Wankerbastards will upset us that try, but we will still be dry. Or dryer at a push. It's a good job we are not in a rush.

[Frouby]

Thread 6 for the Tryers to be Dryers.

Support thread for reducing alcohol, stopping alcohol, monitoring alcohol. All welcome, absolutely no judgement. Whatever your aims with alcohol come and join us here. Lots of swearing but no judging or criticising.

Previous threads dotted around but can never do clicky links.

My DM keeps sending me missives from the North Frouby. She reckons she's on hour 49 of pelting rain now. It's been more mixed here so can cope with the mad storms.

Senseless, ironically you talk much sense. I am terrible at giving headspace to things that don't need it as well. I am always casting my mind into the future rather than just living in the present. Should try mindfulness or other guff but I guess you can go too far the other way and let things sneak up on you.

Flossie, I am in awe of your dd and you. If there's anyone on this thread who shines loveliness it's you. You have so much difficult stuff of your own to cope with but always find room in your heart for someone else.

On way to work away day. Have no idea what it involves. Presumably descent into drinking at some point but I have another meeting back at the office plus need to chase down boss for references

Longest your mum’s in the NW isn’t she? It’s been pissing down for days. There was a brief break on Sunday for me to paint my back gate, but it was short lived.
Waves to everyone else. My head is pounding and my ribs hurt from coughing. I need to get dressed and get some work done, but I can’t face going out in the pissing rain.

She is indeed NC4. But further South than you, in a town known for its Tudor shopping streets and Roman walls. Was in theory a lovely place to grow up but I never quite felt I fitted in. I am neither very WAG nor very Cheshire country set. Is nice to visit though.

Had a good work day. Away day was actually quite refreshing, rather than the usual corporate false cheer, though I did come away feeling rather like we are heading into war, and it involved a nice venue and free lunch which are rare treats in the public sector.

Was only really an away half day though so also got something important off my desk, had a good chat with someone important but approachable about the staff network I am running and my boss, who isn't known for his effusion, wrote some lovely things in my reference for long shot application. Is still a long shot and I am not wholly sure I even want it, but feels good not to have been laughed off the stage for entertaining the idea.

Am open minded about wine tonight. Will be guided by DH I think.

Welcome Bella. Totally hear you on the "deserve" stuff.

You raise some interesting questions senseless. I certainly can be a people pleaser at times though am no doormat. My problem is I tend to end up having rows and feeling shit when I do try to draw boundaries, either with DH or with friends and family. Will be watching with interest for tips about how to navigate it successfully.

That’s me too Longest. It’s very hard - I don’t want to fall out with people but I don’t want to have my life dictated by someone else’s agenda. I had very poor boundaries till recently. I read one of those online quote things the other day that said: the only people who will mind you setting boundaries are those who want to overstep them - or something like that. It struck a chord.

Your home town is a lovely place to go shopping 😀

I’m bored of being ill now. My house is a tip, and I have no energy to go to the gym or anything. I’m just flopping around. I went out and got a bit of work done but only on fear of financial ruin if I don’t. It was a rather half-arsed affair. I don’t even fancy wine.

Flossie, I am in awe of your dd and you. If there's anyone on this thread who shines loveliness it's you. You have so much difficult stuff of your own to cope with but always find room in your heart for someone else. Longest, I was going to try to say something like this, but you have said it so much better.

Senseless, I might as well not bother posting about DP at all, as you are saying it all for me. I'm such a fucking people pleaser. If I weren't, I'd have left XH when the DC were babies, and taken out a NC order on him. As it was, I kept thinking things would get better if only I could do the one magical thing that would cure everything and make everyone happy. FML.

Anyway, Day 2 is an epic fail. DP has now upset me. I did various things for him today, and he has subsequently failed to reply to the one text I sent him (not sending any more, and not ringing him, because I am not going to look needy and pathetic).

At least I managed two days. Tomorrow will be a write off as well because a friend is coming to stay for a night. Her DH owns a gin distillery, so she is bringing samples.

It has rained all day, and is raining now. The forecast tomorrow is rain. I am sick of bloody rain.

NC4, we need a photo of the glow-stick vits, please. I had horrendous restless legs when pg, and still have them a bit now.

