Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

Hey Buffalo.
Yes all settled down. Two weeks to go and many social services meetings plus hospital appointments. It's my last week at work. Tuesday I have been booked in for a sweep so baby might come one week early.
I'm doing ok, I am really happy with the social worker we have been allocated, she's questioned things, has been helping with the practical answers and in general makes me feel quite supported.
They have now identified two potential adoptive parents but not approached them yet.

I am missing the boys but have also been kept busy with all the last minute preparations for the birth.

Emotionally I am also ok, I don't know if I have just switched off and gone into practical mode.

That's all good news. I'm glad you are keeping well and that you have a supportive SW.

Do you have a birth partner ?

You say you are missing your sons - are they away on holiday with their father ?

You know don't you that you can ask for information about the prospective adopters and express a view about who you woudl prefer? You can also ask to meet them .

There should be no problem with any of this - you are not a security risk to anyone. I know many adopters who have met birth parents and they all find it very helpful , although very emotional .

And I think many birth mums prefer to actually meet the people who will be parenting their child . It's hard to tell things from a piece of paper.

Everyone finds that the other party is much nicer and more ordinary ( in a good way ) and less scary than they had imagined .

Definitely good to meet them. Will you request letter box contact?

Thinking of you.

It's good to hear you sounding more at peace with yourself MN. Have you managed to put together a letter for the baby yet?

NM I've just read this thread and wanted to wish you, your partner and your DC well.

My dad got my mum pregnant at university over 40 years ago - they were living together, but still students and in no position to care for a baby. My mum bravely declined an abortion, carried and gave birth to the baby, and gave her up for adoption with my dad's support.

My parents went on to get married, and had 3 more children 10 years later.

I didn't know about my 'extra' sister until 5 years ago, but she has had (and is still having) a wonderful life with her adoptive parents, who are truly lovely. When I found out I was in awe of my mum's bravery. My sister is thankful that my parents gave her up so she could have a better life than they could ever have given her at the time she was born.

My sister and I have since become incredibly close, and I love her and my DNs with all my heart. My mum and dad said it was really painful giving her up, but they remained (and are still) convinced that they did the right thing, which my sister 100% agrees with.

I just wanted to reassure you that these things can and do work out, and that you need to do whatever you think is best for you and your baby.

NM hi, how is it going?

I have been thinking about you and wondered, if you definitely decide to relinquish your son for adoption (if YOU decide it is right), could you go for an open adoption where you could see little one or at the very least get regular updates/photos?

I know you may worry this could affect him bonding/attaching (I think you said that before) but I think he would know his parents as the ones who cared for him/met his needs. So it would not adversely affect him.

The vital things if it were more open (IMHO) would be:
He would know who you are and that you cared for him
You would know he was alive and well
There would be a connection between you, which may help both of you in the future

NM I am aware you put everyone else first (which you do not need to do) and in some way I think a more open arrangement may help the wider circle 'effected' by this, Eg your kids and your partners kids. They may benefit from knowing he is safe and well. I can't answer for your partner as I just don't know how he feels but the kids might have questions...

Where is he? Is he well? Etc. If the adoption is very closed you may not be able to answer this.

I posted this hear rather than personal message because some here may have experience of this and could provide helpful comments on the reality of this.

We have letter box but birth parents have stopped replying. We are happy to provide photos etc but do not know that they are being viewed. I think it works both ways. we would like to know how our child's bps are because one day our son may ask us more about them.

Just thoughts.

Bless you.

Hi
Sorry been absent a bit but there is very little to update still at this stage.
Social services are moving forward with things, I have one great social worker who deals with Birth parents who has been good, met with us, asked the tough questions and discussed options like letter box contact, meeting the potential adoptive parents etc....

She has made a valid point that the adoptive parents get full training in aspects of contact and therefore it may be beneficial to have letterbox contact with them especially with regards to discussing baby's siblings and passing information and updates on them.

I also asked if possible that baby is placed with adoptive parents that have adopted before or willing to adopt more kids,...I don't want baby to feel like he is missing out on siblings when he has some already.

My last day at work was Friday, I'm now due in 10 days but having a sweep in the hope to speed things up on Tuesday so I don't know if that will start labour off or not...

