Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

I always think it's important to remember that adoption is a system for finding families for children who need them, not a system for finding children for families who want them. Just because someone is infertile, it doesn't necessarily follow that they will have the drive to adopt, or be in a circumstance where they can go for it. I think it's often trotted out as a sort of neat solution - just adopt! - in a way that does a disservice to both children in care and infertile people.

Personally, my reasons for not pursuing adoption had mainly to do with being single. Yes, single people can adopt, but my financial circumstances are such that I need to work full time, and I didn't feel that would be a good situation for a child who would inevitably have suffered some form of trauma, abuse or neglect. I was also wary of the process involved as it's so invasive into one's life - absolutely correctly, of course, but I wasn't keen to involve do many people in my decision to pursue parenthood at that time. I wouldn't rule it out forever, but at the point I was making that decision I actually chose to go the other way, and pursue further fertility treatments using donor gametes.

If I was being totally honest- I would perhaps adopt a baby or very young child. I am not sure that I have the resources or mental strength to adopt an older child who needs a lot of emotional support- I'm not sure I could give them what they would need. However, most of the children who need families are older, so no. I probably would not bother going through the long process.

Close friends adopted two siblings about 3-4 years ago. They were 3 and 4 at the time of adoption. They've been quite "lucky", the children were in foster care for a while due to neglect and have no behavioural issues or SEN. But it's definitely still harder than raising a biological child; even with their fairly"straightforward" background (as opposed to severely abused children who may have PTSD or other mental health issues as a result, or something like fetal alcohol syndrome) they still took quite a long time to settle. The mum told us eg the children really struggled to sleep at night and wanted very long hugs (think hours at a time) because they'd never been that secure before. Etc.
I really don't think I'd be the right parent for a child from that background; I just don't have enough patience even with my biological DD. I admire them massively, their DC are absolutely wonderful kids. DP would be a great adoptive dad, I have no doubt about that, but I don't think I'm cut out for it. I massively doubt myself often, have had some mental health issues in the past etc, and I think you need to be an incredibly stable person in a very stable relationship to get through it.

We looked in to it and may again soon but we're probably getting older than the desired age.

But it would have required one parent to be at home full time for the first 2 years (possibly 3, can't remember off the top of my head) and i couldn't give up my career like that.
I'm in Ireland so appreciate the requirements are different.

I'm adopted btw and have had nothing but an incredible experience from it. Great parents, great life, great opportunities I'd have never had.

I’m not saying your family member should not adopt but since you wanted to have the negatives pointed out:

The older the child when adopted the more likely the placement is to break down.

The assessment process in intrusive (properly so).

The court process is often stressful (if the adoption is opposed by birth parents).

Very, very few babies / children are voluntarily relinquished. This means they become available through forced adoption. Many patents who’s children are adopted are inadequate rather than deliberately harmful: mental health problems/learning disabilities. This may be a difficult legacy in the future for the child to deal with. Feelings of guilt and identity issues are common.

Attachment issues are common. As is trauma. Behavioural difficulties abound.

Many babies have Fetal alcohol syndrome. Or less easily identified issues around exposure to alcohol.

Adopted children will often be part of a larger sibling group. Which has been split up. That can cause a huge sense of loss. And guilt. Particularly if older siblings remain in foster care.

Many adopted children search out their birth families when they reach adulthood. This can be stressful.

Managing contact (even if just indirect letterbox contact) with the birth family can be tricky/disappointing.

None of the above is said to put your family off. But you did ask for the negatives. Cost is the least of it really.

We did adopt. Reasons one might choose not to might be...
Invasive assessment/ partners not agreeing/ the sort of child generally available for adoption/ financial commitment/ contact with birth families/ losing friends because of child's behaviors/ losing job because of child's behaviors/ lack of support network/ needs of others within adopters current family. It's far and away the hardest thing we have ever done. I found it much much harder and more all consuming than infertility.

