One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

Hello Joy good to hear from you. Really you're doing amazingly, persisting with your GP and finding a way through this physically, mentally and emotionally. Bodies are strange things, and hormones are extremely powerful, so I'd agree with you that if yours have gone haywire for any reason then it's only making a tough situation even harder. I honestly can't remember whether my hormones were affected - I suspect it's a blessing that my memories of early months are a bit blurry...

As in a previous post, I'd agree definitely that any time spent taking care of yourself is precious - whether that's getting out for a walk or coffee child-free, or a long uninterrupted bath. Maybe try and get those times agreed with your partner, and use them to take particular physical care of your exhausted body?

It's been a long day and my brain is tired but I will PM you in the morning and try and make more sense

My hormones were affected. For 2 cycles just before and just after the adoption I had really odd period pains weeks before my period came (I've never had that before)and I even felt like I was pregnant somehow. My cycle has been out of kilter too even though I'm normally 25 days every time. Other adopters have mentioned painful breasts.

So I definitely think your hormones are at play here. They will settle down and you'll start to feel better soon. You're in my thoughts. Sending best wishes.

Thankyou for your replies. The doctor phoned today to say my iron is very low (ferrretin 15 if that means anything to anyone) so I’m hoping that with supplements it will make me feel better. I suppose I’m hoping it’s been affecting my mood too. LO’s social worker came round today to say that final hearing had been moved from mid January to Monday. As in 3 days away. She was lovely though and said that because everything has happened so fast, she would support us not going to matching panel until Feb to give us time to process everything and get my body back to normal hopefully. I’m going to my mums (I don’t live near her) for the weekend for some TLC, Thankyou again everyone for your thoughts and support x

Hi Joy, my advice would be to see if you can get the LA to agree to you finding your own Counsellor and then they foot the bill. It's important you find one you feel you have a rapport with.
Also, I had post-adoption depression earlier this year after our daughter came to us. I spent many months thinking I was doing her no good at all, feeling very low and barely functional. Citalopram helped, plus good counselling and reducing my expectations of myself. My periods also went bonkers - in the other direction to yours, they disappeared for about eight months. I thought it was menopause time! It seems reasonable though that our hormones go crazy considering all the massively heightened emotions.
Big hug to you xx
Ps - my relationship with my daughter is now 100% better, I adore her. In hindsight I was too overwhelmed to bond with her.

Hi joy. How are things going. I am still thinking of you and sending support x

Hi Joy, also thinking of you here.

Don't let ideas of fictional happy Christmas with your much longed for child sucker you into feeling depressed either. Our first Christmas was a disaster, so much that it forever reset my expectations for what a nice Christmas should be and even though the following year for very different reasons should have been a busted flush, I found it very pleasant.

Child doesn't care, so you don't need to care either! Plenty of rest and walks and low expectations and I hope you have as pleasant a holiday period as you can.

Hi, thanks for your messages. Unfortunately things have got worse. Citaloptam has been put up to 40mg and LA have finally got me a counsellor after Christmas. I wake up having a panic attack and then spend the next few hours crying. The doctor says I’m depressed but I’m getting seriously worried that I just don’t want to parent LO. I don’t know what to do. The longer we have her the more my husband loves her but I don’t want to make a decision that I’ll regret if I’m not well at the moment. Panel is mid Feb so I’ve got a bit of time to decide but each day seems harder and I don’t know what to do

I understand your concern about the longer it goes on the more it makes a decision difficult but you are obviously depressed and not in a godplace to make any decision until the treatment begins to work. Most people are not dealing with PND with the decision of whether to keep their child looming over them. Is there any way you can delay Feb panel? I can't help feeling it would be wiser to get the depression sorted before making any life changing decisions. And my understanding is that the citalopram (at the higher dose) will take a week or two to work.

I know you're worried that it isn't depression but from an amateurs point of view who had PAD (though not as badly as yours) I cannot tell you how much it clouds your thinking.

Keep talking to us (and the people around you) and whatever decisions you make, the depression needs sorting. It really isn't going to go away on it's own - even if you decided that this isn't the right path for you at the moment, I'd lay money on the fact that you won't feel any better. I don;t mean that in a depressing way but to underline that the problem most likely IS depression.

I hope the AD's improve the situation even if a little so you can get some relief over Christmas and maybe with some CBT in the New Year you'll be better equipped to make some decision.

Thankyou - you’re reply made me cry in Tesco car park

Joy I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Sending love to you Joy, please keep writing to us.
Hx

If it makes you augh (rather than cry) someone once said said to me (after having a baby) that they were going to adopt next time as it was easier... havng struggled with any number of things in the early days, I thought I was quite restrained not head-butting them.

Basically, what Kewcumber said. Be very gentle and kind to yourself, it must be agonising waiting for the meds to work when each day is so hard, but please do keep doing what you're doing - hang on, keep talking to your GP, keep giving the meds a chance to work. If you can possibly avoid making any big decisions, I would do that. When life is awful, the temptation is to change something, change anything at all, to see if it might help. But (just as during grief) that compulsion to kind of force change just because the staying still feeling is so hard, does you no favours long term. That might be why walking can help - it gives a bit of relief from that trapped feeling. I hope the medication does its job very soon and brings the brain chemicals back to where they need to be. Are you getting treatment for your low ferritin too? I believe that can cause significant anxiety feelings when low, so no wonder you're feeling hammered from all sides!

