The Freedom Thread (continued) - A thread for people wanting to enjoy an alcohol free life. Everyone welcome!

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

This is a thread for people who want to live an alcohol free life! These threads were started about three years ago by @DryBird2020 and they have been a continued source of support for people at all stages of sobriety. Whether you are one day, one month or one year sober - You are welcome! The only thing we ask if that you have committed to stopping drinking when you join the thread (as talk to drinking or moderation may be triggering to some of our posters).

My name is @Bunnies and I am almost 1000 days sober, in no small part thanks to this amazing supportive community. I hope to see many new and old posters on this thread!

Happy sober 2023 all!

You can cross over from problematic to chronic in a moment. You can cross over from controlled to hopeless in a heartbeat.

Ain't that the truth @Crunchymum

crunchymum I am so sorry. That is so hard and the pain must be immeasurable for gis family. Addiction really is a terrible thing and as we know so easy to fall into. It's that boiling a frog analogy isn't it? How we go from drinking a bit to having to have it every day to that "doen and out drunk" as you described.

I was at a party at the weekend. It was fab and was full of really interesting people, some I knew some I didn't. It had the propensity to get quite messy, lots of drinking and larer I knew there was various drugs coming out. Not for me anymore, any of it. There was someone there in the group, a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. A "proper" alcoholic. Vodka for breakfast, 3 bottles a day on a bad day. And the ones who were still caning it were so impressed by him, they have supported him in his sobriety, which of course is great. But there is definitely a few thoughts around that I wasnt like that so I didn't need to stop altogether. He had to stop. I was choosing not to drink but it was probably too far.

It's weird, i feel like saying, i could easily be that. I am stopping before I get to that stage. And my "stage" was bad enough. For me.

@Kindtomyself - yip, I am getting the policing from my son and to a lesser extent my daughter. He is a kind sweet lad and I am ashamed of the things I have done when coming off a binge - he locks his bedroom door and there I am pounding on it, shouting and literally begging for booze. He literally locks me in the house which I hate but I've brought so much shit to their door, I need to suck it up for the timebeing. I can't even go for milk as my son will worry that I am buying more booze so it's easier just to accept it than worry him even more. DH is away so my son has picked up the mantle of making me not drink anymore - it's shameful that he has to do that. DH refuses to do it as he doesn't want to police me so I will be able to go out for a walk and to the shops when he gets back later today.

My daughter was so kind to me yesterday and she helped me get my hidden stash from the bush outside and I poured it down the sink. But I knew I had more in the house but couldn't find it. I found it by chance this morning and I poured it down the sink too - I need to make it work this time round. Hiding bottles of vodka in bushes - it's just awful. I'm feeling a bit better now and am back at work tomorrow - this is when I am glad I now wear glasses as they hide my swollen eyes to an extent. My cats are being really affectionate and following me around everywhere - I think they can sense when I am upset 😻

Sorry to read that so many are going through awful times or supporting those who are. Keep posting if it helps and just do the best you can in the circumstances. Being sober is not an instant answer to everything but it means you can look at the potential solutions or pathways to a solution with a clear head.

@WendyWagon you still manage to reach out and write such articulate posts here regardless of what’s going on for you. Such admiration for your tenacity and as someone (bunnies?) said you sound like a real force of human nature. Thank you for your frankness and the clarity you bring - I particularly liked your comment about the Vauxhall! 😂
take care everyone

Breathmiller It's weird what you say about "your stage". I think we all reach a certain stage and decide this is enough. That stage will be different for everyone.

I used to justify to myself that things weren't that bad and I had some control over my drinking. I had no control.

I had certain rules and behaviours around drinking (I never day time drank, I never drank any hard spirits, I never drank before all the chores were done, I didn't drink everyday some weeks I did but most weeks I didn't , I did DJ every year - there were loads more) but the fact was drinking was always on my mind. If I wasn't drinking it was because I had made a bargain with myself that I would soon be drinking - be it in 2 days or 4 weeks or whatever. If I was drinking I was placated and pacified for a little bit, but it never lasted. I drank to remember, I drank to forget. I drank in happiness, I drank in sadness.

I still cannot bring myself to utter the word Alcoholic in relation to myself. I am happy enough to tell people I had issues with drink / a drink problem / the potential to be be totally dependant but I have never referred to myself an an alcoholic. The harsh truth is just because I never went that far down the path doesn't mean I wasn't as addicted, I was just lucky I got at at the stage I did.

@2023forme wow, well done. Big steps.
I used to stash my grog in my old sports car (not on the road). Nobody knew.

@AlloftheTime there is a pissed character in the Fast Show (The seventh Duke of something). He is the type who would pop up and say 'me, the 7th Duke of blahdy blah in a Vauxhall Meriva?). I loved Jed too in his designer outfit of the day.

@Crunchymum I couldn't say I was an alcoholic until seven months af. Like Breathmiller says you may not be that' bad'. Your life, your labels.

This is my year of pulling no punches. When I get the puppy eyes I shall remind 'the booze pusher' I will need at least two bottles to join them!! That sees them off, tight gits.

