Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

Well I am adopted and only hope my mum and dad managed to love me like I was their own

@flaviaritt

RHOBHfan

To me, it’s involvement, I should have said, and one of the reasons I would be reluctant would be that ongoing relationship. But to each their own.

I think that’s what I was clumsily trying to say.

The letter from the birth parents is nothing ... even if birth parents never write, they are a huge part of the child’s life and have to be acknowledged/talked about (in our case) regularly.

So... rather than the letterbox being the involvement, it has to be acknowledged that adopted children have 2 sets of parents ... and to underplay the former is storing up a lot of potential:for issues.

I adopted, my son is the best thing thats ever happened to me. Due to BM circumstances I doubt he’ll ever be able to have a relationship with her. BF unknown. We do letterbox contact once a year but no direct contact. My involvement with SS was really positive from my side, my social workers have been fantastic. DS social worker wasnt (different LA) and required much chasing from me and my social worker

My DS went straight into foster care from birth and was adopted at 10 months so different experience to adopting an older child who has experienced living with birth family, trauma and abuse and then being removed

As pps have said see if can move post to adoption board - lots of good advice over there

@Anon42153

Thank you for your responses. Not actually for myself but for a family member who is in this situation now. I can think of all the wonderful reasons to adopt - giving a child a loving home and making a difference. I just want to give a balanced response as I’ve been asked my opinion so don’t just want to give all positive, want to highlight any difficulties too. I can only see positives I don’t know what any negatives would be. I suppose cost?

You have been told the negatives...Intrusion of SS and bio parents, psychological and trauma the children have faced, learning disabilities caused by drug and alcohol dependency and the cost

@foxyknoxy30 As an adoptive parent I’m sure they do love you like their own. I have an adopted child and a biological child and I love them the same. One grew in my heart and one in my womb. :)

I want to add though that some of the couples and single women i know who have become parents through adoption are some of the best parents I've ever met. And not in a selfless, sunshine and rainbows way - but they have truly examined themselves and their lives and made considered and huge changes to provide the best for their kids in a way i don't think i did when i got pregnant.

@foxyknoxy30

Well I am adopted and only hope my mum and dad managed to love me like I was their own

I'm sure they did. From what I have seen of adoption (several in the extended family and friendship groups), those who adopt feel the same about their children as any other parent. I assume nobody would go into adoption if they felt they wouldn't see the child as their own.

• even if birth parents never write, they are a huge part of the child’s life and have to be acknowledged/talked about (in our case) regularly.

So... rather than the letterbox being the involvement, it has to be acknowledged that adopted children have 2 sets of parents ... and to underplay the former is storing up a lot of potential:for issues.*

And I honestly believe most people who consider adoption have no idea of that part of it. If I did adopt a child young enough not to remember their birth parents, I would be very much against this model. Obviously with older children it’s not an option for them to have a completely ‘new start’, and that complicates matters, but a 6 month old child removed permanently from a family surely doesn’t have to be raised with this complex emotional situation hanging over them?

Anyway, that’s just my opinion and probably worthless in this context.

I wouldn’t because so many adopted children have sn and having a child with sn myself (even though allegedly mild) has been beyond hard

@flaviaritt what makes you think that social workers and birth family are constantly involved in your life and that adopters do not raise their children autonomously?
I have been an adoptive parent for 8 years, Social workers stopped having any say in our lives from the day the adoption order was granted. That's not to say we have not had SW involvement but that was at my request so I could access funding. We have not seen a social worker for over 3 years and don't expect to.
I happen to be one of the rare adopters who has direct contact with birth family for reasons specific to my son. They play no part in our day to day life, do not make or participate in decisions about him- that's my job because as I the legal parent. My son is 16 and has decided that at he does not want contact at the moment - so we don't, it's his decision
Most adopters have letter box contact only, but many don't. It's an emotive area and not without difficulty but it's not about birth parents being active in our children's lives or maintaining an active relationship- it's a once or twice a year letter and its usually between the adults
Part of adopting is accepting that there is another family out there that your child is connected to. That does not mean you are babysitting until the child clears off back to the birth family. Adopted children, young people and adults have can make their own minds up, some won't want anything to do with the birth family, some will be curious and want a one off meeting, others want a bit more - its the child's right, not the birth family

@flaviaritt the research suggests that full openness is better for the dc’s mental well-being

what makes you think that social workers and birth family are constantly involved in your life and that adopters do not raise their children autonomously?

It’s just a personal concern and preference. I didn’t say constantly either. I don’t think I’m the best person to adopt so it’s fine for me to have an opinion that means I wouldn’t.

