Leave alcohol behind and re-learn your life. The freedom thread.

[Drybird2020]

This is thread 6, the Anniversary Edition! Welcome to old hands and newbies! From Day 1 onwards, you’re all invited to share this safe, supportive and encouraging place.

If you've not yet decided whether total abstinence is for you, do feel free to ask questions but please be aware that discussion of drinking can be triggering, especially for those in the early stages of sobriety.

If you are still drinking, or planning on moderating (and this includes occasional or once in a blue moon drinking) have a look at the moderation threads, which might be a better fit for you.

It might help to have a read through the previous threads;

1 is here, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3781133-Anyone-else-stopping-completely-in-2020
and

and 5 here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4043965-YES-it-is-SO-worth-it-YES-it-gets-easier-and-YES-we-thought-it-was-impossible-as-well-its-not-A-thread-for-those-embracing-an-alcohol-free-existence?msgid=101761283

You'll find links to the others in there somewhere.

The 31st December is my Soberversary. I'm 2 stone lighter, I've taken up running, I'm better off, more present and more patient with my children, and I've found the courage to address some difficult and traumatic parts of my life. And I couldn’t have reached this point without the threads to keep me accountable, and my lovely sober buddies to keep me sane.

Congrats on 80 day @Cartooner!
I’m on 64.
I have a dinner tomorrow with a group of women who I don’t know really at all, our kids are friends - this is the 4th time they’ve asked and our kids will be in school together so felt I should buuuuut I’m struggling thinking of doing it without the few drinks I’d normally have.
I really thought (still think??) I’m my best self a few drinks in, especially in new situations, I’m naturally introverted and shy so it helped and then tricked me into thinking I can’t connect to new people without it - when I moved here I don’t think I would have made many friends without having the nights out drinking with them.
I know rationally this isn’t true but the belief is so ingrained in me.
They all seem like big enough drinkers too and one of them has always said ‘oh I can’t wait to get on the wine with you, you seem like great craic’ a few times.

Did anyone else struggle with first PMS without a drink? I'm raging inside (for no reason) everything is annoying me. Last month I would have got stuck into the wine and felt better. I'm at a loss. Day 20 and the cravings are the worse today since I stopped.

Geillis - yes indeed. My first lot of PMS without drink was AWFUL. Then it dramatically improved. Especially the anxiety and short fuse. Keep going and you'll see the benefits on your next cycle!

Thank you Pamela. I'm feeling really anxious too. Was a bit scared of the dark when I was out with the dogs earlier! Thought I was loosing the plot. Thank you for replying. I'm going to have an early night and hope tomorrow is a better day. I've been fine so far. Easier than I thought then bang, craving, wine. It makes me feel better knowing next month will be easier.

@DileenODoubts I think it's Catherine Gray who said that she tells people that she's not drinking any more, and that she'll probably be leaving a little earlier and checks that with the organiser. She plans how she's going to get home too.

Congratulations @Cartooner!

Hi
Dropping in again to say I've somehow reached 200 days, which is 6 and a half months now I think

I saw the other night that some of you were at 2.5 months, a few days etc- ime these are all really important milestones.

For me anyway every one of these days were quite eye opening or making me more 'aware' of myself, of my health and my family- just everything really. I'm not really articulating this well, but these days and weeks are foundational, so important, and not to be sneezed at. They are big steps, that you are more aware of, into a new future.

I'm hardly counting now, it just 'is' and I remember thinking at 2 days, a week, 2 months about how proud of myself I was- so I am totally in awe of those of you reaching those times too.

I'm not being complacent though, and I am learning to try and value / like myself. And my husband is getting a bit better now so I've been able to re start the yoga and running/ walking thanks to keeping motivated with all your running and exercise too!

Thanks guys, lovely posts.