Welcome @2023forme You’ve taken the first step. A big one! One day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. Don’t think too far ahead. If you’ve been drinking heavily you may need to speak to your GP to ensure it’s safe, unless you have already?

Welcome to @MissingMoominMamma that’s exactly how I felt when I quit first time round in ‘21. I really dwelt on how much I’d be missing out. But in reality you can still put the world to rights over a hot choc or AF peroni. It’ll probably make more sense. You’ll be amazed at how many places serve AF wines, beers and mocktails now. Even overseas & Even at airports! Not drinking at home was never a big deal but going out was hard, at first. You’ll be best off planning what you’ll drink and what you’ll say.

where we each draw the line of ‘enough is enough’ is interesting. There’s such a strong believe that we need to be a rock bottom ‘down and out alcoholic’ to cease drinking. I used to think the same yet No one thinks that about smoking. No one thinks you only have to stop once you’ve lung cancer, or emphysema. Same with other drugs. It’s bizarre isn’t it?

Just posting to say I’ve read. Nothing to add that these amazing ladies haven’t already said. But keep going, we are here. We have survived this bit. It’s shit but it does get better. So so much better

Day 2 done and dusted. I’m in bed already as literally didn’t sleep a wink last night so I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. I’ll probably be up again at midnight but after years of insomnia, I’m used to it. Feeling okay but still looking rough - hopefully I’ll be even better tomorrow before I go to work (night shift). Hope everyone is having a good day and keep AF 🤞❤️

Thank you for the welcomes. I’m kind of lying low and taking inspiration from all your comments for now. I might get a bit braver when I’ve a few more weeks under my belt.

Just checking in. Inspired by all the positivity but also sorry to hear some people are having such a tough time.. thinking of u all. I've been reading the unexpected joy of being sober which is very helpful. But I'm a bit worried that it's only day 8.. also I keep thinking 'maybe I'm not that bad' and 'maybe I can drink in moderation' even though it's been over 30 years of binge drinking scenarios (with 2 years Af). And while I cut back a lot in recent years, I really notice it creeping back up rapidly.. so while I think it's 'ok'ish if I can moderate a bit, the direction of travel is not good! I don't know why really. And memory issues / loss of is scary... the focus on the positive side of not drinking here is very helpful. I just need to be a little more focused on positive side of not drinking.. one day at a time.. sending encouragement to all! And kudos to the inspiration ladies that have managed to shift to an Af lifestyle over a long period of time.

That’s exactly how I sometimes feel and why I stopped being AF and gave moderation a go but like you, it creeps up & up, quite rapidly. Plus the memory stuff is scary. You also said ‘I just need to be a little more focused on the positive side of not drinking’… yes true, but if we flip that, what’s the positive side of drinking?

Just checking in .... day 10 here and blown away by my energy levels and also improvements in skin. But I wake up every night really thirsty and drink about half a big bottle of water ... in the evening I am drinking herbal tea so surprised that I am so thirsty. Any ideas? Wishing you all a terrific Tuesday

Good morning lads.
All well here.
I didn't even look at the af options in Waitrose yesterday. I know they are rubbish so I didn't bother. I had a glass of milk. Funny fact I have also got cheese in the fridge (unheard of last year) but the Wotsits were anilatated on Saturday (smaller bags, less taste)
Off to the new house tomorrow to measure up for my kitchen. I am a cook so I am fussy. Although it's a modern house it is built in a traditional style so I need something shakerish. I know I will get asked if I want a wine fridge, ah no! 😂

Enjoy choosing a kitchen @WendyWagon Although beautiful Stay clear of ‘Tom Howley’ since they were bought out by Neville Johnson their customer service is woeful.

@StayingVigilant oh thank you for that. They keep ringing me.
We are near to all the original bespoke companies (Mark Wilkinson, Smallbone etc) There are lots of small cabinet makers. I shall get quotes. My all time favourite was the 'cooks kitchen'. I could get a secondhand one as it is not a massive space, straight walls etc. The green bunny in me fancies that. More to spend on curtains!

Morning all.
Im so excited on your behalf about the new house @WendyWagon !

Waving at @MissingMoominMamma @FridayImInLove1 @StayingVigilant and@halfthesun and everyone else in the early days. It’s around day 10 that the magic starts to happen- your cortisol levels are back to a normal level, so your anxiety levels are likely to be much lower, and your body is starting to feel the benefits of not drinking. Your mind may have other ideas though! Some people talk about the “wine witch” telling you these things: I find it more helpful to think of it as my inner toddler, stamping her feet and shouting “but I LIKE wine!”, to which my response is a weary “yes darling, but wine doesn’t like you”.

Try to resist those voices! Annie Grace ’s Naked Mind and Claire Pooley’s Sober Diaries are both good on why we self-sabotage. Hang in there

“yes darling, but wine doesn’t like you”. Love this @Onewildandpreciouslife Annie Grace also has an online ‘Alcohol Experiment’ that’s free and blooming brilliant. That and this thread helped me stop in 2020/21 for just over a year. Then DD1’s MH improved, I got complacent and thought I could moderate. But it creeps up. I’m finding this time much easier.

