Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

Oh good! Rightly so :) hopefully that'll be just in time for me!

Thanks for the linky!

Raspberry my colleague and I adopted at the same time and we challenged our workplace policy of adoption pay and maternity pay not being the same, and they changed it.

hi all.

Any news Chocy and others?

Hi......
New girl in the house!!!
We have just had our 2nd day of 4 days of prep groups today...... Suffice to say we are somewhat exhausted emotionally.... Thank heavens they're run over 2 weeks. .
We are I suppose well into stage 1 which should be completed 8th march.
Excited but I do have worries over my somewhat chequered past...I am 46..married at 18; 2 kids and then divorced at 22. Married again but separated after 2 years. Livedwith a partner for a few years then lived alone with kids for a few years then moved in with a partner when youngest was 16 for 4 yes then split up. Quickly met and moved in with OH and we married in 2013. Will this show I am incapable of holding a long term relationship or is it ok??????

Hello later,

We were in a similar position but no children, (PM me if you want details) we are headed to panel soon and have read our PAR. It has been addressed by SW and she is clear we are in a life long relationship. We have had to answer questions and be open and honest. SW has supported our application so it should be ok. Sorry for brief answer long day am shattered. Will come back tomorrow

Hello later have sent you a pm

Hi Italian

No.

The only news being that this week I have come back to MN after several weeks as I was too raw to be on here after our nightmare in November.

Thank you for checking on us newbies (though 18 months in I don't feel as new as some of the SWs I am having to deal with..!)

So sorry Choccy have you tried the exchange days yet? I must admit I was inspired by the Adoption UK one.

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

I really wish you all the very best with your journey. Thinking of you, dear choccy.

This waiting malarkey is a killer.....how do people cope? We are only 7 weeks post approval and I'm already panicking that it will never happen and what is wrong with us that no SW would come near us......

Hi all, just wanted to know how things are going?

Is anyone going to an exchange day? Or an activity day coming up?

Adoption UK exchange day

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Wednesday 13th May - London
Tuesday 7th July - Leeds

BAAF Activity days

www.baaf.org.uk/ourwork/activitydays

There are a whole bunch of dates for these coming up. Just wondered if they were attracting attention from Mumsneters.

Our SW discussed with us going to one but we've decided to wait a few more months before exchange/activity days. The idea overwhelms me an DH quite a lot. I can't explain it but we talked it through and decided to wait a bit longer before going to one.

That's fine Raspeberry just an idea. But if you go to the activity day in a few months do not worry, they are not too bad if organised well. There are no kids there it is just info, it is a bit like look and collect as much info as you like and leave when you like. You are not in the position of having to interact with children or social workers. If that makes sense. Anyway, I found it quite good.

Thanks for the links Italian. We have been approved, nearly 2 months now. We have not had any potential links, but feel our SW structured our expectations. We are anxious about adopting from a different LA. Up to now the experience of working with ours has, in the main, been positive. Is this something anyone has thoughts on?

I had a lovely moment yesterday. a friend gave a very thoughtful post approval gift. It was such a lovely thought, totally unexpected and she had clearly done some research. I didn't ever think I would get to experience 'expectant mummy' but my friends kind thought gave me that ??????

Hope everyone else is progressing with applications, links and matchings

auntybookworm CONGRATULATIONS on being approved and hope all goes well.

If you have only been approved two months you cannot yet self refer to the national register (I think you need to have been approved three months).

I would say that waiting three, four, or whatever months is not such a big deal but some people have waited a year or more and I think in those shoes I MIGHT well want to be more proactive.

We waited about five months and by the end of that time we had signed up to go to an exchange event with Adoption UK.

However, we were also matched with our son that month! So in the end we went with the match from our county because it was just totally right for us (and him) but I am glad I went to the event. It was very well run. We had also attended a local event within our county's consortium and that was not so well organised and not so good. But then it was my first so a bit of a shock!

I am a newbie and my husband and I have been to an info evening and now registered our interest... I have a 14 yr old son from a previous marriage but when my second husband and I decided to try for a baby a year ago I discovered thru tests that I have started going thru early menopause... I'm 44! Now that we have dealt with the devastation we are ready to start the adoption process - hopefully of a 5,6 or 7 year old little girl... Excited and terrified all rolled into one! Love all your posts - looking forward to sharing 'the journey'...

