Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

NM - congratulations on the birth of your beautiful boy.

It's an emotional time, take care of yourself

Congratulations on the birth of your son.
I wish you strength over the coming days.
Thinking of you

I've read through your thread NM and you've had such a hard time and the most impossible decisions to make. I hope you are doing ok, as well as you can at the moment after the birth of your son and I'm pleased it all went well. Take care of yourself and as you say take each day as it comes

NM thinking of you. and huge hugs to baby.

Hope you're all well NM, thinking about you xx

Same here - was thinking of you this morning

Hi OP - just checking in to say you are in my thoughts every day

Me too. Hope you are doing ok

Me too

Hi
Sorry for the absence, it's been more of the same here with things changing and evolving almost daily.

Baby is doing absolutely great, put on weight as opposed to loose it after birth, feeding and sleeping very well. He's such a good baby all round.

I am coming up to the end of the original 2 weeks with him and as my home situation changed I am working with social worker to figure out what's the best thing to do.

3 days after the birth of baby the ex husband broke the news to me that I would not be welcome back home with or without baby. This absolutely threw me off, I had the mindset that baby would go for adoption and my home where my kids are would be my refuge to get myself back together... When this option got taken away I just couldn't handle anything anymore, all the emotional preparation and counselling went out the window, not having a safe place to fall apart in just absolutely gutted me.

While I know the ex husband has no legal rights to keep me away from my home it's not a battle I was prepared to fight as well as adoption and the hormones from post pregnancy.

Social services have agreed that while in "crisis" it's not the time to decide baby's future. I agree...and quite frankly I am not prepared for the absolute huge fallout of whatever decision I make...

If I keep baby there is a guaranteed negative reaction from exes and associated family who inevitably will make life hell.

If I give baby up right now I have nothing to fall back on... Nowhere to hide or recover emotionally.

All I want to do is the right thing by baby.. He's content and doing well and I'm keeping it together because I have him to focus on.

I am really scared of how I would be if he wasn't with me keeping me focused and grounded right now.

My access to my other children has been limited by their father and again I could fight more for that but I am exhausted

OP I cannot imagine what you are going through. Like others I have followed this with empathy and hoped for the best resolution for you and your baby. With the change in your expected circumstances I hope the support you mentioned continues allowing you all to be well and give you the time to decide the next steps. Prayers and thoughts are with you, the new baby and your children

I'm glad to hear that you and baby are well and still together.

But horrified that your husband is keeping your other children from you. But awful as it is, at least you know where you stand now . Your marriage is over, whatever happens. Even giving up your baby isnt a big enough sacrifice to fix it .

I think you are right not to relinquish the baby right now, in this crisis . He is thriving and happy with you and as you say, he is keeping you going.

Where are you living ? Can you stay there long term with your baby and fight for access to your older children ?

I know you don't have the energy for the fight right now, but it looks like your only alternative is to walk away from your kids.

I think you need a lawyer as much as a social worker . Can you get legal advice ?

I'm guessing you are Asian - can you contact a BME women's advice charity? They would understand more about the cultural issues you face

I'm so sorry to hear of this awful turn of events with you being limited in seeing your children. I think Krist1na's suggestion is the best thing to do. As you have been made homeless you could also approach the local authority as you may be entitled to housing, especially with a newborn baby. The social worker may be able to help with a referral too. I do hope things improve, I am glad you still have baby with you and think you are right not to make any decisions now. Take care of yourself, we all care about you.

No kristina I am not Asian, I'm Italian.
I have been staying with my partner (baby's dad) and he has also been restricted access to his children.

The way the exes are doing that is not a direct thing as in not saying no you can't see the children etc.

Both are saying they don't want the kids exposed to baby until we decided what we are doing with baby.

I'm living in my partners home so his girls won't be allowed over while I'm here with baby, my partner has been generous and has stated he would rather we stayed here with him for as long as we want but I feel that's not fair on his contact with his children.

My ex is doing the same thing, saying I can't see the kids at our home if I have baby with me etc, as I'm breastfeeding that's making things hard. I did but a breast pump and waiting for it to arrive so I can leave baby with his dad and go see the kids, waiting for the next excuse as to why I can't see them although SS are involved and the ex will have to be careful how he behaves while being watched by them.

I earn too much to qualify for housing etc. In our area it's impossible to get social housing... I can afford to privately rent and I am looking into that but I need time to get a deposit together, furniture together and sort it all out.

I also made it clear to the ex that intend to have the kids 50% of the time which came as a shock to him but he will have to get used to that... I will leave him the house but I will claim my kids back as soon as I have somewhere for them to come and stay. My partner is in a one bed flat so having them over is not really possible right now.

I have a long way to go with getting in contact with the right people etc to find out what my financial and practical options are.

I have been following your thread, although I do not have adopted children. To be honest, it sounds like you need good old fashioned legal advice now - both you and your partner.

Contact is for the benefit of the children. It cannot be withheld as some sort of punishment by an ex spouse. The house and money stuff needs sorting too.

You will get through this.

