Day 1

[moochies]

I posted another thread earlier about my disaster of a Christmas Day.

I just can't do it anymore, looking into the future I can see myself losing everything, my DH, friends, family. I was considering taking myself to a&e this morning because I was such a mess.

I'm absolutely determined to do it this time, so this is day 1.

Please join me.

Bless you @MinnieJackson you've had such a shit few months without even considering the booze. Are you and DH ok as a couple with everything? It's so hard trying to be a team when everything else is going on.

Remember that in your position most people would be struggling right now. Trauma plus trying to stay sober is so hard.

I've had 2 big fails since starting the thread, hence the quiet lurking. Meh, it's so fucking hard. But (and I'm a total hypocrite here) maybe we should all post about our fails more as well as our successes, so we can all comfort and commiserate. I haven't been, I've stayed quiet because I was embarrassed. But I think we should post the good and the bad, and you've been brave here by posting the trust. I'm sure we all hope you're ok and send our love.

This is a fucking tough journey.

Thanks @moochies. You're right it is so hard.
If I was my Dh I probably would have left me to be honest. Which is ironic, because 7 years ago I was teetotal, he wasnt, stayed out all night too nights too many, and I packed his bags and dropped them at his brother's house. He hasn't done it since. We've had some frank and honest conversations that we've both avoided for a while and I actually feel like we're really on the same page now. He's a really good man that doesn't judge people. He's always pulled people up kindly about walking a mile in other people's shoes before they judge them, even about people he doesn't really like himself, which I have such respect for.
I'm feeling optimistic, anxious and low. I feel we should all be shouting our recovery loudly to help those that are suffering in silence. Shame and embarrassment is such a vicious cycle, get drunk, feel like you want to die from shame, wait a few days and do the same again to erase the shame. And repeat.

@moochies When you 'fail' it's not a waste if you learn from it. Consider most other things we do in life (from learning to walk to learning to drive to learning to create and save an Excel sheet) are done through failing then learning. I encourage those I work with to celebrate their failures. It shows they're giving things a go. Then we evaluate. What happened? What would you do differently next time? I believe that the quicker you fail the quicker you learn. Good for you for highlighting the importance of failure - even though it might seem terrible in the moment.

@brightspice you're so right. I've definitely learnt some lessons these last couple of weeks. I'm a quarter of the way through bryony Gordon's new book and it's brilliant.

I have managed to go Friday, Saturday and Monday AF. I am going to see how long I can keep this going.

Unfortunately I had some drinks on Sunday, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it - just keep going.

I'm on day 51 but I know I will struggle at some point. I'm going to a festival in summer with DH's family and that will be super difficult.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite why will it be super difficult at the festival and how do you know you will struggle at some point?

What would the non-drinking version of you think about the festival? (The non-drinking version not the giving-up-drink version.)

How would you act today if you believed you are already that version of you?

@brightspice I think because they all drink a lot normally so I will be the only sober person with a lot of drunk people. And I can't really just go home. Plus it will probably be cold and uncomfortable and a drink will make me feel more relaxed about it. And I guess I'm saying I've done well but haven't really been out that much so I know there'll be challenges in the future

The non drinking person will be happier although I w never had an issue with drinking at festivals except for once when me and my then boyfriend now DH has a huge argument because some guy grabbed me and kissed me and I was really drunk so prob was my fault. Anyway that was 18 years ago but I guess it's still there as a bad drunken time

@teaandtoastwithmarmite It wasn't your fault a guy grabbed you and kissed you just because you were drunk! Apologies if I have picked you up wrong x

I know but I was really ashamed of it.

Joining if I may. Day 2 here. Yet another weekend where lunch turned into a session. I don't recall getting home or how I am covered in bruises. I just never learn how or when to stop.
I love drinking. Alone. With friends. Alone. I am stunned I managed last night without as Sunday night was worse than Saturday and I as home alone. Blood test today was part of the incentive, can't use that excuse for another month tho

@teaandtoastwithmarmite hmm yes, when I think festivals I also think about the cold!

But why is it a problem if you're the only sober person in a group of drunk people?

The experience will be different, certainly, but how could it be even better?

