Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

Most people that have suffered with infertility have deep grief about not having children - their own children. Add to that, the fact the children needing to be adopted have grief and damage of their own. You have to be at peace with your own situation to adopt. Having a child is not the same as having your child and you would be doing the adoptive child a terrible disservice, if you were not OK with that.

One of the biggest difficulties would be the trauma that lots of children who are in the position to need adopters come with. Even babies removed at birth can suffer trauma that doesn't show up for years and that having a loving adoptive family cannot alone cure. As foster carers we get support in looking after traumatised babies and children but a lot of that support seems to stop once an adoption order is made.

REasons against.. It,s very intrusive and you may not be approved.
Yo may feel pressured into agreeing to take children you don't really want. (eg older children, siblings, disabilities.).
You may not bond with child or child may not bond with you.
Contact with birth family. (particularly if their are siblings.).
These are some probs which effect some people. I think everyone wants a young baby with no issues but for many thts a dream.

There are some very misleading opinions stated here.

In most cases I know of, and I mix in the world of adoption, birth parents don’t have constant contact - usually an envelope once year with a letter and birthday and Christmas cards. In return the adoptive family would probably be expected to write an anonymised letter annually.

As an adoptive parent you can state what level of contact you are happy with, the more you restrict the longer you may wait for a match to a child.

I adopted our daughter a year ago. Got to say its the best thing I ever did. I would post in the adoption boards as you will get some honest answers on what its actually like. Good & bad. We do have letters from birth parents but they write to us not our daughter. This is done once a year at a set time. I wasn't a fan of this but after going through the process its something im 100% on board with. Your ideas pre adoption change as you go through it. Good luck with what ever is decided.

I wouldn't because it's highly likely the child will have high emotional needs and I'm not equipped to be the parent they need.

I feel guilty enough not being adequate for my birth DC tbh!

Mum (through adoption) here.
Lots of info on this site, also have a look at First4Adoption for more info x

As parents to 3 homegrown DC's we have adopted 8 so have not been through the trauma of infertility.
Have no regrets they have given us pure joy.
Must add our adopted (hate that comment) all have special needs but they are fantastic.
The difficulties the health problems have been problematic and sadly we have had to deal with death.
Would not have missed a minute. Hope this does not come across gushy!

That must be very unsettling for the child and adopted parents if biological parents are encouraged to maintain a relationship

Letterbox contact is only recommended if it's in the child's best interests - and in most cases it is in the child's best interests for them to know where they've come from.

I would also argue that these days it's also in the adoptive parents best interests to maintain some level of contact, as if the child is left to build up a fantasy of what their birth parents or siblings are like then they will easily be able to reach out and find them on social media.

When handled correctly letterbox contact can help maintain a more realistic image of the birth parents and satisfy that bit of curiosity a child may have until they're of an age where they can make an informed decision about future relationships. Much safer all round.

That's not to say its easy, it takes real skill and dedication on the part of the adoptive parent to facilitate letterbox contact.

Biological parents aren’t ‘involved’ per se. In our case, they write to our children once a year and we (the parents) write back. We share content from the letters with our children as appropriate.

But talking to our children about their past and birth parents is an almost daily occurrence... certainly several times a week. If you’re not ok with that, don’t adopt. It’s a huge part of their identity.

We wouldn't have adopted. I had multiple miscarriages before having my dc. I had a yearning for my own child but if I'm honest, I didn't want it enough to pursue things further if it didn't happen. That included fertility treatment and adoption. I think you have to really, really want to be a parent to be an adoptive parent and I just didn't want it enough. For me, it was either a child of my own or acceptance that I'd be childless and making the best of it.

I had trouble staying pregnant and we thought it wasn’t going to happen so talked about adopting a lot. There are 3 adoptions in my side of the family, two children adopted in and one out who then got back in touch with his mother who’s my relative. Even when it goes as well as can be hoped, the deep rooted feelings of rejection that all 3 have gone through, is life lasting and can be so complicated. We’ve got two friends who’ve tried to adopt, one was quickly rejected and one gave up as the level of intrusion was too great. The husband of the latter was adopted himself and the process brought a lot of things to the surface for him. A third couple we know are nearing the end of the process and are hoping to have a child by the end of the year. They’ve found it gruelling in the extreme. They’re also trying to prepare themselves for a child that could be between a year and 9 years old - I cannot imagine how you do that in your head. And they know they’re likely to get a child with complex issues as that’s nearly always the case where we live.

