Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38
I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.
I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.
Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..
Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.
I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.
I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...
All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...
I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..
I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..
I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?
I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..
For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?
Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?
Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.
dharlie99 · 07/08/2017 18:57
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Italiangreyhound · 01/08/2017 13:23
Ojoj1974 this is an old thread. The op kept her baby.
Ojoj1974 · 31/07/2017 22:34
Please re consider. You sound such a wonderful caring mum, I'm sure you and your DP could work things out.
Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2017 00:58
mtpaektu this is an old thread and she kept the baby.
Jellybean85 · 26/07/2017 22:35
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
mtpaektu · 26/07/2017 22:17
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Peppaismysaviour · 10/07/2017 00:25
I've just read this thread all the way through and am so happy for you. People on here articulated advice in such a supportive and empathetic way, the mumsnet community never fail to surprise me.
I really hope that, so many months on, you and jake are doing well and life is moving forward positively for you all
ChickyDuck · 09/10/2016 07:59
I hadn't checked checked this thread in a while so I have only just caught up and I am so happy for you, baby jake, and the rest of your children NM! I a man so glad you were able to have to space to consider your options and work out what was best for you and your baby. Sincere best wishes to you all.
Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 00:03
Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 00:02
NM it is so great to know that we could be of use. About 3 years ago there was a similar story, a woman with a few children having another and contemplating adoption. She also chose to keep her child. It was very moving.
I hope that, just as you have chosen to make your son a part of your life, his presence in your life will give you more power. Power to fight against the forces aligned against you (whoa, sounds like Game of Thrones, and I don't even watch it!).
I hope in time that all those people who were so incredibly horrible to you will see you made the right decision, and your baby will grow up to be a man of amazing strength, because he has you as a mum.
mamarach26 · 06/10/2016 22:53
I've read through all these comments.
I'm in tears,
Your mummy is a strong woman baby jake
NM8448 · 06/10/2016 22:34
Thank you everyone for all the support, home truths and sharing your experiences. It's been really tough reading here at times but it's helped me even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
With each day that passes I feel more confident keeping baby was the right choice for me and it's been a tough journey but it was made somewhat easier thanks to the care and support I received along the way and that's including on here.
So once again thank you.
ExtraMushroomsPlease · 06/10/2016 20:59
Wow I lurked on this as thread but I just had to say congratulations. What a lovely update, welcome to the world baby Jake
HaveAWeeNap · 02/10/2016 18:44
That's wonderful news.
So pleased for you and baby Jake
Mooey89 · 02/10/2016 14:23
Such a lovely, lovely update.
wildflowermeadows · 02/10/2016 10:49
Congratulations to you NM, I am really happy for you and baby Jake. I kept checking back here hoping you would update to say he was staying with you. Good luck to you and I hope the situation with your ex gets much easier in time.
user1471134011 · 02/10/2016 06:13
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2016 21:50
Totally agree with halfdonga, Kristina and others. BRILLIANT news. And I feel totally right for you and baby.
And get that stbx sorted. The future is bright, and will be even brighter when you know where you stand 're house, ex and most importantly of all other sons too.
YOU are brave, doing what is best for all despite adversity. As Kristina says, you tend to put others first now YOU must be centre stage in your own life to ensure you can look after all those dependent on you! Bless you.
user1471467667 · 01/10/2016 21:06
NM, I'm so pleased to read this. Ive been following you for some time and it always seemed to me that you were contemplating adoption because of other people, not because of what you wanted. I'm so glad you have had the time to consider what is right for you and your baby.
I'm an adoptive mum of a 12 year old who was relinquished at age 4. Different circumstances, birth mum very troubled but with more support dad may have coped. My son has to live with the consequences. I love him with all my heart and am very proud to be mum to such a brave and resiliant child, but deep down I know it would have been best for him to stay with dad.
You are a very brave lady. good luck for the future
Kr1stina · 01/10/2016 19:33
I just spent 9 months not even allowing myself to think of keeping him that I am now just in a bit of shock and trying to adjust to the new decision and organise my life accordingly. It does not mean it's not the right decision it's just an unexpected one for me
I think it's entirely normal that you woudl be in shock . You have spent 9 months deliberately not bonding with your baby , because you thought you woudl be giving him up .