NM - you know don't you that you are entitled to half of the value of the house, your joint savings and pensions and other marital assets ? It doesn't matter why you are getting divorced or who initiated the split .

You don't have to " give him " the house, if you want and he can afford it he can buy you out of your half. But if you are having the children half the time, why don't you stay in the house ?

You really need legal advice urgently . Especially about seeing the children now ( not later ) and making sure that their father doesn't represent that he is the main carer .

I honestly think you have all the support you can get from MN.

I second sunnydayinmay in that you MUST get legal advice regarding this whole sorry affair.

Oh bless you. Please get legal advice, whatever path you take you are entitled to half of the assets from your life with your ex. Giving him the house is an emotional response as you're clearly and understandably desperate to see your children. Please don't do that, get advice, take stock and then assess how you can best make this work.

NM dear lady I am so sorry this is so shit.

Re "I will leave him the house but I will claim my kids back as soon as I have somewhere for them to come and stay."

DO NOT give him anything, that man is evil and he is separating you from your kids and your kids from you. Every penny you give him or allow him to keep means he has more time and energy and you have less. GET LEGAL ADVICE.

He has made you homeless and separated you from your kids, he gave you the impression if you just gave up your baby it would be easier for you but now he is showing his true colours!

He does not care for your needs or their needs, only his own. Why should he have 50% of their time when he is seeking to deny you and then 100% of the time with each other.

He does not want children exposed to a baby! What bollcoks. He is a controlling man, seeking to control your every action because you dared to end it with him. There are laws to prevent men doing this. He is trying to rob you of half of the home and of this vital time with the kids.

Please, please speak to Women's Aid because you are the victim of a crime here. How dare he deny you access to your own home. Please, please get professional legal advice, this is not the 1900s when men did what they want. His actions must have consequences.

Sorry for the rant, I am so angry on your behalf. Please do not wait, do not allow him to become established as the main carer, you are the main carer, he has not cared for them properly. They need you. He must not get your share of anything, he will use it against you, he already has!

Thinking of you. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OP - I am so happy to hear your baby is doing well and that you and he are still together. Definitely not the time to make any decisions.

You are a very brave and strong woman

Sounds like your partner might have stepped up a bit?

I imagine the exes are concerned about the kids bonding with baby if baby doesn't stay?

However of course as others have said what your ex is doing is DISPICABLE. He cannot keep you from your children. I firmly echo what others have said about you needing urgent legal advice. I know life with a newborn is tough but PLEASE PLEASE see someone asap. You WILL be entitled to AT LEAST half the equity in the house and don't let your ex bully you.

We are all here for you. I have never felt so much empathy towards another poster on MN. Your emotions shine through in all of your posts and I am simply in awe of you.

Sending you strength and hope you get to see your other boys soon

OP I really think that in relation to the family home, rather than giving you exdh what he wants, if you think about what is best for the children then all things being equal I would say it would be better for your children for you to go home, and to discuss whether your exdh should stay or go. I suppose I say this because of my own experiences - in the vast majority of families I know the woman does the vast majority of the parenting - so it has to be read in that context though. I would imagine that especially the younger children will want you back at home, rather than somewhere new? This would apply whether you decide you need to keep your new baby and take him home with you, or whether you decide you need to pursue adoption. Your exdh obviously feels that it would be too difficult for him, but if it is for the benefit of the dc (and I think it probably is) then ... he should suck it up, because he is the grown up. As well as getting professional advice, can you try to persuade your exdh to make peace so that you can both try to focus only on what is best for the children? I have known it to happen in this sort of situation, sometimes...

I didn't see the deleted post, but I am impressed that you responded. I am not sure I agree that a lot has changed in 40 years, but that is by the by.

Totally agree with jelly best thing for you NM is to be back in family home with the boys, all your boys. If ex can't cope he csngo elsewhere. Your ex drove you out by his controllong and manipulative behaviour. This must be illegal. He needs to be stopped or he will potentially permanently drive a wedge between you and your children.

Well done NM, I am both so glad the baby is doing so well, and shocked at the childish mind games your ex is pulling, I can't believe he thinks that it's ok to do that to anybody, let alone a women who has just given birth!

Be strong, for the sake of your kids and your gorgeous newborn. He can't keep you out of your home or keep you from your kids, and the courts will 100% back you up with that.

Thinking of you NM

Perhaps a good thing to come out of your xh's appalling behaviour is that now you are making all decisions with the clear knowledge of how things are going to stand from now on. Intially you were talking about having your ds adopted, then getting divorced next year I think partly in order to be allowed to stay with your other dcs in the family home? Seems like your delightful ex couldn't wait that long to show his true colours and you are now in the 'this time next year' scenario already. In the long run he really has done you a favour but in the cruellest possible way

As you are looking at finding a home for yourself and your dcs without your xh or your dp, the decision as to whether or not you want to keep your youngest ds or have him adopted may be much less muddied by the pressure to keep others happy. It's now only about whether you can give him the love and care he needs in your own new home with your other dcs.

(Could an au pair be an option for childcare if you do funny hours?)

Good luck my dear. The only way is up.