The kids come back from their holiday on Wednesday so I am taking advantage of the next few days to rest and prepare for things.

I feel ok but can't quite face writing the letter to go with baby yet, I think I rather do it when he is here rather than do it now... I need some emotional recharging time before it all kicks off. I feel that I am in a little place of calm before the hard stretch starts and I'm just preserving some energy in order to face the next bit.

I'm still going to therapy and doing my best to communicate about things but have somewhat closed off emotionally at the same time in a kind of self preservation way.

I am scared of the future but have done my best to prepare for it, for me and baby. That's all I can do at this stage...

You sound at peace and well supported right now NM, I'm glad you've got some time to reflect by yourself whilst your boys are on holiday - sometimes the day to day chaos of family life does a great job of busying the mind and allowing you to gloss over any other worries that you may have, but it sounds like you're in a good place.

Did your social worker tell you anything about the 2 adoptive families that have been found so far? At what point would they be informed that they may have a baby coming to them very soon?

I think waiting to write the letter until baby is born is a good idea, the right words will come, there's no need to force them out before you're ready.

Good luck with the sweep on Tuesday, were your other boys born before or after their due dates?

Thinking of you a lot.

I literally just woke up with a massive anxiety attack...

Every time I think I have reached an ok place, there is a comeback that just drags me down again..

The SW team had a meeting on Tuesday because while our adoption SW has been great and has an actual clue, the child in need one really is difficult to deal with, she's new, inexperienced and making life much more difficult because she is clueless as to the procedures and keeps messing things up. So they all met on Tuesday to get on the same page... For example the adoption SW advocates and supports meeting the parents while the other SW said its not possible and it's not ever done!
lucky we got them both in the same room on Monday and they hashed out their contradicting views and it turns out the adoption social worker is right but the other SW is the one who has identified the two potential adoptive families... So at this stage I am a bit lost as to what's next... Been told to call the adoption SW when baby is born... And I will be passed to a different team than the child in need one at that stage so the less clued up social worker will be out the picture as we would be fully passed to the adoption team afte that and she will no longer have a need to hold our case.

Sweep wise I'm not that hopeful..but I know they don't want me to go over the due date this time so hoping they will put an action plan in place if it does not work.

Last two babies were 2 weeks late..and that led to complications.

NM thinking of you.

Thinking of you too NM, did you manage to get some sleep? Anxiety is normal at this stage I'm sure, with less than 10 days to go any woman about to give birth feels some anxiety about what is to come, and you have so much more to come than most.

Take it easy today, lots of rest, plenty to eat and drink, do you practice hypnobirthing or anything like that? The headspace app is good for short mindfulness sessions that might help you to relax just a little.

The SW situation sounds a bit of a nightmare, I hope it all gets sorted out properly tomorrow so you haven't got that hanging over your head too.

Just read this thread, thinking of you today NM, what a wonderful person you are. Hope everything goes well for you and you feel at peace with your decision.

Buffalo

The anxiety was about my kids being away not the birth, they come back tomorrow but some stuff happened while they were on holiday with their father that was quite upsetting... He basically found a lady while there to act as mum for them while on holiday... She cooked them dinner and went with them to many activities that I should have been at... It broke my heart as I'm their mum and I should have been worn them not this random stranger... It felt like yet another passive aggressive way to punish me for being pregnant and unable to go with them. Then my own mum who flew out for the second part of their holiday was actively encouraging my ex to hang out more with this lady with the kids... She hates me so much for my decision not to abort this baby that she stated clearly to me that she's now actively searching for a better mum for my kids via my husband because I don't deserve to be their mum as a result of my u pleasant decisions... I asked when will she stop punishing me for that... Her reply was "when you finally f.... Die".

This is my family, this is what I get from them support wise... Saw the couselling lady that afternoon and spoke about it.. Then had the sleepless night with repeated dreams and anxiety attack about watching my kids being raised by another woman from a distance and feeling helpless over and over again..

I can't wait to get baby away from my mum and her toxic presence..

When you all ask why do I always put others first... Well because she never bothered to help me gain or maintain any self worth.

Sorry about the rant... Just really sad and frustrated by the situation.

