Leave alcohol behind and re-learn your life. The freedom thread.

[Drybird2020]

This is thread 6, the Anniversary Edition! Welcome to old hands and newbies! From Day 1 onwards, you’re all invited to share this safe, supportive and encouraging place.

If you've not yet decided whether total abstinence is for you, do feel free to ask questions but please be aware that discussion of drinking can be triggering, especially for those in the early stages of sobriety.

If you are still drinking, or planning on moderating (and this includes occasional or once in a blue moon drinking) have a look at the moderation threads, which might be a better fit for you.

It might help to have a read through the previous threads;

1 is here, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3781133-Anyone-else-stopping-completely-in-2020
and

and 5 here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4043965-YES-it-is-SO-worth-it-YES-it-gets-easier-and-YES-we-thought-it-was-impossible-as-well-its-not-A-thread-for-those-embracing-an-alcohol-free-existence?msgid=101761283

You'll find links to the others in there somewhere.

The 31st December is my Soberversary. I'm 2 stone lighter, I've taken up running, I'm better off, more present and more patient with my children, and I've found the courage to address some difficult and traumatic parts of my life. And I couldn’t have reached this point without the threads to keep me accountable, and my lovely sober buddies to keep me sane.

blackberryblossom well done on your 100 days!! That's such a great achievement. Celebrate the fact the vaccination will help you stay healthy by not drinking and making yourself even more healthy!

Healthy is the new celebration!

Although, my youngest and I have had some low level bug this week and I have a shoulder injury so feeling a bit sorry for ourselves here. But the snow has gone (finally!) and we could get out for a gentle walk without it being an expedition.

I did a big project on Saturday that was a bit of a big deal for me and I had a moment halfway through thinking why on earth didn't i have a big glass of wine after i pulled it off to celebrate. But, my dh went out and bought me fake fizz and flowers to say well done. And i realised that the although they were lovely and a very sweet thought, the celebration was in doing the job well.

Massive well done @Blackberryblossom on your 100 days! Such a massive achievement!!!

@Blackberryblossom well done on your 100! I'm nearly half way there and 100 is now my next goal.

@Blackberryblossom huge congratulations on your 100 days!

@Blackberryblossom well done on 100 days - amazing!
@Imagiraffe - yes I think it was around week 3/4 that I became down and to be honest it came and went for a good few weeks. I’m on day 91 now.
I posted here about, I think we fel all our emotions quite intensely particularly the negative ones, because we have spent a years drinking to avoid or change the discomfort of feeling them.
Learning to sit in the discomfort of those feelings is still challenging but it feels a superpower when you can do it and you get stronger at it every time you do.
In saying that, there have been a few days where I’ve felt down and I’ve just written the day off and gone to bed extremely early.
I would also say monitor your menstrual cycle and learn about how that affects your mood. (I use an app called hormone horoscope) I have found that since going alcohol free the effects of hormones have been more intense but shorter lasting.

Congratulations on the big 100 @Blackberryblossom ! How do you feel 100 days in? Any unexpected benefits to sobriety?

Congratulations also to @BunniesBunniesBunnies on your 10 months that’s a huge achievement, a year is within grasping distance now!

Welcome to the new joiners! @LittleSwede I love the idea of Fika in the sunshine a few weeks from now, won’t it be lovely!

Interesting what you say @DileenODoubts about learning how your menstrual cycle affects your moods when sober. I’ve definitely been noticing since getting sober that I’m almost uncontrollably irritable for about two days of the month. (I think I was irritable most of the time whilst drinking, so it’s definitely an improvement. It’s just interesting how acutely aware of it I am now that I spend the rest of my time mostly feeling balanced and happy). I will take your recommendation and track it as that might also help to take the edge of the irritability of I can quickly identify it’s just hormonal.

Hope everyone is having a good week.

Well done blackberryblossom, 100 days woo hoo!

That's fantastic BlackBerryBlossom!

Congratulations @Blackberryblossom ! 100 days is fabulous!

I'm really interested in the counting days thing. Many moons ago I stopped smoking cold turkey from a 40 a day habit. Addictive personality - me??? ) It never occured to me to monitor the days without a cigarette. I just went from being a smoker to a non smoker. Giving up was hard and I know that 1 cigarette could easily send me back down that road.

Has anybody stopped counting the days AF? Perhaps thats the point when you stop reading these threads? Part of me wonders whether counting days almost acknowledges the possibility of going back to drinking rather than becoming a non - drinker, like a non -smoker, for good.