Frouby, please send me some of your moderating strength!

Welcome, Bella.

I reckon Frouby has quite a lot to teach us about assertiveness as well as moderation. Frouby, you seem to be able to draw boundaries without causing conflict - can you share your Frouby wisdom?

Christ don't look at me for moderation, am doing OK at the minute but it's only because I am in fatclub. If it wasn't for the fact that I am paying a fiver to get weighed each week I would be knocking back a can of carling right now.

Am assertive though. I avoid conflict wherever I can by being super nice and by avoiding conflict.

So for instance it's my nephews birthday on the end of the month. He will be 1 so no idea of what's going on. Have heard from another sister that instead of the softplay meet up and lunch she had originally said she was doing, dsis is having a party at home.

From previous kids parties this will be 30 odd adults and children crammed into a small 3 bed semi. The kids will be wired to the moon. Adults will be a mix of us and her dps family.

I really can't stand her dp. He is the most arrogant, racist, misogynistic, arrogant, entitled jumped up wankerbastard you could ever wish to meet. He also has MS (recently diagnosed, he was all those things before) so it's not really the done thing to burn him face first with a blowtorch which is what I want to do.

So the choice is go to the party and waste a Saturday teatime hating every fucking minute. Or avoid party without saying 'am not coming cos your blokes a knobber and makes me stabby'.

So because she hasn't done the official invite yet I have invited my lovely friends for either a BBQ or a curry night on that date. So conversation will be 'oh fuck sis, wish you had said earlier, thought it was softplay and lunch still, have got lovely friends coming for bbq/curry night so will have to pass, do you want anything in particular for nephew or would you prefer cash in a card? Good job he's only 1 and won't miss aunty frouby really'.

Anyone else asks me for anything if I am not sure I want to do it, I say will have to check calander at home, dcs have a few parties/events/commitments coming up.

If I know I dont want to do it I just say 'sorry, it's not my thing, but have fun'.

And if it's for help with something again it depends who is asking and what they want. Dsis with babysitting favours gets a straight no these days because she is the Queen of Cheeky Fucker. Uses her funded childminders hours to go ride her horse then scrounges round for babysitter at weekends so she can work.

If it's one of my other sisters then I do help because they aren't cheeky fuckers. Lovely cousin I absolutely help because she is amazing. Cheeky fucker friend who constantly asks for help with paperwork gets referred to google these days or told to come to mine and I will help if she gets stuck with it. But don't have time for other peoples life admin.

DH sometimes pushes his luck. Inviting people over is a big thing or arranging things for me to do. But he's learnt not to after I refused point blank to go to yet another BBQ hosted by people I can't stand.

I am a bit selfish sometimes but life really is too short to spend it doing things you don't want to do. I don't mind compromising sometimes and obviously it would be unfair to dh to only ever do what I want to do. But weekends are precious and it's ok to be selfish with them. We have a one on, one off weekend rule. So I don't mind socializing 1 weekend, but the following weekend I want to relax.

Senseless if you don't want a serious pipe and slippers relationship don't have one. If I ever split with DH the last thing I would want is another serious relationship. I would want a nice FWB set up, one night a fortnight would suit me perfectly. And I would only ever want their A game. And I think it's OK to say that is what you want. Women are made to feel like they should be in a serious relationship or at least looking for one. When a lot of the time we don't. We are also conditioned to be on our A game to 'catch a man'. Abd it's OK for a man to be tired or distracted or stressed and we should rub his feet and his ego while cooking for him. Fuck.That.

I think (totally random theory here, based on nothing more than a few observations) that more women are coming out as gay or bi in their 30s and 40s post divorce because they really don't want a typical male/female relationship anymore but still want the companionship and a relationship. Am not saying they are lying about their sexuality but I can see the attraction of another 'husband' but not necessarily a male one.

Anyway, thats a long and waffly post. Am dry again tonight after 3 becks blue which is very gassy. Had sweet and sour prawn stirfry with noodles for dinner and it was lush, really enjoyed it. Off to bed shortly, was up at 5.30am working. Did school run this morning then worked til 2pm, fed chooks, picked ds up, did tescos shop with whining ds and a stroppy dd (didn't have her tights in and she couldn't possibly compromise on denier 🙈), did another hours work, walked dog and got wet again which dog hates, fed ds, fed me and DH and had a shower and now bloody knackered.

