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Adoption

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Original poster

Reasons not to adopt

325 replies

Anon42153 · 22/10/2020 20:20

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 22/10/2020 20:26

I’d be happy to adopt if confident we were going to be able to raise the child autonomously, without constant involvement from SS and the child’s biological parents. Probably makes me sound like a shit. Blush

user1473878824 · 22/10/2020 20:27

What are yours?

purpleme12 · 22/10/2020 20:29

I don't think I could cope with social services probing into my life and who I am for assessments.

Cloud21 · 22/10/2020 20:29

Hi OP,

We tried through private and council agencies about 6 or 7 years ago so things may have changed.

My partner did not like the fact that the birth family were allowed and encouraged to still communicate in writing to the child, particularly for birthdays and other celebrations.

In most cases, in our experience, a lot of children in the age bracket we were after had alcohol-related issues such as foetal alcohol syndrome or were victims of abuse due to alcoholism.

That’s why my DH decided we could not proceed.

CounsellorTroi · 22/10/2020 20:30

We chose not to adopt because we genuinely felt we were not cut out for it. Just because you are infertile does not automatically mean you will be a good adoptive parent.

riotlady · 22/10/2020 20:31

I absolutely would if I didn’t have children already. I don’t think I would adopt if I had children in the house already, I think it’s unlikely that it would be in their best interests.

K00kiEe · 22/10/2020 20:32

I don't think I'd be able to handle the behaviours that stem from trauma they might have faced, I'm just not cut out for it.

Anothermother3 · 22/10/2020 20:34

I can’t say what I would have done if children hadn’t happened but I do think that many adopted children have neurodevelopmental disorders or complex trauma and I’d want to enter into that knowing what the extent of that was. I’m not sure I’m with the right partner to be a good adoptive couple tbh

flaviaritt · 22/10/2020 20:35

I also looked into getting a rescue dog recently, and it looked like enough paperwork to requisition the North Atlantic Fleet. So I dread to think how much there’d be for a child.

Original poster
Anon42153 · 22/10/2020 20:36

Thank you for your responses. Not actually for myself but for a family member who is in this situation now. I can think of all the wonderful reasons to adopt - giving a child a loving home and making a difference. I just want to give a balanced response as I’ve been asked my opinion so don’t just want to give all positive, want to highlight any difficulties too. I can only see positives I don’t know what any negatives would be. I suppose cost?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon42153 · 22/10/2020 20:39

That must be very unsettling for the child and adopted parents if biological parents are encouraged to maintain a relationship. I hadn’t thought of that.

OP posts:
IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 22/10/2020 20:40

DH and I have discussed this (we have two biological children) and our best friends just adopted a baby girl - honestly my main reason for saying no is because I would not want to adopt a child to “give it a better life”, I think (and it’s only my opinion) that you should adopt because you want to be a parent, you want a child to bring up and love. As soon as it becomes a worthy or charitable thing to do the child isn’t fully your child, IYSWIM.

Not saying this is your situation at all by the way, just that it’s mine and because of this I think we’ll look instead at fostering once our children are adults

Ludoole · 22/10/2020 20:41

Going against the grain, my dad was adopted 65 years ago. It saved his life and he was the best dad I could wish for....
Back then everyone called him a "cuckoo" but adoption can be so amazing. My dad loved his adoptive mother so much.
Make your decision just be sure. Bless you for your fertility issues. There are beautiful, wonderful children who need a home they just haven't had a great beginning ❤

nevermorelenore · 22/10/2020 20:42

We looked into it after having trouble concieving our second. As others have said, the constant SS involvement and potential issues with the birth family were considerations. The thing that put me off in the end was that I am estranged from some of my family and it's a very complicated situation. I was concerned that SS might contact them as part of the process and they couldn't assure me that they wouldn't.

