One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

I know I've posted this elsewhere before but I have a blog post "Another womans child" which you might identify with.

surelyitshouldntbethatcomplicated.com/2018/11/02/another-womans-child/

I hope things continue to improve slowly.

It took me a very long time to bond with my birth child (he was prem, he was in an incubator, and I remember looking at him and wondering who he really was - I was supposed to be pregnant for months yet, and then have a baby not a scrawny chick-like thing).Even though I had a much quicker bond with my adopted child, I still had days where I was hit by shock and doubt at what had just happened to my life, and whether DH and I had made a terrible mistake

Fake it until you make it - but get help to get there

Hey, hello - I just read your post and what you said resonated with my own experience. We waited 3 years to adopt and finally got W a year ago. He was immensely whingey - and by that I mean seriously, monumentally miserable. I understand that this was a massive change for him but both his foster carer and social worker had said the same about him before he was placed with us. I started to wonder whether this was his personality rather than just a response to his situation. He's a lovely looking little boy and other people used to comment on how wonderful he was and how happy we must be to have him - but I just felt like a fraud because I really didn't like him a lot of the time.
A year on and it's starting to feel better. Not great every day, but better. He smiles now and will accept cuddles. He still prefers Daddy to me and has the odd day when he's just grizzly and miserable - but I feel it's starting to come - and there are certainly days now when I like / love him.
Like you I would say that my other half has coped better and is more robust and jolly in the face of W's moods. But then he is not doing the childcare 24/7.
I think the 'fake it til you make it' is good advice -certainly what I'm hoping will happen - but we're heading in the right direction. There seem to be lots of stories out there that support this way of thinking.
Good luck with your decisions and mail me if you'd like to swap emails x Kirsty

@joy121 how are you getting on?

I've had my adopted daughter for 4 weeks. On the day we went to collect her from the foster carers, I was filled with horror that I was ruining my lovely life! Everyone was saying "you must be so excited", but I wasn't at all!

After two weeks with us she got poorly and so grouchy my doubts doubled. I was convinced that she was looking at me with hatred. I'm lucky in that both me and my partner are around most of the time, so I'm able to go out of the house and do stuff, but when I would come back to the house, I'd have this awful sinking feeling.

However, I didn't put additional pressure on myself for not bonding instantly. This child is, after all a stranger. I have got to know her and today we had a really lovely day together. I feel like the bonding us coming. When she is sad, I love holding her. When she is happy and comes to me for a hug, I love it.

I hope you're in a happier place now. Don't put pressure on yourself. Even the birth mothers don't always bond - and they have the birth hormones to help them :)

Just do what you need to do as you get to know this wonderful little person whose life you have saved!

Hi all, Thankyou for asking how I am. I was doing a lot better but the last few days I just cant stop crying. I have to keep leaving the baby in another room so she doesn’t see me. I’ve had her for 9 weeks now and I don’t know what to do. My LA said they will fund counselling but haven’t found any one yet and I haven’t told them the full extent of how I’m doing. I’m under the GP and had citaloptam put up to 30mg over a month ago. I’m seriously thinking of telling my husband I can’t do this any more but all he’s ever wanted is to be a dad and I can’t have children. I feel so hopeless

Be gentle with yourself . You were doing better but now it is worse again but you are unlikely to keep going on an upward trend imo . More than likely it will be up and down but with an overall improvement over time. So hang in there. Continue to offload and seek support. There are people on here who understand and will be here all hours to over a handhold and a sympathetic ear. I have been checking to see if you have updated everyday and no doubt others are doing so as well so you are not alone if that helps.
Really it is still v early days and it takes time to bond and grow to love a little one so don't despair . I hope they get counselling sorted asap and that you start to feel a bit stronger v soon.

I have thought of you often @joy121 please do keep checking in here. We are here to support you in any circumstance - please don;t think that we all want you to just say that it's all going well now.

I cried more in the first 6 months of adoption that I think I'd cried in the whole of my 40 years before that.

You are barely 2 months in - thats hardly any time at all especially if you are depressed. I don't think things started improving for me until about month 3 and even then as Flapjack says, it wasn't a smooth upward ride but was more bumpy.

If someone gave you a random child and said yo uhave to spend near 24 hours a day with them, without the benefit of any bonding hormones, you'd be amazed if they didn;t struggle. And thats exactly what you've done.

Can you talk to your husband? If I was in this situation the additional feelings of guilt re letting down my husband would be too much. He may even be feeling something similar and not wanting to let you down. And even if he's feeling okey dokey, you need his support.

and if I can be horribly honest - I find new borns really boring

They're so much more interesting when they recognise you and smile and actually do stuff.

You might find it helpful to search for thread of new mothers who are struggling to bond with their babies on here - becasue yes it does happen and its a more similar position to foster to adopt with a newborn.

So pleased you have popped back, I felt I had made a massive mistake when I had my birth child, I also was treated with depression. I when on to have 2 more again had depression, but didn't feel I had made a mistake just OMG what have I done.

@joy121 are you getting any time away from the house to destress. My mum babysat for me so that I could go to acqua classes on a Friday evening. The combination of the time out of the hosue without DS and the exercise was a godsend.

I reckon I would have struggled with a baby. The reason why I'm beginning to bond with my 2yo is because she can do things and is learning to speak. I reckon I would find it hard if I'd had a baby. But your outcomes are likely better than mine having had your little one from birth. It's an amazing thing you're doing.