I just happened to see this on active threads and wanted to comment on the low ferritin. No wonder you feel awful with that on top of everything else. It’s only now I feel normal again I realise how dreadful I felt with low ferritin - tired, very anxious, hair falling out etc. It can also most definitely affect your mood when you feel so rough.

Hopefully the iron supplements will make you feel more like your own self. I think it took a couple of weeks for me to feel an improvement, and a few months to feel like my old self again. Hopefully in a few weeks you’ll be on track to feeling more like your old self again.

I basically agree with everything Kewcumber said.
I'm so sorry you're going through this it must feel impossible.
Getting your own health under control must be the priority, before any decision are to be made.
Is there anyway to delay the February panel?
Sending strength x

I feel that you will regret your choice if you give up, if this was a birth child you wouldn't have this option you would solider on and get better. I have have PND. Get better stop worrying you will get there. Keep talking we are listening

Sorry to hear you are still struggling. Hang in there and keep talking . Hope the counselling helps and meds kick in v soon xxx

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t what you thought it would be, I’m sorry your health has taken such a hit - I honestly thought I was having a breakdown at one point after mine were placed. At that point I would have happily handed them back given half a chance. Medication and therapy have helped no end and I’m much clearer in my own mind.

It’s hard to understand how much adoption triggers off in you as a new parent and how vulnerable you can feel. Get Christmas out of the way, try to look after yourself and let yourself recover a bit. You may or may not feel differently down the line, no one can predict that, but your decision making will feel stronger if you are in a more stable place.

Thankyou everyone. I honestly can’t tell you how much I appreciate your messages. For those that have had PAD, could you tell me how you felt,if it’s not too hard? And what you did to get through it? In my calmer moments I am aware that I’m somehow transferring all my grief and confusion and general overwhelmed-ness onto LO which is completely unfair. But when I wake in the morning and think of her I feel a dread and tight-chestedness that is almost unbearable. She’s a lovely little girl, it’s definately me and not her, I wish so much I could lift this feeling of sadness and terror and just enjoy that I’ve always wanted.

And how long it lasted - although I am aware this is completely different for everyone

Gish I adopted 12 years ago so (though you may not beleive this!) it is a dim and distant memory now. I do remember crying a lot and feeling totally inadequate. I thought I was absolutely hopeless at being a parent and my mum (who stayed with me in the early days) seemed so much better and TBH she had a bit of a tendency to take over, when I think I would have been better left to do things myself - but who knows.

I once cried because the rear-facing pram I had wouldn't push in the right direction properly!

I also remember my mum giving me a break and me feeling so relieved, then when I was out without DS I felt like I was doing a terrible thing and abandoning him. I can remember thinking that I would never be happy again as I couldn't be happy with him and I couldn't be happy wihout him.

I don;lt recall now exactly when it started to improve but I think in my case it got started getting better after about 3 months - but that was partly for some practical reasons.

The fact that everyone kept telling me how lovely he was and how lucky I was made it so much worse! He was and I was but at the time I was really struggling to bond - I felt like I was the only person who didn't appreciate him.

Gosh obviously rather than Gish which makes no sense.

I felt awful. Like I had no relationship with these two little people, couldn’t connect with them (especially my DD) and that I had made the worst mistake possible. I cried every day at some point for the first 4/5 months, at one point I phoned my husband in tears demanding he come home because I couldn’t work the tv. I buried myself in the practical cleaning, tidying, cooking because I didn’t want to get close to these kids because I was the shittest mother ever - all while they needed to be glued to me all day. I had no patience, a short temper and was shouty shouty with them.

I could hardly sit still, couldn’t rest or relax. It was awful. There were a couple of things in the mix which increased my anxiety levels no end, therapy helped me cope day to day and things got much better when I combined therapy with medication. 16 months in and I’ve just spent a lovely evening listening to them giggle and play together.

It’s not an overnight thing, and feels horrendous but it’s such a normal part of the process for some folk.

Hi Joy121,
This is my first post, I am in a similar stage in placement as you. I have to admit I had similar panic attacks and felt like I could be sick every morning for about the first month of our placement. This thread has been so reassuring as I was beginning to feel like the worst person in the world. It's so hard, so many expectations and when the time comes you realise you do not have a clue what you are doing (and sometimes why you are doing it!).

I hope this gives you some reassurance that you are not alone.

Xxx

For the first 3months I could barely feed her or cuddle her. I felt sick when I thought about her. My husband had to take time off work to parent her. He was our saviour. He adored her from day one and he took over all caring duties. He changed her, fed her. I couldn’t bare it although I don’t recall why. I made an effort to do something each day. Whether it was feed her lunch once or change a nappy or play with her. My heart breaks when I think of her beautiful, innocent smiley face.

Had we not had my husband we would have disrupted. If you are still struggling like this then your husband needs to take more steps to help. Can he share adoption leave with you? Can he take a few weeks compassionate? Having the option not to engage with her helped me to recover.

Slowly I came out of the black hole. It took about 6months to recover completely. My heart actually hurts now when I think about what would have happened if I had given her back. We are now 3 years later and I would die for her.

I hope this helps