DH thinks I do too much to avoid conflict with anyone other than him. I don't know if that's true. He's the opposite of easygoing and I feel uncomfortable drawing tighter boundaries than I would want to wrt my mum in particular, though she's hard work I admit. I get caught in the middle.

And then there's by bff who is a generous soul and would happily give as much as she takes but measures her relationships on terms of how supportive people are and if I say I can go this far and no further she takes great offence, especially if I try and do it preemptively rather than waiting till I am on my knees begging for mercy.

Dsis is the one person who manages not to lay on a guilt trip. My dad was the same - somehow managed to convey gratitude and pride without the weight of expectation. It's a rare gift I think and I love(d) them both for it.

Not AF. As you can probably tell by my pontificating tone. Is healthy drinking though I think as feeling ok.

Longest, your Dsis sounds lovely. My Dsis is good, but distanced (geographically and psychologically). There's nothing healthy about my drinking tonight, but thank God for you lovely Tryers. DP did finally ring me to say he was tired and has a cold. I was kind and sympathetic, having spent the previous hour crying and feeling sorry for myself (not least as I also have a horrible cold, but have not mentioned this to him, or even to myself until 5 seconds ago). I need a dose of Froubyness.

hey thank you everyone for all the great thoughts on conflict, conflict resolution and avoidance, assertiveness and people-pleasing-ness.

Frouby - " I would want a nice FWB set up, one night a fortnight would suit me perfectly. And I would only ever want their A game." That's what I thought I wanted! But then I fell for this guy so that a. I'd struggle to share him and I don't think fwbs can ask for exclusivity and b. I can't have him on that basis, he won't operate that way (he kind of tried to at the beginning when I said that was what I wanted).

Once a fortnight - check. A game - yes. I kind of said that in text last night when I said something like "Let's work out how we can best realistically operate as busy people, rather than optimistically pretending we're not" which in context was supposed to be gentle code for: I'd rather you cancelled than brought an exhausted and distracted excuse for a man. Do you think that's too vague? He said "let's talk tomorrow" or, arguably, "get lost"

The irony is that he can barely afford more time than that for me, if he actually can, and I don't think he'll find anyone more traditionally pipes-and-slippersy who will be ok with how incredibly busy and over-committed he is. And I genuinely am - no pressure.

Basically, I'm a catch and he should be bloody lovely to me, is what I'm saying :)

Longestlurker - I think what you are saying relates to that "languages of love" idea where, for some people, you are basically saying "you don't care about me" when you don't do certain things that they want. And some of those things are just too hard for you / us / whoever.

Dionysa - sorry your DP upset you. Do you feel taken for granted? He's an idiot. Hate that "can't text any more / why the fuck won't he text" feeling. Fucking hate it.

NC4 - sorry you're ill.

I don't feel great physically but mentally I feel a million times better. I worked from home today, got loads done, started early and worked really solidly and efficiently. I really need alone time and I really needed a good night's sleep after being kept up so much of monday night - even one crap night ruins me - I was a wreck when my children were babies. Even the rain doesn't disagree with me, though I'd like a proper summer as well at some point, please. Exchanged some friendly and sweet texts with an old fwb who is now just a f; and with some old woman friends whom I'm super fond of, about possibly making summer plans. so yeah feeling the love. It matters. I need these strokes.

No booze tonight. Feeling fat after making and eating scones. But no booze.

Sending strength and courage to you all

x-post Dionysa. So he finally called.... but didn't leave you feeling any better :(

Wow. Passing through. Not only have you chatted so much. But the biggest thing I see from you all is utterly bloody gorgeous fabulous souls. You are all so selfless. Seriously kind folk. So is this why we all drink?? Because if we don’t drink we become wankerbastards?? And that alcohol numbs the effects of the wankerbastards around us??

Dion - you really are sooo kind to dp. I know you love him. I too have been where you are and often still find myself there. Hoping and praying that he will show some love and thoughtfulness. Tears when he doesn’t. Then when he contacts, you are so damn relieved that you are extra nice. I wish you could be that kind to yourself. You truly are lovely.