@DileenODoubts I hear ya, my sister messaged me last week that she's dreaming of a night away and the two of us having a good catch up and G&Ts before dinner.... I bloody love that. I keep going back to gains leading the way but I do find myself stuck mentally at the thoughts of nights like that. Because I guess I started this actually only intending to take a month off! But now I want the full subscription

It's great to read about the milestones, and especial congratulations and high fives to everyone surviving wobbles and grinding through the gears of the first days and weeks. It's good that the thread is so busy with people posting regularly - it really works.

@DileenODoubts, I'm firmly in the camp of "fake it till you make it" - we are still in Jan so Dry January is the obvious way to explain not drinking. Or you could say you're recovering from a migraine, or you have to drive home. It's a white lie to protect yourself at a vulnerable stage. Later on when you are secure in your sobriety you can let people know the real reason if you want to, but really you don't owe anyone an explanation.

About the shyness... Is it really a bad thing to be introverted and shy? Some of my favourite people are naturally quiet, I find it so relaxing to be around. Maybe having kicked the booze you will have scope to value those qualities in yourself without self-judgement. People who are kind and genuine will notice what is special about you - you don't need to try to be different to the way you are. Booze is a false friend on many levels and one of them is the way it encourages us to project false versions of ourselves.

Great post Drybird, and I agree with all of that too - I gravitate naturally more towards shyer quieter types. Louder people make me a bit nervous. Dileen - I imagine in this group of ladies there will be a mixture of different types, and the sober you will find the people you REALLY gel with as the REAL you (not just the ones that you have stuff in common with when you are the false tipsy you which can never be sustained).

Cartooner - can you imagine that scenario with your sister, but with a lovely beautiful tonic water in a glass (ask the barman to load it up with lime and herbs, whaterver your pleasure), you'll still be having the gorgeous time with your sister but you'll be able to relish it and be 100% present.

100 - thank you so much for that post. I'm the 2.5 month one and I really appreciated hearing that. Am really interested in hearing about anyone's 'journey' beyond the couple of month stage - sorta feel that the most dramatic changes happen right at the beginning and I want something to look forward to, in the way of discoveries in this sober life!

Day 11 here. It is great to hear you @100PercentMe when you say you are hardly counting the days, something for me to look forward too. Congratulations on reaching such a great milestone.

And well done to everyone for getting through those wobbles as @Drybird2020 so perfectly writes.

One thing (amongst so many) I have noticed since stopping, is that I feel quite sad.

Usually I’m upbeat, find the positive in everything, but I feel the opposite. I’m not sure if I’m being overly introspective (I’m doing Annie Grace) or if alcohol was allowing me to be more carefree, (which doesn’t sound right as I hated how it controlled me). Is this just an adjustment period? Has anyone else felt this in the early days? Thanks.

Day 34 - I’d forgotten to do the ‘I am sober’ app for several days so I’m obviously not counting the days so much.
@Brainfreeze1 I’m doing Annie Grace too and I had a couple of tearful days, but could be hormonal, could be the crappy restrictions. I hadn’t even considered it due to lack of booze. It could be all that introspection - I was given myself massive guilt trips until a couple of days ago. The psychology wrapped up with all of this is tricky to untangle. Plus we are not being sober in a vacuum - so much else is going on! Allow yourself to be sad? It’s ok you know. You don’t have to be carefree all the time.

@Brainfreeze1 but at the same time please don’t beat yourself about anything. For me I think the sadness was around guilt. The Annie Grace video yesterday (day 20 I think as I’m behind) was all about how we speak to ourselves. How sadness/depression etc is 90% internal and 10% external. So massively that blooming voice in our heads effects our mood. Maybe your voice isn’t been too kind at the moment. She also talked about a ‘toolbox’, which has been mentioned on here lots. In hers is exercise, meditation, calling a friend etc. Mine’s just full of chocolate, which turns out not to be the best due to dopamine etc. But it did make me think. A lot of this is quite thought provoking, reflective and introspective so I think we have to ride these real emotions. Look at our toolbox and the quality of it too. Mmm that sounds a bit ‘woo-woo, hippy’ but I’m hoping it makes sense.

