Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

Not for a single second would I ever consider adoption. DM is adopted and extremely damaged. She is a horrible, horrible person and I do believe a lot of it relates to her adoption. I would never, ever take that risk myself.

Families should adopt because they want to adopt, not because they can’t have their own kids.

That’s a very (unrealistically?) high standard, isn’t it? Most people are going to adopt because they want a family, surely?

I’ve found there is very little support for parents post adoption. You’re on your own, even if the child has a myriad of behavioural and emotional difficulties stemming from abuse. You’d think they’d be loads of support given 50% adoptions break down.

My experience (workwise) is that kids are not usually taken away from birth families until the level of abuse / neglect is shockingly high. People think that you can offer loads of love and it will make it better. But sometimes the damage is too great and can last a life time.

i come from a family built by adoption, and I think the key thing is whether or not you would genuinely see an adoptive child as your child, every bit as much as a biological child. For some people (including my mum) this was easy.

For other people it's a real barrier. My sister's ex doesn't see me and her as relatives at all (and I hate him for it). Meanwhile, when my sister's first child was born, I have never experienced such a rush of bonding and protectiveness as I did when I first looked into that bassinette, for all that we don't share a genetic link. She's my niece, and I would stand between her and anything that might harm her in the world, flaming sword in my hand..

I'm not sure I even blame people who view bio and adopted children differently - I don't even know if it's a thing anyone can control. But I do think it's really, really important to know that your kids, however they arrive in your family, will never, ever see themselves as second-best.

@CounsellorTroi

We chose not to adopt because we genuinely felt we were not cut out for it. Just because you are infertile does not automatically mean you will be a good adoptive parent.

I agree. You were very sensible. I say that as someone who was privately adopted. I think the regulations and requirements are really strict if it is done through the official channels and weeds out those who are inappropriate. Some people make excellent adoptive parents.

Hi there, @Anon42153 - we're just bobbing on here to let you know that we've moved your thread over to the Adoption topic, as requested by you. Hope that helps.

We adopted two D.C. aged 4 and 6 at the time so “older” in adoption terms. The levels of ignorance and assumption on this thread are astounding.

Our children are our children, we love them as our own. Their needs were fairly well known at the point of adoption and they aren’t more difficult to parent than kids in my social circle. Social work have had no involvement with our family since the adoption order was granted 3 months after they arrived with us. Involvement from the birth family amounts to one letter to/from birth mum each year.

There are lots of reasons not to adopt, but many of the issues suggested on this thread simply don’t reflect reality. The following are, for me reasons not to adopt:-

• you want a birth child and aren’t able to grieve and reconcile that loss
• you just want to give a poor soul a home
• you aren’t physically and/or emotionally stable
• you aren’t financially stable
• you can’t tolerate uncertainty (though tbh parenting might not be for you at all in that case)
• you are judgemental/have a poor understanding of the issues that might mean parents can’t care for their own child
• you are rigid or inflexible in your thinking

Everything that most adopted kids come with can be overcome with resilience, flexibility and a good mindset. Things like RAD are incredibly rare - but devastating when it happens, but there are other factors that would put me off more.

@Tealteaparty psychiatrists are now rethinking diagnoses of RAD and BPD, it is thought that many people with those diagnoses might in fact have had/have "developmental trauma" for which there is treatment available which can be very successful, without drugs. Really it is this which modern day adoptive parents need to be capable of, parenting a child who has suffered trauma and able to get them through it and to recover so that they can lead fulfilled successful happy independent lives. If you or anyone else is that sort of person, and you are good at giving out love, and recognise the continued significance of the bio family link, it is extremely worthwhile and rewarding.

The bio family is of importance to help a child know where they come from in past generations, who they are, genetic issues, and sometimes there is love there too running parallel with the adopted family love.

The caveat to the above is that more hard research is needed about how best to do certain aspects of adoption and much adoption practice in the UK is out of step with other child development research.

If you want a baby as though the bio family and associted problems did not exist then adoption isn't for you and you are insightful to recognise that about yourself @flaviaritt

Haven’t read the whole thread so might be repeating.
I used to think I could adopt - wanted to be a good human being etc etc
But then had my third child with neurodevelopmental difficulties and behaviourism issues. It has tested me and I knew no way I could do it with a child inwNf biologically attached to.
I don’t know how adoptive parents do it - especially when you are buying into what a good thing you are doing with taking on a child.

I don’t know what any negatives would be. I suppose cost?

All children cost. They are an expensive thing, birth or otherwise.

I think financial cost is nowhere in the top 10 reasons for adopting or not.

