Day 1

[moochies]

I posted another thread earlier about my disaster of a Christmas Day.

I just can't do it anymore, looking into the future I can see myself losing everything, my DH, friends, family. I was considering taking myself to a&e this morning because I was such a mess.

I'm absolutely determined to do it this time, so this is day 1.

Please join me.

@MinnieJackson excellent news on two counts: that the craving went quickly AND that you spotted it. Just continue in this way, being aware. The more you allow cravings to come without reacting, the more you're teaching yourself how to do this.

Thank you everyone. This thread really is so helpful

@CheesePlantMurderer not only the empty calories of alcohol but I always used to get the munchies if I got home after an evening spent drinking... out would come the cheese and crackers even though I had no need for that food at that time! Not to mention meaning I would also be sleeping on a full stomach

Just got back from the park 💪 funny as we pulled up the Rocky theme tune came on the radio. I legged it round after my kids like a nutter then went to the shop, the woman was faffing with the Ice cream machine for ages so I did have to step outside, but I'm sober. Small victories I suppose.

@MinnieJackson that's awesome. It may seem small but it's really not

@brightspice I am not too bad with that, my limit is toast, but I buy Danish bread so even a loaf wouldn't do much harm but boy can I pack away wine.....and its just so bad, I am still growing bruises from the weekend (and I lost my makeup bag somewhere with new items in it, which is SO annoying!)

@MinnieJackson FANTASTIC Will power! I am so so so wanting a glass of wine tonight. Thursday has always been my Friday as such a heavy work day and Friday is not at all. So close to thinking Let me see if I can have ONE glass.....75% of the time I can't!

Night everyone. Ended up being one of those days were an early night is definitley needed. I've been feeling feelings and I don't like it 😂 we can do this

@MinnieJackson good night. You're doing so well. I opened the fridge. There was a can of carling in there along with my 0% Heineken. I obviously took the Heineken but it was weird to think I won't drink it.

I've had a bit of a relapse. I don't know why I do this because I feel incredibly depressed and fat and useless.

@Bizzywater don't be so hard on yourself, we've all been there. This is not bloody easy. Are you aiming to be teetotal or moderate? Either way, you've acknowledged and are addressing a problem that is so much easier to ignore in the short term. That's commendable imo.

What's everyone's plans for the (now) dreaded Friday night? I really don't know what to do which is dangerous. I'm finding it hard to focus on books which is my go to. Might get the pencils out.

Ooh actually last night I signed up to 2 free online courses, a mental health awareness one and an understanding autism one, they're calling me between 4 and 5 today. Trying to get this old brain firing again

@bizzywater - so you had a relapse. OK.

The question now is: what do you want to make that relapse mean about you? That you are useless? I understand why you say that, you've got used to thinking that. It's part of the habit.

But perhaps a kinder approach I would suggest: that you are learning a new skill. The skill of not drinking when you feel triggered to. That's all. And just like when you learn any new skill you'll slip up now and then. You're human! It's really no big deal if you can learn from it.

You say you don't know why you do this, but that is now the work. Start by going back to the moment when you drank: can you remember what you were feeling at the time?

Oh god the schools just rang and the deputy head teacher wants a meeting with me and dh at 3.20pm about our 10 year old with autism. I'm so scared, I'm panicking badly. They wouldn't say over the phone what's happened, just that he's ok. I physically can't go. I haven't been to the school in years. My agoraphobia won't let me. I have so many terrible thoughts running through my head. My husband's going to say I have a meeting, even though I just answered the phone and said I'd be there. Fucking hell, what's going on. My minds running away with me now, I'm thinking social services, exclusions, violence. I always jump straight to the worst thoughts. Anyone help?

So proud of myself. I completely overreacted earlier. School were fine and it was a bit of a non issue which wound up with good results that he's finally getting his own 1:1 after four years! Although ds did pipe up with 'I'm sorry Mr X, dealing with this is way beyond your pay bracket, I just want to learn' anyway, I was so worked up I honestly wanted to go straight to the pub after. The craving passed fast-ish with the adrenaline drop, and another one of those nutty bars (my God I love those things).

I honestly thought I would be writing on here in the morning that I'd relapsed. It was weird though, because with every rationalisation I was giving myself to allow myself to drink, sober quotes and thinking of tomorrow, were coming through so much louder. I never would have thought that was possible.
Hope everyone's doing well tonight

Well I've felt rotten all day. Thanks for the kind words @MinnieJackson and @brightspice

I don't think I can moderate. As far as triggers, I was telling myself I needed to relax and unwind but I know there are much better ways to do that. I've got a week off work and a JOMO box to enjoy.
jomoclub.co.uk

Had a nuisance mixer earlier (unmixed!) and it was lovely.

www.nuisancedrinks.co.uk/shop/p/wild-bramble-rosemary-soda-mixer

Annoyingly I've messed up the online shop and got 2 bottles of wine delivered but I'll give them away.