@Drybird2020 yes you’re totally right, all my close friends that I really connect with are those that I’ve bonded with as myself, not the ‘three drinks in’ self that I thought I needed to connect.

I relied so heavily on ‘let’s go for a drink together, we must get drinks etc to fast track a friendship - and I think it’s really common.

I love in one of the quit lit books - maybe Alan Carr - it talks about kids making friends and playing together at a party or whatever. First they’re a little shy and hesitant and then they all have fun and are no longer self conscious. He says adults start relaxing too after a bit of time and be less self conscious but we think we need the alcohol to do that whereas if we’re patient and can sit in the discomfort, it’ll happen naturally anyway.

That neural pathway ‘awkwardness, discomfort = solve with alcohol’ is laid down in my brain. I was thinking about it and saw the thread title ‘relearn your life’ and thought yep relearn how to make friends.

@Cartooner yes, I am stuck mentally with that too. Like a weird feeling of letting people down when they say they can’t wait for a night out with you!?
Do I remember you saying you’re Irish too?

@Brainfreeze1 I’m on day 65 so I don’t have loads of time behind me and my longest stretch has been 5 months but my negative emotions the first two months were a lot more intense than usual. I think it’s because we spent so much time avoiding them, changing them through alcohol or attributing them to alcohol that they feel so intense at the beginning. I felt really pissed off actually, like I was told I’d feel better not worse!!
There are moments of pure clarity and contentment in between though and they feel as intensely good as the bad ones feel intensely bad, I think in time the balance shifts and we get a better handle on the negative emotions - hope so anyway!

Hi all, just checking in (like @100PercentMe - congrats to you!) because I've also just gone past 200 days - stick with it those of you at the early stages because it just gets better

Thanks again @Drybird2020 for this excellent thread (and all the earlier ones)!

@Stayingvigilant and @DileenODoubts thank you for your replies, so many emotions as you say and yes, so much going on in our lives outside of what we are achieving. I think I will just go with it and sit with it, I feel quite raw but actually it’s preferable to hazy and headachey!

Congratulations @Ravenswick! 200 days must feel brilliant.

A day of small disappointments and irritations here - somehow alcohol is more of a draw on days like this. I know that it won't fix the pandemic, but a small voice is pointing out that it could make me feel a bit better about my film negatives that didn't turn out so well or the way that virtual coffees with friends always have that sad hangover afterwards of missing being with them even more. So I have ticked off my day as alcohol free anyway and made a cup of tea.

@Brainfreeze1 is there anyone to chat to in real life? I know what you mean by feeling raw. Are you ok?

Ah @Blackberryblossom I’ve just had a zoom call with friends I’ve not seen for a year - we’d normally do a face to face reunion. It feels rubbish. I now feel quite glum too. Nothing to do with alcohol & everything to do with the restrictions and a lack of socialising.

@Stayingvigilant oh thank you for your kind words and sympathy. Yes, I have friends and family to talk too. I haven’t really shared my not drinking with anyone apart from my husband so maybe I should, to talk it through...I like the idea of a toolbox, I’m going to the shops now so will get myself some treats!

Just a quickie to say amazing to get to 200 days 100percentme fab to see you get there

How did I miss @100PercentMe on 200 days? Congratulations!

I'm sorry you had the same post-Zoom sad too @Stayingvigilant. It's a friend that I used to see regularly to climb with. Then covid happened so we switched to walking. And in this lockdown we're just a bit too far apart to both still be "local" and walk together so we're zooming instead. I realised this evening that if course alcohol wouldn't help. Thank you for replying

Oh I missed 100PercentMe too! Wow! Huge well done.
Thing is our reunions are usually incredibly boozy but I know when we do meet face to face I’ll be on the softies - tonight I’ve realised that’d be fine. It wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Up until now I’ve thought it would, but with this particular group it absolutely wouldn’t. It’d be better actually. So although I felt a bit down there’s been an up too.

Wow busy thread!!! I struggle to keep track at the mo but I just wanted to say a massive well done to @100PercentMe🤩🥳💪