. No longer even have eye shadow! 😳. That’s not psychologically good is it?) thanks for giving us permission to have treats. Saving up wine money sounds like a plan ( and you’re right, a considerable sum).
east coastdamsel wow! You’ve come a long way in 4 months, absolutely bloody well done 👏
thank you so much for including me on here. So nice to feel wanted!

Also thank you shymaryellen I hadn’t realised how much my life is being affected by booze. In my nice little wine/hungover haze, I’ve been blaming my DH.

wendywagon painting is fun! Painting a mandala or a pattern or even just coloured circles with bright colored watercolors is surprisingly soothing.

Love the post about treating yourself each week with the money you would have spent on alcohol! I might try this. I've been treating myself to different drinks every day, trying to find my perfect relaxing drink that isn't alcohol. I've found that cold Perrier sparkling water really hits the spot when you're craving a beer. Masala tea is pretty good in place of a mulled wine! And milkshakes for when you're just feeling indulgent. Although I'm always looking for delicious drink suggestions!

Day 43 here. I'm feeling better in general although I've continued to turn down invites from people when I know there's going to be alcohol there. I realised yesterday that I seem to have grouped my friends into two categories - 'safe' friends (those who don't drink or rarely drink or always suggest doing booze free things like coffees, outdoor activities) and 'unsafe' friends - those who like a drink and usually host boozy events. I realised that this isn't necessarily because I am worried I will cave to peer pressure and drink - although I am - but it's more because I'm worried that if I turn up sober, I will be a disappointment to them. Like, we always have such a laugh after a few drinks, and I am much more fun after a few drinks, and maybe sober me will bore them. Does anyone else feel like this?

When I stopped I decided to keep going to places I had gone before and change as little as possible. The only thing I wasn’t doing was drinking wine. If there was an AF option I would have that, otherwise I stuck to lime and soda. I found that worked for me.

In the end I lost touch with a couple of people who I now realise were more interested in going for a drink than in being with me for its own sake, but otherwise life carried on. I didn’t make a grand announcement - I said I was trying a reset after leaving work and cutting out alcohol and caffeine to help me sleep better, and people accepted that (or went along with it anyway).

To be honest, the chances are that it will be you who finds drinkers boring, not the other way round. You won’t be the one repeating herself and getting argumentative, and you will notice that in others when you are the sober one.

Over time I’ve made new friends who have only known me sober. I still have some who have been there all along but they are ‘normal’ drinkers who didn’t see it as a big deal when someone turned down alcohol. Most people do from time to time and it’s usually drinkers who see that as unusual - maybe because it shows up how much they are drinking themselves.

Hi All, I'm 4 weeks alcohol free today and really delighted to be this far. It hasn't been the easiet four weeks with a numbers of things going on at work but I'm way better going through them without alcohol. This group is a great support network for giving you strength during the tough times. I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Good morning.
Ahoy and all that.

One tea down and a shortbread biscuit.

We've loads of AF drinks in as the DSs girlfriend doesn't drink and they are here for the weekend. Marks sparkling mango and orange is in the fridge. I hadn't seen it before.
Well done on all the successes.
@Wantofeelgood @Gotthis24

I had a low impact shopping spree yesterday with seasalt trousers and a next dress in the charity shop. Both new, both my size. I could have spent a fortune. I was so chuffed I didn't have any cravings on a Friday night.

Onwards.

Well done @Gotthis24 I'm a few days behind you!

@EastCoastDamsel big congratulations!

Thanks for the welcome everyone, I am reading away, I am day 5 AF had my last drink Monday night. I am finding it OK but the past 2 nights my sleep is awful, keep waking and getting restless, any tips? Thanks.

Good finds, @WendyWagon !

@Bigmonsterlittlemonster it's really just a case of surfing the wave at this stage. It's a pain when you have to get up at a fixed time, but if you can change that it will take some of the pressure off. Either way, I swear by sleep headphones - the ones on a soft band that double as eye masks - you can listen to music, hypnosis, podcasts, audiobooks etc without having blue/bright light in the bedroom, and even if you don't get straight back to sleep you can enjoy being awake.

@ShyMaryEllen thanks I will give that a try, I am off now for the weekend, I work in an Office Mon to Fri. I was thinking of taking a couple of weeks off but not sure would that be worse, did people find it better to continue with the normal routine?

I have a few events coming up, I will probably just drive, but all my friends/family would be big drinkers. I can't actually remember the last time we did anything without alcohol, it is actually a bit sad. I am a bit nervous about these relationships going forward too.

My husband has decided to give it up too, he drank less often than me, but quite a bit more each time he drank. We have decided though that our journeys have to be separate if that makes sense. We will support each other and talk it through, but previously if we tried to stop on would say oh let's just have a drink and that would be it for both of us.

It's undeniable that boozy occasions are hard, but keep telling yourself that the only thing you are denied is alcohol. You can go, you can socialise, you can drink - just not the drinks with booze in them. It's much easier when framed like that than thinking that you can't properly join in - you can, with just one exception. You wouldn't dread going somewhere because you couldn't have a sausage roll, and this is the same logic.

Ahoy.
I had a terrible sleep again. I opened the new marks fizzy mango and orange. Very nice.
I have been plotting and planning as to whether the farm house is right for us. I'm use to more space but my DS thinks it is too big. He does butt in on these matters.

I am losing my hair which is weird as I had the chemo six months ago and they are blasting me again at the end of October. I won't pass on the cold cap this time. I wore a navy jumper and it was falling like snow. One for the consultant tomorrow.

Nothing much on except the farm shop which is near the potential house. I need greens and potatoes.
Have a peaceful day my friends.

Morning all

FIL and SMIL coming for lunch today. Meaning I have to get a shake on a clean/tidy downstairs.

Had another go and making chocs last night - more successful this time, so they will be coming out for after lunch.

Sending all a hopes for a peaceful Sunday.