I think I might be an alcoholic and I'm worried

[drinktilisink]

On day 11. Proud of myself because I have been drinking too much for a really long time.

This year things have kind of gotten out of control. While I managed to have a few (really, only a few, and not every week) sober days during the week, when I did drink I would do so to excess. I've hidden it from my friends and family, mainly, often my partner.

I would often get to the pub first to get a drink (or two) in before meeting a friend. I'd be desperate to leave plans to get to the corner shop on the way home before 11pm to get another bottle of wine - partly because my friends don't drink as quickly as I do so I'd get frustrated with not having 'enough', partly because I prefer drinking alone. Sometimes my evening plans would end at a sensible time and rather than go home I'd go to the pub, alone, and then leave almost at closing again to run to the corner shop. One night my partner went out as I drank so much so quickly after he left I was sick. I have hid hangovers.

I would bury bottles at the bottom of the recycling. I have taken bottles to the bottle bank rather than put them in the recycling. My dream night is being alone either at home with my partner not coming home or ideally staying away where no one knows me to drink as much as I want in secret. Work has suffered. Day's go by when I look like I'm doing ok but I'm really not. I feel physically awful. I have definitely lied to my partner - appointments running late, plans running late (I'm in the pub). I've bar hopped, drinking alone.

I've struggled this last 11 days. I've had the devil on my shoulder saying - 'just drink at the weekend, it wasn't that bad!' or 'Just don't drink at home!' Or 'what does it matter anyway.'

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It finally has got to the point over the last few weeks I've been concerned about myself. Tempted to have a drink in the morning because I feel so bad. Googling alcoholics anonymous when I crawl into bed drunk. Putting myself in danger.

I am feeling very very down today. I've had some bad personal stuff to make decisions about and I just can't. Maybe that's why I'm drinking. I'm hoping being sober gives me clarity. Maybe I should go to AA?
I'm worried I'll crack and go straight back to it. And quit again. And start again. And then something awful will happen.

I haven't told anyone this. I've told one friend I'm drinking too much, but that's it. So I want to cut down. Even not drinking now feels like a secret. It feels a bit better 'confessing' and writing it down.

Thank you.

Two weeks sober today. Have been exercising and generally eating well apart from yesterday when I wanted to eat everything!!

Haven't managed to get to AA yet but will do at some point.

It’s so good reading this - huge well done for reaching two week point. Keep going one day at a time

Congratulations on taking your life back. I’m seven and a half years sober. I quit when I was 33. Sounds young I guess, but I was rock bottom. My drinking became 24/7 as I was too terrified to stop then. Keep it going a day at a time. Once you make it to AA you will hear that phrase a lot!

That is brilliant, well done @drinktilisink

Hello. You are not alone and there are threads here helping persons in your position. Have a look at the thread On A Mission To Moderate or Absolutely Abstaining? Join us for encouragement, support and non - judgemental chat CONTINUED....

Well my day started off well and then mid morning I started to get this panicky feeling, feeling anxious about everything. I saw there was a lunchtime AA meeting down the road so just went. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I went it and just cried for an hour, thankfully not before a few kind people said hello. I left without talking to anyone. Felt very daft. Actually recognised someone from a hobby. Don't know them well at all. Don't know if they recognised me. Felt awkward. I think what I needed today was something like a counselling session. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone so obviously upset. I hope I didn't make anyone feel awkward.

Thank you, will jump on.

Well done on getting to this point - that takes real courage. It's not easy, admitting that there's an issue and then having the strength to do something about it. I've been through it myself.

I found The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober really helpful. Also The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley, that really helped me. There's quite a good podcast available too called One for the Road by SoberDave, among others.

As well as the excellent MN thread mentioned above, there's also this one: Page 22 | The continuing support thread for living alcohol-free. Everyone welcome. | Mumsnet. A particular link shared on that one (to Clare Pooley's blog) has been reposted a few times and I've found it helpful, so I'll repost it here: http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-obstacle-course.html

I tried AA, they were friendly and helpful, but weren't really for me. I did do SMART recovery sessions which were very good. I took the dog with me to them.

I did it for the dog, really. She kept me going long after I had given up on myself. I don't think I'd be alive if it wasn't for her.

Keep going. It won't always be easy but it WILL always be worth it.

And never underestimate the bravery it took to admit that you had an issue and face up to dealing with it.

Very best wishes to you. x

Aw, OP!! Well done for getting to a meeting and if you feel you can, do go again. I've been in AA for nearly 16 years and I've cried in meetings more times than I could count. Nobody is remotely surprised or embarrassed, everyone wants to support you, all the women there would be happy to give you their numbers and to make contact. Ok, I can't assume, I know that but it's how our meetings work. I've made the strongest friendships in the rooms, people where there's no competitive element and no hidden agenda because we've all been in the same dark places and don't want to go back there.

I was once drinking 24/7, four bottles of wine a day, hallucinations and seizures if I stopped too quickly. Partly meetings help me remember what it was like and what life is like now. We say that the newcomer is the most important person in the meeting - please DM me if I can help in an anonymous way at all.

