Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I'm not sure where I should write it but. Is it possible to adopt a child for a single 41 yo woman? I'm considering this option as well as ivf. Thanks.

Menchis you should start your own thread and ask your question. I am sure people will be happy to discuss this with you. This thread is about a very sensitive and personal topic and it would not be appropriate to derail it with answers to a totally different question.

There I'd a start a new thread at the bottom of the page. If you choose to do this you can report your question above so it is deleted.

We will be happy to answer you on your own thread.

Sorry there is a start a new thread BUTTON at the bottom of the page.

NM it's a new day, how are you doing?

I've just read most of this thread and I see its approaching the due date.
My observations are that NM you are in a massive mess just now and making the decision based on the circumstances around you at the moment. As you rightly say in 2-3 years all this will probably be a bad memory and you will be happily raising your 5 children.
The baby will probably be fine if he is adopted. He will have a chance to build a secure attachment to his new parents and he will probably have a nice life. But. In the absence of abuse or neglect, babies/children do better with their birth families. Growing up knowing you were given up by your birth mother is something that people don't tend to get over. (I know there are examples of people who do, I'm talking about the vast evidence relating to the vast majority)
You are really not doing the best thing for your baby by giving him up. It might be the best thing for your ex and your boyfriend, his ex, the adoptive parents, maybe even you. But for your baby the best thing is to stay with you. I'm sorry if that's a harsh thing to say but it's simply true.
Your boyfriend sounds like a waste of time tbh. He could support you to raise this baby and get court ordered contact with his other children. He's being a coward. I'm surprised you can't see that.

OP if you wanted to keep the baby you would almost certainly find inner strength once the baby is born. Although it will be a huge challenge initially, you are likely to meet new people and gain the support you need. In relation to short vs long term I agree with Haff and MephistoMarley. It is not surprising that there is the toxicity around you at the moment because people are still shocked and hurt, but it is quite possible that things will mellow with all concerned. Your 15 year old may well have change of heart as he goes into his late teens.

As an adopted person, I agree with what Kristina and Classiccoast and MephistoMarley have said about adoption.

If you decided that adoption really was the only way for you, then in fact ongoing face to face contact with you and your children is almost certainly going to be the best thing for your child, and the other children, and you, and if I were the adopter I would really be very committed to that. The reasons are explained better in the recent thread direct vs indirect contact and the links although you may be too close to your due date to be reading much at the moment, it is something you can think about later.

In relation to your partner, I am sure you are aware that the fact that he was fundamentally dishonest with his wife (ie she did not know he was sleeping with you) was not a reflection of their relationship but of his attitude towards emotional honesty. It is likely he'd be like that with you too. I am sorry if this makes everything harder - I would draw strength from the fact that you have had so much support on here.

Marley and Jellyfish excellent posts.
Op we are here for you.

Baby thought etc have been on hold for a couple of days...work and a death of a colleague has been an unfortunate distraction.

I will be answering as soon as I can get the space to think about what you all said...

But I do want to clarify a couple of things that have come up quickly....

Im in no way giving up baby because I want to hide or sweep the affair under the carpet so to speak! The affair is out and has been for some time, there is no one who does not know about it now... Baby or no baby...

Giving up baby will never erase or make the affair any better than what it was... An affair...I'm fully aware and understanding of that...

My partner has cheated and lied on and to his wife.... But I'm not innocent in this! I got with a married man!!! It's not fair that he takes all the flack for that....

Giving up baby won't make up for any of that.. His marriage is over and his ex is hurt... Baby or no baby again that will never change... People will also judge us regardless of what we do
Can you really see anyone saying "oh well you two had and affair and ruined marriages but you have given up your baby so it's all forgiven!" I really don't see that happening!

I can't really dislike or be upset with my partner for being honest and saying he can't cope with bringing up baby... How many men do you all know that make so many promises to their pregnant partners then run away and leave the kid without a father?? Atleast he's being honest from the start..

NM hope all is ok.

I don't think any of us think you are giving up baby to 'cover' affair. I think everyone else wants baby gone because of affair. No one at all (not even your partner or ex husband) seems remotely aware og or concerned about how this will affect YOU.

No one seems to have even given a tiny glimmer of interest in how this will effect YOU or BABY. At all. ONLY how it will or will not affect them!

That alone should push you to seek more wise counsel totally removed fro. your own toxic environment.

Hi NM You're in my thoughts a lot. I'm so

Oops ... I'm sorry to hear about your colleague.

I don't think anyone meant to suggest that you are trying to somehow cover up the affair by having your son adopted. Just that it's easier for them to ignore if the child isn't in front of their eyes. (My point was that if you kept him they wouldn't be around to see him anyway, so their feelings are irrelevant).

I agree it's not a bad thing that your dp is being honest that he's not going to stick around (adoption or no adoption). It helps you to make a much more realistic decision and he really doesn't sound like a keeper

It still boils down to these questions:

Would you on your own be able to love and care for this child?
Would you on your own be able to provide a secure home for this child?

And do you on your own want to parent this child ?

But I know you already know that. I wish you strength over the next few weeks.

NM - I'm sorry to hear about your difficult few days but glad to hear that you and the baby are still well ( I assume ) .

I hope you get some space to focus on what you want NOW. Half donga asks good questions .

Don't worry about any " flack " that your OM or your STBX get on here. I think I can safely say that no one he gives a stuff about either of them and neither should you. They are history.

Yes you may have made bad decisions in the past but you can't turn back the clock now . What's done is done and you need to focus on you and the baby now, and your other children .

