Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

For those of us that have taken that leap of faith and have adopted there will be as many different experiences as there are families. As for my own personal experience (apologies to the OP if this is more positive than you asked for). I was given a very detailed background on my child’s birth family and mentally prepared myself for the worst. Five years in and he is a bright, happy and sociable little boy and the light of my life and while there is still a long road ahead we are a very happy little family with no problems to speak of. I do not regret my decision to adopt one bit. I am not here to tell people that they should adopt. Some people are clearly unsuited. Those who can’t see past the child’s birth families possible involvement in criminal activity are not going to be the right people to claim and love that child. As an adopter people approach me in real life asking about whether adoption is right for them and I’ve helped them work through that decision. In some cases it is and in some cases it isn’t. For many of the people on this thread adoption is clearly not for you. And that’s fine. Why are you still here?

Dp and myself spoke about adoption. We didn't even get to speak to a sw. the lady in the office told us we would not be considered as we don't have a huge support network local to us. Apparently you cannot have a small circle of mates and adopt 🙄.
We are having one final dc instead

Apparently you cannot have a small circle of mates and adopt 🙄.

You do need to seek, and create a large support network for adoption. That can change once children are placed, but yes, being the type of person who relies on one or two people for everything won't work.

@percypetulant

Apparently you cannot have a small circle of mates and adopt 🙄.

You do need to seek, and create a large support network for adoption. That can change once children are placed, but yes, being the type of person who relies on one or two people for everything won't work.

It would have been nice to speak to a sw though. Doesn't matter anymore though as we have a baby due next year.

So, you hadn't let go of the idea of having a birth child, then? Something else that should be screened out, so fair dos.

@percypetulant

So, you hadn't let go of the idea of having a birth child, then? Something else that should be screened out, so fair dos.

To be honest speaking to adopters since and reading these threads we wouldn't want our whole lives dissected. Contacting former partners is quite

I have a disabled child and don't want to have another to care for . It's very hard and you have to fight for every bit of support out there.

So @lyinginthegutterstaringatstars, you don't want to/aren't suitable to adopt. That's ok.

Contacting former partners is quite hmm

Until the former partner explains the relationship ended because of abuse, or that the prospective adopter hasn’t disclosed significant health issues, or couldn’t cope with children in the relationship. Of course sw are alert to ex-partners who for whatever reason want to make life difficult but exploring previous relationships can give insight relevant to the process.

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars I think that when you have a SN child it can really take it out of you, your priorities change, there is less time for friends, quality of friendship becomes more important than quantity, and so it isn't surprising you have a small circle. Adopters often say that they nominate a support circle during the assessment but after they adopt things change, and the support circle changes too, and it might be for the same reasons. I think it would be more important to make sure an adopter is the sort of person who knows how and when to get help when they need it. A poster has said "being the type of person who relies on one or two people for everything won't work" but the reality for most adults is that friendships are about friendship not reliance. But anyway, the way adoption is done including assessments is under review and if you want to adopt in the future when your dc are older then it might be worth trying again then. As you say, right now you are now having another baby and so congratulations and best wishes about that

Reasons I would not want to adopt are
. I have bio dc and it's exhausting already.
. It's expensive- I have been told you need at least £5,000 savings due to the requirement not to work for a year after the adoption is finalised
. References from ex partners
. All the paperwork/ course work/ voluntary work
. It's invasive ( ex partner references, sw/ pannels grilling you about your life)
. The majority of the children needing a family have suffered abuse, neglect or have complicated sn
.most children needing a family are also older, If we adopted we would prefer a baby.

@mummytolittledragons UGH not children who have suffered abuse and neglect.

You don't need any savings to adopt. You need to be financially stable, and to be able to take adoption leave (equal to maternity leave). Savings help, obviously.

It's ok, and wise, to recognise if you aren't the type of person who can parent a child who has suffered abuse, neglect, etc. I don't think we should shame people for being self aware.

@percypetulant I think it’s lovey (genuinely) that you see the good in that post and think the poster is being self-aware. And I agree, respect to people who know they couldn’t do this. However I don’t read it that way and find it really offensive.

Whenever people stigmatise, or are rude about, children in care, or who have been through trauma, I always hear "I'm not strong and empathetic enough to handle this!"

I don't know if the poster realises that the fear of such children says more about her than the children, but it does.

I think it is really important that people make choices that work for them, I would prefer someone not to adopt if they didn't want to adopt than for someone unsuitable to adopt and the adopted child suffer as a result.

@takeoffyourboots I agree. The truth is that adoption requires more than your average parenting. It's not for everyone, which is why no one should be shamed or judged for saying it's not something they, personally, could do. I lack the skills to become a prima ballerina, I'm ok with that. I do have the skills my children need. Luckily, I have the insight to not join a ballet school, but to adopt instead. This thread was started by someone who could not understand why someone wouldn't adopt- the best reason always being 'they don't want to'. Adoption should be a choice, a choice to learn the skills needed.

That's great, percypetulant I agree with what you say about choices. However I don't agree with you when you say this I don't know if the poster realises that the fear of such children says more about her than the children, but it does and I am also not sure what you are trying to achieve.

@takeoffyourboots Percy was replying to me about the post I responded to, not about the OP (as far as I’m aware).

Yes, I was replying to @mahrezzy, and I think she understood my meaning.

I did!

Phew. I'm not actually meaning to be offended, or offend!

I thought it was about mummytolittledragon's post? The meaning seemed fairly obvious?!

When you are pregnant you get an early scan which tells you whether your baby is likely to have a disability, so that you are in time to have an abortion if you want one/do not think you'd be able to cope with a disabled child etc. Isn't that the same thing? I don't find either that or the earlier post offensive for the same reasons. Unless you have walked in someone else's shoes, I don't think you can judge these sort of decisions. Live and let live and all that.

@takeoffyourboots I agree with you. Lots of people wouldn’t be able to parent a child with special needs. I know I’d not be able to look after a child with specific physical disabilities for example. And I respect people saying they’d not be able to do it and knowing their own limits.

However, the post simply listed it as:

“The majority of the children needing a family have suffered abuse, neglect or have complicated sn”

Perhaps it’s a given that the poster meant “and I wouldn’t be able to parent children who displayed behaviours from abuse, trauma and complicated sn.” But it didn’t say that. It just labelled, quite abruptly. I may be oversensitive in my thinking (in fact I probably am as I am EXHAUSTED!) but if a person labelled and then discarded my son so thoughtlessly and clumsily as that was worded I’d let rip.

I can see the intention behind the post. I don’t like how it’s written.

I'm not sure if I have posted on this thread previously but here goes
I honestly just don't think I would love an adopted child like my own bio child. Also we are private people and wouldn't want the the invasive process of being approved.
Maybe if I had fertility issues and was desperate for a child I would consider adoption, thanks fully this an issue for us.