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Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 22:00

My heart really goes out to you. You're being put in a very tricky position. Your family sound spiteful and mean, I can't believe anyone would speak of an unborn baby like that, least of all its family.
If you are set on adoption then you will at least know the baby is going to a family who desperately want one. you sound like you have really thought this through. As others have said the adoption team will probably be much more visible as the birth draws nearer. I really don't know much practically about the actual adoption but the only relinquished babies I know of the social workers worked their darnedest to convince the birth mum to keep the baby.

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 22:26

That's actually quite true, the first Social worker did just that and she met with me and baby's dad as well as then had a follow up meeting with my kids and ex husband and bless her she really tried to get me to change my mind but accepted in the end it just wasn't viable for me...


To many it just doesn't make sense on paper, two stable loving parents in a loving supportive relationship, both professionals and of a mature age range making such a decision which is why I'm beginning to see why it would make future adoptive parents and SS nervous about things..

It's a shame but I get it.. I get why we would be seen as high risk of changing our minds, all I can say is that I couldn't do that to a family.. Give them hope then change my mind and I'm doing my absolute best to make sure that does not happen.

Thanks again for all your support and care, I will keep posting as questions come up regarding the process if that's ok.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 22:46

If the time comes and you did for whatever think about changing your mind then don't even consider the feelings of the adoptive parents. You have to do what is right for you and yours, and don't let anyone else's emotions overshadow that.

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ClassicCoast · 22/05/2016 23:48

Ok so I am a birth parent who relinquished. From my perspective now I made a choice that gave a priority to the feelings of everyone but me. I chose to believe I was gifting the child a more charmed, more nourishing life but in reality plenty of adoptees think their adoption has been difficult for them even when it goes well. Then there is the scenario where it doesn't go well.

You are being bullied by your parents and ex, you are making decisions that make their responses easier. I wonder at your esteem when you say your relationship with your ex is amicable. It isn't. No one you have an amicable relationship with talks to you like that. Your decision must be a good one for you, your kids will come round either way but your wider family don't get to make this decision by blackmail.

Your comparisons with what your children had/have and what this baby would have with you are meaningless. Your baby has four siblings, that's a rich inheritance and families have endlessly changing circumstances as people move, die, get ill, get poor - children live brightly in the moment, they care most of all about the most immediate family.

Your current children will have a right to contact SS to make a representation to the adopted child when they/the 'baby' is 18 as do you. You have no control over whether The adoptee makes contact...this can fuck with your mind but also with your kids. Mine are younger than their sibling and it fucks with them. Yours will also catch a load of crap off their peers as this is unusual and will be gossiped about for ever.

So I sound negative and judgemental, I really really don't mean to but you sound swamped out by all these thoughts of others. I am sorry your circumstances make this tough that your closest family are being emotionally abusive and that the control and certainty you want us to tell you about can't be guaranteed. There is nothing you do that makes you less in control. For ever. You give up a baby in year one,a one year old in year two, a toddler in year three. And so on. You live with this for longer than anyone.

I don't mean don't do it but do be careful. Research shows it is much worse for our mental health than abortion. There is a reason (welfare) why it's no longer a longer an option in the UK.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

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Cleo1303 · 23/05/2016 00:25

NM, Your relationship with your husband is only amicable if he is controlling you.

Both exes sound vile and you are being bullied into giving up your baby, and you are worried about your financial situation.

Can I ask you a question: If you won or inherited £500,000 or even £100,000 tomorrow, would you keep your baby?

I'm not being critical of you I promise.

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Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 02:11

NM8448 I think you are going through an amazingly tough time and I am so sorry for you.
I normally say just do what is right and blah blah blah….
But there are so many things in this thread that make me think you are making this decision under duress!
EG
"Things are amicable with my soon to be ex husband but he has made definite threats of that changing if I keep this baby.. He thinks I would ruin our children's lives if I didn't go through with this adoption. I don't want any of my children (baby included) to be raised in a war zone. My eldest regularly expresses his dad's views of wanting nothing to do with baby while the youngest two are always curious and inquisitive about the baby."

I read this and wanted to shout WTF!....