For the record - I am closing in on 50 days this week.

freshstart
Yes there are definitely changes to how much I need to count the days/weeks/months.

When I started i counted days but quickly went on to counting weeks (this time, last time I took longer to get to that stage).
I was on here most days and talking a lot about what was going on for me. It really helped.

Then I went to counting months. And noticed days would go by without needing to be on here.

I have also been putting a gold star on my phone calender but even that has stopped as weeks go by without me feeling the need so I have decided I don't need it at all anymore. That felt a big step forward.

I still come on here and like to hear everyone's stories and milestones and get advice but I don't have to be on here anymore to get through the day or week. I just like you all.

And then there gets to the point where this thread falls off my active threads, then I really knew I was in the zone.

I'll probably keep an eye on month milestones now I've passed the 6 month date but I am really now looking towards the year being my next big milestone.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it does just keep getting easier. It's a bit like breaking up with someone 😄. To begin with you are getting through minute by minute, and feeling you can never get them out of your mind. Then, the next thing you know you haven't thought about them for a day or two, next thing you start remembering all their shit and realise you're better off without them . Next thing you have not thought about them for years and have moved on to bigger and better things

@furble yes identifying when my irritability, negative reaction to something is compounded by hormones has been so helpful for me. It’s not always due to hormones, sometimes my reaction is justified but exploring if it is provides a great gap for me and I cope better. I highly recommend hormone horoscope app, I think it’s paid tho maybe $5.

@FreshStart56 I loved counting days at the start, hitting milestones really worked as motivation for me. I use the I am Sober app and the milestones are frequent the first few weeks then more spaced out. The thought resetting it back to day 1 is a good disincentive to drink again.

Thank you everybody. This thread has been so good for me, it’s brilliant to feel so supported.

@Breathmiller congratulations on your “bit of a big deal”! I love the idea of success being its own celebration. It’s so hard to step away from the notion of alcohol being the de facto partner to joy/pride/anger/grief/boredom.

@furble that’s a really interesting question! I feel so much more stable, calm and strong than I did when I was drinking. I’m on hrt following a hysterectomy and that is working so much better, sleep is largely uninterrupted. Skin is far less red and puffy. I love that (Covid aside), I don’t feel as if I’m constantly waiting for something else to happen before I can crack on with my life, it that makes sense. I stopped drinking, if I can do that then I can revisit everything else that I always thought I couldn’t do.

@FreshStart56 that’s interesting about the counting. 100 days does feel like a real achievement. I’m very aware though that it’s a tiny number compared to my decades of regular drinking... for me it helps to keep counting until the habit is automatic. I do find it satisfying adding in my dry day to the app every day.

Day 50! Feels like a 'big deal' for me.

It absolutely feels like the right thing to do, I'm not missing it but don't know if that will change once restaurants reopen.

It's enough for now

Well done @Blackberryblossom and @Hepzibar, great achievements.

It's an interesting point about counting days, @freshstart56. I'm similar to your stopping smoking in that I felt very clearly from the start that I wasn't drinking again, I needed an absolute, black and white position. But that's to do with my own psychology, I tend to take an all or nothing approach, which doesn't work for everyone.

My real life friend, who is a recovering alcoholic, explained that one day at a time and counting days is helpful for people who find it really hard to imagine life without ever having a drink again. That's why the focus is on just not drinking today, and it's certainly helped friends on here to get through difficult days.

I did use the stay dry app to start with because it was encouraging to see the block of yellow days growing steadily on the calendar. But then I kept forgetting , and it took too long to fill them all in retrospectively! I counted to 100 days and then switched to months. Now I just think "a year and a bit", and I relish the fact that I haven't had a drink since 2019!

Hello, I would like to join, today is day 2 for me. I am excited about this, completely and utterly sick of my wine habit. No dramatic stories, but I wake up at 3 am worrying about my liver. My general health is beginning to suffer. I am 54.

I will read the thread over the next day or two.

@Pepper54 Welcome and I hope you find these threads as helpful as I have.

I am same age as you and wanted to stop for similar reasons, health and weight. Sleep, as you, consisted of waking in middle of night with a racing heart and gloomy thoughts.

Sleep has still been tricky for me but no racing heart (who knew that was caused by the alcohol?!), a Nytol has helped. Headaches in first month also.

