On day 11. Proud of myself because I have been drinking too much for a really long time.
This year things have kind of gotten out of control. While I managed to have a few (really, only a few, and not every week) sober days during the week, when I did drink I would do so to excess. I've hidden it from my friends and family, mainly, often my partner.
I would often get to the pub first to get a drink (or two) in before meeting a friend. I'd be desperate to leave plans to get to the corner shop on the way home before 11pm to get another bottle of wine - partly because my friends don't drink as quickly as I do so I'd get frustrated with not having 'enough', partly because I prefer drinking alone. Sometimes my evening plans would end at a sensible time and rather than go home I'd go to the pub, alone, and then leave almost at closing again to run to the corner shop. One night my partner went out as I drank so much so quickly after he left I was sick. I have hid hangovers.
I would bury bottles at the bottom of the recycling. I have taken bottles to the bottle bank rather than put them in the recycling. My dream night is being alone either at home with my partner not coming home or ideally staying away where no one knows me to drink as much as I want in secret. Work has suffered. Day's go by when I look like I'm doing ok but I'm really not. I feel physically awful. I have definitely lied to my partner - appointments running late, plans running late (I'm in the pub). I've bar hopped, drinking alone.
I've struggled this last 11 days. I've had the devil on my shoulder saying - 'just drink at the weekend, it wasn't that bad!' or 'Just don't drink at home!' Or 'what does it matter anyway.'
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It finally has got to the point over the last few weeks I've been concerned about myself. Tempted to have a drink in the morning because I feel so bad. Googling alcoholics anonymous when I crawl into bed drunk. Putting myself in danger.
I am feeling very very down today. I've had some bad personal stuff to make decisions about and I just can't. Maybe that's why I'm drinking. I'm hoping being sober gives me clarity. Maybe I should go to AA?
I'm worried I'll crack and go straight back to it. And quit again. And start again. And then something awful will happen.
I haven't told anyone this. I've told one friend I'm drinking too much, but that's it. So I want to cut down. Even not drinking now feels like a secret. It feels a bit better 'confessing' and writing it down.