Please get these manipulative threats on record. IF you choose to change your mind you do not need your children to suffer because of this. Your ex is making unrealistic demands. Your children will not suffer if you have another baby, not in the long term, they may need to share you, they may need to pitch in and help more, but they won't suffer long term. They are far more likely to suffer from having an arse hole of a father who would 'guilt' their mother into giving up a baby. And may one day feel very bad if they realise you gave away their little brother because you thought it would be better for them!

Don’t get me wrong, in some families where finances are so tight one more mouth to feed would destroy a family, and I am thinking not UK here, there may be families where children leave but that is not the case with you.

Please reassess if you are really doing this for the right reasons or if your evil ex has persuaded you this is best because it suits his own plans on you and your children's lives (all your children lives!)

Re "Family wise they are all fuming with me for not having an abortion (a personal choice that I would never judge others for doing but it just wasn't an option emotionally for me), they again drummed into me how selfish I would be if I forced this baby on them... My own mothers words are "I can't talk to you while you have that thing growing in your belly", it's absolutely distressing the thought of the animosity that already exists towards this innocent baby and I can't help but want to get him away from all this tension and grief."

PLEASE please do not allow your own mother (the person in all the world, along with your father, who should have your best interests at heart) to push you into a decision you may not want to take.

I am afraid in your shoes I would take all steps to ensure my ex did not in any way threaten me or my children's stability, financial otherwise etc, and I would need to cut contact with my mother until such time as she reconsidered her position. It sounds like far too many people have been pushing you around. Which is utter shit.

Are you worried your eldest son may turn against you? You know he might, for a time, but you may give away your baby and your teenage son may still turn against you for a time. His dad sounds like a very appalling influence in his life. But with time he may come around to respect your decision if you decide to keep baby. Do not allow your ex, your mum or your eldest son to make this decision for you.

Again "The dad is in a similar position.. . His soon to be ex wife is absolutely hateful towards this baby and has made many threads to cut off his time with his two girls if there are any baby stuff around the house and she is a self proclaimed church going Christian! He loves his girls more than anything and he is a brilliant dad to them and they really need him now that they are also coping with their parents divorce. He is bonded with baby but freely admits he can't cope with us raising him.. "

This woman, who is nothing to you, has a say in whether you keep your baby, really, does she?

Please, please look into some assertiveness training to work out what you actually want to do. Again, she could stop her ex (your partner) seeing his girls, or at least try to. But she could do that even if you give up your baby. Again, get her threats in writing, save texts or emails or whatever, just in case.

And send her notes full of Bible verses about love and peace.
EG
Proverbs 17:1 The Message version
" A meal of bread and water in contented peace
is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels."

Well maybe not, but she sounds awful!

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Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 03:04

When I say But with time he may come around to respect your decision if you decide to keep baby. I meant your eldest son.

You said "When it comes down to it we could make finances, schedules, childcare etc all work but we simply can't cope with it all with our family circumstances and existing children's needs as well."

If that is really the case so be it, but are you sure others have not made the decision for you?

Do you know what I wonder, I wonder if you feel guilty and giving up your baby is your way out of guilt? You mention 'mess' a couple of times, you say "We inadvertently made a huge mess and I can't see why or how I should bring a baby up into this.. I feel he would be better off in a more stable environment..."

Please only do this if this is really right for you and baby.

It sounds like you are being bullied and pushed around, this is the old 'give me your dinner money' or I will beat you up. the family wanted you to abort the baby, now they want you to give him up!

Take your ex partner and even your new partner, and his ex wife, and your mum and the prospective adoptive parents and the social workers out of the equation.

Just focus on you and your new baby and your existing kids. Could this work?

Re "I regularly walk myself mentally through what the handover of baby is going to be like and try my best to let myself cry when I need to and be practical when I need to in order to be as prepared as possible to go through this."

Why not mentally walk yourself through keeping this baby. See how you feel thinking you could do this, with your partner's support, or maybe even without. If it would kill you or send you over the edge of course do not do it. But would it really? Or are you just too scared of all these other people who are making demands on you. How can you allow these others to guilt you into doing something you do not want to do?

Counselling with an abusive ex (and your ex sounds awful, not amicable, sorry) may not be giving you the best advice for you. Please find someone to talk to who can advise what is best just for you.I think you are so fixed on not changing your mind for the sake of some prospective adopter you may not be willing to even explore it. Please do explore it, even if you still decide this is the right thing for you.

