What actually happens at an Al Anon meeting?

[HealthProbs]

I've been considering going to a meeting for a while now as I am still impacted by my ex's alcoholism despite leaving years ago. My children are also suffering. I feel a lot of anger. More than is healthy. And the fact my ex is now dying due to drink has made me even less sympathetic.
But I'm worried I will be judged if I say what I really feel to a load of strangers who may have found more kindness in dealing with their relatives than I can muster.
So, can anyone who has been to a meeting tell me what actually happens there?
Thanks

Hello HealthProbs. I have literally just got back from my first meeting and so can tell you a bit about what happened there, though I guess all are a bit different. I was nervous but they were very welcoming. There was tea and biscuits! In mine, there were six of us, including two newcomers. One guy led the meeting - he read out the rules (e.g. anonymity etc.) then we all said how we were feeling that day. They are based around the same 12 steps as AA, which feels a bit weird but they made it clear that you could be an atheist or anything else you wanted to be. There was a discussion, based on one of the rules, but people interpreted it according to their own understanding/situation. People took it in turns to speak, although you didn't have to. I had to rush off early but I understand this group had a Whatsapp group and encouraged people to make contact between meetings if they needed a chat/some support.

The atmosphere at mine was quite calm (apart from the sound of me snotting in the background) but I got the impression that people wouldn't be shocked easily. In the leaflet they gave me there was a list of 'things you may have done/thought' which included committing physical violence against the alcoholic and wishing they were dead, so I don't think anything is off limits as far as discussion is concerned!

I was glad I went. Just to be in the same room as people who had dealt with the sharp end of life with an alcoholic made me feel much less lonely. Feel free to ask any questions if you want, although I'm not an expert having only been to one meeting!

Thank you @Justcrackingon and what a coincidence. That really helped.

Will you go back? I'm not sure what your situation is, are you in a relationship with an addict?

I've encouraged my DC to use NACOA for support but struggling to find something suitable for me. I certainly don't love an addict, in fact I hate one!

Hi @HealthProbs it's my sibling that is the alcoholic, so admittedly a very less intense situation than yours. I'm sorry to hear that your children are suffering. I have a friend in the same situation as you, and it's impossibly hard for her. We have no other family and so I feel I can't walk away but most days I wonder what is left of our relationship, other than shared DNA.

Yes, I will go back to the meeting. As I said, just being with people who 'get it' is a support. I had said to my DP the day before that I needed to be with people who understood that I wasn't an absolute monster on the days when I wish she would just get hit by a bus, so as not to prolong the agony (her agony too, I get that). Part of me resents even having to trek to a meeting once a week and give up time that I could be spending with my kids but anything that might help me.

The people that had obviously been attending a while had a calmness and acceptance about them that I suspect might be annoying if you are feeling very angry. But I am guessing that they weren't so calm when they first started going and will have 'been there'. Even in my small meeting there was a mix of parents (of alcoholics), children and partners/exes.

Hope that helps.

Definitely helps, thanks again.

I have a friend in your shoes and actually they are suffering more than I am as they feel responsible for their sibling despite some awful behaviour. At least I was able to make the break away from my ex and don't have to deal with him any more.

I'll give the meetings a go and see if they help. Hope yours continue to. And if you'd like to vent privately, please feel free to IM me.

I still go to meetings too, I'm almost 4 years on from my husband's death. Ours isn't affiliated to Al-Anon, we are an independent group, but we have our own confidentiality statement and our way of doing things. Every other meeting we have a share from a former addict, and the other meeting we check in with each other. If we have new people, we give them the opportunity to speak if they want to, but it often takes a little while and they need to listen first.

As for what we hear - nothing shocks us any more. I am not the only one to have admitted to wishing my husband dead. These meetings are a safe space for all of us to voice things we can't say anywhere else.