One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

Just to add to the amazing advice already given, if there is any way you are able to access counselling now then do. It would probably have to be privately or through a charity due to NHS wait times, but if you can afford it then try and see someone as soon as you can. You need a safe place to work through these feelings before you make any decision. Unfortunately Citalopram will take a few weeks to be effective but keep in mind that the relief it will bring is coming. Be kind to yourself

I don't know is this will
Help and please adopters don't shoot
Me down for this I am a foster carer and fostered a little baby who went on to
Adoption

Having had birth children I really didn't get that the love for a child that is not your own can just be as strong with time.

As time went on with the
Little one I cared for I realised how ignorant I had been and fell in love with this little baby and grieved when she left..

But and this is the bit I hope may help you this was not immediate initially or was just
A baby someone else's I was looking after And whilst I met the babies needs
I did not love her they way I did when she left.

I feel for adopters as I think they put pressure
On themselves and understand wanting something so much and then been
On
Shock please be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

A little alien (baby) has just come in to your life it is a
Massive thing please please
Please give yourself time and don't destroy yourself for being human
Xxx

iwilkkeepthishouseclean, nicely put.

Love grows.

@Joy121 I keep thinking about you and I hope you're as okay as can be. I promise that this, like everything, will pass. One day at a time, one morning, one afternoon, one hour, one minute... tiny steps, deep breaths. All the advice everyone has given you is sound - I know you're in turmoil now, in a sort of chaotic emotional mess (that I regconise well from a very different, but similar feeling, situation), but I promise it WILL pass. This is not how you will feel forever. There is hope - there is ALWAYS hope.

I can only speak from experience - and I know this is different for everyone - but I know that when I was in that swirling, sorrowful darkness that I was in no fit state to make big decisions - or, actually, any decisions. Lean on those who you love. Lean on the professionals. Look after yourself. Thinking of you xx

Joy, how are you today, I hope things are better, with my birth child I just looked at him the thought what have I done, I had PND, you will get to where you need to be

Thinking of you too Joy

Hi Joy, how are things today? I know the early days are so so tough, and can remember the sheer panic that I'd ruined several lives in the weeks following placement with our AD. Antidepressants helped hugely, with starting to feel that I could do this, but also getting out, meeting other mums, starting to have some fun times. Is there a children's centre nearby which could link you up with other new mums, or is there any kind of adopters group near you?

Alongside this, self care is key, time out away from the baby (my DH and I took it in turns to have some 'time off' ) talking is important, but also to make a plan. What could make this tough time more bearable for you? Your instincts will want to run away (fight/flight), and it's so hard to work against those instincts, but in this case, spending quality times with your baby will help. What parts of being a mum were you looking forward to? I focussed on dressing AD in impossibly cute clothes, which helped me to feel proud of her, which in turn helped our bond to grow.

Things will get better I promise, but in these first few weeks be gentle with yourself, and break time down into manageable chunks. I'm a huge believer in time outside the house when you're feeling low, which feels like an achievement, noticing new things. I hated every minute of the early days and desperately wanted to disrupt, but I'm so so glad I worked through it.

You can do this, and feel free to PM xx

How are you all Joy?x

Joy! Stop ignoring everybody. Cruel to be kind now... this isn't going to go away. You need to get some help!
You CAN do this.
The feelings WILL grow in time.
But you NEED to stop sticking head in sand.
Reality check is this... if you disrupt this placement then there is unlikely to be another any time soon.
You are not cruel to your daughter, you are not neglectful - you are parenting just fine and the feelings will come in time.
Please, pull up big girl pants and hang on in there - you can do this.
And you can all be happy.

@Joy121 how are you, do not say if you do not wish to.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore everyone and I’m not sticking my head in the sand, I’ve just been trying to cope day to day. I’ve been referred to Healthy Minds for PAD so I’m hoping that will help me make sense of everything. We had the CLA meeting yesterday and were told that final hearing has been brought forward by a couple of months. I’m really trying to develop some sort of bond whilst trying to get myself better. Thankyou all for thinking of me, I’m sorry if I offended anyone by not replying.

@Joy121 don't you worry about updating if you don't want to, you have lots on. Glad you are still hanging on and further help has been sought.

Take a minute to think back to the day you started this thread...I bet you didn't think you'd get this far. But you have, it's not easy, so please take a moment to realise just how strong you are.

We are all here to offer any support we can, so use this thread as you need to, but do not apologise, you don't need to carry anything else. All the best and keep moving forward. xx

You don’t owe anyone a response here - it would be awful if a thread seeking support started to feel like yet another pressure to keep up with.