It's easy to think someone else could do a better job, but if you want the job of raising your new son, with or without your partner, it's your call.You do not owe it to your ex or your partner or his ex, or your mum, your social worker, any prospective adopters or even your own kids not to have another child. So make the decision for you.

And whatever you do, big, hug, hugs because this is a very hard road. Thanks

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Canyouforgiveher · 23/05/2016 03:27

OP, you have my sympathies - what you are going through is very hard.

I am an adopted adult. I am now in contact with my birth mother. She was 16 when she gave birth to me many many years ago.

Someone up thread said "parenting an adopted child is hard". I disagree with this completely. Parenting me and my sister was the biggest joy of my parents' life. We were wonderful children to them and had a wonderful childhood and family life. Parenting an adopted child who has been abused may be hard (or not) but parenting an adopted child is no harder or easier than parenting your own child (my sis and I often say our parents had it a lot easier than we do rearing children - they were lucky)

I worry that you are making this decision to please other people - your ex, your ds1, your mother. They really have no say in this. In 10 years time your 15 year old will be grown and gone. He will be going on with his life and you may be still grieving the decision you made and he wont even think about it. If he had a 10 year old half brother at home he wouldn't think about it either. Ditto your ex. He is your ex. Either you are fit to rear your children or not. A baby can't possibly ruin anyone's life if people behave properly.

I think you got pregnant accidentally. most of us would have aborted but your couldn't -fair enough. What you are now trying to do is give birth to the baby but have the consequences of an abortion - no baby. it really doesn't work like that. there will be a baby and it will be your baby and even if you give it to someone else to rear, you will still feel connected/emotional/guilty etc.

if you are going ahead with having this baby, you cannot make all of this go away and I think you are in danger of really resenting your ex, your ds1 and your mother for their roles in pushing you into this decision.

my birth mother has never fully forgiven herself for giving me up even though there was literally no other option at the time. I knew she had no other choice but I also found it hard to process that she did actually give me away.

I do think your baby will be happy and well and maybe even better off with a lovely adoptive family. But I don't think it will be as easy for you afterwards.

And finally I actually cannot process what it would be like as an 8 year old to know that your mother can have a child and give it away. you should definitely have some supports in place for your children when this happens because even those children who would rather you were not pregnant will be affected by their brother being adopted. Frankly, I think they will never completely trust you again.

My biggest concern in this is not your unborn child-he will probably be fine and have a great life, but I do think this decision is going to have huge repercussions on you and especially your children.

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NM8448 · 23/05/2016 08:40

Thanks again for all your input and it certainly opens my eyes to things I thought were going to work out like the feelings of our exsisting children and that really hits a massive concern because this isn't about me it's ultimately about ensure all the children we have are ok one way or the other..they are the true innocent parties here and should never suffer as a result of decisions we make.

What's ultimately best for all of them? Baby and his 6 siblings?

I can deal with my feelings and cope as best I can but if this is going to harm any of them then I just wouldn't be able to live with that.

My ex is only looking out for his feelings and that of his children
My partners ex is doing the same although in a less friendly manner

My partner has just been absolutely honest and said he simply can't cope with helping me raise baby, I rather he did that than just lie and make promises he can't keep.. He comes with me to every scan and appointment, he is interacting with baby and really looks after me emotionally and practically so he's not a bad person at all he's just as overwhelmed as I am.

So the question still stands what's best for the kids here? Not the adults but just the kids.

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ClassicCoast · 23/05/2016 09:47

No one can answer that. I am adopted as well as being a birth parent - my adoption was happy but there are plenty of adoptees who have life long issues- see the thread on relationships. No one experience gives you any guarantees.
Similarly there is almost certainly a real lack of research on the impact on other birth children who see their sibling adopted. Calling PAC - have a Google, might help you find out more on this but children love security and I can see this pressures my children who didn't live through it.