I worked in Post Adoption Support and that's what would put me off adopting, I've seen too much.

If I wanted to adopt and had the opportunity to have a tiny baby then I would but and as awful as this sounds an older child comes with many many problems (some which haven't shown themselves yet) and I would not be strong enough to deal with those problems.

It's tough and I think you have to be a special type of person which I'm not saying you're not I'm saying I'm not.

Another side of it is that my friend fostered a 10 day old baby who had never left the hospital and after 9 months they were given the opportunity to adopt her which they did and this little girl is thriving, she's 4 now and is just the perfect little thing. So it can work but I think you need to go in eyes wide open and be honest with the social workers and yourselves about what you could and couldn't handle.

Good luck x

I looked into adoption and have friends that have adopted so was aware of the process and how intrusive it is.
For us, we didn't go ahead because we already had a biological child and didn't feel that we would be able to give both children what they needed should either have any additional needs or complex issues which can arise with adoption. I couldn't take on that responsibility with any doubt that I was able to fully meet the needs of both children.

However, had we not had a biological child already I think we would have gone ahead.

My friends who did go through the process now have a beautiful family with limited issues arising from their early lives. They were very open about the whole process throughout and it was hard going. Every part of your life is scrutinised and it's a long process too. Past the official adoption (or celebration day where it's all final) there is little SS involvement, and any contact with birth family is generally done by letterbox contact which is done through SS so no direct contact.

It's not for everyone, there is a lot of unknown and it's definitely an emotional journey. You can attend open days with agencies without committing to anything to get info or talk about your options.

Onceuponatimethen

And I hope people who want to adopt think that.

People also need to stop saying "own child" it makes me feel like people do not view my son as mine. Im not about to hand him back.

Look up Reactive attachment disorder.

Thank you. I’m going to ask MN to move board to adoption thread. Thank you all for sharing your experiences x

My MIL was a child protection social worker for almost 4 decades, and her advice was adoption is wonderful for under one year olds, but probably not a good idea otherwise, unless they had been in the care of a single pair of loving, attached foster carers. The world doesn't truly understand attachment trauma AT ALL, and children with disorders are very hard to cope with, and they often have other medical conditions or disabilities.

If I did adopt a child young enough not to remember their birth parents, I would be very much against this model. Obviously with older children it’s not an option for them to have a completely ‘new start’, and that complicates matters, but a 6 month old child removed permanently from a family surely doesn’t have to be raised with this complex emotional situation hanging over them?

Unless you don't tell the child (s)he is adopted (not recommended!), the complex situation exists regardless of whether you want it to or not.

I have a number of dns who are adopted from overseas. They all have some issues and varying degrees of curiosity regarding their birth parents, despite never having lived with them and being adopted quite young. It really is not in the best interests of the child to pretend they don't exist.

It really is not in the best interests of the child to pretend they don't exist.

In many circumstances I agree. But I wouldn’t want to adopt because I wouldn’t want that.

@flaviaritt

* even if birth parents never write, they are a huge part of the child’s life and have to be acknowledged/talked about (in our case) regularly.

So... rather than the letterbox being the involvement, it has to be acknowledged that adopted children have 2 sets of parents ... and to underplay the former is storing up a lot of potential:for issues.*

And I honestly believe most people who consider adoption have no idea of that part of it. If I did adopt a child young enough not to remember their birth parents, I would be very much against this model. Obviously with older children it’s not an option for them to have a completely ‘new start’, and that complicates matters, but a 6 month old child removed permanently from a family surely doesn’t have to be raised with this complex emotional situation hanging over them?

Anyway, that’s just my opinion and probably worthless in this context.

Your model is actually extremely damaging and causes trauma. If you do have an interest there is lots of literature on the subject thats freely available.

I'm not sure if I'd want to adopt as I think the a lot of children up for adoption in this country have such intense needs and I've heard some awful stories (some first hand) of the chaos a desperately neglected or damaged child wreaks on a household. I've know some people who have lovely experiences as well, though, but it feels to me like they have been quite lucky.

I never really thought about people not wanting to adopt because they just couldn't bring up a child that wasn't theirs until a friend expressed that when she had fertility issues, but hearing it from her helped me understand that people might feel that way.

@Tealteaparty

Look up Reactive attachment disorder.

RAD is fairly rare...

Your model is actually extremely damaging and causes trauma. If you do have an interest there is lots of literature on the subject thats freely available.

I don’t, thanks. I am explaining why I don’t want to adopt.