The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

[REP22]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

Hey, who sent all these lice?! 🪳🪳🪳

The hell with those cravings, nasty little stinkers, glad you're going to meetings - lots of people have relapses before succeeding for good, so don't think drinking is inevitable!

I was thinking yesterday 'Oh, I've done years sober before, I don't have to do the work and keep thinking about it now...'. But I'm finding that I absolutely do! We're lucky now that there is so much sober info and support online - when I was first trying to quit, it was AA meetings with predatory chain smokers in a mouldy church hall or nothing...

A little dip into Sober Inspo every day really helps me. Including this place! 🙂

And AA meetings were about 99% male too - I understand there's a better mix and women-only meetings too now. 👩‍👩‍👧

@OpenQuoter case in point - that's a great link, thank you for posting it! I hadn't seen it before.

Hello everyone.

30 days for me today!

Last time I quit drinking I started to feel anxious and lonely, and I’m already starting to feel like that again. Alcohol has always helped me overcome anxiety and being sober 24/7 means that I don’t have that distraction. I also feel I’ve distanced myself from my friends, avoiding a couple of social gatherings I’d definitely have otherwise gone to and enjoyed as they’d 100% be very boozy! I tried to plan to join a sober activity but honestly when it came to it I couldn’t even be bothered to go because socializing with new people sober is very boring and awkward for me. Isn’t that awful to admit?

Has anyone seen that Mitchell and Webb show sketch about how everyone is the absolute best version of themselves just before the end of their second drink? And as soon as they finish that second drink, it all starts to go wrong? Well that’s how I feel about myself, although I feel like I’m good for longer than 2 drinks. But I always ruin it in some way by having one (or several!) too many. So now I think I’m having a weird period of grieving for that good part of drinking - the part where conversation flows and you’re calm and happy and confident and funny and sociable and it’s genuinely fun. And what I’m trying to focus on, but struggling, is the bad part, where you have too many and all kinds of embarrassing or risky results occur. Or the health issues that you can cause. I have real health anxiety, so thinking about how good quitting is for your health, and how your liver can repair itself so amazingly well (up to a point), is really satisfying for me. I’m trying to focus on that a bit.

But I still I keep trying to think, “Maybe I can just make it to 100 days and then I could start again but with very strict rules, like no drinking at home, no having more than 3 drinks in a row, no drinking on more than 1 night.” But I know deep down that I can’t do that! Because I did that before - quit for 100 days just to show that I could - and then started again with the ‘rules’ which quickly fell apart and I ended up going through a period where I was drinking more than ever!

So I’ve joined this thread because I need a good talking to. At the moment I feel worse than I did before I stopped drinking, in terms of happiness and mental health. I felt so sulky yesterday, spent the day all Eeyore-like, thinking how everyone else was probably having a really fun and relaxing Saturday and I could be but I’ve made this rule and now I’m all bored and lonely. Woe is me, poor me. Etc etc. BUT in a weird way I also feel a sense that I’m on the right path, this is what I should be doing, it’s going to get better, etc.

The positives: DH is working away for a while so I’m focussing on my children and keeping really busy with them. (And hiding my sulkiness from them, of course!). That’s made it easier to stop. I am so tired when they’re in bed that I don’t really miss having a glass of wine because I’m too tired and know it would probably send me straight to sleep! Another big bonus is that I’ve finally started to be able to focus on a TV show/movie in the evening when the kids are in bed. I’d got so used to having a (few) drink(s) and watching a movie or a few episodes while everyone was in bed as my only chance to get some alone time. So when I quit drinking, I found for a while that I couldn’t even focus on, or be bothered to watch anything. But recently that’s stopped, and now I can curl up and watch a movie when everyone’s in bed without a drink and it’s just as relaxing.

Why aren’t I feeling amazing?! I always slept well, so that’s not changed. I guess it’s too early to notice a difference in weight (although I think my face looks a bit less bloated which is a plus). I need this thread to give me someone to be accountable to and to tell me to stop being a big baby.

Nice to meet you all!

Hi everyone, I'm still here and have just entered day 12...
I'm bloody chuffed to bits. I've been out to dinner and had friends round and this weekend dropped DS2 back at uni (😭) so there's been some serious temptation, but apart from a couple of very brief wistful 'a beer would be nice' moments I've really enjoyed not drinking! I've been to a comedy club and laughed my socks off, went to a games bar and had a very intense game of Jenga with DH and have generally felt very content and warm and glowy - more so than I remember for a very long time (although a bit sad this morning having arrived home without DS who is 200 miles away again).
So onwards and upwards - I'm appreciating and noticing the smallest, loveliest things 🥰

Oh @Katielovesteatime...
Hi! And I'm sorry to post such a pink and fluffy post without acknowledging yours. There's loads of support and advice here - I really hope it helps you xxx

Good morning all.
Tis raining here.
The DH is signed off for another week and both he and the dog were hogging the bed.
I came down for Yorkshire tea.