Welcome Leannevg13 how exciting to be at the start of the journey and do please ask us, we are all at different stages. Our son come home almost a year ago and we have a 10 year old birth dd. But others on this thread have been along the journey within the last year, more recently.

This thread used to be more active and has done a bit quiet this year. Maybe if you and other newbies join us we can share the fun (and the lows) of the journey with you, if it is useful to you. Or PM if you wish. All the best.

Thankyou Italiangreyhound, we are excited.. Can I ask how your birth dd has been with your son? Our son has always said he doesn't want to be an 'only child' so is excited too.. Just wonder if there are any tips to help along the way... ;)

Leannevg13 our dd had struggled a lot but does love her brother and slowly things are getting to where I want them to be!

My advice would be:

Declutter your house before the child comes (VERY important)
Be totally fair with both kids and very clear about what is OK etc, yes, with birth kids you can sometimes allow things to be a bit different etc but now I have to really explain differences so it is clear why DS goes to bed at a certain time, why I expect dd to be able to do stuff (at 10!!!) etc etc.

My dd's things are not up for grabs with ds. That is different! Often birth kids get hand me downs but be careful with this as it can breed a lot of resentment for birth kids (well it did for mine) to see old toys and her special chairs go to ds! We had to buy a new chair for ds because dd much such a fuss!

I don't mean I say a lot how they are different BUT I mean I do not assume just because stuff works with birth sibs that I can just do that for mine. I do really hope in the future things will be more 'off the shelf' but at the moment they are very much made to measure for our family! If that makes sense!

If you ask any specific questions I will be happy to answer.

Sending hugs to everyone who is waiting. It is worth it.

Hi Italian thanks for the reply and congratulations it has now sunk in that we will be parents at some point.

We did not expect a match very quickly, as we had a large family occasion, on the horizon, which would have put of children's SW. Which is why I habe not been on herefor a few weeks.

That is now behind us, though. Therefore whilst we expect a long wait we are starting to turn our thoughts to the future. we have brought all of the safety items plug covers etc. We felt practical items which we needed for when our Neice comes to stay were ok to buy now. It is a strange feeling, to be looking at items for children and feeling legitimate about being there.

We have brought 1 item for our child a teddy, which is now in our bedroom. Whilst we wait we are reading and learning more about adoption, having a good sort out of the house and garden! Which will take months, no idea how we have accumulated so much stuff!

How is everyone else's?

Welcome Leannevg13

Hello!

I'm new and since I am covertly posting at work I haven't had time to read all the posts but I did want to say hi!

We have Approval panel on the 3rd June and it has suddenly all become very real. Our support worker said yesterday we ought to get our friends and family booked onto the training before September since we might have a child by then. I had been led to expect many months between approval and matching so am wondering if they have long listed us already but not saying yet.

So I'm jumping to the end first, so I'd better go back to the beginning. I've been married 9 years to DH and moved 4 years ago to West Midlands, we have had a long journey through infertility and ICSI (IVF hybrid) and many many many tears (some of them also quite snotty!).

So I'm led to find out about my local area for report and don't know where to start finding out about local schools and nurseries hence my googling and what better place to come than mumsnet. Never thought I'd find a place here, not yet used to the idea I will be a Mum

Hello legally

Some LA's have more children to place than others, which can speed up the wait between approval and matching. Not all LA's offer family training, ours did, it was brilliant.

We have been approved a couple of months. We kept thinking there was a link ready for us and at approval SW would tell us. Needless to say it didn't happen and we felt pretty flat.

However, there is a potential link in the pipeline, so it may not be a long wait for us. There was a court ruling last year, which you may have heard about which has slowed the system down. Some on here, have been impacted on by long and have been waiting a long time.

It is an exciting and scary journey. Welcome, there is a lot of great advice on here, I spent ages lurking in old threads, helped a panel as SW was impressed with my knowledge most of which I gleaned on these pages

How is everyone getting on?

Everything has moved very quickly for us. We have a little baby girl 6mths who should be living with us by the end of next week. Would love to hear how everyone else is and would welcome last minute hints and tips to ensure we are ready xxx