I think I might be an alcoholic and I'm worried

[drinktilisink]

On day 11. Proud of myself because I have been drinking too much for a really long time.

This year things have kind of gotten out of control. While I managed to have a few (really, only a few, and not every week) sober days during the week, when I did drink I would do so to excess. I've hidden it from my friends and family, mainly, often my partner.

I would often get to the pub first to get a drink (or two) in before meeting a friend. I'd be desperate to leave plans to get to the corner shop on the way home before 11pm to get another bottle of wine - partly because my friends don't drink as quickly as I do so I'd get frustrated with not having 'enough', partly because I prefer drinking alone. Sometimes my evening plans would end at a sensible time and rather than go home I'd go to the pub, alone, and then leave almost at closing again to run to the corner shop. One night my partner went out as I drank so much so quickly after he left I was sick. I have hid hangovers.

I would bury bottles at the bottom of the recycling. I have taken bottles to the bottle bank rather than put them in the recycling. My dream night is being alone either at home with my partner not coming home or ideally staying away where no one knows me to drink as much as I want in secret. Work has suffered. Day's go by when I look like I'm doing ok but I'm really not. I feel physically awful. I have definitely lied to my partner - appointments running late, plans running late (I'm in the pub). I've bar hopped, drinking alone.

I've struggled this last 11 days. I've had the devil on my shoulder saying - 'just drink at the weekend, it wasn't that bad!' or 'Just don't drink at home!' Or 'what does it matter anyway.'

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It finally has got to the point over the last few weeks I've been concerned about myself. Tempted to have a drink in the morning because I feel so bad. Googling alcoholics anonymous when I crawl into bed drunk. Putting myself in danger.

I am feeling very very down today. I've had some bad personal stuff to make decisions about and I just can't. Maybe that's why I'm drinking. I'm hoping being sober gives me clarity. Maybe I should go to AA?
I'm worried I'll crack and go straight back to it. And quit again. And start again. And then something awful will happen.

I haven't told anyone this. I've told one friend I'm drinking too much, but that's it. So I want to cut down. Even not drinking now feels like a secret. It feels a bit better 'confessing' and writing it down.

Well done for acknowledging that you are drinking too much, and recognising that you need to change this.

I have a family member who is a 'secret' alcoholic, although we all know, and, now in her 60's, it's had a massive impact on her life and relationships.

Fortunately for you, you can see that your situation needs to change, and you can do it. I would urge that you seek support by contacting AA and being truly honest, as they will be able to help you crack this, and I'm sure you'll be much happier once out the other side.

See your gp. You might need help coming off the alcohol. A friend's husband had tranquillisers to stop him from having seizures. It's a risk just stopping. Good luck, I think you're very brave

Too add, my family member could hold down a job and function (although not fully), however it hit a point where she couldn't. If only she'd taken some control like you are, I think she'd be so much happier and healthier now.

You’ve been honest in your post about how things have been so you’re taking steps to getting things out in the open. And 11 days sober… well done. Please start with AA as you’ll need supportXxx

Agree with going to your GP. They will have seen and heard far worse, and they can signpost help available, AA is one but there are others, and depending on your situation there can be different types of support.

You're really brave to take this first step, having lived with addiction in my family, I've seen the massive damage it's done to people and those that care for them - but also total turnarounds, it's absolutely possible and you can do it.

Have a look at the quit lit— Annie grace etc. It can help. There's loads of podcasts too.

Thank you for your kind replies.

I'm reading The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. Stuff in there rings so true - the buying wine on the way home, getting to the pub first, preferring drinking alone. But has also made me think - woah, she was more than a decade younger than me when she quit.

I suppose it's normal to want to stop and also not want to stop? The thought of never drinking again terrified me. I like drinking, I love it. I've never done drugs. But I like getting drunk.

I had some shakes to begin with after being obliterated for a solid month. But think I'm ok physically now.

I want to try AA but not tell my partner. Can I take the dog and pretend I'm on a long dog walk?!

Well done. I really liked The Alcohol Experiment. Your life WILL be so much better, you just need to hold firm. And look after yourself in other ways, or even treat yourself. Eg ice cream or sweets, or whatever treat you might like, instead of the booze, while you’re in this transition transitionary period.

I'm in AA - but if you knew me you'd think I go to a lot of book clubs 😀.

Re dog - depends on the meeting. Some will, some won't. Take your chances I say.

Well done for realising what's happening. And yes, go to AA and disguise it by joining a 'book club'. Good for you, well done!