@MinnieJackson

So proud of myself. I completely overreacted earlier. School were fine and it was a bit of a non issue which wound up with good results that he's finally getting his own 1:1 after four years! Although ds did pipe up with 'I'm sorry Mr X, dealing with this is way beyond your pay bracket, I just want to learn' anyway, I was so worked up I honestly wanted to go straight to the pub after. The craving passed fast-ish with the adrenaline drop, and another one of those nutty bars (my God I love those things).

I honestly thought I would be writing on here in the morning that I'd relapsed. It was weird though, because with every rationalisation I was giving myself to allow myself to drink, sober quotes and thinking of tomorrow, were coming through so much louder. I never would have thought that was possible.
Hope everyone's doing well tonight

Well done!

Hi all,
Is it okay if I jump in? Today is day one for me. Not a big drinker generally but its creeping up and I don't seem to Have an off switch.
Last night, I drank too fast and acted like an absolute twat. I've been awake most of the night, and consumed with guilt and shame. Life has been stressful and opening that wine on a Friday evening was my 'reward'. No more. I emptied the rest of the red wine, getting rid of wine glasses today and have got Appletiser in the fridge to look forward to tonight.
DH doesn't drink so zero alcohol in the house.
My mum has a drinking problem, and I absolutely despised being around her after a drink. I wouldn't even answer the phone. And yet, I'm doing the same to my kids no more. They deserve a mother to be a good role model and not act like a drunken idiot on the weekend. They deserve so much more.
Feel so embarrassed today.

So.... today is day one. I've had eggs for breakfast, forced myself to get on with laundry and going to have a shower. Vitamins and lots of veg/fruit to have today, and water!
Tonight I'll be getting back into yoga, do my nails, and read a book. Onwards and upwards. No more wine o clock.

@Bizzywater You absolutely can moderate and you have proof that you can... when you go out for an evening do you drink right through until the morning? Or does there come a point (even after many glasses) when you say "I've had enough". OK it may be later than you want, and right now you may not call it moderation, but you do stop. Baby steps. If you truly couldn't moderate you would just keep on drinking until you pass out then carry on in the morning. It's important to recognise this. It's one little bit of proof that teaches your mind that you do have control. Not the wine. Absolutely not the wine. You. Be kind to yourself.

We're each capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for.

@Thoughtsarrivelikebutterflies5 welcome to the thread! I get so much support here. My dad's an extremely problematic drinker too, and I'm stopping the cycle now. I'm starting to believe in myself now. I've had a million day ones and no off switch so I've accepted that if I don't want to do regrettable things, be anxious and depressed etc then I just can't have that first drink. I've also told people irl this, (hard and embarrassing) and that's really helped. Good on you!

I also made an Instagram account and use it to follow all the sober and alcohol free pages. There are so many people like us, I was shocked. I find it helps having a look first thing in the morning at some of the positive stories and quotes to help my mindset.

@MinnieJackson
Thank you 🙂 hope everyone is doing well this Saturday evening.
I've read through the entire thread which has been immensely helpful. All of you are amazing.

Today has been up and down. Exhausted from a rubbish night's sleep. Feeling flat and tired. Tried to push through and get some stuff done. Sorted DS's birthday presents, done a run to the charity shop, eaten relatively well. I did struggle by 4ish with tiredness. However, I'm feeling positive about giving it up this time.
Yoga mat is out ready so once DD is asleep, I'll get a short yoga practice then a relaxed night with a book and face mask/painting my nails. I found Gu diary free chocolate cheesecake so I'm really looking forward to that (I'm Lactose intolerance), and I've just treated myself to some lovely chocolates.
I'm okay for the next few days. Wednesday/Thursday evening will be the test for me.

That sounds great @Thoughtsarrivelikebutterflies5. Addressing any issues you have is really the first step isn't it. I've got bloody insomnia now 😒 even when you're not drinking it takes up so much time just thinking about it and ruminating on past mistakes. I can't get into my book and lying in beds making my back really ache. I've just got up to have some ibuprofen. Oh well, I'm safe and sober at home on a Saturday night. Zero cravings today. All these little bits add up I suppose don't they. I keep telling myself that every long term sober person has been in these early stages and it does help.

Wanted to let you all know that this Wednesday at 4pm I'm going live on my 90 Days Later Facebook page on the topic of 'Kick the wine down habit in 5 simple steps'. It should take about 30-40 mins and doesn't require signing into groups or anything. I'm not including links here as don't want to go against MN policies, but did want to let you know. If you want further details just send me a PM. You will be able to access the recording on the page after the event too.

@brightspice that sounds awesome. I don't have Facebook but I know my mum would let me use hers for this. Do o just type in 90 days later?

How's everyone doing? I'm on day 11 and feeling really good.