Glad that you’re getting some support, hang in there - I wonder if rather than trying to develop a bond it might be worth just doing the day to day care. I know with my two the bond took a while, they were older and honestly just getting to the end of the day was hard going - if you look at my threads a year ago you’ll see that I felt like I was losing my mind.

What got me through was doing the daily care stuff, playing with them, getting them outside in fresh air (I’d advocate that even for tiny babies) and making sure I had time every day away from the kids. I worked at building a relationship with them - from there the bond took care of itself. I worried at one point that I wouid never love one of mine, at one point I actively disliked her, but just say by day going through the motions really helped.

As an adopted child, now nearly 50, and a Mum to 2 DS, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to not be pregnant but be given a baby to mother. I only wish my Mum (adopted Mum) was still here for me to tell her how much I admire her for loving me.

Keep going, take any support on offer, and let time help you adjust. It's not you, it's nature! I grew up desperate to believe nurture was everything but now I have my own I realise nature plays a big part too.

So hope it works out for you all.

"I’m sorry if I offended anyone by not replying"

Sweetheart no one is offended. Every one just cares about you.

We've listened to your story and we want you to be well. That's all. You owe us nothing and we don't want yo be a burden to you.

Keep going.

So pleased to hear back from you. You will get there I'm sure,

Oh god I was you, almost 5 years to the day. I remember saying to my dh when he asked if I loved her, I replied I’m not sure I even like her tbh. I’d already got one birth child and I desperately wanted this adopted dc. But when she arrived? Dear god I felt terrible, even to the extent that I pushed back the final hearing as I wasn’t sure. But I did go through with it as I didn’t want my dd to have to go back, and part of me didn’t want to be seen to fail it abandon a child. But I’m glad to say I’m happy it’s worked out the way it did. I do love and also like (most if the time ) my dd. She’s a ball of energy but I’d not have her any other way.

It is early days and everything you ate feeling and going through is normal.

I'm so sorry. Didn't mean to put additional pressure on you. Was just trying a shock tactic I suppose.
Really sorry. Hope you're ok x x

How are you all doing Joy?

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your messages. Hearing all of your experiences has really helped me see that how I’ve been feeling is normal. Things seem to be abit easier, I’m finding it less of a struggle to care for her. The loving, bonded feelings are still not there but I’m taking comfort in that many of you ladies said it took a long time and happened gradually.
I’m going to try and find a counsellor that specialises in infertility to work through the grief of not being able to have children. I thought I’d already dealt with it, but apparently not. I’m hoping that once I’ve processed that I’ll be in a better position to bond with this little one. At the moment, every time she goes to contact (twice a week) it reminds me afresh that I’m looking after another woman’s baby because I can’t have one myself. I hope that doesn’t upset any of you amazing adoptive mums.
Thankyou everyone for your advice and support x

Oh my goodness, why on Earth are they doing twice weekly contact with a month old baby on foster to adopt, no wonder you’re struggling. Your head will be everywhere and how confusing for the little one. Do you have a sense of how far they are through their parenting assessment for birth mum?

What an awful situation. I wonder if reframing your thinking might help a bit? So instead of “I’m looking after another woman’s baby because I can’t have one myself”, “I’m mothering this tiny baby because her birth mum can’t give her the care that she needs now and may not ever be able to”.

So glad to hear you're feeling a little better. With my second child I felt like I was stealing him from the foster carer who was calling herself mummy. It took a long time for him to feel like mine not hers, and that was without the extra complication of contact. Sending good wishes to your family.

Unfortunately that is the nature of the beast with foster to adopt but I adopted my foster child and had months of contact twice a week before the placement order was issued . It was hard to bond completely even though we knew the plan was for us to be approved to adopt once it was through ( so not quite foster to adopt but as near as damn it) but it all went through and our son is absolutely ours now.
Really those days are a dim and distant memory so hang in there and hope things continue to feel better.

Lovely to get an update from you Joy, so pleased things are slowly starting to improve. Sending hugs

It's still early days @Joy121

I'm 15 months in with my adopted children and I still have very bad days of not coping. Mine were 3.3 when they moved in and their needs were very demanding in different ways. I locked myself away from friends and family for the first 3 months. I struggled so much.

What I will say and I wish someone told me is please speak to your doctor. I'm convinced I had PAND post natal adoption depression. I was at my lowest.

There is help out there. Sending hugs 🤗