One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

Oh I'm not quite sure what to say. Just wanted to offer some reassurance. Having a new baby is huge. Be kind to yourself. Talk to the health visitor, talk to your social worker, they will both be used to a huge variety of reaction from adoptive and birth parents. And congratulations.

Hi Joy.
I'm a fairly new adopted mummy too 6 months in with a 2 and a half year old. Obviously different circumstances to yourself but what I wanted to say was talk to your SW they are there to help they are not big bad wolves they want and need the placement to work for Everyone but mainly your little girls as she is paramount. It's very normal to feel how u feel even if the child was biological it's a huge change to you your relationship your family everything. Try not to beat yourself up. If your like me and probably many new adopted parents questioning the decision etc don't. Also we had similar years of infertility and if like me you almost feel you have to be grateful you can't complain etc and you need to be superman but you don't! You are a new mum like everyone else so don't be afraid. Talk to your support network. If you have a friend call her doesn't matter if you cry it's ok. Talk to your hubby have a hug too but definitely talk to SW. Best of luck . Happy yo chat if u want.
Claire

You’ll find that most people on here will say they had a really difficult time at the start. I’m one of them! I can really relate to what you are describing - I felt sick, anxious and was convinced I’d done the wrong thing. I also cried every day for weeks wondering why I had ruined my life. At the same time, people kept saying that I must be over the moon, and how this was the best time in my life - frankly, I wanted to punch them and scream that they had no idea what I was going through. The whole thing felt utterly surreal. Who was this child and why were they in my house? Does any of this sound familiar?

Fast forward a few months and I really am the happiest I have ever been and the love I have for my DC is of a kind I’ve never known before. I love them with all my heart. It does get better, I really will. You are in the very early days of placement, and your life has been turned upside down. What you’re experiencing is absolutely normal, do ask for help. I told my SWs how I felt and they were fantastic. Last thing they want is a disruption, so they will do everything they can to help you.

In the meantime, some practical suggestions:

1. Try and get some time to yourself - have a bath, go for a walk, watch your favourite programme
2. rest when baby rests
3. forget all housework
4. reach out to others support. Ask if people can sit with the baby for an hour while you do something for yourself. Your baby is very young, this won’t have any negative effect on your bunting. Your baby is very young, this won’t have any negative effect on your bonding
5. get as much rest as you can, things always seem worse when you’re tired. I know this is hard with very young baby so see the point above
6. Get some fresh air and some decent food. You need energy
7. don’t be isolated. Get people to come visit you but make sure when they come they do something to help! Don’t run around after them making tea etc - they are not the ones with a new baby.
8. talk to people on mumsnet when you need to - we’ve all been there
9. talk to DH - work as a team as you’ll both need support

Others will have more advice I’m sure, but until then

I was you back in April!

For the first 2 weeks I didn't even like our LO, didn't want to spend any time with him, made excuses to not be with him (like I had to do some work), I hated him for changing my life and making it revolve around him and his schedule, thought my life was over and that I could never go out or see my friends again.

I was also scared to tell the SW in case they took him off me, and didn't tell them.

BUT, with the support from friends (who said they went through the exact same thing with their BC), my OH (who was amazingly supportive), and also people on here, I got through it.

I realised this was NORMAL! YOU are NORMAL! Your feelings are NORMAL!
I think a lot of people don't voice how they feel as they're embarrassed or ashamed, or think people will judge them, but once you do, and you realise that it isn't just you that has felt this way, it gets easier.

I spent more time with LO, realised he was scared too, that he'd been uprooted from TWO homes he'd known in his 6 months of living, and also remember why I did this and went through this process.

It gets easier, I promise you!

Please don't beat yourself up, don't think you're a bad person, and don't feel ashamed of being honest. You have made a great step in admitting to us your feelings.

Have you told your OH how you feel? If not, please do.
Have you spoken to any of your friends who have kids? If not, please do.

I now have a 1 year old who is amazing, I love him more every day, and want to spend more time with him! If he cries I want to go to him, I want to make him better and make him feel loved and secure, and would now die to protect him.
Our adoption order went through recently, and I am excited and proud to call him my son.