Going against the grain here and say-you've a chance of your freedom bck here, take it.
I would have done if I could and tgat was a birth child. This is someone else's child.
I have utter respect for adopters, they are amazibg. But if you sink coming home, then why are you doing it to yourself. Dont do it for your husband, he married you not a baby. He will cope.
Dont wreck your life for the sake of being a mother, if that isnt what you want
You will regret it forever, and resent it as well. You dont have to do it x

Beenoutedformyhobby

Post adoption depression is very common as many many people have commented on this thread. The vast majority of people work their way through it as with post natal depression.

Giving OP the advice to give up when you know so little of her circumstances and to say goodbye to any chance of a family is reckless.

Of course there's a chance that it may not work out but OP has plenty of time to explore this and get her depression treated before making any life changing decisions whilst her mind is clouded.

Well said Kewcumbee.

Sorry Kew if my words were wrong.
I perhaps don't understand being an adoptive mother as many here do. I just wanted to say it's ok to decide it's not for her, rather than struggling on when you deep down are miserable. To 'keep going' because you feel you have to-you don't have to.
I wasn't seeing it as PAD, but as a natural response to something which may not be working. She emphasised wanting to let her DH be a dad and needing to come to terms with infertility. She needs to do what's right for her, I think we agree on that.
I will of course not reply further and hope that the OP finds a happy future.

Adoption has been massively triggering for me for old losses and traumas I never knew I had. I feel like you urgently need to find a counsellor, do the LA not have the name of someone? Are you in an adopter network where you could just have a coffee with someone who has been through similar and understands? I still think you can get through this with the right help. We are all hoping for you, even if you feel completely hopeless.

Joy thinking of you.

Thankyou everyone. I hope this isn’t too much information but I wonder if anyone has experienced similar - since bringing LO home my cycles have gone crazy. We’ve had her for 9 weeks and my 2 periods in that time have been almost constant, this time I’ve been bleeding for 10 days and still going strong. Has anyone else’s hormones been affected this much? Im sure this is having an effect on my mood and not halting the depression. I’m physically and emotionally drained. I’ve told the GP who is looking into it with blood tests

*helping

I'm not an adoptive parent so I hope you don't mind me responding, but I can somewhat relate. My daughter was born very premature and spent 9 weeks in hospital. For those 9 weeks, all I wanted was for her to come home and for us to be a family. But when she came home I felt exactly as you describe. I would wake up having panic attacks. I would hyperventilate in my sleep when she cried. I didn't want to hold her or feed her. I think a lot of it was fear. I was terrified of being responsible for this human who was reliant on me. What she needed was a Mum and I couldn't be a "Mum" in the way that I thought I should be. I know it's not the same as adopting, but so much anticipation and building up to that moment when you can take them home puts a huge amount of pressure on making it "perfect". But "perfect" is just a concept. It's how parenting looks from the outside but, in my experience, is rarely how it feels from the inside. It's hard work. It's physically and mentally exhausting.

I accepted as much help as I could. My Mum was fantastic. And my health visitor was also great. As a lot of my feelings came from fear, it became about doing it anyway. In small steps. I would make myself hold her at least once a day. I would do all of the practical things - making up bottles, sterilising, laundry etc - for her. And gradually I would challenge myself to do more and more with her. In the very early days with a baby, you don't get a whole lot back from them, so it does feel somewhat thankless. But over time, you start to see little bits of interaction and that makes it easier to bond.

Can you access counselling in any other way so you can see someone sooner? If only in the interim.

Aside from that, try to get some sleep, make sure you eat ok and try to get some time for yourself.

I can't fully relate, but I do think that what you're experiencing is normal for many new parents, no matter the circumstances.

We’ve had her for 9 weeks and my 2 periods in that time have been almost constant, this time I’ve been bleeding for 10 days and still going strong.

Gott im Himmel, no wonder you feel like crap. The first few weeks are exhausting enough without that. It does get easier- keep leaning on your support network, be honest with everyone and hang in there.

you've a chance of your freedom bck here, take it...This is someone else's child.

I'm glad kewcumber got to this comment first. I'd have been a lot less polite if mine were the first response. An adopted child is not someone else child. The effects of disruption are devastating and it should only be done when there is no other choice.

OP you last posted a month ago, have you had any positive experiences with your baby or has it been a constant struggle for you?

I think finding a counsellor should be an absolute priority, is there anyone who can assist you with this? I really do think you should explore that option before making any drastic decisions.

Ultimately if you decide that you don't want to continue then that is entirely your choice and should be respected by your family. You sound very unwell and I just hope that you can get the support that you clearly need. What does your husband think, is he being supportive?

We’ve had her for 9 weeks and my 2 periods in that time have been almost constant, this time I’ve been bleeding for 10 days and still going strong.

That would be enough to knock anyone sideways. Have you checked in with your GP re your cycle?

I’d echo others who said the first few months were really hard going. Every single thing in your life has changed literally overnight, in ways you could never have predicted. You have a tonne of responsibility for a little one who at the same time presses every button you have. It’s going to be really hard.

Do you get time away? I mean proper couple of hours, go for a swim, go to the cinema (really good for quiet coffee and crying where no one can see you ), see a friend time away from things. Anything that reminds you that you’re still you.