The Freedom Thread (continued) - A thread for people wanting to enjoy an alcohol free life. Everyone welcome!

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

This is a thread for people who want to live an alcohol free life! These threads were started about three years ago by @DryBird2020 and they have been a continued source of support for people at all stages of sobriety. Whether you are one day, one month or one year sober - You are welcome! The only thing we ask if that you have committed to stopping drinking when you join the thread (as talk to drinking or moderation may be triggering to some of our posters).

My name is @Bunnies and I am almost 1000 days sober, in no small part thanks to this amazing supportive community. I hope to see many new and old posters on this thread!

Happy sober 2023 all!

Welcome @SunsetGoGo - lots of us here have used alcohol as coping mechanism. Society tells us it’s the normal thing to do - so many TV programs have the heroine opening the fridge as the first thing she does when she gets home!

My advice would be don’t think too far ahead - just decide (when you’re ready to) “I am not going to drink today”. And think of a toolbox of alternative coping strategies that can help you get there. Good luck. And post as much as you want to!

@SunsetGoGo welcome. I have another name too. I try to avoid Wendy on political threads as people search you and then call you names. Hence the ditching of my previous handle of Sav. Dependant drinking is still seen as something a naice middle class mumsnetter wouldn't suffer from! I think it is even worse than saying you're fat (and believe me that is a stone thrower) Total cobblers of course.

@Breathmiller hum. I had thought I would write one of my monologues today but I did that yesterday on LinkedIn to help a friend. Bloody exhausted from the 6k response! I think I have missed my vocation as a SM star. Tik Tok here I come!
In answer to your question it is the clarity of thought that has proved most valuable. I make decisions after a good night's sleep. I never had that for twenty years. I have also been able to watch films to the end, been nicer to my family and saved money. Pissed fleebay shopping was a frequent financial drain.
I am confident I can work without relying on alcohol to help me detress. I refuse to work with anymore d*ckheads. My new house we can afford without a big bucks salary and that is the freedom. We lost our home in the crash and I never want that again. It was the start of my alcoholism (prior to this I was a binge drinker). We had a terrible time with nightmare landlords. I was totally abused. I drank to escape the sadness and pressure. My children deserved better. I deserved better.
This year will be my 'building better health'. I have slow weightloss now due to the steroids but I am hitting the swimming pool this month and will never subscribe to 70 hour working weeks again. Its madness for any of us male or female. Life is too short.

And I agree, kindest thread I have ever been on.

Hello everybody:)
I've been lurking on the thread so just said, I'd bite the bullet and join it. I'm AF only eight days but feeling so positive. I only ever drank Friday and Saturday night but it was really starting to affect my mental health. Every Fri, I would live for the after work trip to the supermarket to buy my bottle of wine. I would be so excited 🙄 and then Saturday night this would continue, and then Sunday I would be all sad that the weekend was over. But really, it would be because, I knew I couldn't drink until the following weekend. Holidays, weekends away, again all revolved around drink. It is ridiculous.

I am not even bothering with Dry January as I feel that will just trigger me. I just decided New Year's Eve that I was going to start and I haven't touched a drop since. Before, I'd always be thinking... but we have a wedding next month.. we have a holiday in a few weeks etc. And that would stop me even considering stopping. Now, I'm just taking it day by day but I feel this is it. I'm ready to go AF permanently.

This thread is so motivating. Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday 🥰

Thanks @Wendy, that’s some solid inspiration for me!
@sunsetgogo I think we could all have written a version of your post. I’m about 9 weeks AF and I was terrified of stopping. I knew I had to though, and I’m so encouraged by the changes I see in my approach to life now. My stress level has dropped. I have 3 kids, each with their own issues and though parenting is still hard going sometimes, my ability to cope has improved. I went to a party last night and for the first time ever didn’t even think about having a drink. I had a good time and was able to drive home and then have a good nights sleep.

I have a dr appointment tomorrow; I made the decision to stop drinking in the drs office 2 months ago. My Dr really encouraged my to join AA and to start therapy. I know I need therapy to really work through many issues but I also feel like I need to take my time. Has anyone else taken this approach? Or am I self sabotaging by not following this advice? The biggest problem is finding time for both. Interested to hear any perspectives?

