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Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
310

NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

OP's posts:
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Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 00:02

NM it is so great to know that we could be of use. About 3 years ago there was a similar story, a woman with a few children having another and contemplating adoption. She also chose to keep her child. It was very moving.

I hope that, just as you have chosen to make your son a part of your life, his presence in your life will give you more power. Power to fight against the forces aligned against you (whoa, sounds like Game of Thrones, and I don't even watch it!).

I hope in time that all those people who were so incredibly horrible to you will see you made the right decision, and your baby will grow up to be a man of amazing strength, because he has you as a mum.

XXX [

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Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 00:03

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ChickyDuck · 09/10/2016 07:59

I hadn't checked checked this thread in a while so I have only just caught up and I am so happy for you, baby jake, and the rest of your children NM! I a man so glad you were able to have to space to consider your options and work out what was best for you and your baby. Sincere best wishes to you all.

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Peppaismysaviour · 10/07/2017 00:25

I've just read this thread all the way through and am so happy for you. People on here articulated advice in such a supportive and empathetic way, the mumsnet community never fail to surprise me.
I really hope that, so many months on, you and jake are doing well and life is moving forward positively for you all

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mtpaektu · 26/07/2017 22:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Jellybean85 · 26/07/2017 22:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2017 00:58

mtpaektu this is an old thread and she kept the baby.

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Ojoj1974 · 31/07/2017 22:34

Please re consider. You sound such a wonderful caring mum, I'm sure you and your DP could work things out.

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Italiangreyhound · 01/08/2017 13:23

Ojoj1974 this is an old thread. The op kept her baby.

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dharlie99 · 07/08/2017 18:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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