The whole thing is fraught with complexity and I have the highest admiration for people who put themselves through it. For a variety of reasons DH decided it wasn’t something he wanted to do, the more people he talked to who had been adopted or tried to adopt the less he could face it.

Not everyone wants a tiny baby! 😀

But the main reason I wouldn't adopt is I don't think I would ever really see the child as truly mine. I adore my kids but I don't think I would feel the same about a child I didn't give birth to. I'm not suggesting this is how adoptive parents feel, it's just how I feel.

This is how I would feel but wasn’t sure how to word it, I’m not very maternal, I love my own kids but I couldn’t see myself feeling the same way about a child that wasn’t mine and that wouldn’t be fair.

We did adopt, a six month old baby boy. He is a wild 5 year old now and we have a biological child who is 2.
The hardest thing is the unknown. My son was a neonatal abstinence syndrome baby and was in hospital for the first 7 weeks of his life to deal with that. Because of this there is a lot of questions around developmental things that may arise as a result of this.
Cost is not something that affected us. We were not out of pocket anymore than we would have been for a biological child. In fact less so, people (friends/family/work colleagues) went majorly overboard as the process was intrusive and stressful and everyone was so over joyed when we were matched with our boy generosity went off the charts. I took a years adoption leave with work.
It is the best thing we did.
We write to birth parents every year as part of letterbox contact. They have not written back. If they do we will keep those letters for when he is older. Most birth parents have no direct involvement, the child is legally yours. Letterbox contact is done through SS so they don’t know where the child is etc.

Biological parents aren’t ‘involved’ per se. In our case, they write to our children once a year and we (the parents) write back. We share content from the letters with our children as appropriate.

That is involvement.

I dont believe i would be up to the task of parenting a child with attachment disorder or fetal alcohol syndrome. A close relative wss unable to cope and the adoption failed.its devestating and a very taboo subject indeed.

I should add that several very close friends have successfully adopted and have lovely family lives.

@flaviaritt

Biological parents aren’t ‘involved’ per se. In our case, they write to our children once a year and we (the parents) write back. We share content from the letters with our children as appropriate.

That is involvement.

It doesn’t feel like it.

It feels like an update letter once a year that I can choose to share with my children, or not.

And my (adopted) child is very much my own child.
Really would recommend the adoption board for further info. X

Some people need watch how they word things. I am a proud adoptive parent. I wanted a family. I didn't adopt out of charity or to give a child a home. Some people talk about adopting a child like they are adopting an animal.
As for contact with birth parents it doesn't have to be a bad thing and why deny a child their past. You are taught how to talk about it. My son knows who his birth mum is, she writes to us. We talk about her and don't feel insecure threatened about mt position as his mum. She was there first and I love the fact that without her, my life would not have him in it.

Personally, no I wouldn't adopt. I think lots of people say they want to without really thinking about it. My reasons? Parenthood is exhausting and relentless...I feel like I've sacrificed a huge amount of my life, pretty much all of it for my children.. I would worry that I wouldn't be able to do that for an adopted child without feeling resentment, and I think an adopted child deserves a parent who would not feel like that. Massive respect to people who do it.

RHOBHfan

To me, it’s involvement, I should have said, and one of the reasons I would be reluctant would be that ongoing relationship. But to each their own.

Pressed post too quickly.

Compared with the amount of time we spend talking to our children about their early starts and biological family it really is negligible.

Somebody I know adopted 2 siblings 2years ago. The birth mother had 2 more children since then. All children were born with drug-dependency. Birth mother was allowed to keep in touch and ended up knocking on friends' door at 2am asking for money 'because you have my babies' 😳
Family had to sell up and move away. Children are 5 and 4 and are really really difficult, with lots of health and behaviour problems.
I wouldn't adopt these days, as children are taken away when all the avenues are exhausted and by that time they are too damaged to be brought up by people, who have lots of love to give, but no experience how to deal with all the problems. It is very unfair and utterly sad.

@Anon42153

Thank you for your responses. Not actually for myself but for a family member who is in this situation now. I can think of all the wonderful reasons to adopt - giving a child a loving home and making a difference. I just want to give a balanced response as I’ve been asked my opinion so don’t just want to give all positive, want to highlight any difficulties too. I can only see positives I don’t know what any negatives would be. I suppose cost?

What do you mean by ‘cost’ OP?