@Shanster i had six months therapy from month two. Mine was mainly about the awful bullying I suffered as a child. I stopped in the autumn as I was paying to discuss houses! Plenty of girlfriends for that.
I was never allowed any help with my mental health issues as a teenager so I set myself up as a champion drinker. I then stopped for years because I drove 200 miles a day as a Sales Manager in my earlier career. But boy could I sink a free bar at sales conferences. The difference was everyone else did too (1990s), mainly men even in beauty.

Having children really shocked me, I wasn't prepared and resented it tbh (first time for that confession). I had a big job and handed the baby over to my parents. We carried on okay until we lost our second son. I think that was the point booze became my sticking plaster. My third pregnancy wasn't easier and I was scared she would die. I didn't drink during pregnancy or post partum. My mother then died suddenly (hidden cancer). I drank for England and didn't stop for 17 years. Tbh I wanted oblivion. Jobs came and went and then we lost our home. At that point I was very ill. I had no help from anyone. Their answer to my misery? Have a drink. My lovely local doctor even denied I had a problem (he liked a drink himself, bless him).
In 2021 I disgraced myself at an industry do. I still shudder at my antics but I was ill. The company I was working with had a heavy drinking culture (a bar in the tearoom!). I got made redundant but tbh I could have easily been sacked at a later date because I couldn't hold my drink and often made a fool of myself.
The shame I felt compelled me to think about giving up. I was also huge. My medication and high living had turned me into someone I didn't recognise. Bloated, angry, argumentative and wanting to be left alone. Some of you will remember my bff said you need to address your drinking before you have WLS or it won't work. I came on this thread three days sober.
Many people have helped me so I will name check a few of the old crowd :
@BunniesBunniesBunnies @Breathmiller
@champoopapi
@adm1010
@hangingover
@Drybird2020
@AlloftheTime
I am sorry if I have left anyone out. My phone is knackered and I can't spilt messages.
I am so grateful and proud of what I have achieved. I have a funeral this coming week and it will be like PS I love You . I am the driver so all good on the free grog.
I have a marvellous hat to wear and that will give me confidence not the contents of a bottle.
Thank you all my friends. You have been truly marvellous.

wendywagon 💛💛💛

Thank you. What an inspiring story. Wishing you a wonderful 2nd year of being dry. It never gets old for me. We're all still here supporting each other whatever day, week, year we are on. And I love that.

Welcome new folks.

@WendyWagon thanks for sharing your story. It reminds me that I was having a tough time at one point and saw a nurse about something else but was having a melt down that day because I had to interview for my own job as part of a restructure at work. As a solution, the nurse said 'just have a bottle of vodka'. I nearly reported her for that.

@WendyWagon you have been through so much. I have obviously never met you in real life but you always strike me as a “force”, one of these amazing powerful women with an awesome presence who just “makes shit happen”. One year sober is such an amazing achievement and I think your best years truly lie ahead of you, you will achieve so much more, in your new job and beyond. Your presence on this thread has been amazing, we all face challenges and mess up sometimes but you always have a kind word for each and everyone of us. And often you make us all laugh😀 I hope you found a quiet moment to reflect today on the amazing, strong person you are❤️

Day no. Not sure but definitely well over a year now! I'm having a shit time at home because my step-brothers and sisters are unhappy about our Dad's Will. The stupid thing about it is that none of us get anything anyway! Still, I have not had a drink throughout and feeling very proud about that 🙌🏻

Just realised I said “amazing” about five million times but I think in this case it is warranted, because @WendyWagon is pretty bloody amazing😀😀😀

Sorry it’s shit @Newmum738 but well done for hanging in there!

Please can I join?

Welcome @MissingMoominMamma

Hi all - another newbie. I’m a really terrible binge drinker and have massively fucked up - again. I’ve tried “drinking normally” and it just led to another 4 day bender. My husband and kids (young adults) are raging with me. I was supposed to be taking Antabuse but I was just pretending so that I could drink “in secret” - which is pathetic as I end up so wasted there is nothing secret about it.

so here I am sitting in bed with terrible anxiety and unable to sleep and it’s all self inflicted. I’ve got a great life - well apart from the drinking - but DH and I have had some of our best times just sitting with a bottle of wine and putting the world to rights. Got a couple of flights coming up too and I’m gutted that I can’t have a drink at the airport etc - and also an all inclusive holiday to cope with.

