Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

Jellycatspyjamas

Perhaps I exhibit certain tendencies in a more extreme manner than you imagine. Perhaps I put more weight on certain things than you do. But no, I don’t think your opinion is valid at all, when it comes to my suitability to adopt children. Why would I?

And it isn’t “virtuous”. I just don’t believe I’d be able to offer a traumatised child the level of attention and stability they would obviously need.

So why don’t you scroll on by and leave me to my opinion of...myself?

When we were expecting our first dc we were living in a rental studio flat. One of us unemployed with MH issues, the other in temp employment. I did assume we weren't eligible. We've since improved our situation, both financially and mentally.

"Unless the rules have changed recently in Ireland, you don't need to stay at home for anything other than the normal adoptive leave. There are a number of adopted children in my extended family ranging from 11 to 18 and their mothers all returned to work as normal."

We were looking about three years ago and were told that creche etc would not be allowed, and that there'd have to be a stay at home parent until they were montessori age from what I recall.

But I could very well be confusing myself and getting it all wrong

Show me where I’ve commented on your suitability to adopt?

If I discover that I can’t have biological children, I will absolutely adopt. I’m very aware of the potential difficulties because I have family who work in social care, but their stories actually make me want to adopt. There are so many children out there who deserve to be loved. I know it’s more difficult than easy in most cases, but it doesn’t put me off.

Jellycatspyjamas

The point where you intervene to mock my comments that my personality traits (which you know nothing about) make me unsuitable, I’m going for.

Anyway, I’m ending this discussion. I don’t like you or it. And it’s derailing.

Goodnight.

We very seriously considered adoption prior to trying to conceive and if it had been on me I would have wanted to proceed. However, having looked into the process and possible challenges, DH said he couldn't go ahead with it.

We're now three years through trying to conceive and I'm quite glad that we've already had the conversation as I think I'd be trying to persuade him into adoption now and that wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I don’t like you
I’m heartbroken.

@foxyknoxy30 you are there own some people (like me) could suggest that they love you more.

@Mynamenotaccepted

As parents to 3 homegrown DC's we have adopted 8 so have not been through the trauma of infertility. Have no regrets they have given us pure joy. Must add our adopted (hate that comment) all have special needs but they are fantastic. The difficulties the health problems have been problematic and sadly we have had to deal with death. Would not have missed a minute. Hope this does not come across gushy!

Where do you live? I'm assuming not in the UK.

When I was on a hospital placement in maternity many years ago, there was a women in labour with her 12th baby, which had a care order in place to be put in SS care for adoption proceedings (as had been her previous children). The midwives explained that the mother was low IQ, mentally ill and being repeatedly preyed on by paedophiles hoping to get her pregnant so they could gain access to the baby, and she just wanted a baby to be a mother to so kept getting pregnant again and again. It was tragic, terrifying and heartbreaking.

But that was the moment I new that I would NEVER adopt, as I new I would not want to adopt her baby, with those genetic factors involved. This might make me seem a horrible person but it was a very strong feeling that has never gone away.

I have the greatest respect for anyone who adopts, does it well and provides a loving home for a child, and it is amazing when it is a success story, but it would not be for me.

@bloodywhitecat

One of the biggest difficulties would be the trauma that lots of children who are in the position to need adopters come with. Even babies removed at birth can suffer trauma that doesn't show up for years and that having a loving adoptive family cannot alone cure. As foster carers we get support in looking after traumatised babies and children but a lot of that support seems to stop once an adoption order is made.

One of the reasons I am strongly against surrogacy.

@Jellycatspyjamas oh I see - I better understand your question now. Forgive me in a sw. I'm permanently exhausted!

@Mayorquimby2 - We were looking about three years ago and were told that creche etc would not be allowed, and that there'd have to be a stay at home parent until they were montessori age from what I recall.

Sounds like the rules have changed then as the youngest adopted child I know is 11.

[quote nevernotstruggling]@Jellycatspyjamas oh I see - I better understand your question now. Forgive me in a sw. I'm permanently exhausted![/quote]
What is the difference between Child Protection and permanency then? Don't the CP cases move on to permanency/adoption teams if the children can't live with birth parents?

Lots of skin in the game here as I’m a single adopter to two children, the first of whom arrived 12 years ago. I’m finding this thread absolutely fascinating in regards to ‘outsiders’ and fellow adopters’ opinions and attitudes. My 12 years as an adopter has taught me that the biggest criterion for success, by whichever yardstick it’s measured, is to be compassionate and to have compassion for everyone involved in the adoption triad (which constitutes child, birth parent/s and adoptive parents).

My eldest child is diagnosed with neonatal abstinence syndrome (a big no-no for some here, it seems) and, as a consequence, has a serious disability which will impact on her ability to live independently. However, the same child aced the 11+ to earn herself a place at one of the country’s best grammar schools, where, despite a rocky start, she is absolutely flourishing and is loving finding her tribe (draw a Venn diagram of those who can recite the Periodic Table/quote lines from every Harry Potter book/draw Japanese Manga characters ad infinitum and enjoy listening to Grandmaster Flash and you will have nailed my daughter’s friendship group).

In another example of going against the grain, my second adopted child and I have regular direct contact with her birth mother; in fact, we spent a lovely couple of hours hanging out in an outdoor cafe one day after school last week. She brought along the latest Frozen comic and completed all the dot-to-dots and other activities with my/her/our child while I enjoyed the rare chance to savour a cappuccino that was still warm.

I think what I want to say is that adoption brings another dimension to one’s life (and some of it is very complex and challenging) but the more evolved you become as an adoptive parent, the easier the load is to bear. You will make brilliant friendships with fellow-adopter parents along the way and they will become your rocks.