@foxyknoxy30

Well I am adopted and only hope my mum and dad managed to love me like I was their own

I foster and I love my foster children as much as I love my own.

@RHOBHfan it is but I know someone who is personally dealing with it and its been very difficult for them and destroyed their marriage. Its a valid thing to mention when asking for reasons not to adopt. If the OP knows about RAD and all the other negatives and risks and still want to go ahead then they will be better informed and perhaps more prepared.

It's a subject that fascinates me no end. I know a few adults that were adopted, all by very wealthy families. Two are very successful. One has suffered terribly with MH and drug dependency.

I would love to spend all day reading birth/adopted family details and child outcomes, it's so interesting.

@NeverAMillionMilesAway

If I was being totally honest- I would perhaps adopt a baby or very young child. I am not sure that I have the resources or mental strength to adopt an older child who needs a lot of emotional support- I'm not sure I could give them what they would need. However, most of the children who need families are older, so no. I probably would not bother going through the long process.

Common misconception that adopting a younger child means fewer issues. The developmental trauma happens in the first few months and sometimes in utero.

we thought about it.

But didn't feel able to care for child with trauma in their past to a high enough standard.

I adopted an 8 year old. I knew pretty much all there was to know in terms of his 'issues'
The younger the child is the more uncertainty there is. I know many children who were adopted as young babies who are harder work and more challenging than my son.
Adopting children as babies does not mean that they won't have emotional issues or challenging behaviour

@Mayorquimby2

We looked in to it and may again soon but we're probably getting older than the desired age.

But it would have required one parent to be at home full time for the first 2 years (possibly 3, can't remember off the top of my head) and i couldn't give up my career like that.
I'm in Ireland so appreciate the requirements are different.

I'm adopted btw and have had nothing but an incredible experience from it. Great parents, great life, great opportunities I'd have never had.

Unless the rules have changed recently in Ireland, you don't need to stay at home for anything other than the normal adoptive leave. There are a number of adopted children in my extended family ranging from 11 to 18 and their mothers all returned to work as normal.

[quote Tealteaparty]@RHOBHfan it is but I know someone who is personally dealing with it and its been very difficult for them and destroyed their marriage. Its a valid thing to mention when asking for reasons not to adopt. If the OP knows about RAD and all the other negatives and risks and still want to go ahead then they will be better informed and perhaps more prepared.[/quote]
Yes, definitely valid to mention... but worth calling out its prevalence.

Also worth looking up is Attachment Disorders generally, FASD, research by Bowlby etc.

Your poor friend.., they have my every sympathy. I didn’t mean to minimise RAD; it must have been utterly horrific for them and I hope they’re getting support (although I’ll wager if they are, it’s not great!)

I've seen many people who've ended up broken (both in themselves and in their marriages) after adopting. Key information about the children had been withheld (either purposefully or by negligence, can't be proven either way), information which would probably have meant the match didn't go ahead. By the time the missing information had been uncovered the family were many years post adoption order and social services didn't want to know. At this point, getting any support whatsoever is always going to be an uphill battle - families not created through adoption face enough barriers to getting appropriate mental health support for their children, throw adoption-specific issues into the mix (they often require a different approach) and you've got a nightmare in prospect.

There are other issues too - social services poor understanding of trauma bonding and why it means sometimes the kindest thing to do is separate siblings is a big one. The whole system needs to be overhauled as some of the things adopters are being asked to do are just, well I would never be mentally strong enough to do it.

We adopted (and also have an older birth child). One of the best things we ever did. We have zero regrets and she makes our life complete.

Clearly there are things we have to consider including the likelihood she will want to meet her birth parents when she is older but we consider ourselves lucky to have her and love her every inch as much as our son.

I would not be able to provide the care I think the child would deserve.
It takes a special person/ people.

It's something is like to do, some day.

