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Adoption

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Original poster

Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

311 replies

NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 29/08/2016 21:09

NM - glad to hear that you and the baby are still well and hoping that things go smoothly tomorrow.

I'm sorry to hear that you have so little RL support and that you are still so very unhappy . Your comment up the thread really stood out for me

Then had the sleepless night with repeated dreams and anxiety attack about watching my kids being raised by another woman from a distance and feeling helpless over and over again

I know that your baby will find a loving family. But I am fearful for you and how you will live with yourself afterwards. Please don't do this unless you are 100% sure it's right for you.

Tinypaw · 30/08/2016 02:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tinypaw · 30/08/2016 02:03

As a grown up adopted child?... erm.... meant to say grown-up adoptee...

Hels20 · 30/08/2016 05:33

I have had to report your post, Tinypaws because it is absolutely wholly offensive. It has also derailed the whole thread.

I don't know what it was like to be adopted 40 years ago, though my cousin's mother lied even on her deathbed as to who my cousin's bio father was. But I don't know anyone on this board that lies to their AC about their children's background. I am always telling my child the truth - in an age appropriate way (after all, how do you gently tell your child that their birth mother put drugs/alcohol/parties/sexual gratification/sexually abusive partner/inability to keep child clean/safe/fed all ahead of their needs). The OP is one of the v few women who is choosing to relinquish her child in difficult circumstances - but that doesn't mean the AP are going to lie about the circumstances of his birth.

We don't want ownership - we want a family. No one owns any one - birth parents do not "own" their children either.

I am sorry you have so obviously suffered in your life as a result of being adopted but what you spout above is incredibly offensive and blatantly untrue in the adoption world of today.

CannotEvenDeal · 30/08/2016 05:53

I have also reported that post. I was so stunned by its content that I actually left the Comment box blank because I was so lost for words.

Thinking of you OP Flowers

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 30/08/2016 08:02

You can't argue with crazy Hels - thanks for giving it a go though :)

Original poster
NM8448 · 30/08/2016 09:54

Martina,
I'm sorry you went through all that and it's clear its effected you greatly..

The process of a adoption is very different now from what it was 40 years ago.

Hope you find some peace at some point.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 30/08/2016 10:36

NM - how are you feeling ? I thought you were going into hospital today ?

Original poster
NM8448 · 30/08/2016 10:56

I am in hospital right now waiting for the induction to start.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 30/08/2016 11:32

Do you have a support person with you ?

Kr1stina · 30/08/2016 11:34

Remember it's fine to ask for any pain relief you want, even if you've not needed during your last labours. Every birth is different .

Praying for a safe and easy delivery for you and your son Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 30/08/2016 12:36

Praying for all to be well.

Italiangreyhound · 30/08/2016 12:39

Echoing Kristina if it doesn't feel right on the end to go through with adoption, listen to your heart. also echoing others BE NICE to YOU and put YOU first (for once). Xxx Grin

Kr1stina · 31/08/2016 10:29

How are things NM?

BuffaloCustardbath · 31/08/2016 11:41

I hope it's all going well NM, thinking of you.

queenc81 · 31/08/2016 12:06

Thinking of you X

Italiangreyhound · 31/08/2016 14:12

Hope all going well.

CadburyChocolateCrunchie · 31/08/2016 14:32

Think of you. I gave up my daughter in similar circumstances to yourself, 5 years ago. I 100% know I did the right thing. I was single and struggling to bring up my two boys on my own.

anxious123 · 31/08/2016 16:21

Im a birth mum and my circumstances different to yours but if this is what your little one needs and is right for you then its your decision... even after birth you have 6 weeks to change your mind. I havent unfortunatelt read the whole thread but if you do go with adoption consider having letterbox in place, 2 letters on its so very hard but so worth it for me and my birth son. I hope youve got some support in place right now - i had a planned section that came earlier than planned and had very very little support - my birth son was relinquished and you can search my previous posts, if theres anything I can do in the coming weeks/months etc please shout.

confusionoftheillusion · 02/09/2016 19:36

I was just thinking about you NM. I've been away for a while but been thinking of you loads.

FlowersChocolate

Original poster
NM8448 · 03/09/2016 14:29

Hey

He's here, delivery went well, I forgot how helpful gas and air can be!

He's great and beautiful and absolutely lovely in every way.

Had some blues last couple of days but working through them.

Staying with my partner while we have him for this little period of time. He has been really helpful, practical and listening to my ups and downs as well as getting some father/son time with baby too.

I internally freak out everytime I think about the handover but still trying to keep some sort of logical head on.. Nothing in the situation has changed.

Had meeting with social workers yesterday.. They are happy with how he is and they are pushing forward with the plan however at a bit of a slower pace and I'm ok with that at the moment.

I just want to take each day as it comes and hope that I will be more emotionally stable by the time he needs to go to his new parents.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 03/09/2016 16:04

Oh my dear, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy. Flowers

I hope you are being allowed the space with your son to make your own decision in your own time.

Kr1stina · 03/09/2016 16:42

What haffdonga said

Glad you are both well

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2016 20:25

Glad all well, NM; how is your partner handling all this?

Are you ok? Bless you.

BuffaloCustardbath · 04/09/2016 22:55

Glad delivery went well NM and you're coping well with the blues. Congratulations on the arrival of your lovely baby.
Does the fact that SS are moving at a slower pace mean that you will have him for longer than 2 weeks? Have his parents been chosen now?
Always here if you need an ear, take good care of yourself and OH.

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