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ClassicCoast · 23/05/2016 10:02

Thinking some more I just can't think of a comparison even from the states (where I originate) there are more families who do thIs there but the are poor and chaotic usually. You have so many pressures on you - I really would speak to PAC or After Adoption and see if that helps. Even your adoption sw will not necessarily know that much

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Cleo1303 · 23/05/2016 12:26

Hi NM, I truly think all the six siblings including your eldest DC would adapt and cope eventually. I don't know if your children have met DP's children yet as your relationship is so new but step families do have events/outings/family weddings where both sets will be there at the same time. The two sets of children adjust to each other in most cases and they should adjust to this baby.

There are also far more complicated families than that. A friend of my DD has one sister from her parents' marriage, but also a half-brother from her mother's first marriage, and two half-siblings from her father's subsequent marriage. Her parents' divorce was not amicable at all but the adults behave themselves as far as the children are concerned. They are all brothers and sisters.

Your partner has been honest as you say. Fact: He does not want to raise this baby. If you decide to keep the baby is he saying the relationship will be over and he won't be around? Does he think that once the baby has been given away you will be able to resume the happy days of your early courtship (sorry - old-fashioned word) and just carry on? That cannot happen. You are not going to up for much fun. You will be mourning your loss.

I'm glad you feel supported by him coming to the scans, appointments, etc., but I'm worried that if you give up the baby and are not much fun to be with he won't be around for long.

So, in answer to your question, what is better for all the kids? Ultimately I think your other children will be better off if you don't give their brother away. I think you will have a tough time financially and it will be a struggle but I'm equally sure any financial shortfall in their treats/days out will be met by their loving extended family.

You have involved your children in your pregnancy, even discussing his name. Apart from the eldest who is being tricky at the moment, they don't seem to be resentful and I don't believe they would be when he is born. I think your idea of keeping the baby with you for two weeks and letting them meet him and spend time with him and then giving him away could really distress them.

I think your baby will be better off with you even if it is tough for you because you clearly LOVE him so much. I don't think you really want to give him up. If you did you would not want that two weeks to bond with him, and that is what you would be doing.

If you do give him up it is more than likely he will be adopted by parents who really want him and will love and cherish him forever. He'll have a wonderful life and grow up feeling confident and happy. I know a number of families with adopted children and 99% of those are happy families with very much loved adopted children. But there was one adoptive mother I knew and was friends with (for a very short time)and she was such a selfish individual I wonder why she adopted in the first place. I never saw her show any warmth at all to her little girl. Wonderful lifestyle, but no warmth.

I do think it much more likely than not that your baby will be okay if he is adopted but I still think he would be better with you.

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Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 18:01

Hi again, NM8448. I was going to come and say all kinds of stuff, been thinking about you all day (not in a creepy way!) but Cleo1303 has said all the things I wanted to say! Brilliant post.

Can I also add... I really think you need to decide this one without your partner. Your relationship is new, it may or may not work out. Your partner clearly feels (at the moment) he can't cope with raising a third child, but he may well not be around in the future.

He may decide he doesn't want to stay with you, you may decide you don't want to stay with him or you may both decide this, (or you may stay together), but if you go your separate ways you may find it very hard to know you gave up your baby party because of of his views.

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Cleo1303 · 23/05/2016 18:38

Italiangreyhound Thank you. I thought your middle-of-the-night posts were pretty amazing too.

I don't want to overload you MN8448 but like Italiangreyhound I've been thinking about this all day and another thought occurred to me:

If this little boy is adopted and then you and your partner stay together and decide to have a baby together in two or three years' time I just don't know how you would explain it if your adopted child contacts you in 18 years' time. How could you tell him he was the only one of eight siblings/half siblings who was given up? I don't think, "the timing wasn't right" would be okay somehow.

You must make the decision on what is best for you and your baby and what you really want, not be pushed into giving him up because it's more convenient for everyone else. I'm really beginning to think that most of the people around you are expecting that once your little boy has been adopted it will be "out of sight, out of mind" and it probably will be like that for most of them, but it won't be for you. Hugs.

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JustHappy3 · 24/05/2016 19:59

Just to say i keep thinking about you too. Flowers i think it's very telling that all of us who have adopted feel so very strongly about this.

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Humsta · 24/05/2016 21:45

I echo all the fantastic comments here, particularly the one about wanting the results of an abortion but with an adoption.

It must be so emotionally exhausting for you but I really believe you could make it work with your baby and your existing family - even if the dad doesn't stick around.