I started a little later so this is my day 8.
I have been managing fine with apps/ early bed/reading posts on here, and was just thinking that I could be a weekend drinker after DJ, just a couple of glasses~even though I have tried to moderate a million times before~but then yesterday something minor upset me
I didn't drink but I ate and ate and ate.
Considering I am trying to lose weight and have currently lost 2 stone just by choosing what to eat and when it made zero sense.
I wasn't enjoying the food and I ate it in ridiculous proportions.
I wasn't hungry.
It was a timely reminder that I lose control too easily and definitely wouldn't have stopped after a glass of wine.
Onwards and upwards

Good grief
Apologies I meant to post the above in the Dry January thread!
I am hoping to "graduate" to this thread ( and learn how to strike through text but that's another challenge)
I hope it's still relevant

@Sunshineesther welcome! Your post made perfect sense to me, and well done on your 8 days! If you read back through these threads (not saying you have to😂) you’ll see quite a few of us have (/had) food issues alongside alcohol issues. There could be many reasons for this, such as issues with impulsivity and control (that’s me), but also using food/alcohol to mask feelings (unfortunately that’s also me😂).

Anyway when I first quit drinking I gave myself free reign on all other fronts as it was so important for me to quit booze and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself. As I became more confident about ny sobriety I’ve started tackling some of my other issues with some success. Learning to sit with my feelings and not mask them with alcohol/food/drugs eta has been a huge part of that.

regardless of what you ate last night I actually think last night was successful because you didn’t drink👍 So well done!

@Sunshineesther your post makes perfect sense to me too and fits well in this thread as the idea of being able to moderate raises its ugly head every now and then. When I went AF the first time I gave my self free rein on foods and did go a little mad thus gaining 2 stones. Then after a year of AF I decided I could moderate - I then focused on losing the pounds but didn’t really. So I was eating and drinking. 🙄 So this time I’m doing both but because it’s my second time going AF it’s not nearly as hard. I’ve lost a stone since mid October by low carbing and since December going AF. But it’s about priorities and for me being AF still comes first. But don’t be hard on yourself. Nail the AF then look at foods. And your MH!!

Morning all. I've missed a couple of days due to back to work/school chaos and wow!! I've been reading through the posts and been blown away by the honesty, support and connection that flows from this forum.. I love you guys!

@Breathmiller thank you for asking the anniversary questions to Sav and @WendyWagon thank you for answering them with such raw honesty and insight. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it makes me feel safe in this space that nothing is off limits or judged. We all have our back story and many of us have done things we deeply regret but with each new day that dawns there is hope and there is a future.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies @Crunchymum @Newmum738 I'm in danger of muddling posts here, but I'm sorry you are going through tough times and relate to the comments about your life, your labels. I was never a daytime drinker till I was and never someone who'd end up blue lighted to A&E till I was... twice...

Newbies.. @2023forme @MissingMoominMamma @SunsetGoGo @halfthesun @FridayImInLove1 (and all the others that I've missed and apologise for missing!) It takes a maximum of 10 days for all physical traces of alcohol to leave the system. That's physical dependency done. After that you are into psychological dependency and that's why its critical to do the mind work if you don't want to white knuckle your way forward. That means quit lit / blogs and podcasts in the first instance but in the second instance its about really understanding the reasons for your drinking and beginning to unpack and process all the emotions and feelings that have been drowned/pickled in alcohol for however long. We all start at a different stage and all find different type of support helpful. For some its therapy and for others its medication, for some its family/friends, for others its the support of those who have already trodden the path (AA, smart, mumsnet!) No one else can 'make' you do it though. You have to do it for you. That means focusing on what you want and letting go of deprivation. When you say I need to... that comes from a place of pressure and fear. When you say I want to... that comes from a place of positivity and growth. I'd like to think that one of the gifts the long timers on this board give is a glimpse that living AF is not about missing out but more about jumping in. Keep telling yourself you deserve better!

(whew... that got a bit like a lecture at the end.. apologies!) 🤗

Such an insightful post @Stircrazyschoolmum and well done on the weight loss @StayingVigilant!

@WendyWagon have fun choosing a new kitchen, it’s probably the only part of redecorating I enjoy😀 (possibly with rose tintend spectacles…)

@Stircrazyschoolmum - thanks for a great post. I am really digging deep to get to an understanding of why I feel the need to drink myself to oblivion. Not just drunk, to almost unconsciousness.

My daughter said something which really struck a chord - she says I am a person who really thinks I don’t deserve anything good/special and I will deliberate over treating myself to a £10 t shirt even though we’ve no money problems- she said when she brings me a costa coffee, I act like I’ve won the lottery.

so I’ve been research self-destruction as a behaviour and a lot of what I’m reading does relate very closely to me - neglectful/abusive childhood, feelings of low self worth, feeling not good enough despite having had a very successful career etc. I think I got a buzz out of the sneaking around, getting alcohol into the house without anyone knowing etc. I didn’t want to drink in front of people but there was a kick to “fooling them”. I grew up with an alcoholic mother so I think I think of drinking as “bad” on a deeper level so I want to do it in secret. But I also love the feeling of being numb/uncaring about anything.

Its given me real food for thought and I’m going to find out about strategies to deal with it.