I think I'd be able to foster to adopt (it's a thing in Ireland where I'm from, not sure if it's the same in U.K.). I grew up with an unsettled dysfunctional family and have a sibling with a personality disorder, so I am well aware of what dysfunction looks like, and due to hyper vigilance around this kind of thing, am a good judge of people's personalities and characters.

It also means my house and family is calm, and chilled out, and will always be a place where you speak to each other lovingly and with respect.

I have faith in my ability to be able to, while fostering a little child, understand their character and their personality and then make a call to see if we could adopt them long term.

I think my experiences means I'd have a bit of an advantage over others who, well, have had naice uneventful upbringings and are a bit more innocent of how shit families can be. And I think I'd be good at it, because I fundamentally get that, and our family isn't like that, because i (we) consciously make it not so.

I have adopted, but my son is the result of an in family adoption which in some ways is simpler as I have lots of information about one side of his birth family, but at the same time that fact also makes it more complicated at times.

I’ve been his Dad since he was 18 months old, he turned five in the summer and has just started year one at primary school. He has some expected additional needs due to early trauma, he has however done very very well so far, he has a very secure attachment to me, his emotional regulation is within the normal ranges for his age as well.

Being an adoptive parent is of course different, there are things I have to think about and consider that other parets don’t, some of them difficult at times, some of them nice, such as celebrating the day we met. People are often cruel in their language, often without realising, I have seen a few people on this thread doing the whole “like their own”, in real life you hear things like “real mum/dad” I always point out that I’m not imaginery when I get that one, including a doctor who trotted out the phrase.

There are lots of adoption support groups out there, they’re fantastic as not only is it brilliant meeting other adopters who aren’t phased by slightly odd or impulsive behaviour from your child, but your child is able to meet lots of other children just like them.

I would very much like there to be child number two in the future, with the hopes of persuing foster to adopt/EPP and we will begin stage one once we’re married.

One thing people forget is that you aren’t finding a child for the potential adopter, you’re finding a parent for the child. Its about who can meet their needs best.

the sort of child generally available for adoption

how horrible

I cannot support adoption as it currently stands in this country:

My children were taken from me - they were given to my abusers (convicted). The socisl services saw them as a quick snd easy option and wove narrative to ensure that they got what they wanted. If the abusers hadn’t been interested they would gave gone for adoption/permensnt FC.

It took me over two years, but a panel of 3 very experienced social workers found that the LA social workers had not acted fairly or ethically. They were wrong, and they’d known they were. I got a full apology and compensation. I’ve not seen nor spoken to my son in over 3 years and he has been completely poisoned.

How many other families have been wronged in this way? I nearly gave up my complaint because the PA blocked me in every way they could, including refusing to even open up a complaint for nearly a year. All the while I am trying to get justice without any legal help nor advocacy (because that doesn’t exist) and am deeply traumatised.

Do you really want to be a part of that process? Do you want to know that there’s a possibility the child you adopted was wrongfully taken?

So much I could say but one thing I will say is there are no costs involved. That is a total myth. You pay for your medicals as part of the assessment process. That's it.

We were in this exact situation and decided to adopt. We did it three times in the end. Our children were 4 weeks; 12 months and 4 months when we got them.

We did it because we wanted to be parents. I think we have a very normal family dynamic with three adult children and we are now thrilled to be grandparents.

Yes the assessments were a pain but lets face it next to fertility treatment and IVF it really wasn't that bad. It was completely worth it.

@randomer

the sort of child generally available for adoption

how horrible

Well, this is an honest conversation about why people don't feel they could adopt. The "sort" of child who needs to be adopted is going to have some trauma, not be a little orphan Annie who is just so glad to be rescued.

@SimonJT your last paragraph nails it. Talking about infertile couples adopting children as a sort of ‘consolation prize’ is wrong (although not accusing the OP Of using that language!) It’s a completely different ballpark in my opinion. Families should adopt because they want to adopt, not because they can’t have their own kids.