Emotional resources and emotional cost should be very high up there, though.

People shouldn't adopt because they can't have children of their own - this shouldn't be the prime motivator. However, people who cannot have children of their own do adopt and do it very successfully - it just cannot be the prime motivator.

is there a " sort of " child?

I am honest with myself here, I don't think I would ever adopt. However this realisation came to me AFTER I had my biological children (and they don't even have any special needs). I am realistic about it, I know there is a possibility I would not cope emotionally and that I wouldn't be able to do it without having a physical/instinctive connection to the child.
I feel a tremendous respect towards people who can raise children who are not biologically theirs.

If you want a baby as though the bio family and associted problems did not exist then adoption isn't for you and you are insightful to recognise that about yourself @flaviaritt flowers

Thank you. Yes, it would be extremely selfish of me, I think, to pretend it wouldn’t bother me and go ahead to adopt a child anyway. That would be me putting myself first and not them. I’m also not a prospect for myriad other reasons - I’m naturally impatient and need constant intellectual stimulation, and I hate paperwork...

You’d think they’d be loads of support given 50% adoptions break down.

Do you have a source for this please? Published statistics show adoption breakdown in England and Wales at 3%. Anecdotally in my circle of adoptive parents (which is pretty extensive given I’m both an adoptive parent and a social worker) I’ve not know any to breakdown. Professionally I’ve known 2 adoptions to breakdown in 25 years of working in child protection. Where do your figures come from.

I have some (😬) trauma. Lots of people do. I'm still a good person who has value.

There seems to be an assumption on this thread that having trauma = a fait accompli of a terrible life/ruining everyone else's life, somehow. Sort of a vibe of 'That's it, they're traumatised, end of, don't bother,' - it just doesn't sit right with me.

I agree with everything said about going into adoption with your eyes wide open, but some of the responses on here are a bit depressing in the assumptions they make.

I’m naturally impatient and need constant intellectual stimulation, and I hate paperwork...

Oh yes, I’m endlessly patient, have no need for intellectual stimulation and love paperwork

Half my caseload was adoption breakdowns in my previous sw role. I doubt that amounts to half though

That's not aimed at anyone in particular by the way - and I 100% get why anyone would be slow to take on caring for a child with complex issues - I suppose what I mean is all trauma is not the same, or experienced the same, or comes out the same in outcomes in adulthood and the idea that just having some trauma makes a child the wrong 'sort' of child I find a bit upsetting.

Oh yes, I’m endlessly patient, have no need for intellectual stimulation and love paperwork hmm

I don’t see the need for the sarcasm. I don’t think I’d be suitable for those reasons. You can think whatever you like about you, but you don’t know me so you don’t have a valid opinion here.

Is your local authority truly shit at assessment @nevernotstruggling or did you have a particular role in adoption? I’ve never known a social worker to have a high number of adoption breakdowns in their case load unless they had a family finding role.

@Jellycatspyjamas to clarify - the cases were children who had returned to the care system. The children had been placed for adoption in that authority but were from a range of other local authorities and agencies.

That is normal in permanence services

You can think whatever you like about you, but you don’t know me so you don’t have a valid opinion here.

You might not like my opinion, but it’s certainly valid. Your post implies adoptive parents can’t be impatient, don’t need intellectual stimulation and are buried in paperwork. Because you think those qualities disqualify you from adoption.

Adoptive parents aren’t saints, they don’t have a well stream of patience, they have bad days, they get stuck and gasp might even shout sometimes.

Not adopting because you don’t want to is a perfectly valid choice. Ascribing virtue to that decision is nonsense.

It’s like those people who couldn’t possibly do my job “because I’m too soft hearted, I could never listen to those sad stories”. Implying you must be hard faced in some way to do what you do.

You don’t like sarcasm, feel free to scroll on by.

It's a great question. My dh and I discussed all the options before ttc and we decided that we didn't want to adopt. Perhaps it's just from not knowing the whole process, thinking we're not eligible because of several things.

That is normal in permanence services

Yes it is, that’s why I was asking if you had a particular role that would give you a high proportion of adoption breakdowns - I would fully expect that in permanence teams. As a CP social worker it would be much less common.

@Wannakisstheteacher

Not for a single second would I ever consider adoption. DM is adopted and extremely damaged. She is a horrible, horrible person and I do believe a lot of it relates to her adoption. I would never, ever take that risk myself.

I know several adopted people who are lovely. Your mum may just be an arsehole.

But yes - adoption is a trauma for a child, but it can also be a great blessing.