Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Fuckity fuck

177 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 15:04

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

OP posts:
Purpledaisy3 · 29/01/2015 15:44

don't have anything constructive to say, just wanted to send hugs x
Hope things work out beter soon

Pancakeflipper · 29/01/2015 15:47

Oh that's damn hard, there's no words.
How do you feel her going to her dad's will go?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 15:49

Not great but the other children's physical safety is considered more important than her emotional wellbeing.

OP posts:
Jameme · 29/01/2015 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 29/01/2015 15:57

Its not great Rain but is there a part of you that thinks it might be best for now at least:

1 - it will be safer for other children
2 - exH will have to step up to the plate (or fail to which in its own way would be progress)

I do accept that it may not be best for her in the short term but maybe it will bring things to a head which will be better for her in the long run.

I'm not sure if I'm right but it's best I can think of on the hoof.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2015 16:41

I am so sorry, I would imagine this was not what you wanted and you have your doubts your exH will cope.

However, having had a think, I am with Kew on this one (usually a safe place to be).

It is shit that they think he will do better and you will find it quite hard (understatement of the year) being away from her... but....

It will enable more evaluations to be done with DD1 without DD2 or ds being at risk

It will allow you some breathing space to think things through without having to be hyper vigilante all the time

ExH will need to do the heavy lifting and you can have quality time with dd1 with or without other family members around.

In normal circumstances you would be heart broken I know, as would anyone but these are special circumstances. So IMVHO if there is any part of you feeling relieved, do not feel guilty. You have been carrying so much for so long he really needs to step in but it won't be that he 'saves the day' but rather that he helps to take a bit of the load.

I hope you will be in charge of how this is explained to your dd1 and your exH will be fully cooperative in NOT using any of this to score points at your expense with anyone.

And that there will be sufficient contact with you and dd2 and ds and that it will all be reviewed as to how it is working out.

Thinking of you.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2015 16:42

vigilant NOT vigilante! Sorry. (I am dyslexic!)

Lilka · 29/01/2015 19:28

Oh Rain I'm so sorry it's come to this

Fuck the entire fucking system which has failed everyone, then leaps to 'remove the child' above 'fund more intensive support'.

Is there anything we can do for you?

Is her general behaviour something your ex and his gf is likely to be able to cope with? Do SS have any ideas about how much you will see DD or are they leaving it for you and ex to sort out?

maggiso · 29/01/2015 19:34

I am so sorry. You have given your all. Do you think this is a sensible decision (for you all)?

FamiliesShareGerms · 29/01/2015 19:38

Oh lots of hugs, WineCake and Flowers

Go easy on yourself

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 19:46

I'm just concerned that this is their easiest and cheapest way of fixing this. How will I get her back? There's no criteria for me getting her back. They can't risk assess this, the only vaguely relevant risk assessments are aimed at teenagers.
If they can't risk assess this, they can't judge or measure when the risk has passed can they?

PAS have closed the case because it's in the hands of the safeguarding team now. So it looks like our only avenue of funding had completely gone. I've asked for help and lost my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 19:48

They are dressing it up as short term respite for me but I feel like once she's gone, she's gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 20:00

I need to know the implications of signing the SS working agreement that says that from tomorrow she will be full time with her dad, with no end date on there. I'm tempted to either not sign it, but send her to her dads for a week anyway, as a private arrangement, or to say I'll sign a weekly one that had an end date on it.
Once she's with her dad no one will care anymore will they? They will have covered their backs in terms of safeguarding.

I am very concerned that she's going tomorrow, thinking she's off to have a lovely adventure with her dad, and might not come back. What happens when she wants to come home and can't ? She'll never trust another adult again.

I can't see her dad coping long term either. But as far as SS are concerned, he is willing to have her.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2015 20:29

Rain I am very worried when you say I can't see her dad coping long term either. But as far as SS are concerned, he is willing to have her.

It sounds like there has been no sit down meeting where details are thrashed out. I agree with you that just signing yes is worrying. If he cannot cope could she end up in residential or foster care? Will it be viewed you cannot cope so you cannot have her back?

Who is supporting you, who is supporting your DD1? Who is supporting your ExH?

It sounds a bit cobbled together. Which could lead to no one feeling responsible and yet you not able to move things along if she makes some moves towards being more stable.

Please take advice from someone senior.

Parsley1234 · 29/01/2015 20:38

I remember seeing a programme about a little girl I had enquired about through "be my parent " magazine she had very many complex needs but the upshot of it was was that she was funded to have intensive therapy through her lea ? To keep her within the family system. The cost was estimated at I think 50k a year which seems phenomenal but obviously the lea took the view that intensive help would help her the family and ultimately society as a whole. I read your last post I'm so sorry I was a foster carer have seen a lot of bad decisions made I wish you so much luck x

FamiliesShareGerms · 29/01/2015 20:40

I think you're absolutely right to be worried about having an open ended agreement - I'd insist it has got to be for a specific period eg two weeks with an agreed review point eg one week in

Have you thought about getting legal advice / representation? Ie someone to watch your back?

Jameme · 29/01/2015 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hels20 · 29/01/2015 20:59

Nothing to add but am with Kew. So so sorry that it has come to this but don't give up hope she will be allowed home. There are some public law family law solicitors on here - hope they come along soon.

Devora · 29/01/2015 23:58

Oh Rain, this is shit. How can PAS close the file when she has been moved merely to take care of the safeguarding concerns, with no longer term plan for her welfare?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 04:34

This is so shit.
There have been so many agencies ringing SS over the last couple of weeks, pleading for extra support for me on my behalf. All of us naively believing that it might result in some appropriate support. All of us with the best intentions.
And this is their answer?!!!!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 30/01/2015 09:55

I really don't know what to suggest.

I feel if I knew then I could tell you and it would all be sorted.

I think you may just have to trudge on and chip away at things. Agree to let her go to exH but don;t sign anything, say that you are concerned that whilst it might be protecting the other 2 children that it does not address in any way her needs. Changing her location is not going to be anything other than a short- term solution (hence not signing the agreement) say you won;t sign anything until they have come up with a plan for therapy/help/support for her where-ever she is living.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 10:49

Great minds Kew. That's pretty much what I've decided to do. How can they expect me to sign something when there is no end date or criteria for getting her back ffs!

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 11:44

I suppose if I don't sign, their ultimate weapon would be to get a court order. Presumably it wouldn't be justified in this case as I am cooperating. If it does go to court, I will take the judge step by step through every way in which SS have failed me as an adoptive parent, including the breach of data protection when they gave BM my address and details.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 14:19

I didn't sign it.
My "good girl" do-as-you're-told conditioning was trembling but I did it. I stood up for ourselves.

OP posts:
FluffyRedSocks · 30/01/2015 14:30

I think I've followed another thread of yours about this and I'm so sorry this is happening.
Well done for standing your ground!