The thing never to forget, though, is that, for all its pitfalls and heartache, adoption enables those of us who would never otherwise have the opportunity to become parents, the gift of being a mother or father.

Good luck in whatever you decide and I would heartily recommend the AdoptionUK website as a rich resource.

I am black and was adopted by white parents in the states. They never let me forget what a massive favour they'd done for me. It was shit. I found out that my mother went on to have other children - she lost me to the system when she went to prison for a minor drug charge. She died before I could meet her but my siblings say she was a great mom and she always missed me and talked about me. She just didn't have any way to find me and she died before I was 18.

I have a friend who gave her child up in an "open" adoption (this is a thing in the states) but the adoptive parents didn't hold up their end of the bargain and they cut off contact less than three months after the adoption for no reason that had anything to do with her. She regrets it every day and it has fucked her up for life. The amount paid in legal fees and agency fees by the adoptive parents would have paid ten times over to get her through the tough time she was having when she was pregnant and she would have been a great mom...just a little bit of help through some kind of charity or government program... but everywhere she turned pushed her towards adoption. They made her feel like she was some kind of heroine and promised that she would be supported and appreciated, but the moment she was no longer an incubator for the child, she was a problem to be ignored and forgotten.

I know another woman through some volunteer work I did who lost her child due to her own mental illness. It destroyed her. She could have probably gotten through it with help - but again, it wasn't available.

Other people will give you happy stories of adoption.That's fine but I always take those with a grain of salt. As far as I'm concerned, it should be RARE and it should be the LAST resort - after contraception, after abortion, and after all forms of support are exhausted for the birth parent. The women who give birth are always forgotten. They matter, too, their lives are just as important as their children's lives.

Lots of skin in the game
What a hideous expression.

I don’t know if I would have been a good adoptive parent. I think it is unlikely. I am not calm enough. I am stressy and also I think I would have felt very jealous had my child resumed a relationship with their mother, even while knowing it would be the best thing .
I have my own children, I know my strengths and weaknesses as a parent so far but I’m only starting the teenage years with my youngest...
I imagine that adoptive parents need a core of strength, resilience, flexibility, and emotional intelligence. I have a couple of friends who are great mothers of adopted children, and a couple more friends who I think would have made good adoptive parents if that had been their choice. I know one adoptive mother who really should not have been allowed to adopt a child. Her child was adopted from another country, had been neglected in an orphanage, and has a lot of problems that she has not been able to cope with at all. She has mental health issues that are long standing .
Adoptions do fail, and that is terrible for both sides, so it is a massive thing to go into.

@randomer, oh, for goodness sake, don’t be so ridiculous, it’s a figure of speech. Totally happy to have a sensible debate about the broad ethics and issues surrounding adoption, as an experienced adopter, but it’s petty-minded and narrowing to try to blindside someone on a matter of semantics.

I think one of the hardest things about adoption is... peoples attitudes and prejudices towards adoption 😂

Our wonderful son has very complex needs, we are in our early 30s and adopting our son was absolutely first choice for us. We constantly get

• ‘are you going to have your own?’
• ‘you are so good to have adopted him with all of his additional needs’
• ‘He is so lucky to be able to grow up in a family’

All very well meaning I know but I feel cross that our amazing boy seems to be viewed as less than. I would not change him for the anything, we feel we are the luckiest parents in the world. This outdated attitude is prevalent amongst social workers too, our son was considered ‘unadoptable’ from when he was a few months old and social workers seem genuinely amazed that we wanted to adopt him when long term foster care was an option. Adopted children also seem to be viewed as a ‘consolation prize’ and people still seem to think the only reason to adopt would be infertility.

The process is long and intrusive but so worth it. It costs no more than having children. Yes there is higher incidence of developmental issues but no one knows if their birth child is going to have developmental issues either. People saying they couldn’t love a child they didn’t give birth to... Fathers all over the world love their children! I did not give birth to my son but couldn’t possibly love him anymore and even though we have a good relationship with his birth mother he is very definitely OUR son

@Wroxie

I’m sorry your adoption was not a good experience for you. Adoption in America seems to me more like business transactions, its very different in the UK. Money does not change hands, and to be honest if anything birth parents are given too many chances before children are removed.

Very many adoptive families in the UK are happy, thats not to say there are not difficulties, but most of us are just getting on with life as every other family does.

@Jellycatspyjamas oh I see - I better understand your question now. Forgive me in a sw. I'm permanently exhausted!

I’m one too, and yes permanent exhaustion is an occupational expectation 😁

@randomer

Lots of skin in the game What a hideous expression.

I've never heard that one. What on earth does it mean?

SFCA Thu 22-Oct-20 22:55:47
I think one of the hardest things about adoption is... peoples attitudes and prejudices towards adoption 😂

Our wonderful son has very complex needs, we are in our early 30s and adopting our son was absolutely first choice for us. We constantly get

• ‘are you going to have your own?’
• ‘you are so good to have adopted him with all of his additional needs’
• ‘He is so lucky to be able to grow up in a family’

All very well meaning I know but I feel cross that our amazing boy seems to be viewed as less than. I would not change him for the anything, we feel we are the luckiest parents in the world. This outdated attitude is prevalent amongst social workers too, our son was considered ‘unadoptable’ from when he was a few months old and social workers seem genuinely amazed that we wanted to adopt him when long term foster care was an option. Adopted children also seem to be viewed as a ‘consolation prize’ and people still seem to think the only reason to adopt would be infertility.
.........
Very good post and I understand where you are coming from. People used to say how 'lucky' I was to be adopted. It's very annoying.