Welcome @CheesePlantMurderer do you mean you drank because you were nervous or as a reward for having a blood test

@brightspice good question because when I really think about it there isn't a problem. I just imagine I'll be out of the loop a bit like they'll be having daft conversations and I'll be sober and not

@CheesePlantMurderer I personally have a problem with my off switch too. One drink is too many and 20 isn't enough. I've given up trying moderation. It's always so romanticized in my head, even after a decade of binges, depression and a million day ones. Things like a nice glass of red wine with a Sunday lunch in a pub. I've never done that. A nice cold gin and tonic in the garden in summer etc. Every time this would just lead to a huge binge! I don't even like these drinks, but I would drink them I'm avoiding all situations for at least three months if I know there will be alcohol involved if I can, which should be easy because I rarely go out unless it's to the pub. Day 5 today and no cravings yet but I know they will come for sure and I'm going to sit with them and feel them and try and identify my triggers.
I'm also looking for a new hobby I can do at home of anyone has at ideas?

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Welcome *@CheesePlantMurderer* do you mean you drank because you were nervous or as a reward for having a blood test

Hello @teaandtoastwithmarmite The blood test was an incentive to not drink. It's never just one, it's a bottle of wine and then scour the back of the spirits cupboard if I'm still awake. Not big or clever and I've been to AA in the past so am aware I easily slip back into old bad habits.

@MinnieJackson absolutely me to a T!

I am going to reupholster a sofa....I've completed Netflix Level 15 having had Covid and been laid up - didn't stop me drinking - so no reason to be a couch potato any longer and keeping my hands busy and needing to be alert may just do it.

But already I at the "why don't I try to drink every other day" stage of the afternoon

@teaandtoastwithmarmite ... Yep, so often we talk about things as problems when really they aren't.

Huge fun could be had joining in a daft conversation when sober. Just imagine all the nonsensical things you could say which the others would not spot, for starters.

@CheesePlantMurderer it's so hard isn't it, I can definitely talk the talk but I finally need to put this knowledge into action. Reupholstering sounds hard! I'd love to learn to crochet. I used to knit but I'm really rusty now, but I have some squares of a blanket my gran and I started making before she passed away, id love to finish that. I'm saving my alcohol money to redecorate my bedroom so might have to start getting into Pinterest etc again. I also started a novel a year ago but my brain has only had room for the most basic tasks

@MinnieJackson so bloody hard! I live alone much of the time and it's too easy to submit to the feeling and taste that I love!
I adore crochet, i've not done it for years and I wasn't very good but I found it really enjoyable because you get quite quick results don't you? Give it a go - lovely connection to your gran too
The sofa won't be perfect but it'll be better than it is now
Instead of starting though, I'm watching the programme about Marian Keyes contemplating a bottle of red I spotted earlier ffs

[quote teaandtoastwithmarmite]@brightspice I think because they all drink a lot normally so I will be the only sober person with a lot of drunk people. And I can't really just go home. Plus it will probably be cold and uncomfortable and a drink will make me feel more relaxed about it. And I guess I'm saying I've done well but haven't really been out that much so I know there'll be challenges in the future [/quote]
I really identify with this. We are going away for a week soon and I'm worried about that as a trigger... then camping in summer when it gets cold... I hate being cold and someone the wine made it ok.

[quote MinnieJackson]@CheesePlantMurderer it's so hard isn't it, I can definitely talk the talk but I finally need to put this knowledge into action. Reupholstering sounds hard! I'd love to learn to crochet. I used to knit but I'm really rusty now, but I have some squares of a blanket my gran and I started making before she passed away, id love to finish that. I'm saving my alcohol money to redecorate my bedroom so might have to start getting into Pinterest etc again. I also started a novel a year ago but my brain has only had room for the most basic tasks [/quote]
I keep checking how much I've saved on the Try Dry app! I've rewarded myself with a new lippy and some gym kit from the savings.

@Bizzywater fabulous idea will download the app

@Bizzywater yes it's so good to see the savings, but it also makes me think, how the hell was I affording this? Well I've been borrowing off my dad since xmas, finally repaid the last £160 thank god. Now to work on the overdraft.
When I saved Well last time I treated myself to new make-up and clothes and it was almost like, well what's the point of having this new stuff if no-one sees it, let's go to the pub! So any spare money now is going on homeware, books and savings