One week after placement,can’t cope please help

[Joy121]

Hi,
Please don’t judge me for this, I just don’t know what to do. My husband and I brought a 3 day old girl home last week as a foster to adopt placement. We’ve waited years for this after 8 years of failed fertility treatments. I thought I’d be so happy but I just feel terrible. I feel anxious and sick and can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t want to hold her or feed her. What’s wrong with me? I’m scared if I tell my social worker she’ll say I’m not cut out to adopt. Maybe I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Please help me.

That's so lovely to hear Joy, I often wonder
how you are doing and am so happy to hear things are improving. Take care and we're here if you need to vent at all

Fabulous news. I've been thinking about you often - I think I may have name changed since I posted. I agree about training including PAD. I never thought I could voice my feelings because I was so frightened people wouldn't understand after all the hoops we had gone through to have a child. We are all here to support you.

@jellycats

Very much agree with you. We are 5 months in and we are saying the same - that no matter now much you want to be a paren lt nothing can prepare you for actual parenting. We totally agree with you and @alwaysdressed that more people need to talk about how difficult post intros are, you feel like after so many years of wanting a family every day should be sunshine and roses and it isn’t always like that. We too have struggled to feel good enough to parent and overwhelmed with complex emotions/needs but 5 months in we are feeling more able to breathe and confident in our abilities as parents.

@joy - well done you for keeping on going. We are all with you.

Yay!

It's still likely to be a bumpy road but one of the things I can absolutely say hand on heart is that my love for DS is sooooo much better becasue I had to work much harder at it to start with. I earned the bond we have and I'm proud of that.

And I don't care that people who bonded easily would dispute that - it's my story and I'm sticking to it!

You poor thing. Having a new baby is such a shock to the system. What you are feeling is normal.

I remember looking at my (biological) daughter when she was under a week old and thinking she was evil. She's 10 now and definitely not evil!! Give yourself some time, you will be sleep deprived, super anxious and all those things. It will get better.

Does she have any difficulties? Take all the help you can get and congratulations on your baby.

Oh god I didn't read the whole thread. Lovely update op.

So glad to hear things are getting better for you. That's lovely news xx

Another vote for being totally normal. I didn't like my birth dd for a long time. I'm so glad things are getting better. My dd is 22 now and I still remember those awful few months. I never had another baby, but dd is my best friend and has been for years.

Good luck for the future.

I just asked my friend who adopted a newborn about her feelings after I read this thread. She said that it is a very unnatural feeling to be given another woman’s newborn and told to care for it.

She said insinctively you feel a newborn baby should be with its Mother, but you’ve ‘taken’ it. She said it took her a long time to get over that feeling of guilt, that somehow she was responsible for taking that incredibibly precious time from another woman. Logically she said she knew it wasn’t her ‘fault’ but that didn’t stop the guilt at the time and she found it hard to bond.

She said with her first child, the child was 2 at placement and she didn’t have any of those feelings of guilt. So she thinks it is more about the newborn state and the giving birth/vulnerability element that was the issue for her.

So you are definetly not alone!

How are you @Joy121 ?

I am brutally honest when I say that at first I hated being a mum. We fostered it little boy from three months. He was angry all the time woke throughout the night as babies do. The difficulty is I think that you expect it to be amazing you dont have that carrying and growing a baby binding time like birth an no hormonal "rush" that you need to love them unconditionally. It was shit at first and I kept my mouth firmly shut in the fear that they would take him away. I went through all the necessary actions of caring for him but the first few weeks were hell. You should seek help I learned that whatever you are feeling is not specific to adoptive parents it happens universally. Set yourself one target each day like to go to Asia Start centre or for walk. Dont beat yourself up for hating this bit OP we are not a minority. You can get through this and the love grows. Although it seems like months away when you get that first hint of a smile or they recognise you as part of their family it does come. I cam safely say I love my son's more than anyone else in my life he is number one ' two and three. If I had nothing else all I need is him. You can do this OP just be kind to yourself and get through the fog. We have all trodden in your shoes and will walk with you xx

Total cross post my apologies but sentiment sti the same .

@Joy121 how is it going now? Thinking of you. Xxx