@Katielovesteatime welcome. I have re watched loads of films because I had fallen asleep pissed in the old days and missed the endings.
Life can be lonely even with a good family structure. Can you volunteer somewhere? I loved my charity job, I made lots of new friends.

@AuntyPants well done. The weekend sounded great. My DD is commuting this year to university so I still have the food and washing nonsense.
To be fair both my DC are helpful since I became ill.
Madam has worked out her bus days and will only drive on one short day. The bus is cheaper anyway and we expect her to pay her own travel. She'll hoard the difference.
I suspect she has been hiding from the boozing at uni but she doesn't drink at all and hates others getting drunk.

I did get my winter hanging baskets done and hope to do the pots today.
Have a good one all.

Welcome @Katielovesteatime and well done on your 30 days!

Everything you are feeling at the moment is completely normal and expected for where you’re at - I don’t know if telling you that is helpful or irritating!

It’s understandable to grieve the “nice” drinks, and the version of you that had “just the right amount” of alcohol. It’s like a bad break up - even the worst boyfriend had times that he was lovely, but overall it just wasn’t enough.

How long did you do sober the last time you tried? The magic numbers (usually- everyone is different) are around day 66 - which is roughly how long it takes to change a habit - and day 100. By day 100 the chemistry of the brain has started to change: over time, drinking raises our baseline anxiety and lowers our baseline happiness. After 100 days, that baseline shifts so we start to feel less anxious, and much happier.

When I stopped drinking, I did dry January, and decided to see what happened when I drank, and the inevitable happened! But what I realised was that the times I drank was when I was bored, or angry, or tired. So I did Sober Spring, which is 3 months, and then just kept going!

@AuntyPants - you sound like you had a wonderful evening. Enjoy your hangover free Sunday!

Hello @Katielovesteatime,I’m also on 30 days sober, welcome. I understand being wistful of the times that were actually fun and didn’t result in embarrassment or injury and I try to remember that one or two drinks is never enough for me. I like the bad boyfriend analogy, as those fun nights quickly became the exception. Waking up with memory loss, fear and hangover was more common.

@AuntyPants your weekend sounds fabulous and fun and you sound happy. I love a comedy club, never been to one sober! Hearing everyone’s positive AF experiences is inspiring.

@Onewildandpreciouslife the brain chemistry information is really interesting, thank you for sharing, it’s good encouragement to stay the course.

Happy hangover free Sunday everybody xx

Checking in on the new thread! I’m still here and now I regret not noting down the day I stopped drinking.

@dylexicdementor11 good morning.
Would an advanced search on mumsnet help?
I'm sure you came on the thread quite early.

Morning all!

DH is home from being away for a week and I am being very lazy today. (Still in bed! 😱)

Welcome @Katielovesteatime . Well done on day 30.

As @Onewildandpreciouslife said, what you are feeling is completely normal. I certainly felt more short tempered, irritable and zero improvement on my anxiety at that stage and was wondering if all this calmness everyone was talking about was just nonsense. But it does come, slowly and almost imperceptibly.

I am now 16 week AF and I have noticed that I just take things in my stride a little easier. Issues that would cause me great stress, I just deal with now. Naturally.

And I have started being able to do social things without being bothered about the booze (pub quiz, village race day etc). I am also more comfortable identifying as a non-drinker in public. It depends on how I feel but if someone asks, I usually say anything from "I am not 🍻 ng tonight" , "I am the DD", "I don't drink" etc..i usually get very few comeback questions and if I do, I just say, "it helps me sleep better".

I like you would love to be a "normal" drinker, but I know I am not. And that one/two glass(es) would never be enough for me.

Honestly, I find knowing that I won't have a single drink much less stressful than when I was trying to moderate.

I would highly recommend The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley. It really spoke to me and made me feel less alone.

I also highly recommend doing The Work . It really does work (😆) and makes the journey easier and more than just about avoiding booze.

Sounds like you had a lovely evening @AuntyPants . Love good comedy, but find I have far less patience for bad comedy now that I don't drink.

Nice to see you @dylexicdementor11 .
Have a lovely Sunday all.

Feeling bright and positive today despite the weather.

PS Health Anxiety is really really common among us "thirsty drinkers"

I (and many on the thread) have it too. I have definitely noticed an improvement on that in the last few weeks.

Oh that’s a very good idea! Thanks!

Thank you for the replies! It’s actually extremely comforting to know that how I’m feeling is normal for this stage of quitting. I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was a ‘me’ problem - like I’d got so used to drinking that maybe I’d be unable to feel calm and safe and sociable and happy without alcohol.

It’s comforting to know, too, that health anxiety is common too. Health anxiety is my biggest problem, it really ruins entire months-long periods of my life, so it’s comforting to know that quitting alcohol could help with that, too.