FTMF30 · 22/10/2020 20:43

There's an adoption theme on the Metro website. You might need to scroll down abit but there's a few articles on there with first hand experience.

metro.co.uk

riotlady · 22/10/2020 20:43

@Anon42153

Thank you for your responses. Not actually for myself but for a family member who is in this situation now. I can think of all the wonderful reasons to adopt - giving a child a loving home and making a difference. I just want to give a balanced response as I’ve been asked my opinion so don’t just want to give all positive, want to highlight any difficulties too. I can only see positives I don’t know what any negatives would be. I suppose cost?
Children who have been adopted have experienced at least one trauma- being separated from their birth family. That’s at a minimum. They are very likely to have experienced other traumas as well, whether that is neglect, abuse, moving through different foster families, and on top of that may have medical problems or have been exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb. They may not be able to attach to parents or family members in the typical way, they will probably display some very challenging behaviours. Lots of adoptive parents do an amazing job but I think “oh you’re helping a child, what are the negatives” is a very naive view.
IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 22/10/2020 20:44

Is it always the case the biological family are involved? Our friends adopted in the US so it’s different but basically adopted while the birth mum was still
Pregnant and it’s a fully closed adoption so she can never get in touch with their daughter

KitKatastrophe · 22/10/2020 20:45

Many children are facing adoption because they have faced trauma, abuse or neglect. I dont think I would be cut out for dealing with that, especially in an older child. You dont have that automatic love which you have for a biological child and they for you. Although of course you would grow to love them very much, so it would be harder to deal with difficult behaviour in the beginning.

I would also be concerned about being ousted by birth parents later in life.

LockdownLove · 22/10/2020 20:46

There are some quite starling generalisations on this thread from people who do not appear to be part of the adoption triad.

@Anon42153 may I suggest you post on the adoption board under Becoming A Parent. You will find lots of good advice from people experienced and knowledgeable about the subject.

Cloud21 · 22/10/2020 20:47

There’s an adoption section on MN, OP.

Under ‘Becoming a parent’. Posting over there may help, or there may already be some threads there.

ReggaetonLente · 22/10/2020 20:47

My dad was adopted, as I was growing up they also fostered and we bridged a lot of children to adoption.

Imo adoption is not an immediate answer to infertility, and is also not the holy grail of a decent care system.

And agree that adopting out of 'charity' almost never works out. Its a tough, tough thing to do - i have my own children now and would never do it.

About 1 in 3 adoptions break down in the first couple of years - a huge taboo but utterly destructive for all involved.

Givemeabreak88 · 22/10/2020 20:47

I wouldn’t adopt as it isn’t for me. It’s not something I want to do.

Cloud21 · 22/10/2020 20:47

Oh! X-post with PP Smile x

OchonAgusOchonO · 22/10/2020 20:47

I wasn't in that situation but if I was, I wouldn't adopt. Most adoptions where I live are overseas adoptions of children between 1 and 2 years old. I think overseas adoption can be quite corrupt and not necessarily in the best interests of the child.

But the main reason I wouldn't adopt is I don't think I would ever really see the child as truly mine. I adore my kids but I don't think I would feel the same about a child I didn't give birth to. I'm not suggesting this is how adoptive parents feel, it's just how I feel.

RHOBHfan · 22/10/2020 20:48

You may be better posting on the adoption board OP

But the main ‘negative’ is that adopting a child is not like bringing up a birth child.

Adopted children, in the uk, are overwhelmingly removed from their birth parents due to abuse and neglect. This abuse and neglect can have significant impacts on brain development that can be very long lasting.

These effects can range from barely noticeable to very severe. Often the full effects aren’t discovered until teenage years.... many years after an adoption has taken place. If people go into adoption thinking ‘all these children need is love’, they’re are likely to be very much mistaken

Your relative needs to spend a significant amount of time researching the effects of developmental trauma on the developing brain and really... really... thinking about whether they could parent children who have suffered this.

Of course, not all adopted children are severely affected. The ratio we were given was 20% not affected (or very mild), 70% moderate issues, 20% severe issues. It will more likely happen than not.