I’m finding the thought of never drinking again so depressing even though I know I’m potentially going to lose my relationships with husband and kids. But I must stop completely. It’s so selfish and unfair on them and I feel great when I don’t drink - it’s madness.

Good morning everyone. I'm still in there! First sober weekend since I'm not sure when. It has been ok but I am still daunted by the thought of keeping it up. This thread helps me so much already. You are so generous in sharing your experiences. Thank you.

Hello @MissingMoominMamma and @2023forme. Stick in there.

Huge congrats @WendyWagon and @BunniesBunniesBunnies on your big milestones, and a massive well done on the new job too Wendywagon

Welcome @2023forme and @MissingMoominMamma@MissingMoominMamma. Being here is a good start. The thing 2023f mentioned about not being able to share a bottle of wine and put the world to rights with DH....I hated the thought of missing that. And missing the just-arrived-on-holiday-time-for-a-cold-beer-in-the-sunshine. And the Christmas eve wrapping the last gifts when the kids are in bed glass of champagne. We all want to keep the 'good ones' and not the several-too-many-already ones. And for that reason I think many of us try to moderate first.

But moderation is so exhausting. All those deals with yourself that you break. Honestly it is freeing not to have to do that.

You just have to continue to make time to sit down and spend quality time with the significant people in your life, whether that's your partner or best friend, and relax and chat and give each other your full attention, without a bottle of wine between you. These are people you love and who love you - do you really need alcohol to be able to talk? Of course not. But there's an adjustment to get the 'signal' that this is your time. We do that with eg Af beer or Af gin and tonic or something but I know Af stuff doesn't work for everyone.

Morning all!
Congratulations @MerylSqueak ! That first sober weekend is a big step. Don’t forget that this time last week, going to the supermarket on a Friday and not buying wine seemed impossible.

Welcome @MissingMoominMamma and @2023forme .
I know the thought of “forever” seems daunting, but we can only live our lives one day at a time. Each “first” is hard, but there will always be support on here from people who’ve done it before you. You have so much to gain from being sober.

@Newmum738 sorry things are still shit.

Thanks for the lovely welcomes. It’s true that we think of all the good drinks and elevate those into something magical but conveniently put the dreadful times to the side. I’m still lying here awake with my heart pounding in my chest -DH is away - but I’m trying to comfort myself that every minute/hour that passes (and a minute seems like an hour!) is an hour closer to feeling better.

The irony is my mother was an alcoholic and I swore I’d never put my kids through what I went though - and here I am doing just that. I hate myself for it but the compulsion to drink myself unconscious just is so strong when it comes. I’ve managed 7 weeks sober towards the end of last year so it’s not a physical addiction - it’s psychological - just the feeling of being numb when I don’t really have a good reason, if that makes sense? No money worries, good relationship (apart from the drinking), two healthy DC, nice house etc. I semi retired from my very full on stressful job last year so I’m now only working 2 days a week - dont particularly like it but the money is good and I can’t afford to not work at all. And it’s only 2 days.

I’m so scared of losing everything but even that doesn’t stop me as “this time will be different and I’ll be like a normal person”. Which doesn’t work. Ugg…. I hate alcohol so much!!

Morning all.
Thanks for the lovely message @BunniesBunniesBunnies I had a little tear.
Welcome newbies.

@2023forme
Your posts are interesting as I can relate to the vast majority of your situation.
I felt very similar to you last year. My mother wasn't a drinker, in fact she hated it. But she was bi polar and it made for a difficult childhood. A bit like the Jeckal and Hide personality of an alcoholic.
I too have adult children that hated my drinking to the extent my son had started to try to control me. He took drink away, argued with me and even cried. I thought he was being a little shit. He left home two years ago when we moved to a temporary flat. Bliss I thought but my daughter took up the reins of 'booze police'. She doesn't drink so was happy to chuck it down the skink. I'd smack my lips for the half bottle in the fridge but it had been disposed of. She pulls no punches so I was frequently called an alkie. Where was the DH in all this? Hiding. We have been married for 34 years and I definitely wear the trousers. Shamefully I had contemplated leaving him so I could party more with my divorced drinker friends (funny how I haven't seen two of their arses for dust since I gave up the grog!).
Like you life wasn't too bad, money, professional job, holidays to look forward to. But drink is a nasty poisonous thief. We try to make deals, moderation after the holiday, post the wedding blah blah. I am sorry to say if you can't control it, it controls you. The nicest thing my son has ever said to me was he was proud of me. A big speach from the little boy I let down so badly. You are obviously intelligent 2023forme. Make an informed decision. Read the quit lit. Do the podcasts. You won't regret it. Every sober day is such much better. In the words of the famous French beauty company, 'you're worth it'.