You've got to do what you believe in your heart is right but the consequences would be life long for you and your baby. There are fab adopters out there but I feel that if you had more support you wouldn't be making this decision - I'm an adoptee though so am probably biased.

I wish you all the best.

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NM8448 · 24/05/2016 21:59

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.. I am processing it all
But I do want to also clarify a few things in the mean time

My partner is not coercing me or pressuring me into this at all, he is caring and supportive. He wants to be together no matter what, it's never been a question of giving baby up so we can be together and I wouldn't make such a decision based on a threat like that, if he had ever mentioned getting baby adopted or we would separate I guarantee you right now I would have had nothing to do with him, I just got out of a 15 year marriage to a man that had 10 affairs in the last 8 years and made me feel like complete rubbish so I am not going to put up with another man treating me badly or making me do anything I don't want to do... I won't be in a relationship where I am lied to, humiliated and genrally treated like a disposible nothing ever again.....

What I do feel is total respect for my partner for his honesty about what he can and can't cope with.. I can't even begin describing how upset and tearful he gets on occasions like scans and when we are alone and he's interacting with the little man and feeling kicks etc. He is going to be just as devastated as me about baby going but as he is the man in this situation for some reason everyone just focuses on my feelings while in reality he's truly suffering too. He is a very involved and wonderful father to his two girls and is the one who has done and still does most of their childcare, cooking, cleaning, school runs etc they are coping well with the divorce because he is the one being a parent right now while his ex has attempted to damaged them many times by using them to punish him for walking away from her.. She doesn't get that he left her and not them but she is deeply selfish and can only see the inconvenice to her life as opposed to their wellbeing.

Example of that, she will go out after work and drink with her friends and at weekends and be ok but when she has the girls she tells them how sad she is and how she can't cope because dad has a new girlfriend and he makes her sad etc... The girls are just 8 and 11 they should not be exposed to this kind of thing... The 8 year old called her dad in floods of tears just a couple of weeks ago because she blamed herself for asking her mum why she was sad and when the mum replied... Because daddy is away with is girlfriend and doesn't care about us anymore then blocked the girls from being able to call their father for the weekend yet the next weekend he had them all weekend while she went away with friends drinking and having fun.

He's having to cope with all of that and he's just put his hands up and honestly said he doesn't think he can also cope with raising the baby... She made it clear that her girls will not be allowed anywhere near his home if the baby stays, she won't allow the girls to have anything to do with the baby and although he is a great person he is simply too overwhelmed with everything to fight her on anything to do with that, partly because I know he feels guilty over walking away from the marriage.

He has told his girls about me and the baby and the adoption and they expressed that they wanted to meet me and baby when born but I am against the idea of meeting them however happy for them to meet baby.

My reasoning is that no matter how vile their mother is being right now she is their mother still and out of respect for that fact I won't meet her children without her approval, she has a right to decide who she wants in her children's life and I will never be that disrespectful to another mum, no matter what her behaviour is like.

So that's the full picture from my partners side.. He's got major life issues going on and isn't emotionally available to help me raise his son..and has been honest about that fact.

We will be living together at his place for the two weeks that baby is with us so we can have the time and privacy to say our goodbyes to him, my children will be with their father but will visit and his children will be with their mother and baby may be taken out to them so they can meet him without the need to meet me for reasons stated above.

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Cleo1303 · 24/05/2016 22:12

I am so sorry if I (we) have upset you by asking questions about your decision and circumstances. I know you came here simply for practical advice. We know this is probably the biggest decision you will make in your life.

You might find it difficult to believe that strangers care, but we do.

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Humsta · 24/05/2016 22:20

I get your point that he's as emotionally involved as you - it's the easy route for me to assume this isn't a big deal for him too.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision when the time comes - and it's a shame you've got such shitty times to deal with now when it could be so different.

2/5/10 years down the line when things have moved on, hopefully you'll be in the right place.

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Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2016 22:25

NM8448 my only concern is for you to do what is right for you. If this is right for you, so be it. If you decided you could cope with baby then I think that would be best for you. I am sure baby will be fine where ever he goes.