Longest - you too are kind. Your dp, I know is poorly, but poorlyness isn’t excuse to be mean. You deserve to be cherished. As for your mum, I find that mine has reversed into a child as she’s got older. She has tantrums and is so demanding.

Senseless - how do you feel? Have you thought long term as to what you want and need?? Be selfish and know your needs.

Frouby - I want some of your strength. You are inspirational.

NC4 - I hope you get better soon. You must feel exhausted.

As for me..had big meeting about dd. Held at hospital. 12 people present. Was deep. Dh came. Was proud that we showed united front regarding her care. Was sad though that we keep getting told how severe this shit is. Doesn’t help. I came away a bit out of it. This eve I got a text from one of the professionals asking how we were after the meeting. But I can’t answer as I really don’t know how I’m feeling!! Numb?!
Dh has decided not to drink during the week. Making me feel even more shit for wanting to get shit faced tonight. Had a small glass of white. Then shared a bottle of red with ds. Who has arrived home for a week!!
(Just looked and there a quarter of bottle red left!! So not too bad!!)

(Does a large glass of white in my risotto count?!)

Risotto wine definitely does not count Flossie. All the alcohol cooks off. It’s for flavour only.

You guys have so much collective wisdom and kindness. I’m reading it all with a nodding head while failing to retain much or articulate my own thoughts. My head’s fried.

I wish I could share the issue with my friend but it would be hugely outing. I think you lovelies would know how to handle it.

I’ve been asked to do a job in Manchester tomorrow which means either sitting in traffic or risk standing on the train (which may make me feint). I really can’t turn work down now though. I already had a week of not working on holiday.

Mostly I love being a self employed single parent, but this week it would be good to have someone else bringing in the bacon.

But hey. Day five and not even tempted. Silver linings and all.

NC4 Day Five??

Flossie, huge hugs. I'm glad you and DH were at least able to present a united front about DD2. Wine in risotto is nothing. Cooked wine is genuinely not alcoholic. So you have moderated v well (unlike me).

Senseless, your username ought to be 'Sensible'! I wish I could have a dose of whatever you have, rather than being a complete pushover.

NC4, I hope you sort out the friend problem. Good luck tomorrow.

Fuck. Really really stupidly gutted now.
Have spent half an hour childishly trying to download a silent ring tone in case he calls, which he almost certainly won't.

I really didn't think I would land here with this guy. I've got to do something

I had this mad period of time where there was .... enough. he was enough and I was enough for him. I am so unused to satisfaction. I don't mean sex (just sex - sex is important). But that feeling for once of having the cold desperate hunger turned off - and feeling someone else feeling the same, feeling happy and relaxed and in the sun.
It's gone. I'm alone again and chasing what I can't have again.

The reason why I drink is because it's the only thing where you can keep getting more, they don't cut you off. you can't eat as much as you want. you can't sleep as much as you want. No one loves you as much as you want. Your children love you, but you are never enough for them - it's a hungry pecking love riven with scarcity and inadequacy and guilt.

I want that man, but I want him like it was before, before he said he loved me and when I was free. He was so careful, I had no idea what he was doing because he was being so gentle and cautious, thinking that trying to be my boyfriend or talking about love would scare me off (he was right). And then we fell into this and now he's comfortable and I'm not.

Is there any way of going back to that or do I have to burn it down and start again?

Oh guys, you're making me well up. I don't know why I drink. To take the edge off a cruel world I suppose. Everything is so open and so raw and so hollow and empty without it. And I don't know why. I love my girls. I love my friends. I like my job and my simple pleasures like reading and swimming. Like senseless there was a time not that long ago when I was genuinely happy. When I was in my 20s and had finally become happy and content in myself and had a crew of mates I loved
When Dd1 was little and I felt I had everything I ever wanted. Then I got greedy I suppose. I wanted dc2 so badly, and the miscarriages cast a shadow that has just grown and grown with DH's illness and my mum getting herself involved with an unsuitable partner that's put a strain on my marriage, and I am not the mum I hoped I would be to the girls when I am stressed. And world events have scarred me and made me feel like all my values and my optimism about the world have been torn up and thrown in my face. It's affected my friends too I think, along with the usual trials and tribulations of life, and meeting up with them isn't the sunshine it used to be, there's a darkness.