Hi @drinktilisink you are doing amazing ! I was about to say if you want to hop on to the thread linked above we are all super friendly non judgemental and just free for you to talk it out , write it down anything you want anytime there's always someone and also very useful tips! Clare Pooley book really helped me too , I must re read it again! You have done amazing without anything for two weeks. I went to AA for a few months some years ago but it wasnt for me, different groups were different too though. I hope you didn't feel bad, I also walked out after crying after my first meeting before I spoke to anyone so it's not unusual!

@whatwhatinthebutt how are you? I'm not sure about the SS side of things if you see your GP but I hope someone will come along and have some advice or experience?

@REP22 @HuntingoftheSnark @Determineddoris thank you you're all very kind.

I had some bad news mid June and between then and end July I was basically drunk almost every day, not really feeling anything. I guess the drink was burying it? I'm feeling all the feelings now, although they aren't making much sense.

I will go over to the other thread! Thanks again

Hello and well done. I will answer some of your questions on the other thread but I cried all the way through my first AA meeting.

Bless your heart. Things probably won't make sense for a while. But they will, and it will be alright. I too drank to mask pain and trauma. But drink is only ever a crutch, and not a cure. Keep going. It will be OK. AA and SMART are helpful places and you're not alone in this. xx

@drinktilisink firstly, well done for recognising you were drinking too much and secondly, well done for 14 days af ( is that correct?).
Join us on that thread and we'll help you. You're not alone - I post daily on it and I know you'll get the support you need. We're all at different stages, but it's not a problem - we're all learning from each other.
AA wasn't for me - a lovely, welcoming group but not for me. Annie Grace 30 day af experiment was great. I've tried alsorts really - Club Soda, Soberistas, hypnotherapy, mumsnet !

I'm miles better than I was, but I still struggle.

@drinktilisink hope you are doing ok! You are definitely in the right place we will all help you. @Amdone123 is talking about the moderation or abstaining thread we post nearly daily on as well as the one you have joined which is the freedom thread. I'll link our thread here too just so you have all the support you can get .

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4824824-on-a-mission-to-moderate-or-absolutely-abstaining-join-us-for-encouragement-support-and-non-judgemental-chat-continued?page=16&reply=128456982

I don't know if anyone will see this but I wanted to pop back to say I'm still here a year later and I haven't had a single alcoholic drink since.

I've posted on Mumsnet since this thread just under different usernames. I got lots of support and am very grateful.

I didn't go back to AA but I still might. I still haven't told many people about how bad things were but maybe I will one day. I did however confide in two great great friends who I will be celebrating my year sobriety with. And my wider friends group has been supportive too when I've said I'm laying off the booze. No one has been negative and if anything inquisitive - I can see their brains ticking over as they're worrying about their own alcohol consumption...

The things that helped in the early days were:

• eating what I wanted
• checking in with a great friend every day
• trying AA
• trying all of the non alcoholic drinks
• exercising and walking
• avoiding bars and the pub
• embracing coffee!
• driving everywhere
• consciously thinking of alcohol as a poison
• thinking of alcohol as a Bad Drug and when I thought about drinking I said to myself, 'Would I think it's a good idea to just have a small hit of heroin tonight?'
• thinking 'you'll be pleased in the morning you didn't drink tonight'
• thinking 'if you say no to a drink tonight it doesn't mean you can't say yes tomorrow' (staying off the booze 'today' as opposed to 'forever' is much easier mentally)
• concentrate social plans on activities
• Tiktok sober videos (recently deleted the app but it helped for a whole!)
• posting here

Shortly after this thread I made multiple huge life changing decisions and everything is so different 12 months on. And better in many ways. But it's been challenging.

I think if I hadn't have quit when I did I might be dead now.

If I can do a year sober so can you. Thank you nest of vipers for being there for me when I needed it xx

That's fantastic! I hadn't noticed the thread was a year old and was so happy to see your update. You've done amazingly well - congratulations!

Congratulations!! Amazing!

I didn't see this thread until now, but wow! You have done amazingly and shpuld be very proud of yourself! I guess it will carry on being a challenge, as the tempation us always available, but you have proved to yourself that you have the willpower to do this. I'm sure many people don't make it this far!

Amazing! It's a proper game changer isn't it. Well done 👏 you should be very proud.

Amazing! You are an incredible woman! Thank you for sharing.

Well done for doing so well and acknowledging the patterns of behaviour. My brother was in AA and I it saved him from himself. I would go along sometimes as I just really enjoyed being in that space.

One day at a time, just choosing to do the next right thing.

@drinktilisink I came on here to ask if you were me then realised the thread started a year ago.

I was doing the same as you... especially the secret drinking and getting empty bottles out the house.

My husband thought I was just really tired and falling asleep!

But then the fights started....I'm an annoying person when I'm drunk.

3 weeks ago had a big argument about me just going to sleep so agreed to 2 drinks a week but then last week we were away and on my birthday had quite a lot and was ok but the next night had too much and another bickering session so have stopped all together. 6 days free so far and fine.

Still getting urges but didn't hit the bottle when husband put this morning.

I'm reading "this naked mind"

Fingers crossed I am you in a year.