Well done on admitting you have a problem. As some have said taking your dog may not be possible at many meetings of AA.
But you can still attend AA meetings on Zoom a hangover excuse the pun from Covid. Not as good in my opion as face to face meeting but may help. I believe they are still listed on the AA website where to find
Not sure why you don't want to tell your partner most outsiders notice we have a big problem with alcohol before we do

Yes sounds normal to want to stop but not want to. I felt the same with smoking as I really enjoyed it but could see what a hold it had over me. It is so freeing to eventually stop, but I think to encourage success, take as much support as you can.

I think there's reasons I don't want to tell my partner. First, I still want to drink and if I tell him and crack, then I've failed. But thinking about it he is the least judgmental person I know. So maybe he wouldn't.

And also maybe he knows already but I don't think he would want to say anything. He has his own demons and I wonder if doing so would make his up for discussion, which he definitely wouldn't want.

(he doesn't have an alcohol problem to be clear. Other things)

Good for you, OP. Some of the most interesting and together people I know attend AA.

And each group has its own personality, so if you don't like the first one you go to, try another.

Also vitamin B is highly recommended for helping you recover and heal from alcohol

10yrs clear of alcohol and opiate pain meds. Not proud but not ashamed.

You say you want to stop, get help and do AA. But also that you don't want to tell your partner as you want to still drink.

There's a lot to unpic. I'd start with your gp.

AA is good for some, I still do a mix of AA and NA, finding a group that you like can be hit or miss.

Alcoholism is a disease, and a very sneaky one. It tells you you don't have it, and things like not telling your partner because you want to drink with them.. That's the disease talking.

You need to grasp how serious this is and how bad it could get.

Getting clean changed my life. My 3 lovely kids would be in care if I hadn't got clean before I was widowed.

Well done OP for realising you have a problem and for getting to 11 days sober. You've made a fantastic start.

I think telling your partner is a good idea. Won't he notice anyway when you're not drinking? Hopefully he will be supportive and that will help you.

I could have written this post 3 years ago. You have been wise to recognise your problem and getting to 11 days is a massive achievement. Quit lit and sober podcasts helped me so much in the early days. I also wrote notes in my phone of all the hopeless, embarrassing things I did drunk (things I would NEVER do sober) and read this every morning to remind myself why I had to stop. Whenever I felt the urge (which was every minute of every day at first), I put the earbuds in and went for a walk listening to sober podcasts. It took months for me to feel happy after quitting but seeing your skin/weight/sleep/health improve immeasurably became a reason to stay stopped. I was 51 when I quit after at least a decade of heavy home drinking so it is definitely never too late.
Your partner will know. Maybe not quite the extent. If he’s worth it, confide in him and embrace his support.
Good Luck.

Your drinking sounds very much like mine was 4 months ago. I am now 122 days sober and it's so incredibly free-ing. Like you I read the unexpected joy of being sober and felt guilty that I waited until my mid 40's to do this, but that's irrelevant. You've decided to stop now, that's the most important thing in your life right now. I told my partner and my children, I joined AA and tried a few online groups. I had incredible support from some women there and I don't think I could have done this without them. I love never having a hangover, never feeling sluggish and low, I love that I sleep so much better. I still have some anxiety but nowhere near to the levels I had when I was drinking. I love never having to negotiate with myself if I'll drink tonight, how much, and then wake in the night not remembering going to bed and frantically checking my phone to see if I've made any embarrassing Facebook posts or drunk phone calls. Life is so much more peaceful now.

Better evening tonight. Friends round. Got beer in for the bloke and prosecco for the woman (not gender stereotyping, it's what they drink). Woman turns up with a bottle of alcohol free nosecco - says she's also laying off the booze! I made us AF spritzes, made dinner, watched a film, great snacks. Didn't miss alcohol.

Going to sleep far too late considering I'm up early tomorrow for a country walk. Lots to do during the day then a show with another friend in the evening. Something I'd usually drink at, and before and after. Might drive.

Going to try AA one night in the week after work.

Also finished The Unexpected Joy today. Trying to think of booze as heroin. Might try Quit Like A Woman next

I'd suggest 3 things that may be helpful:

Have a few online 'sobriety coaches' on tap for when you feel weak and vulnerable. There are lots on YouTube - try Quit Alcohol Coach, This Naked Mind, Alcohol Explained/William Porter

Eat a healthy diet. No crap/UPF/sugar/stodgy carbs allowed. Chances are you'll crave alcohol less.

Exercise. Every single day. Surprisingly effective!

I’m in slightly similar situation thought probably not drinking as much. I really feel for you. I have joined a gym so that I can refocus. I have addictive personality traits so need to try and get addicted to something healthy for a change. Good luck op.

It’s early days. Be kind to yourself. I did similar to all the things you posted and it’s painful to remember and that I pretended it was normal. But, it’s because of addiction. You can’t change it. But you can learn from it and make sure it stays in the past x

And I haven’t been to AA, but it sounds like you are quite a social person and the connection may help x