I think I might be an alcoholic and I'm worried

[drinktilisink]

On day 11. Proud of myself because I have been drinking too much for a really long time.

This year things have kind of gotten out of control. While I managed to have a few (really, only a few, and not every week) sober days during the week, when I did drink I would do so to excess. I've hidden it from my friends and family, mainly, often my partner.

I would often get to the pub first to get a drink (or two) in before meeting a friend. I'd be desperate to leave plans to get to the corner shop on the way home before 11pm to get another bottle of wine - partly because my friends don't drink as quickly as I do so I'd get frustrated with not having 'enough', partly because I prefer drinking alone. Sometimes my evening plans would end at a sensible time and rather than go home I'd go to the pub, alone, and then leave almost at closing again to run to the corner shop. One night my partner went out as I drank so much so quickly after he left I was sick. I have hid hangovers.

I would bury bottles at the bottom of the recycling. I have taken bottles to the bottle bank rather than put them in the recycling. My dream night is being alone either at home with my partner not coming home or ideally staying away where no one knows me to drink as much as I want in secret. Work has suffered. Day's go by when I look like I'm doing ok but I'm really not. I feel physically awful. I have definitely lied to my partner - appointments running late, plans running late (I'm in the pub). I've bar hopped, drinking alone.

I've struggled this last 11 days. I've had the devil on my shoulder saying - 'just drink at the weekend, it wasn't that bad!' or 'Just don't drink at home!' Or 'what does it matter anyway.'

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It finally has got to the point over the last few weeks I've been concerned about myself. Tempted to have a drink in the morning because I feel so bad. Googling alcoholics anonymous when I crawl into bed drunk. Putting myself in danger.

I am feeling very very down today. I've had some bad personal stuff to make decisions about and I just can't. Maybe that's why I'm drinking. I'm hoping being sober gives me clarity. Maybe I should go to AA?
I'm worried I'll crack and go straight back to it. And quit again. And start again. And then something awful will happen.

I haven't told anyone this. I've told one friend I'm drinking too much, but that's it. So I want to cut down. Even not drinking now feels like a secret. It feels a bit better 'confessing' and writing it down.

This guy has lots of motivating videos, stretching back several years:

Op that's brilliant. Well done!

I have struggled with alcohol but it's not drinking every day, rather it's binge drinking 1-2 a week. Recently went on holiday and drunk some alcohol every day and I feel very much like that 2 weeks has changed something in that I'm consciously thinking of booze more and it's worrying me a little. I know I have ADHD ( undiagnosed) and I'm bipolar and an ex drug addict a survivor of my parents. Some days I think bloody hell, look how far you have come and other days I feel despair. It's such a complex thing.

You must be very proud of yourself!

@drinktilisink Well done - what an amazing achievement !
You must be so proud of how far you have come in the last 12 months

What an achievement OP you should be so proud!

Congratulations on your fantastic achievement OP. You are a Rock Star ⭐. Wishing you all the best for a long and happy future ❤️

Well done OP, inspirational. I def need to look at my drinking.

Get medical advice first, don't just stop full stop, get advice from your GP. Stay strong, tell your partner so they can be supportive to you.

Well done. Very inspiring

@Irridescantshimmmer - this is an old thread. If you read the new update, the OP has now not drunk for a year!

@drinktilisink Hello again! What a wonderful update; thank you so much for posting it. I'm absolutely cheering for you.

It can't have been easy for you - at times it must have seemed unbearable. But how strong and brave you are. I'm in awe of your courage. Thank you for sharing your experiences and tips. I'm glad you've been able to confide in a couple of friends and that they've got your back.

You don't have to go to AA if you don't want to - it wasn't for me either - and you don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices. But you know that already.

It's wonderful to hear how far you have come and that a bright future lies ahead for you. I'm genuinely so pleased for you.

I hope that many happy times lie ahead for you. The world is a better place because you are alive in it and even more so because it's the lovely, smart, vibrant, sober you. xx ❤

🫡 Well done op. For holding yourself to account, and having the strength to stop and to remain alcohol free. A year is amazing.

Bloody hell OP, well done!! You are a legend!

Thank you for all of the kind messages. Am feeling proud of myself but it's still day by day...

Wishing you very good luck. Well done on your six days. Those early days are tough but you can do it.

It really is complex and difficult.

Interesting you say you think you have ADHD. I wonder if I was self medicating to a degree. It's common I think. A lot of my personality and character traits feel a lot more stark a year on sober. Having got a year under my belt and having learned a lot about myself I'm going to seek a psychiatrist referral. I know I don't feel the same way about things others do about some things now.

This is just the best update! I remember this post and much of it resonated with me. I am so glad to see a really positive follow up!

Love this and massive well done OP! I'm on day 4.. And relate to your secret alcoholic ways massively. Also going through big life changes and determined to use it as a way to sort myself out. Thank you for sharing/updating as it inspires too! You should be so proud of yourself x

Well done! I’m 16 months sober myself now and it’s amazing what a difference it has made to my life. If you had told me that giving up alcohol would have brought so much good stuff into my life, I would have thought you were crazy. I’m very grateful. So glad to hear you’re doing so well, OP!

I’ve joined the forum as I really need help to control/stop how much I drink. I’ve been a drinker since my teens with a period of about 7 years when my ex wouldn’t let me drink and then whilst I was pg. I’ve had depression since my late teens too and often self medicate for the pain and to ‘make me feel better’.

Lately it’s completely got out of hand. My husband is also a heavy drinker so we enable each other with me blaming him for helping me to drink so much.

I did contact our local recovery service but it didn’t start well. My support person called me when I was in Asda and when I asked her to call me back another time she was a bit off with me. Then she proceeded to tell me that she expected full abstinence for 12 weeks and nothing less before she hung up. She also had a really strong accent which I found very difficult to understand. She never did call back and I phoned the service back and withdrew.

Anyway, I now realise the buck has to
stop with me.

Any recommendations for online help, podcasts etc etc to help me break this never ending cycle would be amazing.

Thank you

I’m with you in all that you state .. I’m sitting here with a hangover, recycling bin is the loudest in the street on bin day
im exhausted from drinking

@Flibberteegibbet - check out 'Getting Sober... Again' - see the link in my post above. Also 'This Naked Mind' and William Porter/'Alcohol Explained'.

You will find it infinitely easier if you can persuade your husband not to keep alcohol in the house.

Get help for your depression. A low dose of an antidepressant may be all you need to get on top of things.

Exercising can also help tremendously, as well as eating a healthy diet - vegetables, salads, lean protein and healthy fats.

This is an amazing list of strategies - I'm sure it'll be useful for many!

How fabulous, huge congratulations, a great update

Thank you for these tips. I’ve subscribed to the guy on YouTube and will check out the other things too.

It’s so difficult isn’t it. Good luck, I wish you well