Happy for you to PM me if you want to, I have been there. xxx

Thankyou so much ladies for responding. I feel like I could bear things more if I could just bond with her. I don’t know why I haven’t, she lovely but it’s like I’m dead inside. I just want to hide away and sleep to stop from feeling so sick and anxious. I really hope I can be like others who say it passes. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I'm sending you the biggest hug. I'm still in the process so haven't been there and can't offer practical suggestions, but I do know from friends who've had much wanted birth children that they felt the same way. It's that thing, isn't it, of wanting something so much for so long and then when you get it, it doesn't possibly feel like you thought it would feel; be how you thought it would be. Be kind to yourself, whatever you do - the above advice all seems pretty sound. Admitting this to yourself and wanting to feel better is a brave step xx

Joy I am not an adoptive mother so I apologise if my comment is out of place, but, in relation to your comment on bonding, I struggled to bond with my eldest child post birth. I felt like you. Devastated, scared, anxious and a fraud. But, as the weeks and months (and years!) went on, and his personality (and my confidence) grew, our bond strengthened. Four years down the line, we have a great bond. And no one looking at us now would ever know. Many, many people experience the same emotions as you. It will get better and easier (and harder!) please allow yourself some time to adjust!

Thankyou. If you feel like this, is it normal to slightly resent the baby? I have no idea what for, it’s just this kind of horrible mean feeling that I don’t recognise in myself. I let my husband change her and soothe her when he offers so I don’t have to. I usually love babies, I adore my nieces and nephews. Please tell me this ugly feeling passed, I don’t want LO to miss out on any love because of my feelings

I resented our LO initially, thought he had ruined my life. Poor thing.

I let my OH do everything, the feeding, nappies, waking in the night, playing, I literally only looked after LO if OH needed a wee.....

LO hadn't done anything wrong, apart from being scared and just being a baby. I could do all the practical stuff, knew how to do it, but didn't know how constant it was.
Time though taught me that it's okay to have wobbles, and normal! My life isn't over, I still see my friends, occasionally go out and get drunk (!), and have my OH and support network to go to if I need to.

I also LOVE watching our LO change every day, seeing what a happy little boy he is, knowing he loves me as much as I love him.

The love will come, as I saw it I didn't love my OH the instant I met him, it came with time. The same will happen with your baby, and it happened with mine. A lot of BP don't automatically love their children.

I was birth mother to mine, and the shock of having a new born was totally unexpected and overwhelming. I resented her and wanted time on my own. I think your feelings are more common than you realise.

We didn't do F2A but omg the first 6 weeks were awful. Please remember that you are not alone. The best thing we did was ask our SW for extra support - perhaps they might have someone you can talk to who has done F2A before?

We are 10 months in and I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life, but those first six weeks were traumatic and horrible.

I have heard this story so many times on adoption forums. It is so common and many have been there and come back out the other side so please don't feel ashamed or a failure.
If you have a look on the adoption UK website under difficult times on the forum you will find lots of advice that might help.
Hang in there it will be ok xxx

We are 2 months in, the first few weeks I really questioned what we had done, I am slowly getting into the swing of things. I have 2 preschoolers so not the same thing, but I find it helps to get out and about with them. I also try to get myself showered, hair done and make-up on (occasionally) before my husband leaves for work. I walk the dog before they wake and after they have gone to bed (this has been really valuable to me), and when the hubby gets home from work, I sneak out for 10mins in the fresh air (on my own). Can you plan with your husband an afternoon off for yourself or just a few hours maybe? I have just had a few hours off this afternoon and spent some vouchers I had left over. It was nice to have something to look forward to. It sounds awful, but for the first few weeks I had to view it as a job, it helped me keep my sanity. I even had tea breaks (I put them in front of the tv) and when shift was over (hubby was home) I went for a walk). You are not alone in feeling like this.

Birth mother here - the first few month of my oldest's life were probably the worst of mine. Absolutely desperate, exhausted, resentful, shocked, ashamed. Looking back, I think the sleep deprivation is a big part of it - you have to cope with this completely new situation, which you discover is something you are simply not prepared for, while having no more than a few hours of proper sleep at a time, and being relentlessly on duty all through the day too.
I honestly believe that if human beings didn't have such a strong urge to reproduce, no one would ever have more than one child.
As others have said, you need some more rest, some time to yourself, and gradually this will come good - really. So ask for help, it will be ok.

If you feel like this, is it normal to slightly resent the baby?

Yup. This: I have heard this story so many times on adoption forums.

What you are feeling is entirely normal. You've just gone through an incredibly hard and intrusive adoption process, after a hard and intrusive fertility process. You thought getting the kid home was the end of that difficulty, but in many ways now is the hard bit.

Having had post adoption depression, I can tell you:

1. It gets easier.
2. Kids are brilliant- totally worth it.
3. The toddler bit is possibly even harder....
4. ....but even more rewarding.
5. Fake it 'till you make it. Keep building those bonds and doing everything you should- you'll grow into it.