I also like the ‘bad boyfriend’ analogy. That’s such a helpful way to look at it! Just going to hang on in there and wait for my feelings to improve about it. And try to make some sober friends! Feeling much more positive after reading your replies and much less lonely and Eeyore-ish. Thank you everyone!

Good morning ship mates.
Buckets of rain here at Wendy Towers.

I did sort some books but my front pots remain undone.
The DS is home and the DD is catching a bus today to uni. The car we share is due for a service and she won't drive it until it's been done. Fussy madam. Suits me tbh.

@ponzusoup how is your DD?, how are you?
Morning Captain @REP22 and first mate Sid.

Very funny thread on snobby things people do. Just light hearted. I've laughed out load on a few.

Morning all. V wet here too.

Very grateful to DH who has taken the dogs out this morning so that I don't have too. Good to have him back.

Not a huge amount to report otherwise. Busy week with an internal work conference, with lots of outdoors "team building" exercises scheduled but the weather forecast looks horrid. Not keen to swing off trees in the pouring rain tbh.

My treadmill arrived on Friday and perfect timing for it in the end, though I will have to run outside this week despite the rain as am staying closer to the conference venue.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Good morning all, hope you've had a good weekend. Very rainy here. Sid doesn't like rain, especially the very wet rain. He was most disgusted at being forced between house and car this morning.

Having a grim time at the moment, work is madness. But hanging on there. Hearty welcome to @Katielovesteatime - glad you have found us. Welcome back @dylexicdementor11.

Love and strength to you all. xx

Afternoon all.

Still trundling along here. I'm on day 144, and keeping up with my swimming and Fast 800. It was the local agricultural show here yesterday which was great fun. I wasn't even remotely tempted by the beer tent whereas a year ago I would have been looking forward to getting down to the local pub at the end of the day and sinking quite a lot of white wine.

@Katielovesteatime - hang on in there. Reading your posts it reminded me of how TIRED I was for the early weeks. And it went on and on. To the extent that I took afternoon naps. This has really eased for me and I feel vastly better. I found @Onewildandpreciouslife 's post about brain chemistry really interesting. It reflects my experience. Once I was past about 100 days it just became much more peaceful. You are doing the hard bit now... don't give up.

Have a great week all.

Had my first nearly slip up tonight...
Have family here and it was always going to be a bit of a challenge as they're VERY drinky and completely lovely. Somehow harder to say no in that company!
Anyway, stood at the bar with them before dinner (I'm aware that I seem to have been doing a lot of this since I've been on this thread - it's not normally like this! I just seem to have chosen a particularly social time to stop drinking...which has made it hard but also has got a lot of 'firsts' over early on) and just had the overwhelming urge to say fuck it and order a pint of Peroni and go all in on the evening. Fortunately I whispered this to DH, who squeezed my hand, said "no don't" and ordered me a Beck's Blue. I'm now tucked up in bed, having had a lovely time and feeling very pleased and also very fortunate to have such a kind and supportive husband.
Day 13 tomorrow 😁

Well done! The more of this you do the easier it will get, I promise.

Morning all.

Just up for the drive to uni. The bus was successful yesterday. Today is one lecture and out so I am supporting.
I should have signed up myself!

@AuntyPants how lovely of your husband to support you.
Mine use to hide incase I went on a bender.
Tbh I never really drank much around him. It was the boozy girlfriends or the occasional dinner party back in the old days.

More rain here.

Ah well done @AuntyPants (and to your DH for being so supportive).

I don’t like these darker mornings. Got a marathon in 4 weeks, so in peak mileage now (at the same time as trying to manage minor leg niggles). Have been listening to Brad Stulbergs Masters of Change on some of my runs - his book Practice of Groundedness is also very good. I was a “drink to escape” person, so I find insights on sitting (or running!) with discomfort very helpful

Morning all.

Well done @AuntyPants ! Rsh that sense of accomplishment!

@WendyWagon I would love to go back to uni, all that immersion in intellectual pursuits with very little else to worry about.

@Onewildandpreciouslife are you running York? Good luck with the final push, the last few weeks of marathon training can be such a slog. I have never run an Autumn marathon, always Spring, which means that the weather is generally improving in the big weeks. Have registered for a waiting list place for Rotterdam Marathon next year so 🤞🏻 I get in. It's an easy European marathon for me to get to as can just hop on the ferry from Hull. And is in the school holidays so we can make a bit of a holiday of it.

My new treadmill arrived last week and I am so pleased. Just in time for horrible wind and rain . Though it is a weird experience running indoors.

Onwards and upwards ladies.

Have a great day 🙂

I think I fancy a treadmill.
No space at the moment but when the DS moves in the spring I'll order one. I will just stagger but the other tower residents might use it a bit more.