The other benefits have slowly appeared and I really wish I had weighed myself at the start and took photos. I have lost a bit of weight, my skin does look better but most of all my head is better - I don't wrestle with the 'I'm not drinking today' and then call in and buy a bottle, drink it all and then feel bad. That's gone! It is a freedom that I never expected.

I drank a bottle of wine every day and never thought I could stop.

Thanks to the posters on here in no small part.

Thank you so much Hepzibar, I am taking your post as a sign. Everything you have written rings a bell and I love that you are the same age.

I didn’t drink as a teenager or young adult but my 40s and 50s have been bad and it’s catching up on me now, lockdown and not driving (I drank less when I knew I needed to drive the next morning) have accelerated the decline. Bloated, overweight, face a bit pink, muscle strength is poor, racing heart in the early hours, excema flair up, very thinning hair, fatigue. Some of it may just be my age and hormones but alcohol is my nemesis. My mum is 84 and in better shape.

50 days is amazing Hepzibar! Good to hear that you are feeling better for it too.

Welcome Pepper54 I am quite new too, am on day 9 today and it's been easier than I thought in some ways. Reading The Naked Mind really helped for me.

Currently enjoying an AF Kopparberg and am looking forward to another night without heart racing and anxiety! Having lots of weird dreams and waking several times but manage to get back to sleep quickly whereas it used to take 2 hours after a night on the wine.

50 days here. I guess I should feel pleased about it. My mental health has taken such a nosedive it’s taken me days to get up the ability to even post this much. I’d like to think “at least I’m not drinking as well” but it’s hard to feel enthusiastic about it when I really don’t care if I live or die.

Congrats to all on milestones and welcome new people.

Congrats @Hepzibar and @ColdWaterTherapy!!! 50 days is a great milestone.

ColdWaterTherapy I am sorry to hear you’re struggling with your mental health, that sounds so tough. You are doing amazing not drinking though, that is a big achievement and with alcohol your life would feel much tougher still I’m sure.

I remember you said you lost your partner and then your FIL. I can only imagine how tough your life must be right now. Have you recently spoken to your GP about how you feel? You do not have to feel this way forever and there is help out there. Hang in there and be kind to yourself, big hug xxx

Thank you Bunnies, I appreciate it. And now my dad has cancer! And my roof is leaking. I feel like I am being 100% trolled by life. And of course I can’t see them (haven’t since 2019, I’m an immigrant here).

I was on ADs for a year and I stopped taking them in December, because I can’t see how there was any point in taking them - I’m not ‘depressed’, I’ve had my life destroyed and that’s just something I have to learn to tolerate until I die.

But at least I’m not drinking. I’m going to go to the non-drinking toolkit today and see if I can use it to get through today.

Being suicidal and sober have a lot in common though; I say to myself “if you still feel like this tomorrow you can kill yourself/have a drink”, every day.

Oh man @ColdWaterTherapy well done for posting, that can’t be easy. I’m so sorry your dad is ill too and that you can’t visit him, that must be so hard.

I do know what you mean about the ADs: They won’t fix your grief and suddenly make everything okay. Having said that you should not have to go through life feeling so awful. Yes, of course you will always grieve for your partner and the life you could have had, and your old life has been destroyed (as you say) in the most cruel and butral way. But this doesn’t mean you can never be happy again. I don’t want to minimise what you are going through at all and I won’t tell you “it will all be okay” but there was a very inspiring thread on here the other day about people who had managed to find happiness again after losing a partner.

I do hope you find happiness again but meanwhile please speak to your GP again. ADs and therapy won’t magically fix all your grief but the right kind of therapy and the right dose/type of ADs might just take the edge of the worst (suicidal) feelings on your darkest days.

Life has been so unfair but you are still here, still looking after your child and still sober, so in my books you are amazing. Hang in there xxx

Thanks so much Bunnies xxx

Well done on the 50 days Hep & Cold water therapy!

Coldwatertherapy - I am sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. You are a strong person keeping going and posting here. Please keep posting and chatting. This is not how it will always be for you, things will change and you will have better days. I've been to the depths of grief at one point in my life travelled to the otherside of the world to identify my wonderful sibling dead for no good reason, thought we as a family would never recover but we have and we've had those better days. I hope it is the same for you soon x

I am hoping my comment was not insensitive. I don't like when people pretend to know what anyone is going through, particularly at the loss of a partner and being away from family which I know nothing about. I just wanted to add that, I was just mentioning a dark time for me but it is probably not helpful to tell someone they will feel better. But I hope you do cold-watertherapy x