Senseless you are right about the languages of love with bff. We did have a showdown followed by a heart to heart once and she's been making a big effort not to flake on me quite so much, so I feel the need to make a big effort to be supportive to the maximum I can manage.

Still arguing with DH. We work near each other so may see if he can manage a lunchtime stroll.

Sorry for self indulgence. Thanks for listening. Love and hugs all round.

Just catching up from the past couple of days & the magnesium deficiency thing is very interesting.

I was off work yesterday but spent the day feeling very very low, lacking in energy & really tired which was unexpected it was Day 3 AF so thought i'd start feeling the benefits :-(

Going to start on the luminous wee vitamins - how long will it be before I notice a difference (if that's what the problem is)?

bellalou1234 - welcome

Dionysa - 2 days is better than 0 days

Flossie - sounds like a tough time with Dd, hope it's all ok

Well done to all if AF or moderate, for those that aren't, today is another day

longest - your post sounded so sad, I hope your ok, sounds like your having such a tough time & beating yourself up about things a fair bit. Try & be kind & forgiving to yourself & maybe list the positive parts of what you feel bad about eg the great mum you are to your girls when not stressed

Senseless and Longest, you both write so well about this. I am too hungover to write anything much at all (plus am at work and in a hurry), but will try to tomorrow (won't be this evening due to gin friend visiting). xx

These are the vitamins I take. If I’m not fighting lurgy I find they kick in within a couple of days - almost instantly. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you about the disco pee!

Flying through. Longest totally relate to so much of that. I want it to be 1997 again. We must be due a Renaissance?

This tribunal is very boring. I’m sat in a corner trying and failing to regularly my body temperature.

Back later.

Had lunch with DH. Feel a bit better for now. One must imagine Sisyphus happy after all.

NC4, I really feel for you feeling so rotten for so long. And Dion too.

Senseless - your feelings of drinking being the one thing you can keep getting. It’s so true. I drink for control. For the fuck it button to be pressed. For me to have what I think is control..yet really it’s my lack of control that’s making me drink. But it’s the one thing that I can do and keep doing. You’re so right.

Most days I just want to blot out the pain that’s eating away inside me. Knawing relentlessly at my inner self. I also think I do it to numb what’s around the corner. Almost anticipating shit to happen so numb myself ready for it.
I find it hard to exercise. I bloody love it. But I have no respite and can’t do anything alone. Even when dd is at school, I’m on call and stay nearby. I really want to be the healthier version of myself.
When I was in my 20’s I didn’t drink. I was tee total. I exercised and trained hard, and competed. I was in control, fit, healthy and proud. I am now not proud. I’m disgusted. Yet I still do it. And am already wanting wine!!

Longest - I really feel the warmth from you. You care so much. Your friend knows this and maybe plays on this? Also..and I hope you won’t be offended by my honesty..your dh..does he know how emotionally exhausted you are by the situation?? How did the chat go? I worry that he is able to go to work and function, but then comes home and ‘opts out’ because he knows he can. He again seems to be taking your kindness and not giving back. Please be kind to you too. You will burn out.

Dion - i hope you have fun with your gin friend. She sounds like my perfect pal 😂

NC4 - I hate that feeling of begging your body temp to self regulate. I hope you get better soon x

As for me..ds home. He’s 22 and at uni 7hrs away. Was nice Eve last night. He was pleasant and seemed a gent. Haven’t seen him since dec. We don’t always see eye to eye. He is arrogant and righteous. And I don’t like either of those traits. This morn he’s tried to assert his authority again. Which I’ve found hard to be strong with. But I think I have.
Dd2 managed a couple hrs at school this pm which was nice for her.
I’m just feeling generally emotionally knackered. The meeting yesterday really has taken it out of me. I want my dd better. I want to know exactly the cause of her illness. But still no one can tell me. They just say it’s so incredibly rare. That doesn’t help as a mum. I want to make her better yet can see her getting worse!!

Wines in the fridge!! I need to get a grip and be strong. Instead I feel weak and teary. But won’t cry cos if I do, I won’t stop!! Hence the wine!!

Fuck that was a long one!! Sorry!! 😳