Everyone here is concerned about YOU and your unborn baby.

They are big boys and can look after themselves and their own interests . As they have been doing all along .

On a practical note, can I ask who is your birth partner? If it's the baby's father, can I advise that you have someone else as a back up in case he lets you down .

Haffdonga has really said what was on my mind.

Kristina is so right, the men will be ok. They have done all along what has suited them.

But they have demanded of you what suits them too. And what they ask would be too hard for many to bear.

Neither of these men, who have loved you, have really considered what it will do to you to give up this baby. Again, it suits them so this is what they are both pushing for.

When you are weighing up various losses if all the people involved remember to weight fairly. You've mentioned hardships to your sons, maybe a small sacrifice here and there. To your partner maybe a small cost, to his rd and their kids really nothing to your ex and wider family, nothing. To you. Maybe the greatest sacrifice a mother ever makes. They are not playing fair with you.

Please do consider what Haffdonga asks.

I too am sorry for the loss of your colleague but please do keep your mind on this issue!

For you, really, in the long run, this current issue of your baby's future is so vital try not to allow the issues of anyone else to creep too far onto your thinking.

Many sad things happen that we cannot control or that have happened and we cannot change. Your affair fits firmly in the second camp, this collleagues death in the first camp, and now the second camp. Your baby's future is in your control and is, so far, undecided. Focus as much as possible on that.

Bless you.

Thinking about you NM

As the mum of an adopted child who's birth mother also gave him up voluntarily can I just say on behalf of his future adoptive mum, your selfless actions are commendable, thank you.

Also, My son aged 12 now knows he was relinquished as a baby and is totally accepting and cool with it all, the fact that it is the accepted thing to talk about it as as possible really helps as he has grown up with the information and it is his 'normal'

I think the problem lots of us have reading these posts is that whilst absolutely wishing the OP the very best we worry that she is not being 'selfless' and suitable for thanking but rather that she is being manipulated and isolated and more suited to worrying about.

I hope however it works out you are OK OP but I am sorry you are surrounded by useless, hostile and ineffective family. You deserve better.
Relinquishing is very rarely voluntary or something when looked at closer that it would be suitable to thank someone for.

pugugly I am very pleased things have worked out well for you and your son.

However, pugugly I wonder if you have read the whole thread or are just responding to the opening post? As ClassicCoast points out the mum in this scenario has been relentlessly hounded by evreyone in her circle to give up this baby and it is almost impossible to see this as a free will choice. If she were not able to love and care for this child it would indeed be the right thing, but she has made it clear she could consider this if she were not being relentlessly hounded by others.

One could see that in this world there may be people well able to care for our children, people with more patience, more time, more energy, more money. But we do not give our children up to these people if we can care for them. I include in this our adopted son. I expect out there there might be better adopters for him, but we were chosen and having accept the link and adopted him, I now know we are the best people to bring him up, faults and warts and all! His birth patents could not care for him.

I guess what I am laboring to say is that there may be others who can care for children better then we can but if we are parents to a child by birth we are the first in line to parent them, we have a birth dd too, I am quite sure someone somewhere could have done a better job than me! But parenting is not about doing the best possible job! It is about love and care and if a birth parent can do that, then they are the person to do it.

Being selfless is something that is constantly forced on women and it is not something that should be celebrated, IMHO, it is not genuinely 'self'less if someone else is pushing you to do it (as is the case here).

Although, I will agree that there are always going to be occasional cases where birth parents chose to relinquish their child and it may well be the best thing for the child but in this case I think it is actually just the best thing for all the other people in NM's life. People who have no care at all for her by the look of things.

I don't think it will be the best thing for her four son's never to know their brother. And I think it could be quite damaging for them to know that their mum relinquished their brother and as a result they will never know him, and to feel that they played a part in that decision.

The decision is the OP's alone, and she is not being given the space to make that decision properly, IMHO.

OP - thinking about you daily. So much support for you here.

I hope you can answer the questions honestly in your heart and then seek the necessary support whichever way you go.

Yes I am reading everyone's post and really appreciate the care and support.
I am trying to find the space and time to think about everything with all that's going on here...its been really tough and I'm at a bit of an anger stage over things and sometimes had to go into denial to cope... But I am reading and I am listening and I do feel all the care and support so thank you so much for that.

NM it is great that you are still reading. We are all thinking of you.

If you had come on and said I cannot cope with raising another baby, I don't want to be a mum again and I can't wait for this to be over... I am sure we would have said some of these things but we would have maybe felt you were more sure of what you were potentially planning to do.

But because you have consistently said what the needs of other people are... I mean a mass of other people including adopters who are not yet identified.... and put those other people's needs above your own (and potentially above the baby's) that is why we have consistently asked you to think what it is you would like to do.

XXXXXXX

OP - forgive me if you've already said this but would you be able to get a couple of sessions with a top notch counsellor? Independent of your partner and social services etc... Someone you can confide in about YOU?

I wish you were a RL friend as I want to do so much more than seems possible from the end of an Internet forum.

Totally agree confusion.

OP you sound so confused and upset. Your partner sounds like a selfish arse who has managed to wriggle out of every obligation in his life with no thought of how he is affecting other people. His needs are, I'm afraid, irrelevant to you. This is your baby, your body, your life. Fuck everybody else and do what is right for you.

Thinking of you NM, my heart aches for you and the incredibly difficult situation you're in. I hope you find the peace and strength that you need in order to truly make the most of your two weeks with your boy.
Have the health issues settled down now?