One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

Just wanted to say you are not alone and that my partner and I are in the first week of placement. We’ve found the introductions incredibly difficult and draining, and we are finding we are anxious a lot of the time!

We have found the things that help are talking to our friends and family. They are our support network and we think there’s no way we could have done this without them being on the end of the phone!

Thanks so much for posting - we thought we were alone in our moments of resentment!

How are you feeling today Joy121 ?

All normal but you must seek help and keep an eye on yourself. My dd was 8m when we adopted her and I felt the same. I used to leave her with my husband while I cried up the garden. No idea why. At night when she cried, I would rock because I couldn’t bare it. My husband took over completely and I went to the doctors. The doctor told me I could still back out. I said absolutely not! I think they were playing devils advocate.
My husband took over all care but little by little began asking me to do small things. When he became very ill I had no choice. That in itself was a good thing. Took about 2months to be able to like looking after her. Took about 6months to feel love for her. Took about a year to feel that she was absolutely mine. 2 years later and I am just like any other mum. This too shall pass

Thanks for asking how I am. I woke up having a panic attack at the thought of her and it took a lot of crying to calm down. I have fed her today and when she cried my first instinct was to comfort her so that’s good progress I think. My mum is going to come and stay for a week for support, my husbands great but women can offer a different kind of support I think. Since this started I’ve found out that my mum and auntie had bad post natal depression and although I know I haven’t given birth, I think maybe I’m susceptible to it and didn’t know? My dad told me today that because we’re still in the fostering part I can still back out and although it would be the easier option I think I’ve at least got to give it more than 2 weeks. Do you ladies agree?

I am not you, but my view is to make a GP appointment and try to access every kind of support going for post-adoption depression. Try to hang on until that support has had a chance (counselling or medication or whatever's right for you), before making any big decisions.

It's ok to find life extremely hard right now. It IS extremely hard, your reaction makes total sense. But I do think the only way to healing is to keep going forwards and "through" this experience, with the right support.

It's also ok (although horrid for you) to feel scared, guilty, or like a fraud. Most of us have been there. This baby has arrived like a tsunami and you haven't had a chance to breathe or sort out your new landscape yet. You haven't had 9 months of gradual build up to the (almost) certainty of a baby. You've probably had months or years of uncertainty and then all of a sudden: real baby, screaming at you, that you've no bond with and don't know how to help. It will come, perhaps slowly, in little drops when you're not even noticing, and one day you'll suddenly realise you would face down a grizzly bear for this child, your child.

Right, well I don't think I can un-tangle a paragraph where I've used a tsunami and a grizzly bear, so I'd better stop You're not alone, but please grab every bit of real-world help you can: this is no situation to try and be a hero. Thinking of you.

I have seen some people back out when things are rough in the early days and many then bitterly regret it and want to go back but if course that is not possible so if you are going to disrupt you and your husband need to be completely sure . And I don't think that sounds like the case here at all.
If it is any help I am a foster carer and adoptor and any new placement feels like a massive mistake in the early days in my experience. I have learnt to ignore the emotional reaction as best I can because I know that a little way down the line I will feel v differently about the child
In fact our adopted child turned out to be a foster to adopt because we were looking for a child to adopt and he was placed on the understanding that we would adopt him if he was freed by the courts
I longed to adopt but honestly I found it so hard as he felt very alien to me and I was also conscious that he might not be able to stay
I think that stops you daring to bond at a subconscious level because you don't want to get hurt and try to protect yourself against that.
Anyway I knew better than to listen to my emotions and ploughed on and now I adore my son with every ounce of my being and could never imagine life without him.
I hope it helps to know that what you feel is v normal but will pass so don't make decisions based on how you feel now
Sending you a huge hug of support. Keep talking on here. I have been looking for an update all day as have others who are here to listen and offer a handhold . Xxx

Joy "My dad told me today that because we’re still in the fostering part I can still back out and although it would be the easier option I think I’ve at least got to give it more than 2 weeks. Do you ladies agree?"

I 100% agree. Please see your GP and tall to yoir social worker.

Please do every thing to make tgis work for you. I think whatever happens as long as you care for her she will be ok. But you do need to give up now. If you can care for her she will be getting the care she needs.

The fact you wanted to comfort her is good.

But you do need to not give up now.

Totally agree with MagicKeysToAsda.

I also totally agree with flapjackfairy and they have said much better than what I struggled to sat, that your fear of losing her might be interfering with your ability to enjoy your new baby.

I said "I wonder if you are fearful of this whole process and so mentally holding back." But ibkeant more ehat flapjack said!

Thankyou xx

My dad told me today that because we’re still in the fostering part I can still back out and although it would be the easier option I think I’ve at least got to give it more than 2 weeks. Do you ladies agree?

I’m not sure I do to be honest. I think 2 weeks is too little time. Honestly I thought in the early days I would happily give my daughter back but now...argh my heart would absolutely break!
I think it is important you do not give up right now, it is all so soon and raw. By all means have it in your mind that you can give back but honestly, just don’t give yourself a time limit. Panic attacks etc sound like you are just struggling to adjust, not that you are regretting it. I would tell yourself that you will reassess the situation in 2weeks, rather than make a definitive decision.

Try not to think about the rest of your life. That probably sounds strange advice, but it was given to me when I was I’m the same frame of mind as you. A friend told me not to imagine myself looking after this child forever, but just think to about the next day, and week. They said that this would help things seem more manageable. It absolutely worked for me. I adore my child now and I can’t imagine life without him. I was very close to giving up at the start, and it would’ve been the biggest mistake of my life.
Hang on in there, it will get better.

I also totally agree with flapjackfairy

Me too. Give it time. I also agree with the advice above that you have to take it one day at a time. A close friend has given birth a couple of months ago and is still all over the place.