I do worry you have underestimated how difficult this will be for you

Of course dad's care and are concerned and feel deep feelings for their children. And of course a dad who cares for his child can love just as much as a mum. But when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth and the very early days I do not think it is exactly the same for dads and mums. That may be why people are worried about you, here, and not your partner. Plus of course you are the poster here, not your partner, and so people are expressing concerns for you.

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NM8448 · 24/05/2016 22:36

Right now to my side of things...

You are all absolutely right... If I had support there is no way on earth I would give this baby up for adoption, I love him as much as I love my other children, he is part of me in every way, I am truly cherishing every moment he is with me and absolutely fall to pieces every time I thing about the day I will have to say goodbye... But the fact remains the same I don't have the support I need to raise him and give him a decent life.... I have loving friends and a good network of support at work where I have been treated really well and supported throughout the pregnancy so far..but I also have life experience that shows me how hard life is going to be for baby if I keep him...

I'm a baby born as a result of an affair between my mum and dad, she was young and naive he was married with 3 girls... I ended up being abandoned by him and resented by her... Was not allowed any contact with my 3 sisters from his side and my one brother from his marriage after my mum. Was told my exsistance was painful to the girls mum so I shouldn't try and contact them so I wouldn't upset her (this all turned out to be a pack of lies as met them and their mum 2 years ago and she is a wonderful person as are my two remaining living sisters), unfortunately they live in Italy so although they are flying in to support me during the birth of this baby they can't offer much other support because of their location. They are sad and hurt over their nephew being put up for adoption but understand from my childhood why I made that choice.

My mum went on to completely loose her senses and shot my dad when I was 18 months old because she couldn't cope with loosing him, he survived the shooting but died 18 months ago from complications he developed from that incident... I was "adopted" by my grandparents when my mum was in prison and was raised to believe that they were my parents and she was my sister. I had a great early childhood with them but when mum took me back at 8 years old so she could once again pursue my dad after finding out he had a new partner, was used as a weapon from then on, was resented by her because I didn't make dad stay with her (was told several times if I had been a boy he would have stayed) and I resented her because I missed and wanted to be back with my parents/grandparents....


The whole family was dragged through her messes and it caused so many problems, although I wasn't blamed for any of it, I was treated differently than the others because of the hassle my mum was creating...

Mum went on to eventually get married to someone else and now I have 2 twin brothers from that marriage too.. All my siblings have each other I am the only one with her and my dad in common and felt really lonely as a result.

My mum is not supportive of this pregnancy and has made that clear (but that's no surprise and I almost want to get baby as far away form her as possible anyway). My mums side of the family are scared because they think they will be reliving the same nightmare they lived with my mum with me and this baby so they cut me off as soon as they found out I was expecting this baby.. Don't blame them really but doesn't change the fact there will be no support from them...

I am totally emotionally alone and with baggage when it comes to raising this baby and won't even consider taking the risk of him growing up feeling like I did, he deserves much better than that.

Sorry about the life story.. I just want to explain where all this is coming from...and how deep it goes..

I am petrified of the idea of changing my mind that I won't even let it cross my thoughts for a second.

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Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2016 22:39

Plus i think we who are expressing concerns are picking up that others are pressuring you, and that always feel difficult.

As an adoptive mum, and as a birth mum, I am sure your baby will find a caring home. Unfortunately, having only seen it from the side of the adopter I can't advise about the side you are looking at it from.

I can address your earlier questions about ...

Re " don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?"

We sent photos and a letter to our adopted son's birth mum. We are happy to do this. The birth parents have the option to write back to us. The letters are from us to birth parents and vice versa, not to our son (the son of all of of us). You can request this but ultimately if the adoptive parents choose not to do it, for whatever reason, then they cannot be forced to. Hopefully, many adoptive parents these days are willing to do this.

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NM8448 · 24/05/2016 22:39

Cleo honestly no one has upset me at all, I'm frustrated with myself because I don't feel I'm explaining things well and although appreciate and feel totally humbled by all the care and concern people have expressed for me here. I just want you all to see the full picture..otherwise a lot of this does not make sense...

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Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2016 22:41

send present tense, not sent!

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Cleo1303 · 24/05/2016 22:43

NM, our posts crossed. Like Italiangreyhound I think you are underestimating how devastating this is going to be for you.

I do think you are more concerned about your partner than your baby.

It's your baby and your decision. I hope it works out for you both.

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