Oh NM, your mum's behaviour sounds absolutely unforgivable and shocking . I hope you know that you deserve only love and support. Not that. You know she wont be able to separate you from your dcs in any way, don't you?

Was your sweep today? Good luck with that.

NM I'm so sorry that's been going on, your mothers behaviour is absolutely atrocious! I hope the counsellor reiterated to you that the things she said do not reflect your mothering at all but rather show her to be a toxic, thoroughly negative presence in the life of you and your children. It's not long now until they're home with you and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

I'll be thinking of you today while you have the SW appointment and your sweep.

Take care NM.

NM when things settle a bit I'd go no contact with your mum. she doesn't deserve you.

OP. Your mum sounds horrendous

Your partner is not supportive.

If YOU want to keep baby then please please do so.

I'm an adoptive mum. I've 'benefited' from a LO being taken from mum and the from dad...

I can't have children and would be childless had a particular set of events not happened.

However, after following your thread for weeks... If you have any doubt whatsoever or any inkling that you could afford this baby emotionally and financially; then please keep him/her.

I believe you and baby will benefit from this for the whole of your lives. Only my opinion. I may well be wrong. Do what's right for the both of you - please forget EVERYBODY else X

How are you today NM

Latest update...

Had sweep yesterday... All it did was make me sore so far... I am booked for another one Friday and a full on induction on the 30th if nothing else works.

Felt a sudden rush of sadness when I got baby's actual birthdate... Realise that dare will always mean something to me and be quite a vital part of my life.

SS got in contact with an update about the meeting they had and once again adoption social worker great! Other one causing issues and delays... She's determined that baby needs to go to Forster care first... I won't let that happen! I don't want baby in Forster care where he may be forgotten about for months!!

She's making me really angry... The adoption social worker is on our side... Says it should be ok for him to go to foster to adopt agreement so I don't know why this other social worker form a completely irrelevant and inexperienced department is making these decisions..
She keeps contradicting everything the adoption social worker says and is almost being awkward to FORCE me to keep baby.

Hi NM how is it going? Sorry to be out of touch, am working awat from home with no easy internet).

Just be aware I was induced on the 23 (my actual due date) and gave birth on the 25.

If it does take 2 days he will be a different school year!

Good luck for tomorrow..

Hey Italian,

I'm ok, super nervous about tomorrow. Hoping when I ring them in the morning I won't get told they don't have any beds and prostpone things, the sweep itself sent me into two days of contractions that although were regular they just weren't strong enough.

I'm hoping as its my 5th baby I will respond well to the induction but it's also been 8 year and not sure my body is being very cooperative.

Emotionally all my anxiety is aimed toward the birth right now like any regular mum... I'm on edge with anticipation of the pain.. The other stuff is firmly pushed to the back of my mind.

I will let you know all how it goes and this will probably be the most intense time where I'm going to need the most practical adoption advice.

Hello NM, I have recently come over to the adoption thread and read your story over the weekend. I was very sad to read what you've been through and how you've been treated. I hope that things go as well as they can and that you have lots of support around you. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks flower...
I am ok, it's is a sad situation but I'm really hoping and praying for a good outcome for baby if nothing else..

I have worked really hard to come to terms with things and do the best I can to make the decisions I made.

This forum has been a great source of information and support and has been a really good place to let things out with all the ups and downs that have happened.

I want to really thank everyone for their contribution... And just want to make sure you are also all ok... I don't want anyone to be upset by any of this..
Despite everything I do have support and care around me and I am ok and will be ok.

NM I've been thinking about you.

Now please stop worrying about other people (including readers here) and for the next stage, as you face giving birth, please focus entirely on yourself, what you want, what you feel would help you to go through this process. If it helps you to post updates, get your thoughts in order or rail against the world on MN, then do, but if you would prefer to wrap yourself in a duvet and shut out everyone and everything for a while as you recover, then that's just as valid.

Be selfish for a little while. I don't think you've had much practice at that
Good luck my dear

NM you'll be on my mind constantly tomorrow, I hope the induction goes well and the SWs have got their act together to make sure no further upset is caused where it is not needed.

Will DP be present at the birth? Is everything ready for baby's 2 weeks at home with you.

Sending strength and love to you, NM.