The Freedom Thread (Continued) - Enjoying the positives of an alcohol free life *Title edited by MNHQ*

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

Hello all,

This is a thread for people who have decided that life is much better without alcohol!🤩 These threads were started by @Drybird, and they have changed the lives of many people.

Some posters on these threads have been sober for a long time, and some are only just starting. We are a very friendly and inclusive bunch and we are always excited when someone new joins the thread. The only thing we ask is that our posters have given up alcohol completely. Talk of moderation can be triggering for some people, so this thread is not the right place for that (there are other moderation threads🙂).

I hope to see many familiar names on this thread, and some new ones too! We always welcome anyone to share their feelings, ask questions or simply “check in”🙂

I’d also like to thank @Breathmiller for hosting the last thread (and to ask for your forgiveness for shamelessly stealing your thread title😳) - Thank you @Breathmiller 💐

Thanks all!

Bunnies

Oh yes @iamyourequal when you put it like that it sounds rational however I think DD really needs a mum who is championing her and confident for the future not one blubbering in the corner (not even sure if blubbering is a real word??)

Actually I should add I'm not actually crying just feel like that - like a small child which is why I know it's triggering

@Kindtomyself it’s normal to hurt for our kids. It’s really rough and it’s heart wrenching when they are hurting . Hope she is ok now

@Kindtomyself my DD has had this a lot and as mums we feel all their hurt and our own for them. I think it’s good to acknowledge the pain but also really important to impress that it’s not personal, things will change, adult friendships are much kinder (in my experience) and sometimes we have to make the best of a bad lot. When it happens now, if I take a deep breath and approach it objectively like that it does seem to help. I hope your DD is ok.

@iamyourequal 😘

I'll update more when I can this week, have to hit the hay, it's been a long old day.

First AA meeting went well today. Feeling positive about continuing going as the support in person is really helpful. There is one tomorrow evening so I'm going to that one too as I'm not sure of my shifts yet for placement. Then I'll be able to introduce myself to them as well in case I can't do Monday day time ones.

The evening one is at 7-30pm tomorrow. I'll keep you posted!

Thank you everyone for your support here, I am so grateful for this thread and all of the people on here.

Checking in 🙌

Waves at @SparklingLime
🙋

@Kindtomyself I think it’s okay to blubber in the corner AND cheer your child on condidently! It’s awful having to watch our children go through something tricky, that kind of thing has made me cry more than once!

@ChampooPapi well done on attending that meeting!!!👍👍👍

Thank you @BunniesBunniesBunnies 🥰

Well done @ChampooPapi x

Thanks you've all been so kind . Glad you went @ChampooPapi

@iamyourequal it's really complicated. If I move I'd have to go on my own without DH; he won't move, to a certain extent I understand his position. He has a good job here, says he is too old to start again at his age. I've been here for nearly 10 years. I moved here to be with him. We live on a small island which is beautiful but incredibly limited. We live quite rurally, there are no facilities here and the infrastructure is crap. We have no family here but we have each other. Housing and COL very expensive.
I work on line remotely.
I just feel trapped and incredibly sad that my life has turned out this way.

Well done going to the first meeting @ChampooPapi. What a positive step.
@Kindtomyself. Blubbering is most definitely a word. I’ve spent a good part of the holidays in blubbersville so I can vouch for that (- not looking for sympathy, I’m feeling calmer and more together already now it’s over! )
@Touty. Yes, that’s a difficult situation. Perhaps as he gets near retirement your DH might be persuaded to move? A small island must be quite challenging, especially with no family there. I hope you work something out. I was going to say you might learn to love it, but you have already done 10 years, which seems a fair effort already. I’d gladly move too, but our kids are happy here and that’s more important than me wishing to move because the scenery is ugly and my neighbours get on my nerves..lol

@iamyourequal the things is he says he never wants to retire and that he would be bored all day doing nothing! We are both 49 so I guess it's a long way off. He doesn't really have an alternative plan. I guess he is content with life as it is. I don't want to see out my days here, I'd prefer to go back to the UK, can't see him living there.

I sympathize living with ugly scenery, I used to live in a large urban area in the UK and hated it because it was so ugly, no trees just a concrete jungle, so I know what u mean.

I wonder if all this sitting with feelings and introspection is actually a good thing. Problems seem to be more glaring without alcohol.

@Touty - sounds difficult. Have you had counselling together? It seems unfair that you have to live somewhere you hate.

You’re right about alcohol and problems. But I see it as allowing more clarity. It’s painful but necessary to live a good full life. Otherwise you’re living a half life, burying the problems. We had marriage issues after I gave up alcohol and still have the odd issue. I think I was bored and drank for something to do. Lockdown and DH going from travelling all the time to being at home 24/7 (and still is ) was a very big change! We had counselling which helped a lot.I’ve also stopped expecting him to change and be “Mr plan lots of fun stuff” and done my own thing/made my own plans so resentment has lessened. We’re communicating much better too.