It reminds me of someone I know who had a silent pregnancy . I don't mean it was concealed , she genuinely didn't know she was pg. she and her DH has been TTC for years and had given up hope . Her periods were always irregular and she thought it was the start of the menopause .
She was a tall big woman and didn't look Pg at all . In fact she worked in the ambulance service, so you would think one of her paramedic colleagues woudl have spotted it . But no, she didn't know until she presented at A&E with a abdominal pains to be told she was in labour .
Of course she and her DH were overjoyed, but both very very shocked. It's hard to have no time to psychologically prepare for being a parent , especially when you have given up hope.
So please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to get used to your new family situation .
I'm so so pleased for you and especially for your baby.
confusionoftheillusion · 01/10/2016 19:27
Yes you are definitely sounding a lot stronger!
confusionoftheillusion · 01/10/2016 19:26
OP I am weeping for you.
You are inspiring, brave and in Your personal situation have done the best for ALL your boys.
I am glad you worked through your options and came to your decisions.
Rocketfuel · 01/10/2016 19:23
I am so pleased NM that you have been able to make the decision that is right for you and Jake
You are his whole world right now and you sound stronger and like you are feeling a bit more empowered.
Please do get good legal advice and take good care of yourself
NM8448 · 01/10/2016 18:08
I am glad that you had the courage and conviction to do what was right for you. I have had help and support from social services (with no safeguarding concerns for baby or his brothers) and they helped me figure out the best way forward as well as supported me keeping the ex husband in check when it comes to our children and access to them as he started to make contract difficult at times.
The adoption social worker was the best person I have ever dealt with professionally, she could see I was under pressure at times and asked tough questions in order to subtly dig through what was going on underneath all the pressure and decisions so I am very grateful to her.
While both deductions have serious hard consequences for me. Keeping baby is the one that's more right on many levels for him and me.
I just spent 9 months not even allowing myself to think of keeping him that I am now just in a bit of shock and trying to adjust to the new decision and organise my life accordingly. It does not mean it's not the right decision it's just an unexpected one for me.
The men and their involvement (ex and current partner) are a secondary issue: the ex is playing up and his true nature is coming out. He's in denial over his part that led to all of this and takes zero responsibility for his actions that contributed to the current situation. While pregnant I tried to maintain an amicable relationship with him for the kids same now the pregnancy hormones are wearing off the true nature of what he has put me through and I am angry... Really really angry.
Partner wise he's been great but I don't tend to talk about him on here due to the loss of anonymity.
I don't know what the future looks like but I feel finally strong enough to stand up for myself and baby and just tackle things much better as I am fighting for his future as well as the other children's. I'm not good at standing up for myself but I am quite cut throat when it comes to making sure my kids (all of them) are ok and happy.
Kr1stina · 01/10/2016 12:00
That's great news. I agree with poppy, the best thing for baby is always to stay with his biological family if they are able to care for him properly ( this is not a criticism of anyone who has made a different decision for their own personal reasons) .
Yes Jake has a complicated family but so do most kids. And by the time he is old enough to be aware of anything like family politics, the current complexities will be ancient history .
NM I hope you have got decent legal advice and are able to sort out a reasonable divorce settlement with your STBX.
I'm glad to hear that your colleagues and friends have been so supportive . Once everyone knows that Jake is staying , you won't have to worry about baby things because you will be inundated with gifts, I'm sure.
Please don't worry about your partner - he doesn't get to stop you keeping the baby in the same way that you could not have stopped him keeping the baby if you wanted to place him for adoption . It works both ways .
Remember you have a tendency to put other adults feelings first all the time ! You don't have that luxury now, you need to put yourself and baby first . Then you other kids . The other adults around you need to be a lot less selfish.
I hope your partner is able to grow up enough to be a good father to Jake, however things work out between you two .
And finally , many congratulations
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