One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

To give a bit more of my story I am a foster carer so used to having new kids arrive as part of the family. I was desperate to adopt as well and our son was placed as a foster placement initially but the plan was adoption if the courts gave a placement order. So not quite foster to adopt but near enough. We have a long term fc who I adore and who is as much of a family member as our birth children so it should have been all plain sailing right ?
Well heres the thing I found it really hard to bond with him in the early days. He felt alien to me is the only way I can describe it. But I knew from experience with fostering that this is normal and so I basically ignored my emotions and ploughed on ( in fact I am a believer in ignoring my emotions when things are hard because feelings are not necesarily reality although they feel v real at the time ).
Anyway it took a few months but my goodness I love that child with every ounce of my being now. He is nothing but a joy and I couldn't be without him.
So you see It is normal to feel all at sea . You are not a freak . But it passes so sending hugs and support for a peaceful christmas. Be gentle to yourself . X

I have experienced depression but nothing like the PAD after our DC came home. It was like I was totally detached from DH and DD. I just wanted to escape from it all. I made sure we went out every morning and then she slept all afternoon (and so did I). I was utterly desperate - too afraid to tell anyone how I felt, not even DH knew how bad it was. Stupid really - some medication would have helped I’m sure.

It took some months to finally start to enjoy being a parent. By the time it came to me going back to work after 9 months I was devastated to leave her. She is my absolute world now and I couldn’t love her more.

Thank you for these messages, your willingness to share your own difficulties is so helpful in realising that PAD is real illness and not a weakness. I can’t tell you how encouraging it is to read how much you all now love your children despite such traumatic starts. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas xx

I would say thats a more normal reaction to a new baby. It’s pretty overwhelming.

Omg i am sat here in tears. I am so thankful I have come across your post and all these responses!!!

We are 4 and a bit months in to our second time adoption of a 4 month (now 8 month) old baby boy and I have been everything that anyone has described above. I felt like there was something wrong with me until now.

Our first adoption was foster to adopt and it was an immediate bond with our 3 month old daughter. I was over the moon in love with her and still am.

Second time i have struggled to bond, regretted what weve done and literally everything else everyone has mentioned above. Things have got a bit better but Im still having the same feelings. I now can see light at the end of my tunnel and am positive to keep faking it until we make it.

Thank you to everyone I will keep reading all posts on this thread for sure!

Joy thinking of you.

Leannebam glad things are better. 'Fake it 'til you make it' has really helped me too.

Why?!

How are things going OP?

Hi there,
I thought I would post an update on this thread as I have been reading other people's posts with interest. Our son W was placed with us last November aged 18months. As I have posted before he was miserable, every day he whinged about EVERYTHING. We got through every day - but I didn't really LIKE him - let alone love him! Worse still he always seemed to be charming around other people - he even liked my partner - and everyone used to say how lovely he was & how delighted we must be etc etc. It felt as though he just didn't like ME and I felt like a fraud calling myself his Mum.
Like others here I thought I'd made a dreadful mistake.
BUT here we are 14months on and it's a very different story. We have definitely turned a corner. He is smiley, giggly and a bit cheeky. He is affectionate and cuddly and chooses to be with me - a massive change from even 3 months ago. I think part of it is that he's started talking so is less frustrated and far more interactive. I can make him laugh and we sing songs together. It's felt like a long haul but worth it - and yes I do love him now.
So I guess the message is 'hang on in there'. I didn't think we'd get to this stage - but we have.

I hope things work out for everyone here too
Kirsty

Hi everyone, thanks so much for asking how I am, sorry I’ve been so slow to reply. Things seem to have definitely turned a corner and I can’t quite believe I’m saying that. The higher dose of citaloptam took awhile to kick in and before it did things got even worse. I totally couldn’t function and just cried all day. I went to stay with my mum just before Christmas and hubby took baby J to his mums. Luckily I was well enough to join them on Christmas Day.
I’ve been given 6 counselling sessions funded by my LA and I’ve had 2 so far. Just to have someone who specialises in brains and adoption say ‘I’m not surprised you felt like that’ really helps.
We’ve got matching panel next month (although she’s been with us since birth) and then we can put the paperwork in because she’ll already have been here over 10 weeks. I can’t say that I love her yet but I really like her and caring for her now seems much more natural. Depression, whether PAD or PND completely takes over and clouds your thinking. I can’t thank people enough on here for telling me not to make any decisions until I was well again. I am still struggling with some complex emotions, baby J had her final contact with birth mum yesterday which I thought I’d be relieved about but I just felt sad, but I’m looking forward to being her mum. X

Absolutely fantastic news, OP!

Fantastic!

I’m so pleased you’re feeling better! I honestly think it’s like a rock hitting you when they move in, and you’ve got to relearn how to do everything! I hope you continue to feel better, and let us know how the adoption order gets on. I don’t know if your SW has warned you, but it usually takes two or three hearings before it goes through, don’t let it dishearten you, it’ll get there!

Lovely update! Praying that things continue on the up. Sadness for the birth family is very natural and normal. In fact if people did not feel natural empathy to the birth family I would have concerns. Every things is sounding positive for a good outcome but remember don’t put pressure on yourself - I imagine you still have a long road ahead. Take each day one day at a time.

Lovely update OP. Keep going, baby steps

Absolutely brilliant update! Well done OP. So happy for you. Onwards and upwards. X

Oh I am over the moon to read this. So v pleased for you. Well done and glad this forum was there for you when you needed it. Enjoy your little girl xxx

Lovely update, so happy for you 😊

Thanks everyone. Your support really has meant so much. Many times I re-read your messages of encouragement when I felt that I just couldn’t go on. More needs to be taught about PAD during the adoption process, or in the case of my LA, anything at all.

Glad to hear things are heading in the right direction. Hang in there xx

So so glad to read this! I shared my story under a different user name on here. Pay it forward OP, share your success story the next time somebody posts in a panic like you did. I posted about PAD a few years ago and people supported me and I swore I would try to help others. Such a good feeling to know our stories helped you

Oh Joy you absolute hero! It took so, so much for you to hang on through that and You Did It. Never forget the huge reserves of strength inside you, you are amazing.

That’s such lovely news, I’m delighted for you. I was saying yesterday that there needs to be much more said about how hard life can be from intros onwards. If someone had told me I might feel like I was going crazy, I might have been prepared for it, or at least wouldn’t have felt like I was just not cut out for motherhood.

Keep on keeping on, well done 😀

Thankyou 🙂 yes, that’s it exactly, feeling like you’re going crazy and that you’re not cut out to be a parent