Good luck with this. Maybe do the podcast mentioned earlier to get your thoughts clear.

Just checking in.
@ChampooPapi well done on doing your first and planning your second meeting. You are working out how to deal with being AF your way and sound positive. 👏
Just reading back over the last few days on the thread and thinking about the complexities of peoples lives. We all have our own backstory and that mix of personal, health, work and relationship history. It’s quite easy to read posts and, without necessarily intending to, make assumptions about that person or their situation. Hearing about unhappiness with jobs, partners, locations and concerns about health and family members is poignant at times. Life is usually more complicated and messy than the surface reveals. Congratulations to everyone whatever stage you are at.

Have a good day.

@touty that does sound incredibly complicated. I don’t have any wise words but just wanted to send over some sympathy.

Morning all
@iamyourequal sorry you've been blubbering (I just think about whales' when I write that) and hope you're feeling a little better. We can experience our feelings so clearly without alcohol which can be pretty challenging.
@Touty I agree with others that counselling is worth considering either individually or together. It must be incredibly hard to live somewhere that you are unhappy and possibly lonely.

@Touty I can sympathise . It’s very complicated isn’t it .

Feeling a touch better today . Slightly more positive . I’ve realised I felt sad last night … and that’s ok!!! I didn’t have to fix it or hide it . I’m human and it’s ok to feel sad I guess! Thanks for the gentle nudge you guys to “ sit with it” this is new to me but it makes sense

On a positive note … I’m at four months today !

Congratulations @Adm1010!

Sorry to hear you feel stuck @Touty. I have also been stuck somewhere I don't want to be for 10 years. How depressing is that. Don't like where we live or my job! (We are putting a plan in place to move next year, though - god, hopefully!)

49 is not too old to start again! I don't know what to suggest, but is there any compromise you can come to? You have my absolute sympathies. I didn't think it would be so hard to make life changes until you get stuck for all sorts of reasons. At least alcohol is one area we have become to unstick ourselves!

Oh my goodness @Adm1010 that's fantastic, 4 months is such a landmark! You have done exceptionally, we salute you! 💜🙌

Thank you for your messages of support @iamyourequal @Kindtomyself and @AlloftheTime, it's so nice to wake up to a positive boost on here by getting that @. Ready for today 💪

Will tell you have the busier evening meeting goes, it's mixed sex as well where as the one yesterday was women's only

Hi @doorornottodoor. Any easy tips you gained from marriage counseling would be greatly received if you feel able to share them. I think I would benefit from that but there’s not a snowball’s chance of DH ever agreeing to it. I think there are several of us on this thread who coped by drinking with our DHs to cover up the cracks. It’s very hard now trying to deal with it all sober.
I imagine others, like me are also
possibly having a bit of a mini-midlife crisis, re-evaluating relationships and friendships, jobs, where we live and thinking change would be great but it’s doesn’t seem possible.

@Touty, I hope something works out for you, I know your DH should care that you live somewhere that makes you happy too. I wonder if he knows how unhappy you are in the island.
I made myself go out for a walk today which has helped clear my mind a little. Ive decided to do this every day and try to stop worrying until my HRT kicks in. If it doesn’t work I’m going to ask the GP for something else to help me along. I’ve also decided I am not ‘doing’ Christmas again. Im bloody done with it and I am not hosting it again!

Well done @Adm1010 on 4 months.

So glad you cleared your head a bit @iamyourequal.

With regards to marriage counselling/relationships, I do think issues in my relationship (as well as other stuff) led me to drink more. Obviously it didn’t help. Around the time I quit drinking my relationship was not good, indeed at times we both wondered if it could be repaired. The months (or even first year) during which I was sober things will still pretty rocky. Obviously I could no longer use alcohol to patch the cracks. We did try counselling (both individual and together), this helped a bit, but mostly because it encouraged us to keep talking together. It’s not easy to keep having difficult conversations but we did. There were many tears. I was painfully aware that I had been a really difficult person to live with, partly because of alcohol.
But we both clung to the love we had felt before and we knew deep down we wanted to be together, so we kept working on it. It wasn’t easy and we still aren’t always perfect (who is?!) but we are in a really great place now. Obviously staying together isn’t always the right thing to do but it was for us. I guess my main advice for someone struggling in a relationship is to keep talking together. It sounds simple but that is the only way you will resolve problems if you want to stay together, or to discover that in fact your relationship is no longer sustainable.

Good luck to anyone struggling at the moment.