When I first took my foster to adopt baby home the first night I handed him to my oh, burst into tears and said I can't do this. Oh was horrified. The first few months were tough. I felt out of my depth. What your feeling is normal.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Take one day at a time.
In terms if practical advice I found infant massage helped us bond. Also wearing baby in a sling.

Thankyou so much. Did you find that as time went by your physical feelings (if you had any) like nausea and lack of appetite got better too? I really do appreciate all your responses.

Having done foster to adopt twice now with new borns I wonder is some of what you are feeling a subconscious out pouring of fears around the uncertainty that surrounds foster to adopt. I know I was very emotional the first week of our first baby. It was not surrounding her or the day to day care it was around the period of uncertainty that stretched ahead of me.

Be kind to yourself, love did most certainly come instantly for us. It gradually grew until one day as I gave her a hug I thought I can’t let you go incase you slip away. There is a phrase common in the adoption world “fake it until you make it,”

However what you may be experience is post adoption depression, the same as post natal depression. This is actually quite common and you most definitely should consider even talking to your go about it. If things don’t settle for you in the next week or two do reach out for advice around this.

Make time for you each day. A bath and a cup of tea was my self care each day.

I am hugely greedy but hardly ate for the first 6 weeks and lost quite a bit of weight. It’s all back on now though!

Oh my goodness, it’s only been a week and you’ve got a teeny tiny baby - I’d be worried if you didn’t feel anxious and overwhelmed and questioning everything. It’s very very early to expect to bond with your little one, my two are older but it took me a good 6-9 months to really have a bond with my DD and even now over a year in I still sometimes feel like I’m minding my kids for someone else. It feels less and less that way, but it’s still there occasionally.

The anxious sick feeling did pass for me, but it took a while. This is a huge life change and even though it’s desperately wanted, it’s still a shock.

Try to get some space if you can, it’s ok to cry if you need to (I cried every day for weeks), go easy on yourself - your feelings are so very normal. It does get easier.

Just adding my handhold to everyone else's! If you are managing to hang on in survival mode at this stage, you are doing Very Well. This is so, so hard emotionally and physically and in every other way. Take tiny steps, and try to be gentle with yourself. If you and your partner can take turns to have short breaks, definitely do that. If all you can manage to do in those breaks is sit in the airing cupboard crying and eating biscuits, then that's fine (me? Don't know what you mean...) but if you can get outside for a few minutes, it's amazing how much difference it can make. I clawed my way through the early days 30 minutes at a time, feeling absolutely desperate that here I was with "everything I always wanted" and I just felt isolated and miserable.

We are more than 4 years in now, and if you look at my other thread (titled National adoption week) you'll see a remarkable number of us are doing absolutely fine now. This sick feeling will pass, it will, I promise. Just take one very small step at a time.

Everything got better. Looking after a new born is physically hard as well as emotionally. The sleep deprivation takes its toll, babies seem to need you just as your about to sit down and eat. Add to that the stress of the FtA situation. It's not surprising your having physical symptoms of stress.
It will get better. Bonding takes time. Learning to be a parent takes time too. Children turn your world upside down and that takes some getting used to.
Is all this worth it? Absolutely.

Joy121 sweetie it is very early days.

I did feel resentment for my new birth child, 13 years ago, she's now a stroppy teen! Our adopted son came walking and talking and so that was a bit different.

I wonder if some of your feelings are just the enormity of it all! Cut yourself some slack. I wonder if you just need to stick to he basics for a few days...

Sleep, sleep when baby sleeps. Honestly this is the best advice I ever got. Prioritize your sleep and take naps when baby does.

Eat well, make sure you are getting good nutritious food.

Faking it til you make it, as mentioned up thread. Honestly, tell your new baby you love her. I wonder if you are fearful of this whole process and so mentally holding back. Honestly three days is so early.

Loads of good advice on here. Just hang on in there. Bonding and attaching takes time, do the bits you can, share the tasks with dh is you need to. Take some photos of your lovely daughter. Congratulate yourself on getting so far.

Just take one very small step at a time.& Great advice from Magic*.

Thankyou everyone. Talking to birth mums who had post natal depression it’s very common to reject your baby temporarily but I didn’t know it could happen to adoptive mums because we don’t have the hormones from pregnancy. I still don’t really understand it when I’ve longed for this for so long but I’m clinging to the hope that it will get better x

It’s veey normal and will get better. I’m 5 years in and love my kids to bits but I still can’t eat certain foods due to the nausea and anxiety that I felt in the early weeks. It’s completly put me off a couple of foods and I’m normally a big eater!! Adoption is a strange and wonderful process but the early days are soooooo hard. Be kind to yourself