Day 1

[moochies]

I posted another thread earlier about my disaster of a Christmas Day.

I just can't do it anymore, looking into the future I can see myself losing everything, my DH, friends, family. I was considering taking myself to a&e this morning because I was such a mess.

I'm absolutely determined to do it this time, so this is day 1.

Please join me.

I just thought I'd check-in and see how everyone is doing today. It's normal to feel a bit rubbish at this point.

Sending my support too. Nearly 2 years in. It’s been life changing for me in a positive way. Some relationships have changed but I’ve met so many new people and feel like I’m living life more rather than being hungover most weekends.

Hello I'm also wondering how everyone is doing. Beer fear has really set in now but I'm determined this will be the last time. Hope everyone is ok.

@doorornottodoor, I remember those days when I woke up amazed not to be hungover. It's grand, isn't it?

@teaandtoastwithmarmite, beer fear is to be expected. Alcohol is a depressant. When it washes out of your system you experience low levels of serotonin and dopamine, which will correct themselves in time.

I'm fine. We had a nice dinner at my MIL's last night and I'm off for the rest of the week.

@ILoveSushi12345

I'm starting on January 1st. I've been closet drinking alone all year to block out awful memories and feelings, I've been hiding it from everyone. I'm so embarrassed I let myself go down to that level. I'm actually really excited about stopping! I hope I'll feel happier mentally.

I live alone and have started taking bottles to recycling because I'm embarrassed by how quickly my glass home recycling bin fills up and in case my one looked in it.

Snap! I wait until my neighbours are out before I take the bin out. There's enough clanging and banging in there to impersonate a fucking brewery and don't get me started on the noise it makes when the binmen hoist it upside down. I absolutely cringe. It stops altogether in 2022 I can't carry on like that x

I'm here, day 4.

Oh god, the fear and anxiety is the worst isn't it. Absolute worst feeling ever. It does fade slightly as the days go by though.

I must say I'm dying for a beer today, but I'm not going to have one.

I also secret drink, I'll buy 12 beers, put 6 in the fridge and hide 6, so it looks like I only have half of what I do have.

It's ridiculous. I don't do it every week, but if I'm having a binge drink I'll really go for it.

Does anyone feel like they're nowhere near as bad when they go out? I very rarely have a problem in pubs and restaurants because I have to order drinks, and they have to be measured and served to me.

It's when I can pour my own at home.

You’re doing brilliantly @moochies well done! How’s the sleep?

Out of interest has anyone who has quit drinking found their stomach / digestive system has improved? Mine has been awful lately and I'm wondering if alcohol has caused it.

@doorornottodoor

You’re doing brilliantly *@moochies* well done! How’s the sleep?

Thank you. I'm sleeping like crap tbh, but at least I'm not hungover!

Hopefully the sleep will improve.

When I went to pubs I often took the car because as you say the drinks were poured and measured snd that wasn’t enough fir me . So I would look like a very controlled person but couldn’t wait to get home in my own company with my bottle . I would also hide stuff so it didn’t look as bad ! Next day wake with a stinking hangover looking at bottle in disbelief of hiw much I had drank . Had so many days 1 but so far I have been aAF fir 496 days . Still crave but I must stick with it . Good luck to everyone x

@moochies

I'm here, day 4.

Oh god, the fear and anxiety is the worst isn't it. Absolute worst feeling ever. It does fade slightly as the days go by though.

I must say I'm dying for a beer today, but I'm not going to have one.

I also secret drink, I'll buy 12 beers, put 6 in the fridge and hide 6, so it looks like I only have half of what I do have.

It's ridiculous. I don't do it every week, but if I'm having a binge drink I'll really go for it.

Does anyone feel like they're nowhere near as bad when they go out? I very rarely have a problem in pubs and restaurants because I have to order drinks, and they have to be measured and served to me.

It's when I can pour my own at home.

Yes the anxiety is horrible and that random man tried to phone me last night. I blocked him but I feel like that memory will always be there whenever I see my blocked contacts on WhatsApp. Maybe it will serve as a good reminder not to drink again

@ILoveSushi12345

Out of interest has anyone who has quit drinking found their stomach / digestive system has improved? Mine has been awful lately and I'm wondering if alcohol has caused it.

Yes I feel like I have diarrhoea the next day

Sorry to post again. I feel really down today and quite desperate. Feel like I'll never be able to forget

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

How British of you to apologize for posting again.

Feeling down at this point is perfectly normal, both for neurological reasons and because the idea of giving up drinking is scary and daunting. And you can't and shouldn't forget what happened. What you can do is learn from it and move forward in a better way.

Posting here for support really shows the value of peer support, but doing it online, on MN, is really rubbish compared to going to an in person support group. We are social animals. We are programmed to connect in person, sharing experiences. Over time, your AA group becomes your sobriety tribe. You'll have mates to chat with, and when you're tempted to pick up, those social bonds will restrain you. Part of what will keep you sober is not wanting to let your group down. They will be supporting you and vice versa. Please, find a meeting to go to. Sit in the back. Pretend you don't speak English if it helps.

You alone must do this, but you cannot do it alone.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite it will get easier. Try and do some nice things for yourself. Yes you messed up but nothing happened so you need to try and forgive yourself. ❤️If your friend or daughter were feeling the way you are, what would your advice be?

Have you read any of the sobriety literature around? Or podcasts?

@teaandtoastwithmarmite here,

www.refinery29.com/en-gb/best-books-quit-drinking

@moochies. My sleep was shocking after I gave up. Really crazy vivid dreams. Dreadful.

It was actually the thing that made me realise that I did have a problem. I think I kidded myself beforehand that I wasn’t really being affected physically by my third/half a bottle of wine every night.

[quote doorornottodoor]@teaandtoastwithmarmite it will get easier. Try and do some nice things for yourself. Yes you messed up but nothing happened so you need to try and forgive yourself. ❤️If your friend or daughter were feeling the way you are, what would your advice be?

Have you read any of the sobriety literature around? Or podcasts?[/quote]
Thank you. I have no memory though so it's that that is bothering me.

Currently reading third one on that list and it's very helpful to making me understand why I put what is essentially poison in my body.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite yes I can see how scary that could be.

I think the books are a great idea. The more you know about the disease and the more you can learn from others who have beaten it, the better. I'm a medical professional and have found that understanding alcohol abuse and addiction on that level has been very helpful. I would caution anyone who thinks that reading books is a substitute for peer support. It is not.

@moochies how are you this evening ?

[quote Adm1010]@moochies how are you this evening ?[/quote]

I'm doing ok thank you, day 5.

I'm struggling with boredom in the evenings when I'd often open a beer/wine, but I'm holding off. Instead I'm hitting the cheese pretty hard.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite how are you today, any better?

Tomorrow night is going to be a challenge, we're now going to a dinner party and I've offered to drive. Driving is the only way I'll force myself to stay sober.

But I've told DH I'd like to leave by 11, which he's fine with.