My PAD was a slower burn- I was functional but switched off. It took me 6 months to get over it. I had the physical symptoms you describe for some time.

As I sit here with my little horrors having refused to go bed, they are the best thing in my life and I would do it all again every time.

Agree with Boomchicawowow and Pootlewasthebest a few weeks is too short a time to know if this is right.

Honestly sweetie one day at a time.

When I had dd (North child) I was in pain and tired and I didn't bond for a couple of weeks. It wasn't instant.

With ds (adopted child) it also took a while.

It's normal but I do think your reaction is extreme and a GP could help.

Birth not North!!!!!

@italiangreyhound - I love the idea of getting children from "The North", picturing somewhere with fiords etc.

Great typo..

I've been to Lapland, I think those Northern babies would be so cute!

I'm not an adoptive mummy but wether you've given birth or not sleep deprivation combined with suddenly being responsible for an entire human being is bloody scary! Feeling sick and anxious is totally normal with a new baby. Good luck OP, I'm sure you'll get through this and you're probably being a far better mummy than you think you are.

I hope you are reassured by all these lovely ladies who have shared their own experiences.

You are not alone , it’s normal ( although horrible ) to feel like this.

Please phone your GP tomorrow and make an urgent appointment. Explain to her that you suspect you may have post adoption depression, that you are crying all the time and have to force yourself to care for the baby. You may need meds to help.

You are right that having family history of PND makes you vulnerable to PAD. It’s not your fault you feel like this, it’s bloody hormones. Not being pregnant doesn't make us immune to them .

Another issue might be that having a child placed for adoption can trigger a terrible grief and sense of loss for the child we didn’t give birth to. It’s almost like the end of hope that we will ever get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed our own biological child.

And of course this isn’t your baby yet. It’s just some random screaming newborn that you are supposed to feel something for and care for selflessly 24/7. You are supposed to feel happy but you feel sad and lost and guilty .

That’s a terrible burden - to have your feelings so out of step with how you are supposed to feel. But remember your feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just ARE. You are not a bad person to feel the way you do.

And you can’t make one attachment while you are grieving another loss. No one can. It’s not your fault you can’t bond with this child right now.

Grief can make you feel numb and sick and a bit detached - like you are watching this all happen to some one else. And you can end up resenting this baby for being here when the one you want wanted to give birth to isn’t. That you never got to hold them or feed them. It’s not fair.

She can feel like “ the wrong baby “ and a mistake because in a biological sense she IS wrong, she’s not yours and she’s not programmed to your voice and sounds and smells . You haven’t had that 9 months to grow together.

Part of you will be screaming “ this is all wrong , I’ve made an awful mistake “.

These are all normal thoughts when you are grieving. And of course you are scared to get attached to this baby in case you lose her as well.

You will need some time for you and baby to get used to each other and for your body to grow. Even with bio children it isn’t instant for many mothers. And you have both been through so much loss, it may take you more time.

Does that make sense to you ? If not please feel free to ignore , it’s just the sense I got from your posts and I might well be totally wrong.

It’s good that you can separate out your thoughts and your feelings . I agree with PP that you should continue to care for this baby for the next few weeks . Remember that she doesn’t know how you feel , as long as you care for her and do the right things she will be fine. Smile at her and talk to her - Fake it ‘til you make it . Sing your favourite songs to her.

I’m glad that your mum is coming to help you. If you possibly face it, it would be good if you could do the hands on caring for the baby and let your mum do other things . So you do feeds, nappy changes and baths. Let your mum do laundry and cook meals.

Go out for walks together if the weather is tolerable, fresh air and exercise really helps.

I know it’s tempting to let mum do babycare but it will help you more if you can do it this way round. Baby needs to bond with you first and then your husband and other family members. That’s how she is programmed .

Do you feel able to wear her in a sling ? Having as much physical contact as you can bear will help your body make the hormones that you need .

Just do what you can, I know this might be a big ask when you are feeling so sad. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t manage it.

I agree with the others that you should give yourself a few weeks and reevaluate it . If you are prescribed meds then then they will take some time to work - remember to ask your doctor about this.

Please let us know how you are getting on, if you feel up to it. There’s lots of non judgemental support here for you.

Brilliant post Kr1stina.

yes, agree "Brilliant post" Kr1stina.

Just piling in to agree with everything the others have said. They speak great sense. Be kind to yourself too. I wish you the very best.

Both me and my husband are currently taking it in turns to feel sorry for ourselves (have heavy colds, aches etc.) We had planned a lovely family day out yesterday, but I really didn't feel up to it, husband said to me to stay home and get some rest. I felt enormous guilt, they have only been home a couple of months, I thought I should be with them, bonding, having fun, 'making memories', I felt pretty useless as well as ill.

Anyway, when they got home I was asleep in the sofa, eldest climbed up, laid on top of me and watched tv. It was lovely, I felt really close to him and we had a lovely cuddle. He was then so relaxed and calm for the rest of the day. I think my point is that sometimes they just need you to be close and what you do to bond doesn't have to be the 'ideal' vision of parenting you have in your head. Take care of yourself and do ask for help, I hope this week feels better for you.

This may or may not be relevant, but sometimes after a long period of difficulty and at the point at the end when you finally get what you had worked hard for, or wished for, there is a release which means your old emotions may rise to the surface and overwhelm you, knock you off balance. Because you have what you wanted, and you feel you should be happy, these old emotions can sometimes a surprise. Most of us will have felt it to a greater or lesser degree, I think. Sometimes with kids you are doing something you thought they would like and they start shouting and screaming about something and you realise that it is their emotions about something not so good from weeks earlier, and the same thing is happening.

I would go to the GP asap as you have a baby to look after, but please don't worry that any of this is a bad sign .