Bloody typos 😀

Morning all.

@2023forme welcome, alcohol anxiety is horrendous and I think a minute at a time sounds like a good plan. Drink lots of fluid and be kind to yourself. I would recommend reading or listen to as I do on headphones Alcohol Explained by William Porter - it's really helped me to understand by relationship with alcohol. When I first started posting I was on here constantly and it really helped so do that if it helps you too. I will keep checking in through the day

@Newmum738 💐
Where there's a will there's a relative.

My dad 'left' me his life insurance. It ran out 6 years previous! We got a clapped out Vauxhall Meriva (me, Sav in a Vauxhall Meriva)
My sister refused to visit me after we bought a big fancy house (I cashed in a pension). She thought I had had a pay out without telling anyone. I ended up moving as she had poisoned my family against me. No fun in a party house with no visitors.
Funny now I am sober they have read the paperwork and realise my sister is a bit nuts.
Chin up Newmum.

@WendyWagon I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm currently trying to figure out if it is about the Will or the fact that Dad was the glue that held it together and it was always fragile anyway. There are always a lot of fall outs in our family. I totally get that my brother might feel like he isn't valued but once Dad got sick he basically said he wasn't going to be there for mum so I think it would have happened anyway. It might not have been directly about me but I couldn't have carried on seeing him if he was a shit to my mum. It's not like we had the best relationship anyway!

I am back (laptop opened for work today, the website is still unusable from my phone and MNHQ can't / won't fix the issue)

Massive congratulations to @BunniesBunniesBunnies on your 1000 days. That is just epic! I know there are people here in their 1000's and I am in awe - I hope to be there myself one day (well in about 670 days ha ha! I am day 330 today)

Big shout out to @WendyWagon on her one year soberversary. Another phenomenal milestone to reach (I'll be joining you in a months time - woo hoo!)

To all the new joiners - there are quite a few so I haven't tagged - my advice is to just keep going. Every day you don't drink is positive, no matter what your brain tells you. I had many, many, many day ones and every Monday morning I woke determined the week ahead would be different. The internal battle that raged was relentless. I always, always went back to the wine until the day I didn't!

I had so many day one's I didn't even start posting here until I'd got to 40 days as I felt like I was bound to fail....

What helped me most was reading Annie Grace's The 30 day Alcohol Experiment, staying very low key (no socialising / not going anywhere that I would usually drink although I mainly drank at home but it was important I wasn't triggered out of the house ) and staying very focused. I wanted to not drink just a little bit more than I wanted to drink. The balance took a while to shift. In the first month I was 51% wanting to be AF and 49% "fuck this shit" but now I am there I am a full on, committed, happy AF person.

(and when I say happy I don't mean giddy / always on top of the world. I just mean I have a peacefulness and contentment I didn't have 329 days ago!)

Stick with it!!!!

Sadly I did receive some news over the weekend that has been difficult to digest.

TW- involves death**

My oldest friends brother was found dead on Saturday. Causes as yet unknown but he was sadly "lost to drink" years ago (he lived in a halfway house, used a homeless shelter was LC / NC with his family. My friend described him as a 'down and out drunk').

It wasn't a sudden descent, he'd always had alcohol and substance issues but he'd had long periods of sobriety and he had two sons and a wife before alcohol took him completely.

Of course my thoughts are with his family - I have known him, his mum, my friend and her family since I was 3 (the younger siblings I have known since they were born). His children we NC for obvious reasons but the pain they must feel today makes me want to weep.

My heart breaks for his mum - I cannot imagine the pain of outliving a child and I cannot imagine the pain of watching a child be taking by such a dark, forceful, relentless addiction.

It's also a "but for the grace of God" moment for me. Who knows where my issues would have taken me?

I remember one of the books I read (can't remember which and I am paraphrasing or even totally mis-remembering here) but it was along the lines of 'I never drank in the morning, until I drank in the morning' meaning you don't see your descent coming. You can cross over from problematic to chronic in a moment. You can cross over from controlled to hopeless in a heartbeat.